Wheelman

Holy crap, Vin Diesel is still alive. Vinny my boy; how you been? Where were you all this time? Polishing your dome? Banging models? Reevaluating your career after doing that movie "The Pacifier"? Well, it's good to see you back (kinda....maybe). Heard you got a new movie out; it's a sequel to "The Fast and the Furious". That's cool. I heard the only difference is they removed the "The's" in the title. Is that true? Well, we can talk about that later. I see you also got 2 games out. Wow, that's one hell of a comeback. One of them seems to be a remake of The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay with extra missions. Since when do you do remakes? Oh, right: your movie. Well, I didn't play the remake "Dark Athena" because it seemed like a waste of my mother fucking time since I played the original, but I did play your other game. Yes Vinny, I got a copy of the Wheelman, and I hate to say it man (because you my boy) but it's not that good. On the real.....call your agent about this.

Car door vs. biker: place your bets!

Do you remember what the story is about? Yea, me neither. What was that? How should you know? Well it's your fuckin game; you should know something about it. Didn't you do the voice acting? Yea? Well then you should know because you read the script. You know what, it's fine; it's fine. No, it's okay. I got the cliffnotes off the internet. Gimmie a sec. Hmmmm.............OKAY! Your character Milo.......really? Milo? That has got to be the least threatening name I've ever heard. Anyway, Milo is a wheelman (obviously) who goes to Barcelona to work for the many gangs there. In reality though, you work for CIA, and you're trying to get information on something big that's suppose to go down. Ok, I see. OH, NOW YOU REMEMBER! Where were you Vinny when I was looking this shit up on the internet? God damn that sparkly shiny head of yours. You know what, who cares about the story. Let's just move on to the gameplay.

These shades make me look cool while I brood

Since you didn't know what the story is about, I'm gonna assume you didn't play it either. You were too busy shooting Fast and Furious; I understand. Here, grab this controller and I'll run you through the gameplay. Ok.....okay you got the driving down. Nice. Okay now that the cops are chasing you, I can tell you about your melee attacks. Flick the right stick either left or right to swerve your car. What do you mean what direction? It depends which way you flick it. NO, don't flick it backwards; that's shows the rear view. Yes, it's handy, but we're not doing that right now. Well yea, flicking up does attacks too, but noone is in front of you right now. Yea, just keep flicking into the cop cars. There you go. Good job. You lost them. Not bad for your for time behind the whe.......OH SHIT! The gang is after you. Drive mother fucka! Yea, they got uzis, so they will shoot your car up. Damn, it's already about to blow. NO WAIT! Don't jump out. See that car? Line up behind it. Now hold the B button. See that red arrow above the car? When it turns green, release the B button and....RELEASE IT NOW! RELEASE IT NOW! Saw that? That was called an Airhike. You jumped from your car onto another and kick the driver out without losing much speed. You aint done yet. Still gotta get rid of the gangs on your ass. Shoot them. Press the LB to shoot. The game will auto-aim for you. Nice, you took his tires out. You know, you can go into slow motion. Press up on the D-pad to slow down time, and shoot everyone in front of you. Press down and your car will do a 180, letting you shoot the people behind you. What? What do left and right do? Radio stations. Yea, the soundtrack sucks so don't bother with it. Damn, your car is done. NO DON'T GET OUT! See now you gotta shoot it out. Okay, LT is auto-aim, LB is manual aim, B is to duck, and RT is to fire. Got it? Obviously not since you can't hit shit. Ugh, you died. Good job Vinny........what? Not my fault you suck.

And somehow no one dies

Fun, right? Well Vinny I....what? No I will not stop calling you Vinny. Anyway, your game has a few problems that sucks the fun right out of it. The first mistake is that you get out the car. Yea, your game has moments where you're out the car and shooting it up with whoever you pissed off at the time. These moments are boring as hell, and have nothing to do with being a wheelman, at least I don't think. Secondly, it's really not that challenging. I pretty much breezed through most of the missions. I'm pretty sure you can't though. You suck. No, I don't want to see you try; it would be terrible. Oh, you mean in real life. Knock yourself out. If you live, I owe you 30 bucks. Even if you could do that stuff in real life, that's no excuse for extremely easy gameplay. My next problem with it is the unnecessary and unfun side shit the game has. You can race or run from cops or drive people places like Crazy Taxi (I miss that game), but it's all for nothing really. The rewards you get for completing challenges are useless, unnoticeable, and....and....Vinny what's the word....oh yea. SHIT. Seriously, the reason for some of their existences is lost to me. Why would I want to unlock weapons cashe if enemies drop weapons? Plus my pistol has unlimited ammo. Why would I need to increase vehicle strength when I can just jack another one? You're basically playing bad side missions for bad rewards, and that sucks balls. The fun missions are the story ones, but even they can get old fast (like Fast and Furious ads). Really, there's not much in this game to like.

Hey, where you going? I'm not done bashing your game, yet. Gotta go huh? Alright then, I understand. Gotta buy more insanely tight shirts and head shine; I gotcha I gotcha. Here's hoping your next game will be a good one. See ya Vinny. Again, I'm not gonna stop calling you Vinny, not until you star in a good game at least. No, Dark Athena does not count. Why? Because you fuckin did that game before. Ok, more missions and a new locale...big fuckin deal. I'm just being honest. Well Vinny, this is where we part ways. I'll see you next time you try to relaunch your career okay? Peace. Vin Diesel everybody!

