The Bourne Conspiracy

I really need to see the Bourne trilogy. I saw bits and pieces of the first 2, but not enough to grasp what was going on; just enough to see Bourne do something awesome. Instead of buying the movie though, I decided to buy the game and play through the first movie and learn some backstory before he lost his memory. Seemed like a better way to enjoy watching my second favorite million dollar human weapon go to work. My favorite is Wolverine, assuming adamantium is worth a million dollars. Jason Bourne would do very well with adamantium in his body. He already does well for himself, but imagine Metal Bourne. That's sounds pretty sweet. The government already spent 30 million on Bourne; why not spend a little more? He could like headbutt tigers and take out entire armies while making the country fall in love with the Macarena all over again; he's that's good. The Bourne Adamantium would be a bigger hit than 2 Spider-mans and a Dark Knight put together. Ladies, if you think Matt Damon looks hot now, wait until you see him in his metal form. His six pack would literally not go anywhere. He would remain forever hot. The money you would make with that movie would be enough to make 3 Metal Bournes and still have enough left over to make one normal Jason Bourne just to make the Metal Bournes look better (I've done the math). Of course, something this awesome would be accompanied by an even more awesome game, and it will be ten times better than what I'm playing now. The Bourne Conspiracy isn't a bad game, but it doesn't do the character justice. Everything the game does awesome is balanced by something they should have never done.

This is how Bourne treats his friends to a drink

Everything was going great for Jason Bourne. He killed people, he's beaten up people, he blew stuff up, and occasionally jumped out of a plane or two. Life was sweet. Then, during one mission, something went bad and got Bourne shot and floating in the sea. He was rescued by a fishing boat when, upon regaining conscientiousness (did I spell that right?), he lose his memory. Normally, I would rip a game for the overused amnesia plot device, but Jason Bourne is so awesome, I'll let it slide. Eventually, he learns that he knows how to fight (and fight well), and he's pretty good with a gun (aren't we all), which is good because there are men trying to kill him. If you saw the movie, you already know the plot. What's different is that Bourne will frequently have flashbacks about previous missions he's been on. These flashbacks have no bearing on the story whatsoever, which is dumb since these missions make up MOST OF THE GAME! It also doesn't help that the role of Bourne is played by...umm...well he ain't Matt Damon; I can tell you that (sorry ladies...and Travis). This guy seems so disinterested in what's going on around him. Maybe because he's bored. He is Jason Bourne after all. He's used to more chaotic scenarios involving atom bombs and saving babies from nuclear kangaroos. All this running around killing normal people is beneath him. Or maybe it's because the voice actor sucks and Sierra couldn't translate the story into a game.

Best...nutshot...ever...

The one area where Sierra makes Bourne look as awesome as he should is in the hand to hand combat. X is light attacks, Y is heavy attacks, A is block, and B is takedowns which I'll explain in a bit. This isn't some button mashing combofest of a fighter. Randomly pressing buttons and not being smart is a quick (and I mean QUICK) way to get jacked with a bag of beat-up by whomever you're fighting. Using the same combo may work the first 2 times, but the enemies usually wise up and begin to block the combo. Its no big deal for Jason Bourne. He has plenty of combos to keep them guessing, including one that apparently ends in a nutshot. You're never too cool to do a nutshot. Slap your enemy around enough, and you will fill up a blue meter on the side. The developers call it adrenaline. I call it 'Super Duper Make My Guy Awesome' juice. The stuff only Major Leaguers use. Fill up the meter to a certain point, and you can do a takedown move. Takedowns are cinematic displays of kung fu-lery that hurts the enemy in ways a 30million dollar weapon should. If you're standing next to something, Bourne might use it as a weapon, making normal objects awesome. With the camera zoomed in so close and the fighting so fast-paced, it really has that cinematic movie feel that the developers wanted to create. Everything was going great for my main man Bourne.....

...but then they gave him a gun.

