Halo Reach

Bla bla bla...Halo...bla bla bla...jetpack!...bla bla bla...pwning noobz

Rating: The Fuck Do You Think?

NOTE:  Seriously, why am I here?

Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions

When Spider-Man Shattered Dimensions was announced, the first thing people said was "What the fuck is Noir?" The second question was how is having 4 different kind of Spider-Men going to play like. Well, the first step was to ditch the open-world New York setting. About fuckin time Activision. How many times can we swing around New York before you realize that shit was getting old? 5 times apparently, or is it 4? It was 5 games, right? Well, it was at least 4, and it was time for a change. Activision and Beenox did a great job, but some nagging issues kept this from being the Batman Arkham Asylum of Spider-Man. Dude, what the fuck happened to Ultimate Spider-Man's eyes on my box art!?

While fighting the man with the fishbowl for a head Mysterio in a museum, Spider-Man accidentally broke what is called the Tablet of Order, and it's pieces spread throughout the 4 universes: Amazing (classic Spidey), Noir (Spidey in 1933), 2099 (Spidey in 2099...well no shit), and Ultimate (a teenage Spidey). This not only put every single universe in jeopardy, but also made Mysterio into something he's never been before...relevant. Now under the guidance of Madame Web (Yea, I have no idea who that is either), the 4 Spider-Men must put the tablet back together all while trying to avoid Mysterio's 619.


You take control of 4 different Spider-Men in 4 different worlds and if you think the gameplay will be different with each Spider-Men, then shame on you for believing their marketing pitch. Only Noir is different. The rest are combat heavy. Let me quickly describe the gameplay for the Amazing, 2099, and Ultimate universes: punch, kick, punch, kick, web swing, bad joke. In all fairness, Ultimate Spider-Man actually tells funny jokes, but that's not the point. The only 2 real differences is how they fight and their settings. Amazing has the grainy, old comic book/cartoon look to it, and his attacks uses a lot of webbing. Ultimate has a sharper, new comic book/cartoon look to it, and fights with more tentacles than a Japanese rape monster in a all girls high school. 2099 graphics look more realistic, and he fights with his hands because he's a man dammit. Also he's an old white guy. Seriously, why does Miguel O'Hara sound like an old white guy. Yea, I wasn't expecting an accent, but c'mon. Anyway, the stages and combat are set up nicely and the changes in settings do add that little something to make it more interesting. The change in dimensions also brings about changes in bad guys. For example, in the 2099 universe, Doc Oct is a chick....and eerily hot. It's mindless fun, and in the end, isn't that what we came for?

NOPE. Chances are you're buying this game for the one universe that actually does play different: Noir. Spider-Man Noir is dark, gritty, and the most realistic looking of the 4 universes. Noir is as overpowering as the other three, so he has to use stealth to do what he needs to do, which raises an interesting question. Why doesn't any other Spider-Man use stealth before? How come none of them ever said to themselves "Hmm, you know what? I don't like dodging bullets. Maybe I should just sneak around." It would definitely make life easier. Just ask Noir. Okay, 2099's suit is built to take hits like that, but you get my drift. Noir feels like it needed to prove itself to Batman, except Noir has a hellava lot more shadows to hide in. Your Spider sense is even used the same exact way as Batman's detective mode. Basically you try your best to stay in the shadows and pick people off one by one. Knowing this, the game likes to fuck with you from time to time. In one stage, a blimp overhead kept fuckin following me with it's fuckin spotlight. Another stage had fireworks going off, illuminating the whole stage. Just because you're not in the shadows doesn't mean you can't get stealth takedowns, but just remember that light is bad and shadow is good.


The combat get repetitive after a while. You can only punch kick punch kick web swing bad joke so many times before it grows stale, but luckily the game doesn't last long enough to overstay its welcome too long. Another little annoyance is the task of rescuing people. It breaks the flow of the game, and it's really unnecessary. In Noir's case, the villains always threaten to kill the hostages if you're spotted, but they never do. Maybe it's because I'm playing on normal. Maybe if I play on hard, they'll actually pull the trigger. But the most annoying aspect - something I'd expect them to fix after all this time - is the camera. Apparently, the developers still haven't figured out that when you're climbing on the ceiling, you would like to see WHAT THE FUCK is under you. They had it right way back in the PSX days. Why did they change it, and more importantly, why didn't they change it back knowing full well it's not working. This gets especially annoying when you're playing as Noir and the camera is so fuckin determine to point to you and the wall instead of the people who needs to be taken down.

If you are a Spider-Man fan, you pretty much need to get....yup it was 4. Spider-Man 2, 3, Ultimate, and Web of Shadows. Damn; that's 4 Spider-Man games where you swing around fuckin New York. You know, I've heard people complain about the fact that it's not open-world anymore. If you are one of these people, get the fuck over it. You have 4 (count 'em 4) games where you swing around NY. Why do you need a fifth game where you're doing the exact same thing!? Just play one of the old ones. The rest of us are gonna go play Shattered Dimensions and have fun.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: I think Madame Web was on the old Spider-man cartoon, the one from 1994.

What 3D Sonic Got Right

Yes, I like to bash on Sonic games...A LOT. It's just so amazing how someone so iconic could crash so easily. Because of this, Sonic has been ripped time and time again, and rightfully so. The games have been outright terrible, so much so that they had to put him back to 2D for Sonic 4. Well, some people have cried foul on this saying people like me only focus on the bad. Yes, they're saying we shouldn't just focus on the bad despite the fact the game overall is bad....true. So today, let's please the fanboys for once and see what 3D Sonic games got right.

Sonic Adventure:
In 1999, this was the 3D Sonic game fans wanted...as long as you only played as Sonic. Sonic ran a good speed, the camera was decent, and the stage layout was great. The story was very well put together.

Sonic Adventure 2:
Once again the running is good, and the new grind ability adds a whole new dimension to the formula. The game also runs faster at 60 fps as oppose to SA's 30 fps. It also introduced Shadow, probably a necessary anti-Sonic.

Sonic Heroes:
Who would have thought team based gameplay would work with Sonic? Also, with the exception of Team Chaotix, it was all about getting from point A to point B. Special stages came back too.

Shadow the Hedgehog:
Sega finally fleshed out his character while also answering some questions left behind from Sonic Adventure 2 and Sonic Heroes.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2006:
Not a god damn thing.

Sonic and the Secret Rings:
They had a good idea; make Sonic control somewhat like a car. It makes sense given his style of movement. Having mission-based gameplay is also a plus as it normally didn't require you to slow down to backtrack (not like you could in this game anyway).

Sonic Unleashed:
Running stages are the most fun you can have with 3D Sonic. In the Wii version, you get a more manageable, streamlined experience compared to the HD versions. It may bore you, but it won't annoy you.

Sonic Riders:
Ummm...reminds me of F-Zero?

Sonic and the Black Knight:
Graphics look great for a Wii game....yup.

Yea, as you can see, there's not a lot of positive, but hey, we tried. Honestly, I don't see why people continue to defend these games. Blind loyalty is a bitch, aint it? Anyway, I'm done, and it'll be a cold day in hell before I start talking about Sonic again.

[Neil]: Sonic 4

.........ah fuck.