Rating: Ass

NOTE: I am very aware that Fast and Furious is not a remake. Don't start with me.

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 (STS) (W)

What if I told you this game aint half bad? What if I said the mini-games are actually fun to play? What if I said this game is a great game for women to play? Well, it's not. Oh, it was fun for an hour, but after a while I was done.there's not that many mini-games, and most of them aint that good to begin with.

They're sisters. Don't get any ideas.

So, Zack from the fighting series owns his own island. Apparently he owned 2 islands because it's called NEW Zack Island. The next game should be in a city with a beach; that way you can call it New Zack City.........I'm sorry. Anyway, Z does the smart thing and invite a bunch of chicks to the island to play some games in bikinis that range from standard to camel toe causing extremely inappropiate, and really that's the point of the game: girls and bikinis. The mini-games are just something for them to do while their tits jiggle.

Here are the games you play: volleyball, jet ski race, beach flag race (2 girls lay in the sand facing opposite the flag. Once the race starts Both girls will get up, turn around, and race to the flag), water slide (steer your ass, and try not to fall off), butt battle (2 girls try to knock each other off a platform using only their butts), pool-hopping (jump from platform to platform floating in a pool), tug of war, and some other shit I can't remember right now. Volleyball wouldof been fun if I can fuckin win, and jet ski racing kinda reminds me of Wave Rae on 64, except less fun. Other than that, the mini - games are shit. The only thing I like in this game is the casino. Roullette, poker, blackjack, and slots that actually pay are fun, but I can get these games somewhere else....for free....online on my PC.

And that's it. That's the game. Ogle the girls and play mini - games....boooooooooo. Like I said, it's fun in the beginning, but it wont hold your attention long enough to unlock the pole-dancing scenes. Oh, did I forget to mention there's pole-dancing.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: Do you know how embarrassing it is asking for this game at stores? This game is in the Hall of Shame simply because it's not a real game. Why don't they just make a porno? You know they want to.

Ninja Blade

Video games and ninjas go hand in hand. You're console aint a real console until you have at least 2 ninjas kicking someone's ass. It's against the law not to. Thankfully, the Xbox360 is filled with ninjas who have nothing better to do than murder tons of dudes, but probably the most famous ninja on the brickhouse known as the 360 is none other than Ryu Hayabusa, and rightfully so. I mean, he's number 3 on my badass list for a reason: he quick and agile, he can walk on water, he's a master at many weapon disciplines, knows magic, he breaks the laws of physics more routinely than blinking his eyes, and most importantly he knows how to murder tons of dudes. The chief problem with Ryu's game, Ninja Gaiden, is that it's brutally difficult. Mess up once or look the wrong way, and Ninja Gaiden is quick to make you its bitch and put you on the corner to make it some money. This turned off a lot of casual fans because the frustration of actually being bitchslapped in a game was too much to bear. In comes Ken Ogawa, star of Ninja Blade, to be the ninja that Ryu can't and appease the casual folks. Sadly upon entry, he was caught in the throat by a ninja star and died choking on his blood while Ryu stood over him and shook his head. Ken doesn't have the balls to be anywhere as good as Ryu. Ryu is a man's man of a ninja who loves to fight and don't let quick time events do the work for him.

Ninjas and motocycles: so crazy it just might work

So, some...worm...thingies have taken over the people of Tokyo and is turning them into zombies...or majini...or...whatever. In order to avoid nuking the whole city, a group of kick-ass ninjas are dispatch to the location do deal with the matter. Ken is immune to whatever the hell is crawling inside people, so he's the main man for this mission. That's it. That's all I'm saying. If I say more, then I'll spoil what little story there is. It's not a good one anyway. All you need to know is that there are dudes to kill, and you are a ninja, so go murder tons of dudes....unless you're doing quick time events.

Ninjas and helicopters: also good

If God of War and Ninja Gaiden had a love child, and then dumped the baby in the dumpster to be found by recovering addicts with no home with central heating, I'm pretty sure Ninja Blade would be that screwed little baby. It gives off the impression that it's trying too hard to impress you, and that's never a good thing with games. The game is broken up in two styles: standard button masher and quick time events. There has to be something wrong with a game that relies heavily on QTEs, but I'll beat up on that later. Right now, it's time to give Mr. Repetitive Combat a swift kick in the ass.