Jason Bourne with a gun? How can that be anything but awesome? Do you have any idea what that man could do with 5 bullets and a klondike bar? It could be the end of the world as we know it...and it would be awesome. What's not awesome is how Sierra decided to implement shooting into the game. The shooting itself is fine, but everything surrounding it makes it not worth the effort, nor is it befitting to Bourne's awesomeness. There's a very heavy emphasis of cover (even more so that Gears of War), as Bourne can only take about 5 bullets before all 30 million dollars of him drops to the floor with rigar mortis. Unlike Bourne though, his enemies can take a million billion bullets before they even say the word 'ow', which is annoying when you're surrounded by soldiers and you need to take one down quick to give yourself some breathing room. I hope you're good at headshots because that's the only way you're getting through this game (there are even achievements for headshots). Another little annoyance is that the camera is too damn close. Jason Bourne is a sexy man; I'm not going to deny it, but I don't want the camera to get all up on him in the middle of a shootout surrounded on all sides. There were many times where I didn't even know the enemy was there until I was riddled with bullets. Whenever an enemy gets too close to Bourne, the game switches over to hand to hand combat, which would have been fine if THAT WAS THE LAST ENEMY LEFT! Hand to hand combat is great, but not when everyone else has machine guns pointed at your head. They say if you put your cambatant between you and the shooters, it will prevent you from eating metal flying at you 300 miles per second. I don't see what makes them think that because the guys I faced cared enough about their guy as much as they did for me. Of course, he can take a thousand bullets, but I can't, so I usually expect the game over scene to show up within the next 2 minutes. This just isn't how gunplay should be done for a man like Jason Bourne, who is probably facing off against Michael Jordan and Lebron James in all sort of slam dunkery while curing at least 7 forms of cancer and disarming a bomb that can wipe out half of the United States, all while on top of a pterodactyl. By the way, since pterodactyls aren't necessarily an efficient form of transportation (would be awesome though), they decided to throw in the car chase part from the movie. The car handles like crap. That's all I need to say. If the vehicle handles poorly, then the driving section sucks no matter what you do. Remember the tank stage from Gears of War 2? No? Didn't I tell you to go get that game!?

Even Bourne has had a crappy first car

Jason Bourne: the man, the myth, the legend. The Bourne Conspiracy: the good, the bad, the ugly. I expected more from this game, like the time Bourne fought off Hitler's army on the moon armed with only a ladel, but sadly boils down to a run of the mill shooter. Oh, and they are quick time events just in case you weren't already sick of those. The hand to hand combat was awesome, and I wish Sierra concentrated on that moreso than any other aspect of the game. In fact, Bourne seems more dangerous when he is using his fist. He saved a thousand nations with those very fists (true story). I suggest renting this if you're that interested, but buy the Bourne trilogy DVDs because they should be awesome. While we're on the subject, can somebody loan me 40 bucks so I can get it? C'mon. Please?

Rating: Meh

NOTE: I figured if Bourne could be that awesome, I can at least get through one review with any form of moher fuckin profanity.

UFC 2009: Undisputed

I'm gonna ask you the same question UFC President Dana White asked the cast of season one of the Ultimate Fighter: Do you want to be a FUCKIN fighter? Despite all of the games that came before it, UFC 2009 is the first TRUE mixed martial arts game to ever be released, and it just so happens that it's been released on Xbox360. Lucky me. Imagine this game on the Wii. That would be interesting. Imagine the ground and pound you'll do with the Wii remote and nunchuck. People would probably get too into it though, and they'd probably break something in the process. Plus, how would they do leg kicks with the Wii remote in their hands? I guess you could press and button while waggling the remote. Even then, I don't think the Wii sensor bar would pick up all your movements. They do have the Wii MotionPlus coming out, but I still don't think.....sorry lost my train of throught (Xbox blog! Xbox blog!). MMA fighting is a very complicated sport, and THQ vowed to bring that complexicity into this game. How did they do it? They hired the same people who made wrestling complicated. Straight from the Smackdown vs Raw series, Yukes did a great job of making this game true to the sport. Be warned though, the learning is very steep--Skate 2 steep, maybe even more. If you're not a fan of MMA and/or you have no idea what the difference is between open guard and north/south, this might not be the game for you. Go play Fight Night when it comes out. For the rest of you...IIIIT's TIIIIIIIIME!

DA - DADADAAAA...Superman Punch

This is probably the hardest review I ever had to do, mainly because I don't know how to explain the controls. In its simplest form, the face buttons do punches and kicks and the right stick controls the transition when you're on the ground. If you don't know what transitions are, this may not be your game. The controls are so complex, it will takes you DAYS before you figure out what to do, and even then you may miss something. As I speak, I'm still learning new stuff about this bitch. I know mix martial arts is complicated, but holy hell. Once you do learn them though, the game becomes fun. Maybe I'll post the controls for UFC on a future post. Stay tuned (or not...whatever...I don't care.)

