Just Cause 2

Just 5 minutes ago, I sneaked into a military base, planted C4 on most of the jeeps, stole one for myself, got chased by the military police who were driving said jeeps, jumped onto the hood of my car, triggered the explosives, blew up the jeeps, and opened my parachute to sail away just before the jeep I was surfing on crashed into the side of a building. That is Just Cause 2 in a nutshell. This game puts new meaning to the phrase 'fuckin around'.

You play Rico...ummm...was it Rodriguez? I think it was Riviera. Hold on; let me see. Where the fuck did I put that instruction manual? Alright, here it is. Rodriguez, there we go. Anyway, R-Rod is sent to the extremely fake island of Panau, to cause as much chaos as possible to overthrow a bla bla bla. I stopped paying attention after chaos. I cared little about the story and even less about the characters. Everyone in this game have horrendous accents, even worse than the Saboteur. In fact, even the American accent is bad, and it's voiced by a fuckin American. Is it really so hard to find Asian people to do the accents for you (I forgot to mention that the island was in Asia)? It's not like you needed real talent - as proven by who you hired in the first place - so I think any ol' group of Asian people would do. They don't even sound like they're trying to be Asian; it sounds like they're trying to make fun of Asians. On this island, you're treated to jungles, forests, deserts, snowy mountains, plateaus, and cities all in one locale, and the cool thing is it's all arranged so that it makes sense to have all these different...geographical......shit. At the right height, you can actually see the whole island. There's no fog or anything to hide the island in order to save processing on rendering draw distances or any of that technical bullshit. No; you see everything, which is amazing seeing as how good the graphics are and how fuckin huge the island is. Seriously, with the fastest plane I could find, it took me a little under 5 minutes to get from one side of the island to the other. That is ridiculous. 


It's a sandbox game, so I think we all know how these games work. I travel to a spot, start the mission (usually involves shooting), finish said mission, then go back to fuckin around until you're ready to start a new mission. The difference is that where most games encourage fuckin around, it's almost a requirement in this game. Almost everything destructive you do adds to your chaos, which acts like currency to unlock new missions. Sometimes I'd have no missions unlocked, so I went and blew up a few military bases for the hell of it. Sure enough, the chaos brought about new missions. Another outstanding feature is the grappling hook. It's used as you would think: Batman your ass all over the place. You can also tether 2 items together. Unless you're pulling someone off a sniper tower or mounted gun, the hook is pretty useless in a fight. Now, I said useless, but I didn't say boring. For example, while getting shot at by one lonely pathetic soldier, a helicopter appeared to take me out. So I hooked the soldier, tethered him to the helicopter, and ran away as the copter gave chase with his buddy hanging on. Helpful no, but fuckin funny. One time, I tethered a guy to a propane cylinder (at least I think it's propane; it's shaped like a helium tank), shot the cylinder, and he rocketed all over the place before blowing up. To round out this list of unique features is the insane stunts you can pull off. In the beginning, I mention I was car surfing while being pursued. That's just a little bit of a taste of what you can do in this game. Any vehicle in the game can pretty much be rode on top of and steered somewhat (except helicopters and planes). Combine that with a parachute and a grappling hook, and you are ready to have some fun my friends. Is it realistic? Hell no, but who cares? I can only imagine how that meeting with the game designers went........

Head Designer: Alright guys, I like the way this game is coming out
Designer #1: Well, we still don't have a bonafide hit here.
Designer #2: We have to separate ourselves from the other GTA clones 
Head Designer: Does anybody have any ideas on how to do that?
Designer #3: Hey, what can we do to make the game more realistic?
Head Designer: I have an idea.
Designer #3: What?
Head Designer: You're fired.

The point this game treat realism like NJ Governor Chris Christie treats the public school system (Sad but True.....by Metallica). They are 2 complaints I have with this game. Until you upgrade your weapons, it takes a million billion bullets to put someone down, unless you get a headshot of course, but the weapons aint that fuckin accurate. And with a game that emphasizes chaos, shouldn't I have assess to heavy ordinances a little earlier in the game? This game also doesn't have mutliplayer, but seeing as how massive the game is, adding that might actually break the fuckin disc. 


If you like fuckin around, then this is your game. It's been tailored made for people like you. Admittedly, the storyline take a long time to finish than you would expect, but when you think about it, you won't care about the story, and if you're not finish with it, it gives you something to do, something that this game is almost never short on.


Rating: Fuckin Around Awesome

NOTE: Anybody knows where I can get Power Stone 2 for Dreamcast on the cheap? Seriously, I'm not spending more than 20 bucks on the bitch, so these online prices I found can suck my dick.