Combat is simple: press X until you're bored, then press Y. Lather, rinse, repeat. You could use magic attacks, but why the hell would you want to? They're either incredible weak or ineffective, and if you try to charge an attack, I'll guarantee you'll get hit before you finish. You will need to use magic to unlock ways to go so you can do some platforming, but really that's a gimmie. Saying a ninja game has platforming is like saying a car has wheels. You won't do much platforming anyway so it's irrelevant to this review, so let's go back to combat. I complained about this problem to a friend and he said it's no different than Afro Samurai. From an overall standpoint, Ninja Blade can't touch Afro Samurai, but from a combat standpoint, he has somewhat of a point. I say somewhat because of one important detail. See, you can be a complex fighter like Ninja Gaiden, or a button masher like Afro Samurai, but whatever you do, you better make sure the enemies are worth a damn. There has to be some sort of satisfaction in murdering tons of dudes, and that's what separates the 2. In Afro, you're fighting a collection of dudes at one who can dodge your attacks if they're good enough. When the big guys show up with their huge amount of health and big weapon that can kill in like 3 hits, you have to contend with them while killing whoever else in the room. Also, the perfect slice mechanic is awesome, and seeing dudes get slit in half never gets old. Ninja Blade, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. The enemy just stands there and lets you beat up on it with no defense whatsoever (maybe some counter-attacking, but thats neither hear nor there). There no variety in the type of dudes to murder,and there's no skill in killing. And what really pisses me off is that when you're in mid-combo, Ken won't stop the fucking moves quick enough to block. Fighting stops being fun and becomes something you do in between booss fights and QTEs. Speaking of which, the only good fights are boss fights, and those get annoying quick.

Ninjas and missiles? Now that's just madness!

And then there are the quick time events, the QTEs, or whatever you want to call them. I knew something was wrong when they proudly announced that half the game would be like Simon Says or a very ninja version of Guitar Hero. Is there a fuckin law or something that says Action games must now have QTEs or something? I'm not against QTEs; I'm against QTE abuse, and that's what's happening in the gaming industry right now, and that's what happening in Ninja Blade. I really did want to hate these fuckers in Ninja Blade, but in a weird way, I can't. I hate the fact that I have to constantly do them, but the developers actually did them right. Unlike most games that throw them in randomly (damn you RE5), you're actually warned when a QTE is about to start. Whenever one is about to start, a video plays showing a glint in Ken's eye. Once you see that eye, get ready to press buttons. If you mess up, you're not penalized too much. The scene will just rewind a few seconds back and let you retry. It's definitely not as frustrating as every other game, but it still pisses me off to some degree. First off, it's half the fuckin game! I'm essentially watching a DVD at this point, and I came her to play bitches. Second, and more importantly, it takes away from me the ability to do all the cool stuff I see on the screen. How cool would it be to actually ride a motorcycle in mid-air or steering a missile like a skateboard? We'll never know because that's all done by QTEs. Several years ago, that idea would have be hot, but now it's overdone and I'm tired of it.

Ninjas and...and...what the hell is that?

If you're a really, really, REALLY big fan of QTE's then I heartily recommend Ninja Blade. Other than that, I suggest you quit your bitching, gird your loins, and play Ninja Gaiden (2). Stop playing easy games all your life and open yourself up for something challenging for once. With that said, OH MY FUCKIN GOD NINJA GAIDEN REALLY IS THAT FUCKIN HARD!

Rating: Meh

NOTE: (Ninja what?) If you think you can fuck with me..(ninja who?) recognize bitch Jay to the Z

Spider-Man: Web of Shadows

Ever since Spider-Man 2 (based on the movie) came out, I've been buying Spider-Man games for one purpose and one purpose only: to swing Tarzan style from place to place on thin pieces of string strong enough to hold a man yet disappears at soon as you take your eyes off of it. Now that I think about it, what happens to Spidey's web when he web-swings? Does it stay there and someone cleans it up? Does it disappear, and if it does, how come it never disappears when he ties up an enemy? Holy crap I found a loophole. Anyway, there's a reason why people only buy Spider-Man games for the swinging: because the rest of the game is forgettable. The combat is usually sucky, and with the exception of Ultimate Spider-Man the story suffers from having to tie in with the movie. So, how do we solve this problem? We asked Shaba Games that very same question, and they give us Web of Shadows as their answer; a game that's main focus is combat and original storytelling, but sadly that wasn't the full answer we needed.

Race you to the bedroom!

First, let me get this out the way: a symbiote is a life form that lives off of another living thing. That black goo that covers Spider-Man and Venom is called a symbiote. Any person who is covered by the symbiote changes as the goo takes over their bodies. Once that person is infected, they are known to be called symbiotes. There, now when I use the word symbiote, you won't be looking at your screen confused like it farted or something. Now, the story begin with Spider-Man getting his ass handed to him by Venom when somehow pieces of symbiote jumped off of him and onto Spidey. Now back in black (for those of you who don't know, Spidey wore the symbiote first), Spidey gets the necessary boost in power to send Venom running. After the fight, Venom realized that he had the power to spread his suit to other people, infecting them. Eventually, almost all of New York has turned into the symbiote version of Racoon City, and it's up to Spidey to save the day or ruin it, depending on whether or not he can fight off the symbiote in him.

I don't know if it's explained in the comics, but it hasn't been explained in any other medium of Spider-Man. How is it that Spidey is the least affected by the symbiote's power. Sure, he turns into an asshole, but really his attitude is no better than some women while PMSing (you know who you are, ladies). In essence, Spidey is fine, but everybody else goes apeshit when they touch a drop of that stuff. What makes Spider-Man so different? Is it because he was the first? Even wikipedia couldn't answer the question. If anyone knows, drop me a line.

Quick! Change the tire!