Keep those hands up!

When I say true to the sport, I mean absolutely, positively, damn near 100% accurate. Almost all the little nuances that go into MMA fighting are presented well. Transitions on the ground and clinch are smooth, and blocking the transitions are done just like real MMA fighters are trained to do (from what I saw on the Ultimate Fighter). The fighters fight just like their real-life counterparts, so if you watch a lot of UFC, consider that film study. Frank Mir will play for the submission, Matt Hughes will wrestle will you for three or five rounds (he can submit, but wont do it unless you're wide open; otherwise he'll just hold you down for points....boring as hell). Chuck Liddell and Rampage Jackson will swing for the fences and will immediately stand up if you take them down, and so forth and so on. Knowing how they fight is the key to victory, especially when you take the fight online. Use a person wrong, and dudes online will be quick to knock your ass out. Trust me; not only did I get beat by the dudes, I am one of those dudes. Here's a tip: Learn the ground game. For the love of God and..Christ...and...Batman, learn the ground game. You will DIE if you don't. Standing up is fun, but the good players always take it to the ground eventually. Dudes online are no jokes. While we are on the subject, THQ did something so smart, I wonder why it never happened before (except maybe Fight Night). As soon as the fight is over, the game save ev-er-ry-thang (Ev-er-ry-thang? EV-ER-RY-THANG!). This way, dicks can't disconnect their cords before you can score the win. If they do, you will still get the win, and their shit will be all the fucked up. See, you can't mess with your system while it's saving. Otherwise, it will corrupt your save file, and you won't be able to use it anymore. You will have to start all over again. Messing with your system while it saves can also mess up your game, meaning $60 are down the drain because you didn't want to take a lost.

No wait, down. Hands down!

Besides the very complicated controls, the game has plenty of issues. Sometimes, the game registers the wrong kind of hit, making you hit the guy on the shoulder when it should have been a headshot. It doesn't happen often, but it happens enough. Sometimes stats don't seem to matter. Although you still need to use a fighter the way they're supposed to be used, some are better in areas they shouldn't be. Some people can be used to dominate the ground game, even though they're not known to. I guess it's done to make the game more fair and balanced, but people who watch a lot of UFC will be upset to see people WIN in ways the real-life counterparts wouldn't. Right now, online is skitish. Unless your connections are perfect, you will experience lag. Also, sometimes online, especially with lag, the game won't register your button presses or right stick movements. I got knocked out twice because the game wouldn't block when I pressed the button. The game's tutorial fails at telling you everything you need to know. It tells you the basics, but you NEED to know more than just the basics. My biggest problem with the game, by far, is the flash KOs (knock outs that come out of nowhere). They happen way to often. You don't have to be winning; your opponent doesn't have to be tired; hell, you don't even need to throw a punch beforehand. You just need to be lucky, and this game passes out luck like Chris Paul (that basketball reference is so out of place). I know they happen in real life, but not that damn often. Flash KOs should not be confused with the traditional KOs. A normal KO usually happens when a person is tired, or who's face (and sometimes body) is so fucked up, it can't take too many hits. Flash KOs....just happen.

AND IT IS AAAAALL OOOVER!

If you are a UFC fan, you probably already got, played it, and outrank me by 47 levels. For the rest of you, you may get turned off by the controls, but like Skate, give it time and it will grow on you. If you want, the demo is available in the Xboxlive marketplace, so try it out. It's a great game, but one too many Flash KOs to the head keeps this game from being in my hall of fame. All well. See you June 4 for Fight Night Round 4.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: Okay, chances are I won't have a review for Fight Night on June 4, but please believe I will have that game.

Bionic Commando

If you played the NES original or the Xboxlive remake, you know that Bionic Commando is one of the hardest games ever made, next to Contra and Mega Man 2 (also on Xboxlive). I'm not talking about 'it's get challenging as you move on" hard. I'm not talking about "It really tests your skills" hard. Shit, I'm not even talking about Ninja Gaiden hard (the Xbox Ninja Gaiden; the one for the NES.....WHOA!). Bionic Commando was so hard, it made you curse God as you chucked your controller at the nearest person or thing that happened to be in your way as rage filled your body. Bionic Commando was so hard, it should have came with prescription drugs to help lower your blood pressure. Bionic Commando was so hard, many people strangled their little brother for accidentally tripping on the cord, pulling it out of the console socket, and causing game over to the player (thank God controllers are now wireless). Bionic Commando was so hard, if you managed to beat the game, you were the man in the eyes of gamers, and a loser to everyone else. Let's face it; it takes a lot of time and dedication to get to level 3. If you manage to beat it, you've had too much time on your hands my friend (or it was the only game you owned). Bionic Commando was so hard, I was nervous (not really) when I heard Capcom would made a sequel for it for Xbox360. Oh great; a 3D version of pure, unadulterated punishment. This should be fun. Everybody out my house; I can be held responsible for my actions once I start playing. What do you think happened to my little brother (hint: I'm the baby of the family...damn NES cord)? Apparently, Capcom realized that implementing the brutal difficuty in this game wouldn't be very profitable, and maybe start an all out war against gamers like me...lead by me. So, the difficulty has been dumb-down to benefit the ungifted masses. It's still not easy, but at least I can actually beat this one.

Umm...somebody should have told him the grappling hook isn't fixed yet

The story begins 5 years after the first game. The hero, Nathan 'RAD' Spencer, is on death row for not following order from his commanding officer, and inadvertently causing the deaths of several people (my bad). Before anybody ask me, the character was made in the 80's, and the nickname 'RAD' was cool back then. I know that nowadays nobody would be caught dead saying the word "RAD', but since he's already an established character, you can't really change it. At least nobody calls him that in the game. Anyway, an explosion goes off in Ascension City, destroying the entire metropolis, killing millions of people, and emits high levels of radiation. And yet, somehow, Starbucks is still intact. The ruined city is now occupied by the terrorist group BioReign, a group of people with bionic parts who are pissed off at the government for reasons you will find out when you play the game. Being the only badass in the area, Spencer is called back into action by his good old friend and former boss Joseph Gibson, or 'Super Joe'(apparently also a cool name in the 80's). They could have just nuked the bitch again. It's not like blowing up an already blown up city would have hurt anybody (except the enemy). It makes sense to me; the idea is so time efficient. You fly in, drop the bomb, fly out, watch it go boom, kill the enemy, and you're home in time to eat dinner and watch Will and Grace. Whatever works for you.

Try and pull this one off, cosplayers

Of course, Nathan's most standout feature is his left arm. When you get your arm blown off in war, getting it replaced with 200 pounds of badass seems like a good idea. Not only does it give Spencer enhanced strenght, but it also has a grappling hook he uses to swing from place to place. It perfect for fighting, but not exactly useful for hugging loved ones or pleasing your wife (Although he might be the exception. Read the storyline post). That grappling hook is actually the main draw to Bionic Commando ever since the NES days. Press and hold the right trigger to grab on anything within range to start swinging. Release the RT to release your grip. It takes a while to get used to, but once you do, you'll be giving Spider-Man the middle finger as you swing through levels with great speed. The hook does more than let you swing. You can use it to grab onto enemies and fling them at other enemies. You can grab items and fling them at enemies. You can grab guns and ammo from a distance to shoot at enemies. You can also grab enemies, and zip towards them in order to kick enemies. Basically, if you aint swinging, you're killing. Outside of the arm, this is your basic third-person shooter: a well done third-person shooter, but a basic one nonetheless.

Well I'll be damned; they pulled it off

What impressed me about this game is how varied the levels are. It takes place in one city, but you couldn't tell with all the different locales you'll be swinging and killing in. One minute you're in the downtown area, but then you're in some sort of canyon, and then next you're in the woods which is actually the city park, and then you're in the subway, and so on and so forth. The transition from stage to stage is so seamless, you'll barely noticed you're switching scenery until about halfway in. I don't know why that stood out for me, but hey, it's nice. I do have one issue which the city, though. When you first enter Ascension City, you may be fooled into thinking it's an open-world game. Then you go a little too far off the yellow brick road, and subsequently die from radiation poisoning. See, instead of having invisible walls or collapsed buildings that act as walls, Capcom decided to create radiation fields in order to keep players inbounds and to create a better open FEEL of the city. While it does works, sometimes it's hard to tell when you entered a radiated area until you die. This gets especially annoying when one of the stronger enemies knocks you into one of those areas, and you have nothing to grapple on to swing or zip out. While I'm talking about issues, the game needs to load way too much. In the beginning, I would go two feet, and then have a loading screen pop up, only to go another two feet and have another screen pop up. Online is dull and boring, but I didn't expect much from it since the focus was on single-player. The game sometimes gets iffy about what it can and what it can't grab. Most of the time it's spot on, but sometimes I would try to grab on to something, and the arm would look at me and say "Fuck You!" as it refuses to extend. What pisses me off the most is that the guy who does Super Joe's voice has done like...10,000 OTHER VOICES! He did Roger in Big O, Kazuma in Sy-cry-ed, Mugen in Samurai Champloo, Solid Snake in Metal Gear Solid (I think...might be somebody different), countless RPGs, X-Men's Wolverine, Spectacular Spider-Man's Green Goblin, MadWorld's Jack, Ares in God of War, Naruto's Zabuza and Orochimaru, and countless others. I'm tired of his fuckin voice. Go to wikipedia and look up Steven Blum if you want the full list.