Before we continue on to the gameplay, I would like point out my biggest problem with the game; the voice acting. Overall it's okay, but the voices for Luke Cage and Spidey really piss me off. If you listen to Luke's voice, you would noticed how manufactured it sounds. No real person has that kind of deep voice, and if they do, they don't look like Luke. Spider-Man.......*sigh. He sounds like such a whiny little bitch. I can't stand that voice. He sounds like a little brat playing dressup in the middle of New York waiting for his mommy to return. It gets even more hilarious when he tries to sound all bad and shit in his black suit. C'mon people. I know Spider-Man is just your average joe who happened to come across super powers, and I know his double life of superheroism and normality is weighing heavily on his psyche, but dude no hero should sound this much like a whimp.

Like I said ealier, Shaba Games concentrated on getting the combat right for Spidey. The question is "Does it or does it not work?". What if I told you the answer is both yes and no? See, they did a good job of making cool moves for Spidey to use, and the transition from ground to air to wall is strangely satisfying, but there not much you can do with it. Even though you can unlock new moves, they don't really help anything; you can EASILY beat the game with the moves you have starting off. In fact, a good chunk of your fights will be won by you using Spidey's attack that has him bouncing off enemies like a freakin yoyo. To make it worse, thats all you do. Normally, I wouldn't mind a formula like this (I did like Afro Samurai after all), but I can't help feeling cheated out of doing everything a spider can. All you do is go from mission to mission beating up people, and Spider-Man can do so much more than that. He can race to areas within a time limit, save people from falling, sneak into places, stop runaway trains apparently (thank you Spider-Man 2), use his acrobatics to get past security, and a bunch of other stuff. Sadly, all I'm doing is punching people, and when everyone (including bosses) are piss easy to beat, it gets old quick.

"....I QUIT!"

Integrated into the game is a morality system that determines whether you're good or bad depending on what choices you make and what suit is used in missions. It's cool to be able to change your suit between black and red at the press of a button, but sometimes relying on one suit can overturn any choices you made. For example, I was going the good path picking all the good choices that popped up, but because I was kicking ass with the black suit for so long, my alignment was evil. What the hell did I make all those choices for? Also, your alignment determines which partner you can have during missions. On the good side, there's Wolverine, Luke Cage, and Moon Knight. On the bad side, There's Black Cat, Vulture, Electro, and Rhino. Besides Wolverine and Black Cat, the list of helpfuls is just flat-out shitty. Where is Iron Man and the Fantastic 4? Don't they live in NY? Why is Spider-Man being helped by a bunch of D-list villains who's only purpose in the comics and cartoons is filler until a more competent villain shows up? Who the fuck is Moon Knight and why am I taking orders from him? This comes off too much like a fans' games, and nothing proves that theory more than the asinine Spider-Man comic trivia Wolverine ask you during your fight. I don't know what's worse: that they added Marvel trivia into the game that no normal person would know, or the fact that I actually knew most of the fuckin answers. Speaking of answers, this game leaves a lot of questions behind once you beat it. How did Venom spread the symbiote around? Which timeframe does this game takes place? Is Peter Parker a high schooler, college student, or grown ass man? How is Wolverine affected by the symbiote? Doesn't his healing facter help prevent against that? Why in one scene was Spidey throwing infected people off a roof of a building (not something a hero would do)? When did Mary Jane learn how to use a shotgun? How is it that no one saw this invasion coming sooner? Why couldn't Shield get in contact with more big named heroes? What is Venom's motive for doing this? And just who the fuck is Moon Knight? This game has no tie ins to any movie, and therefore was free to be as creative as they wanted. Shaba, you dropped the ball. Once the city does become completely infected, you'll noticed a serious lag from time to time, and it is annoying as hell. Apparently the game is doing more than it can handle once you reach that point. My second biggest problem (first being the voice acting) is what you do after you beat the game: nothing! Once you beat it, that's it. In every open world Spider-Man game before it, once you've beaten the game, you were free to swing around the city and do whatever the hell you wanted. Why the hell would Shaba take that away? That's the most important part to a Spider-Man game. The only thing you can do is start a new game and see the other endings, and if you got bored going through the game once, chances are you're not going through it again.

Whoa! Good luck fighting all that shit.

Travis, you asked what I thought about Spider-Man: Web of Shadows. Here's you're answer: a fuckin disappointment. Yea, it's fun for a while, but I guarantee you will get bored of this before you're done. In case you were wondering, the web swinging is probably the most fun in the series, but it's undermined by the fact that the focus is on combat. You don't really have the freedom you once had, especially if you're going the good route because ignoring civilians earns you black points. There is one scene on the game that is awesome, and it will be on the video sidebar. Warning though, this scene is a huge spoiler. Watch at your own risk.

NOTE: Seriously, WHO THE FUCK IS MOON KNIGHT!?