Gotta learn to let go of the right trigger

The game seemed incredibly short...or maybe I was playing too long and lost track of time, but Bionic is a good buy. I would play it again on a harder difficulty, but I think I'll be looking at NES difficulty, and I remember what happened before. I don't want to be short one more family member (you didn't see nothing!). Is it worth 60 bucks? I don't think so, but it's a good game nonetheless. Be warned though: The ending is fuckin retarded (Again, read the storyline post).
[Update] - Sleve Blum was in Metal Gear Solid, but not as Solid Snake. He did a bunch of other voices. Solid Snake is played by David Hayter.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: He did Hod in Too Human, Kou Leith in The Bouncer, General Scott Mitchell in Tom Clancy's EndWar, Rust in The Chronicle of Riddick, Dark Star in No More Heroes, Zeus in Hot Shot Golf Fore, Jack Slate in Death to Right 2, Ken in Street Fighter Alpha......

STS Review

So, what have we learned? Nothing? Well fuck you; I spend a lot of money on this. Anyway, I picked those three games because they were the best of the worst, and I wanted to see if they held true to most reviews, proving that games that uses sex to sell truly sucks. While X-Blades was so painful and DOA Xtreme 2 wasn't really a game at all, Rumble Roses XX showed me that it can be done if the developers actually tried instead of spending all the development money on lotion and tissue. Sure RRXX wasn't great (or good), but at least we know it's possible to have gameplay and boobies go hand in hand. Maybe the next game will be good (and maybe the LA Clippers will be Super Bowl Champions.....no that's not a typo).

Rumble Roses XX (STS)

You know what....I'm done. I can't keep subjecting myself to this torture just to prove a point. Earlier this week, I was suppose to pick up Oneechamba Bikini Zombies or whatever the fuck it was called, but thankful Neil stopped me. I don't think I can go through another X-Blades. Despite this, I still needed a third game in order to make the STS segment credible, so here we are. Admittedly, I was drawn to this game because I just love wrestling games, so surely there would be something I like about this game, but I didn't set my heights up too high (about waist high actually). After a week of gaming and binge drinking (I need a new liver), something strange happened...I was having fun. It shocked me at first, but then I remembered I said the same exact shit for Blitz: The League 2, and that didn't turn out well. Well, it's been a good while, and I have to say....it's still fun. What the fuck? Have I finally found a game that uses sex to sell, but is also fun? Yes and no. See, it may have been fun for me, but I'm nuts about wrestling games, and I know most people aren't. Plus, if your looking for a wrestling game, you can do ahellava lot better than this. I give Konami credit for actually having good gameplay, but let's be real. This is another excuse for polygonal half-naked women to touch each other.

DAMN!

Things start off bad the minute you pick new game. First, you pick the character you want, but it's never explained why you have to. So, you pick a woman and go on to the next menu screen. After that, YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! I see customize, options, change character, view photos....WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PLAY OPTION!? It's not until you press exit do you find out where you need to be. Once you press exit, a map will appear with locations to go.....AND AGAIN YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! You have to learn the map basically by trial and error to make any progress in the game, which is poor on Konami part since they want to lead people into boobies. So, here's how it works. You have your tutorial place, a museum to look at shit, your locker room which displayed the menu that confused you to begin with, the shop to buy all kind of naughty things (no anal toys though...damn rated M limitations), exhibtion to free play, and then you have your venues. See, the reason you picked a wrestler first is because when you pick a venue, you will wrestler with that person. Each match you have with that person will affect your career...I think. Your ultimate goal is to be champ, but just like every other aspect of the game...wait for it....YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! There's no way to tell how close you are to your goal. Everybody has their theories on how to get a title shot, but I proved most of them wrong. The only sure thing is that your popularity has to be 100%. Once you get that, I have no freakin clue. Just keep winning and pray.

Anybody got singles?

I think the characters piss me off more than the incoherency (nice word) of the menus. Where do I begin? Let's start with Dixie, the cowgirl. Good job Japan. Every time an American is in a game, they're a fuckin cowboy/cowgirl. How did you know most of us Americans are like that? Now that's good research. Then there's Aisha, the black chick who dances because apparently that's what negro bitches do. You can't even call her black. She's like a burnt, crispy Korean born in the U.S.....and she dances. There's the punk rocker Candy Cane....why not. There's the teacher Miss Spenser because the punk girl should be in school I guess. There's a nurse name Anesthesia who dances behind an X-Ray in her entrance to show off her sexy outline. It's such a turn on (I say this with my middle finger in the air). I get so bored when she shows up, I wanna fall alseep, so I guess the name fits. There are also 2 girls in this game which I'm sure are underaged, and therefore makes me feel uncomfortable. Then there's.......you know what? Fuck it. I can't go on. It's too much. I can't deal with this shit for too long.

Girl on Bear action is always sexy

All in all, in terms of presentation, this is terrible. Honestly, I thought this was suppose to turn me on. Instead, it pissed me off. So, I went into my first match expecting that this would suck harder than...well...most of the girls featured in this bitch. I was thinking this would be a slapfest with a lot of touching and little actually wrestling. Then, I did my first move. I threw my opponent into the air and caught her into a RKO. WHAT? In match number 2, I did the 619...three times...without leaving the ropes! In my third match, I repeatedly kneed a chick in the head until she tapped out. HOLY SHIT THESE WOMEN CAN ACTUALLY WRESTLE! For the first time in a video game, I actually have respect for female wrestlers, even if the developers don't. The controls are good and simple - almost as good as TNA Impact but not quite up there - and anybody should be able to grasp it within their first play. Each half-naked lady has 3 different kick-ass moves: a killer move, a lethal move, and a H-move (the H stands for humiliation). When your meter fills, you stock 1 finisher opportunity. You can store up to five of these. Your killer move can be done anytime on your opponent. It's not that particularly strong, but against a weak opponent it should be enough. Your lethal move can only be done during a certain situation in a certain way, but it almost always ends a fight. As for H-moves, that's a very interesting thing. See, there's a meter that's measures a person embarrassment level, and doing certain moves on your opponent will fill said meter. You know what happens next. The move is A) almost always a submission, and B) ends the fight. You have to learn your moves in this game, or else matches will last forever. These girls can get up from almost anything, and it can get exhausting beating them into submission. Since I'm complaining, the number of moves wrestlers have are limited, and half of them are submissions.....soooo many submissions. Nothing like women holding each other. Also, if you noticed the moves look familiar, it's because they are. This game using the old Smackdown engine, and therefore looks like a game of Smackdown (except with camel toe).

Sweet chin music on...whatever the hell that is

I didn't expect this game to have any meat to it, but it surprised me. I'm gonna play it again when I'm done here if you can believe that. Don't take that as a ringing endorsement though. This game does not have enough to warrant the 12 dollars to get it, especially with more competent games out there. It's just here you give you a stiffy here or there in between matches (or during), and if it does, you are a sad little man (if you are a woman, holla at your boy).

Rating: Meh

NOTE: I just realized that a woman with a stiffy may not be such a good thing. In fact, I'm pretty confident that's something I wanna avoid.

Left 4 Lol

Tips for Wolverine

Somebody told me they were having trouble with the new Wolverine game, so for the benefit of those who are playing on hard difficulty (or who just suck), here are some tips that helped me during my play. THERE MAY BE SOME SPOILERS IN THESE TIPS (MAYBE, MAYBE NOT), SO IF YOU'RE THE TYPE WHO GETS PISSY ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING, THEN DON'T READ THIS POST. I'm pretty sure there are no spoilers, but sometimes it's best to cover your ass.

1. Either Health or Attack
Don't try to upgrade both at the same time. Concentrate on one or the other. If you're not confident in your fighting, than go the health route. If you're playing on hard, you should be good enough so I suggest upgrading your attack first. That way you can get rid of shooters quicker when you lunge at them. Also, you health increases every time you level up or find a mutagen, so build your strength up. Equip health mutagens in empty slots when you get a chance.