X-Blades (STS) (W)

Hooray. Another action chick wearing next to nothing for the purpose of wearing next to nothing. I know this will sound weird coming from a guy, but how about a female protagonist that dresses sensibly. While other games like to focus on unfeasible boobage, this game decides to enter through the back door. Yes, it is all about the ass as our starlet walks around in buttfloss so thin it's not enough to deem worthy to wear on a nude beach. I actually wouldn't be surprised is that wasn't a thong at all, but instead a really pale tan line from leaving that area unexposed to any form of light. I was pretty confident by looking at the box art that half way through the game I would have to solve a puzzle by doing a pole dance or suck off a statue, but the point I'm trying to make is how am I gonna respect the girl if she looks like she should be dancing on my lap for tips? Just because you wear less clothing than Lara Croft doesn't mean you're better, but it's time to stop ragging on her getup and concentrate on the 'game' aspect of the game...which is downright horrible (I cried twice).

Please Jump

The story starts off with the bitch Ayumi touching something she had no business touching in the first place. After killing everything in the room that spanwed, a map appeared showing her the location of an artifact that again she has no business touching, and she accidentally released a darkness in the world and inside herself. Afterwards, the story kinda disappears. You won't know, nor will you care why you're doing any of this. Shit, even Ayumi doesn't remember why.

This game looks like shit; plain and simple. Apparently Southpeak can't do cell shading, but they decided to try anyway. The characters look crappy which is funny because if you're trying to sell a game based on the sexiness of the heroin (or in this case, the dumb bitch who can't keep her hands off shit) then you should at least make sure the graphics on her are tight...I mean solid. When they're a large number of enemies onscreen, the action lags sooo badly, and they're always a large number of enemies onscreen.

MINIONS! ATTACK THE G-STRING!

How would I best describe the gameplay? Honestly, I don't know. Clearly, this game is rpping off some established series; I just can't decide which. The knee-jerk response would be God of War because, well let's face it; almost every action adventure game tries to be God of War. Despite that, I can't help but to think I'm playing a very shitty version of Devil May Cry. Maybe it's because her swords are also pistols, and Devil May Cry is known for it's sword/gun play. That's right: her swords are also pistols. That should have been fuckin awesome. Like Devil May Cry there's only one attack button, but unlike DMC there's no skill involve. It's just the same fuckin combo the whole game. You have guns, but the game is real picky as to who needs to be shot at. There's a lock-on, but like all games with camera issues, it's more of a hinderance than help. Speaking of camera issues, the camera seems to always position itself right around the ass to get a real nice look at her really pale tan line they called a g-string. And then there are the enemies. The enemy design sucks. Seriously, you will not feel threaten by any of the enemies apearances at all. That may be for the best because you are always fighting a million billion of them. That sounds cool at first, but when you realize there's no block button, suddenly large numbers are a real pain in the ass, especially since some attacks stun you, and when you're surrounded by 2 legged dogs trying to bite your arms off, I guarantee that you will throw your controller in disgust. Boss Battles are worse. Not only are you fighting a boss who health takes forever to wither down and likes to use cheap attacks, but normal enemies spawn in your way. So now you're surrounded by enemies while a big guy is chucking fireballs at you. Fun. You have spell and now that I think about it... THAT's your offense. Really, all the hacky slashy is good for is building up your rage meter to do a special. Do your spell, kill the monsters, wait for new ones to show up. That's X-Blades gameplay in a nutshell.

The ghosts of her past boyfriends

To the folks at Southpeak Games, YOU SUCK! If you played any of their games before, you know they are only good at making shit. This is porbably the best they'll ever do, and really, who would want to fund another one of their projects? Anyway, Ayumi is best described as the girl who wants to fit in with the rest. Every day, she pasts by the cafe and watches as Lara Croft, Kratos, and Dante drink coffee and talk about their successful careers wishing one day they will allow her to sit at the big kids table. X-Blades: proof that America should not do anime.

[Update]: If you're wondering why I have both covers up, it's because this game is also part of my worst Xbox360 game segment.

Note: If I had to rank this game, it would be number 1 on my Hall of Shame. Second is Sonic Unleashed. Also, alot of people told me they like my shorter reviews better than the long ones, so I guess I can keep them about as long as this review is. Less work for me. Now put on some pants young lady.

Games Using Sex to Sell

Any games that using the female form to sell is obviously hiding something, or at least that's what I believe. That something may be bad graphics, shitty gameplay, terrible sound, or all of the above. I honestly don't know that for a fact, but that seems to be common knowledge among gamers. So, because I have nothing better to do (except schoolwork), I will be playing a number of games that use sex to draw in the young, the perverted, the possibly virgins, and the just plain stupid. Then again, who knows; there may actually be some decent games out there. Any game with the acronym STS (Sex To Sell) will be used in my observation. This does not include games like GTA4 with it's strip clubs and hookers, Mass Effect with it crappy sex scene, or Soulcalibur4 with it's curvaious fighters wearing next to nothing. Although sexual themes are included, they are not used to sell the games. Dead or Alive 4 comes close, but DOA is a fighter before all else, but I will be doing (bad choice of words) DOA Extreme 2 which features the DOA girls wearing next to nothing on a beach stretching erotically and playing mini-games. There's also pole-dancing but somehow I don't feel motivated. The first on my list will be my next post...X-Blades.

StokEd

I think for the past...what..5 reviews I've been doing requests for games I've had maybe a little interest in or in the case of TNA shit I've already played and had to go out and buy it again just for the sake of reminding me what it was like, which feels like a waste of money, but fuck it; it's done. I've spoiled you people (What do you mean 'you people'!?) long enough so now it's time do a game that I'm interested in, and that's where StokEd comes in. This is gonna be a hard game to review not because I don't know what to say or how to classify this game, but because as we speak I'm playing the game, and typing while shredding isn't exactly easy to d......dammit I ran into a tree.

Ummmm........Killer?

StokEd is all about the back country; no parks allow. There's nothing but trees and rocks (and the occasional house). You would think that it would make the mountains less fun to ride, and in a way it does, but that doesn't kill the experience in any way. It's fun to careen downhill into a forest hoping you don't hit a tree on the way down. Hope is pointless because you usually do, but its fun nevertheless. When you pick one of the 5 mountains (2 of them are locked in the beginning) you can start from a number of drop zones and make your way down the mountain, completeing challenges on the way. My only complaint about this is that you can't start at the very top and decide which way you want to go, or at least not on all of them. There's this feature where the weather changes on the mountains, but I have yet to noticed any real changes in gameplay except you may move a little slower in knee deep snow.

Zero Points? You Suck!

The controls mimic those of Skate: you use the trigger and the analog to do grabs, grind (jib in snowboarding terms) by jumping on the surface, and....and....huh, I guess that's it. Okay then. The game does award bonus moves or skills depending on how you ride. Are you a hucker or a stylist? Huckers do as many moves as the can before they land. Stylist riders concentrate on one move at a time and land it nicely. Huck enough and you can do moves faster. Style a lot and you can unlocked tweaked moves (tweaked moves are standard moves with extra flair). If you're like me, huck away.

Still no points, huh?

The main goal in this game is to become a pro, and to do that you have to complete challenges set by people who have nothing better to do but stay outside all day in the freakin freezing mountain waiting for someone to come at meet the challange. The challenges start off slow and kinda boring, but once you get sponsored, challenges come in left and right and are a real test of skill. You may have to check your move list several hundred times, but it's all good. These challenge are not easy, at least at first, and doing competitions are increasingly difficult, but with great difficulty comes great satifaction (Nobody compare that last sentence to Spider-man, and if your saying "Huh? How is that related to Spider-man?", then you're doing alright. Keep it up.)

See, if you keep landing on your head, you won't score any points

Ummm...that's it. Yea. That's all I have to say. Hmmm, thought I would have more to say. It's an excellent game is you like snowboarding, and for $40 it's a good deal. Hmmm....you know, it feels like I'm not using enough space. I mean this is short even by my lazy ass standards. I feel like I need to fill the void with something. Oh, the soundtrack features a bunch of no-name talent that does a good job capturing the feel of the game, and it's a extensive list of songs. What else; what else? The graphics are ok, but not Xbox360 wow, but for 40 bucks what did you expect? I guess friends can ride online. Oh, one thing I think is missing would be a race mode. I like racing on snowboards (thanks to 1080 on the N64) so that would have been cool. Ummm......fuck it; I said all I can say. Just buy the damn thing.


NOTE: I heard Ciera is back now. Good to know. Also, I could use some dough for a project I have planned for this blog, so if ya can hook me up, that'd be nice. I'm only asking friends because I don't want assholes stealing my identity. I heard this one guy gave out some small info so people could donate to his blog (forgot the website) and he wound up in $56,000 worth of debt. That sucks. That's also why I don't put ads on my sites. Who are these people paying me? How much info do they need? How do I know I'm not actually paying them? See, you got to be careful with this kind of stuff; they can get you anyway they can. Never give information over the phone either unless it's recorded. If you're wondering, Yes! I'm padding this note to make up for the shortness of my review. So what? Fuck you.

TNA Impact!

A while back I did a wishlist of what I wanted to see wrestling games do. When I mentioned TNA, almost half the people who talked to me had absolutely no idea what TNA was like, so I decided to play it again and do a quick run though. In other words, another quick review. Don't like it, but there's not much to this game.

What did the boot say to the face?

I said I wanted a change in controls that makes things simpler in my wishlist, but I forgot to mention that only applies to the WWE games because TNA is the first wrestling game in a long time to actually get it right. By my third match I knew exactly what to do without having to look at the tutorial videos. Face buttons do the attacks (except B), RB reverses, RT runs, B is your action button (climb shit, pick up weapons, etc.) LB is your modifier, and the right stick changes which wrestler you look at. Simple. I didn't really have to think about which buttons I was pressing in order to do stuff. Another thing TNA does well is its fluid motions. Everything seems to move so realistically and quickly. It doesn't look like people at snapping into place to do something. In other words, people won't magically appear behind someone or magnetically clothesline in mid-air or something of that nature. It's pretty impressive how they pulled it off, but I don't think most people would notice unless you played the Smackdown series for a long time. Still, most people would like it. Alot of people who did play the game don't like the fact that there are only 25 wrestlers, but frankly I could care less. Even with a expansive roster, people only pick like 7 wrestlers to play with, so basically they're only complaining about the lack of people they get to beat up. One of the coolest things this game has going for it is its reversal system. Almost every move is reversable; even some reverses can be reversed, and it's cool to see how long you can keep the chain going before you have to stop.