2. Berserker
All your rage attacks are useful, but Berserker is probably the best. This plus a severely upgrade attack gets your through (literally) anything.

3. Be a Little Bitch
Sometimes, it's better to just run away, if you can. Not every enemy needs to be killed to move on in this game, which is great because sometimes you will get overwhelmed. If you really can't leave a job undone, leave, heal, come back, and raise hell.

4. Get Those Shooters
Believe it or not, they are your biggest threat (unless some big mother fucka or those blue bitches show up). They'll chip away at your health while you fight the melee guys. Get rid of the shooters, and then have fun with the melee guys.

5. STOP! You're Hurt!
After a fight, wait until you're fully healed before moving on. You'll never know when you'll get jumped again, and you really can't count on your healing factor on hard difficulty.

6. Check Yourself, Then Wreck Yourself
If a group of enemies are standing next to an explosive barrel, claw it. I guarantee only one of you will be standing. They are other times where hurting yourself will benefit you, but you better know what you're doing.

7. A Quick Kill Saves A Life
This is something I learned playing God of War, and I'm glad it works in this game, too. When you grab somebody and do a quick kill, you are temporary invincible. Do this as much as you can in between lunges. Also, if you do it right, it's a great way to let yourself heal in a middle of a fight.

8. Let's Do Lunge
Some enemies like to lunge, too. When that happens, like with the machete champion, lunge back. The only person who can counter you is Victor Creed, so go nuts with everyone else.

9. Beating Creed and Deadpool
You're on your own on that one buddy.

10. Counter Counter Counter
Countering attacks will save your ass. It sends one of the guys your fighting flying, which is fuckin useful when fighting near a cliff or knocking some of his friends over. You're also temporary invincible when doing your counter attack. Be warned though, the minute you're done with your attack, someone will attack you, so be quick to block.

11. It's Not the Fall That'll Kill Ya; It's the Sudden Stop
A high edge means a short fight. Knock as many people as you can over the edge. Sadly though, this method won't net you much xp.

12. Those Cloak N' Shotgun Bastards
These guys gave me the most trouble, and honestly, I don't know how you're gonna get through any of the battles with them without damn near dying. The best thing I can suggest is to do your dodge move...a lot. I also noticed that once the guy shoots his shotgun, he'll move around but won't attack for like a minute. Dodge over to him (don't run towards him because his friends will shoot you) and grab him for the quick kill. It's harder than it sounds. Another thing you can do is roll over him like you would the Goliath (the guy with the big arm and shield). Don't immediately attack. When you roll over him, wait a second (not too long or else you'll get shot) and then you can grab him for the instant kill. With these guys, DON'T LUNGE....EVER!

13. When All Else Fails....Lunge
Except for when fighting the aforementioned shotgun pussies.

Follow these, and I guarantee you'll do great...until the Sentinel fight; then you're fucked.

X-MEN Origins: Wolverine - Uncaged Edition

Let me just get this out of the way. The Uncaged Edition is out for PS3 and 360; is rated M for mature, and is made by Raven Software. The other version is out for Wii, PS2, PSP, and DS, is rated T for teen (except for the DS version which is E10), and is made by Amaze Entertainment. Raven's version is a bloodfest featuring beheadings, tearing limbs, and gruesome environmental kills (more on that later), while Amaze's version is a standard beat em up with little blood and no real visual damage done on the enemies or Wolverine. From what I heard, the 360 and PS3 will not get the clean version and vise versa; the Uncaged Edition will be the only version you can play for 360 and PS3. For the people who may be wondering, Raven has been making this game for 2 and a half years, and started maybe months before the movie started production. They wanted to make a bloodly game that's true to the character because bloody combat was what the Wolverine comics were all about. This game wasn't intended to be a movie tie-in, but things change. Luckily, they let Raven continue with what they planned on doing, which explains why there's a rated M game for a PG-13 movie. As for Amaze Entertainment, my guess is they got the job last minute, which is why their version is like so many movie tie-in games: shitty.
Good. Now let's get to the sexy, sexy violence.

Before I continue, let me make the following announcement: I promise I will not use the word "Bub" at any moment in this review. I can't promise though that I won't use the phrase "I'm the best at what I do" because that line is fuckin catchy. Moving on.