Impressive Dropkick

As impressive as the new wrestling is, there's nothing to do with it. Once you go through Story mode, there's not much to do here except go online if you can. There aren't that many match types: just normal, tag, 3-way, maybe handicap, and ultimate X (normal or 3-way). You mean to tell me you couldn't throw a cage match into the picture? And how about barbwire massacre? Make them bleed. Speaking of which, there's no blood. Boooo. Even worse it that the only weapon is the chair. No ladders, no tables, no nothing. That is ass as hell. Probably the biggest problem with TNA is the lack of moves. They're aren't that many moves in this game, so everybody pretty much have the same movelist, and when that happens, there's no reason not to just randomly select a guy to play with. What's the point if everybody plays the same? Shit, I've played Dragonball Z games with more variety than this (DBZ fans know what I'm talking about). And don't think I don't know what you did with the downloadable wrestlers, Midway. You purposely left Curry Man and Petey Williams out so you can say you got people to download. You think you real slick, huh?
[Unrelated] - Speaking of downloadable content, SmackdownvsRaw 2009 finally released their roster update, and it's so not worth the 320 points unless you're an Evan Bourne fan. 2 of the people in the update have already been released by the WWE. Why not do Primo?

One of my personal favorites, Suicide

It's like 20 bucks now, so if you decide to get it and don't like, you won't lose much. Still though, this game is so bare I'm surprised they let this out the door, and even more surprised it didn't get arrested for indecent exposure. I feel sorry for anyone who actually paid $60 for this because I for one would have felt cheated.

NOTE: I not doing a fucking review for Guitar Hero: Metallica. Why? Because it's fuckin Guitar Hero; you already know how it is. They haven't changed their formula in like 9 years. Besides, the day I paid 60 bucks for a expansion pack is the day I stick my dick in a beehive and squirt.

Resident Evil 5

This has got to be the worst horror game I have ever played in my entire life. There wasn't a single moment in this game where I was terrified. Quite frankly, anybody -and I mean ANYBODY- who considers this scary belongs to a mental hospital because something is seriously wrong with them. Resident Evil is supposed to be the leader in fear, so who the hell were they expecting to scare? I would recommend Alone in the Dark for horror before I recommend this, and Alone in the Dark is a piece of shit. Awful awful horror game. Well, good thing it wasn't intended to be a horror game because it makes for a somewhat adequate action game.

OH GOD! Don't tell me your pregnant!

The story begins with Resident Evil vet Chris Redfield responding to a disturbance in a unnamed African region (maybe it is named, I wasn't paying attention) that may have something to do with a deadly virus. Being the only white guy in the area, the agency he works for, the BSAA, dispatched Sheva Alomar to be his backup and calm the locals from overreacting to whitey. I wish I was fuckin kidding; she's there to protect from racism; how fuckin hilarious. Sadly the virus has spread completely and every citizen has turned into zombies, only that's wrong. These guys are actually called majini, not zombies. Seemed like something I should point out before I get railroaded by RE fans, but for those who don't give a fuck I'm calling them zombies for the rest of the review. So now Chris and Sheva have to do what an entire army couldn't do and save the people by killing the people in their way at the moment. One of the main problems I have with the story is that it's tied to the previous RE series, and there are people and events that will leave you lost if you haven't played the series before or paid much attention to the story (like me).

You better hope that next shot kills him

Some of you already know this, but I just have to complain about the control scheme. Dammit, first Legends of Wrestlemania now this game. Lately I've been having bad luck with controls. There's nothing inherently wrong with them, and once you get used to the somewhat stiff movements running is no longer an issue, but why the hell can't I move and shoot at the same time? Aren't these trained soldiers? It just looks retarded standing there shooting as the enemy advances to your position and proceed to bite your nipples off. They said they did it to add tension, but since we're no longer in the realm of fear anymore it's not really necessary now is it Capcom? And why can't I pause to go into my inventory screen? I can't fuckin micromanage in a middle of a horde. So if my partner has ammo I need, I go into the screen, do the switch, and hope I don't get attacked during the proceedings. And why only 9 slots? You guys really know how to complicate shit don't you? It's bad enough having limited ammo, but now you're super limiting what we can carry. By the way, every time you pick up a herb, that's a slot. So if you pick up 5 herbs, that's 5 slots gone. What the fuck? Ammo stack on one slot; first aid sprays stack up; everything else stacks up. Why not herbs? And why does wearing a vest take up a slot? Aren't I putting everything in my vest? Why is my vest taking up space in my vest? AAAAHHHH!

......FUUUUUCK!