The average person may be fooled into buying a game based on a movie because the movie kicks ass, so they think the game must kick ass too. For seasoned gamers, we know better than that. Most games are rushed through production to meet the deadline so they can be released when the movie comes out, and play like shit because of it. There are only 2 examples of kick-ass games that were released with their respective movies: Spider-Man 2 and Wolverine. I was very surprised by how fuckin awesome this game turned out, and even more surprised by how long the game is (8 - 10 hours). I'm gonna say it right now: get this game.

Do you REALLY wanna find this guy?

If you want a story, go see the movie. I'm not going into any details about the story because it might just ruin the movie for anyone planning to see it (I haven't seen it myself either). I will say that the story in this game jumps back and forth between the past and the present, and it got a little annoying for me, but that's neither here nor there. What's really important is the satisfying combat. The controls are simple enough: light attack, heavy attack, grab, jump, block, lock-on. This normally breaks down to button mashing, but since you're playing as an unstoppable badass, does it fuckin matter? Besides, it's little more complicated than that. Like I say in the Ninja Blade review, you better make sure the enemies are worth a damn, and Wolverine does just that. A lot of the enemies act as cannon fodder, but there's usually A LOT of them onsceen shooting at you. These guys like to chip away your health while the better fighters confront Logan (Wolverine's name) up close. The other guys aren't exactly easy to beat, at least not at first, and it took me a while to figure out the quickest way to beat them. Of course, you can always grab them and pull off an execution. When you grab an enemy, press the attack button to watch Logan pull his fist back and claws shine. Once his claws start shining, press the attack button again quick to do an execution. These are always cool to look at, and surprisingly it never gets old. One finisher has Logan putting both claws at the base of some dude's spine, and he ripped him in half.....AWESOME! Against tougher enemies, you will have to beat them up alot before you can do an execution, but the reward is soooo sweet. I even turned some guy's own shotgun against his head. With that said, gunplay would have been cool, but claws are good enough. Your best attack in the game is definitely the lunge attack. This attack let's you close the gap on any opponent too far away for normal attacks. Logan will pounce on whoever you're locked-on to and proceed to tear the enemiy apart. It's good for stopping pussies from shooting at you from like 3 blocks away. There are also environmental kills for those who like to be creative with their killing. Picking guys up and impaling them on somethng is fun, or throwing people into explosives is always funny.

The dude in white needs to start shooting

You know how in action games when you get attacked, there's no damage done to your body. Seriously, you would get attacked by swords and you wouldn't have so much as a rip in your shirts. That doesn't happen here. When you attack enemies, you will see claw marks on them. Likewise, when you take damage, you'll see it on your skin, which leads to the coolest aspect of the game: the healing factor. See, Wolverine can heal from practically anything, which makes him virtually unkillable. Whenever he takes damage, like a shotgun blast to the gut, that hole in his body will just simply close up. There are times where Logan's body was completely jacked up. On one stage, I took 2 missiles and an explosive barrel, and I was basically a walking skeleton. As I was walking to my next objective, I was watching the meat grow back, and then the skin closed up. KICK....ASS! Some of you are probably wondering "Well if he heals, how does he die?" To the dismay of Marvel fans, Logan can die. When you take too much damage, your vitals will be exposed. If they take too much of a beating before your healing can activate, You're dead. Marvel fans...don't hit me up about how wrong that is. I don't care.

A transformer!? Optimus mother fuckin Prime!

This game does have it's issue though. Any video game geek can tell you that the Unreal engine has it's problems. There are times where people look really smooth, as if their bodies have no textures on them whatsoever. I have no idea how to explain that better. Logan will sometimes float in mid-air, and enemies can sometimes get stuck behind stuff. This didn't happen that much with me, but I heard other people having these problems. After a while, the combat gets repetitive, but what beat em up game doesn't. The biggest problem with this game is the boss fights. Here's how you win: lunge. No matter who you face, it's nothing lunging can't solve, even the final boss. Boss fight are usually boring, which is a shame because the rest of the package is great. Ah well, at least there's no Moon Knight.

Why is that other guy in mid-air?

A quick question to the developers: How does Logan's tank top regenerates? I didn't realized he had powers over cotton. I don't know why, but it really bothers me to see his shirt magically reappear. Anyway, this game is fun, pure and simple. If you like blood and violence, then you have to check this game out. No, it's not in my hall of fame, but it's good enough to justify the money, and that's something I haven't said in a long time.

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: Seriously Marvel fans, I don't want to hear shit about Wolverine. Also, I told you I wouldn't say those lines.