If your doing single player, then you're gonna hate your partner, Sheva. Yea, she's somewhat helpful, but sometimes she's either too helpful or never around when you need her. Whenever I'd get somewhat hurt, Sheva would run in and heal me. That's nice and all, but we're working with limited supplies so you can't just use up all our aid every time I stub my toe. And she never uses the small stuff; it's always the most powerful mother fuckin herb or spray she can find. Also, the bitch keeps taking all the pistol ammo. At one point, I completely ran out of ammo and Sheva was having a field day picking off zombies, and she wouldn't give me any. With all that ammo, she still found a way to run out, leaving us both in deep shit. Sometimes I wanted to leave her behind and let her die, but the game doesn't let you do that. The minute she dies (and it will happen....repeatedly) it's game over and you have to start at the last checkpoint. After a while, I refused to play another minute of this shit alone, so I waited till Neil got his copy. Since my game was royally fucked, we started a new one on Neil's game. He played as the male with the rugged good looks and insanely tight shirt that seems impossible to put on in the first place and doesn't look like he'll be taken it off any time soon, and I played as Sheva where for the first time in my life I had a sweet ass. This girl is hot. Seriously, I have never seen so many guys drool over a black video game chic before, but that's what happening. I'm surprised there aren't any nude photos or art of her on the internet yet. While we were playing, the game really....WAIT! Found one nude pic on google. Be right back.................(soothing evelator music)............EW my hands are all sticky now. Anyway, while we were playing, the game really shined and became fun for me. It's a really rewarding experience to have someone you can count on and knows what he/she is doing when a onslaught of mutants show up, especially when one of them is branishly a chainsaw. Also, having a partner creates some funny ass moments. One time while Neil was turning some handles the chainsaw dude came out and chased him around. Since I was high up on a perch, all I can do was try to hurt him with some sniper shots....and laugh while he runs and curse. He eventually got his revenge when it was my turn to deal with a chainsaw dude, which took almost every single shotgun shell to take him out. Neil barely helped; he just stood there and laughed until I almost ran out of bullets, then he started helping with his little pissy pistol. At another point, we were in a marsh area, and when we got out of the boat, the path we needed to go was a body of water about waist deep. We got to the edge of dry land and looked around. When we saw it was nothing but water, we didn't put one foot in that water; we didn't shoot at the water to see if something would come up; hell we didn't even say anything to each other. We just turned around, got back on the boat, and did something else (and laughed about what happened). When we eventually went back, we found out there were crocodiles in the water. Fun. They're slow when you're in front of them, but try to run past them and they move quick as hell. I found that out the hard way. Another moment had me on a shitty little raft while Neil turned a crank to move me to the other side. By the way, there was a big fuckin croc in the water at the time. Before that though, we cleared the area of zombies and came upon the end of the road. By the time I noticed that there was a raft and one of us needed to get on it to open a door, Neil was already at the fuckin crank telling me to get on. I told him "The minute I get on this raft, I'm gonna die on purpose" for pulling such a bullshitty move on me. Sure enough the croc came up quick and I didn't respond to the quick time event (yea there are QTEs here). The croc ate me and we had to start all over. All he could say was "Dude...cmon dude. Dude". These are the kind of moments you can't have alone. Co-op pretty much changed RE5 from a lackluster game to a pretty excellent game. Honestly, I came in this thinking it would be awful, but despite the problems I had fun (in co-op ONLY!).

Charlie's Angels 5

Well, I've danced around the issue long enough so let's talk about some hot juicy racism. Capcom really opened up the floodgates (whatever that means) when they decided to set this game in Africa and released trailors featuring a white guy gunning down nameless black people. Ever since then Capcom has tried everything in its power to defer the racial talk. Your partner's black, there's some white people sprinkled in the crowd of darkies, and the setting is set up to look like some parts of modern day Africa. There was even one scene that got changed a bit because of some comments about it. In the original scene, a white woman was being dragged into a building by an infected black man. This clearly must have pissed off some people (or Capcom developed some common sense) and they changed it to look like a white guy - or at least a very light person. Either way I didn't pitied the bitch because she tried to kill us when we walked into the building. All this is fine and dandy, but even without those things I still wouldn't have called it racist. It's hard cry racism when EVERY black person is trying to kill him. I didn't really expect him to put his gun away and say "I won't do that. That would be a hate crime, and I love the blacks". Fuck that shit. While playing, not a single thought of racism had crossed my mind......UNTIL the halfway point. In the marshland I mentioned earlier, the people lived in grass huts and wore loincloths. To make matters worse, they chucked spears at us. Great. Just fuckin great. I have to deal with big lipped, loincloth wearing, grass hut living, primitive spearchuckers ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME!? Yep, there is no fuckin way this can be perceived as racist. What the hell Capcom? Who told you this was okay? (sigh*) God dammit. Well, I still wouldn't call them racist: just fuckin retarded.

Put the pistol away, Sheva

If you are a RE fan, you're gonna get this game regardless what I have to say if you haven't already. I could tell you this game will give you instant penis cancer and you would still go out and buy it. For the rest of you, DO NOT GET THIS GAME UNLESS YOU HAVE SOMEONE TO PLAY WITH! Without that second person, this game becomes shit, so find whoever you can. Get a friend; get your family; get someone you don't even like; do anything to avoid playing alone. Here's hoping RE6 gets the fuckin shooting machinics right (and is a little less racist...haha). I wonder if Resident Evil will ever go back to horror or just stick to its action based formula. I say they should go with the latter because it seems to me like the horror genre is dead (no pun intended).

NOTE: I know this has nothing to do with RE5, Xbox, or video games at all, but whatever happened to that R&B singer Ciera? She had a couple of hit albums, then just disappeared. Did all the hermaphrodite talk wear her out or something? Did she get dropped from her label and noone will pick her up? Did she just hate the business and decided to quit? Somebody let me know; I'm curious.