Dark Sector quickie

DARK Sector is probably the most appropriate for this game because even when you're outside in the middle of the fuckin day, the game is dark as hell. Jesus, it's like I'm playing Saboteur again, except no titties. I know light is hard to program, but is it so difficult to make it so that I can fuckin see!? Other than that, it's a generic ass third person shooter. That blade you throw is pretty cool, but that'll get old quick because...well, you'll be doing that all damn day to make the gameplay somewhat entertaining. Even by 2007's standards, this game is boring as hell. Normally a game that is boring is rated Meh, but this game boring to the point of ass. The only good thing about it is that I was able to get it for five bucks at work. In other words:

This 5 buck box, suck lots of cocks
I shouldof bought Gears, that rocks and rocks
It sucks as a game
It suck as a box
I'd rather have someone pull my dreadlocks
[Neil]: What comes in this box, that sucks some cocks
A cool weapon held, by a butt munch
[Cheerleaders]: His right handed tool, is pretty cool
[Neil]: World domination and a plot twist?
Both on the list, and now let me think, enemies that stink.
[Neil]: That does suck a lot in just one box
But it was only 5 bucks, so my wallet still rocks



NOTE: Anybody else feel like going to Taco Bell?

Mass Effect 2

Oh god dammit Bioware, not again. You've already taken too much of my time with Dragon Age; now you've released the sequel to the most kick ass RPG I've ever played. How do you even find the time to do all of this? Ever tried juggling between two extensively long video games? Not easy. Luckily for me, Mass Effect 2 is a lot shorter then Dragon Age (everything is shorter than Dragon Age) so I was able to finish it, but this game is still huge and I can't do it alone. That's why I enlisted of the smartass Neil to help me review this. He hasn't done a review since Street Fighter 4 almost a year ago....damn. You ready to do this man?

[Neil]: Sooooo, you need my help to review a game a lot shorter than a game you did by yourself?

..........that's not the point.



You are Commander Shepard, the biggest bad-ass to have ever led a group of bad asses this side of space...and you are dead. At least, that's what the galaxy thinks. After being blown to hell with your ship, you're found by a private corporation, Cerberus. Yes, they do have a shady reputation, but you're Commander fuckin Shepard. If they crossed the line, your foot will cross their ass. Also, you..umm...kinda owe them for...you know...bringing you back to life, but still, ass whooping for all who cross you. Humans are disappearing, and Cerberus wants you, Commander bad-ass, to find out why and whoop some ass. But it's not just you out there putting your ass on the line. It's mainly you, but there are others there to help you. Bioware has added a lot of personality to the supporting cast, and for once, I actually give a damn about the people around me.

[Neil] Now when a sequel comes out, you gotta come correct when it comes to presentation. Mass Effect 2 did not disappoint…mostly. Let’s start with the good. Just like the first game, the Normandy is extremely detailed with all the bells and whistles. What really stands out are the loading screens. Yes, the loading screens. These shots kick ass!! Shit moves! In the first one all you had was that blue sphere thing from the mass relay point. Now, there’s other stuff. I can’t remember all the stuff but trust me there a lot of it. Also, each planet that you are able to land on looks completely different from any other one. Why is this good? If you’re asking that you should be slapped. (Kevin get on that). Being unique is what makes an RPG great. Actually that’s a rule in most games. DON’T BE FUCKIN GENERIC!!! Even the NPCs on each planet are different. To go into that much detail on an American RPG? That’s just…awesome.



If you remember from my Dragon Age review, I said Mass Effect 1 was damn near broken, and it was. Sometimes people glitched through walls, people would disappear, textures wouldn't appear when the game boots up from a save file (like in Gears 2 when multiplayer starts), and sometimes the game will just crash forcing you to restart. Not really a problem in ME2. Everything runs smoothly while improving the graphics, and thank christ that the texture doesn't fuckin disappears anymore. It's still not perfect though. There are still instances where people would get stuck in the environment or the audio would drop when turned from someone. There's also been some claims that the game still crashes, but I've been playing for days, and it's hasn't happened yet.



[Neil] If you played the first game, welcome back. The buttons and control are basically the same. There is one catch though. Each different class has a special ability. Soldiers can slow down time for a few seconds. If you’re like me and adore putting bullets in stuff, then this is the class for you. Every weapon is at your disposal and all of them hurt…sweet. I also tried the vanguard class. This is for the shotgun enthusiast, like Kevin. The charge attack kicks ass, but if u don’t like close range combat, don’t bother. The other classes have nice moves too, just haven’t tried the out yet. Notice I said “yet.” There is so much replay value in this. The morale system can give alternate endings which means something different can happen each time. Sweet!!



All the stuff that didn't work in the first game is gone. It's good to see all the crap I had to put up with in the first game got cut out. I see Bioware has received my hate mail. The mako drove like shit float on a river of shit towards the shittyfall and that....and then....Ugh I'm out of shit references. Well, it's good not to drive that again. In fact, you don't drive anything at all. It's better that way. All the confusing weapon and armor customization is gone as well. Now weapon upgrades that don't need to be bought apply automatically to you and your whole crew, eliminating the need to micromanage. That also means that there's little customization and no looting. In other words, if you're a fan of Borderlands, don't expect the same shit. The result is a more action pack game where shit hits the fan, and it's hell in the hole. With a lot of RPG elements gone, some might say it's no longer a role playing game, but I say fuck that! This is more than a RPG than most, especially JRPGs. Not only do you play a role (something JRPGs can't seem to fuckin grasp), but you're very invested in your character because he or she is everything you make him/her out to be. Your decisions hold weight, and some of the most trivial shit can come back to bite you on the ass. In other words, you runs shit; you're not just along for the ride. Speaking of running shit, if you import your ME1 file to ME2, you'll see the results of all the decisions you made in ME1. It really makes you stop and think before you just respond to a situation. Before I knew ME2 was coming out, I just picked any old answer, most decided through a flip of a coin. Now when I play ME2, I stop and go "How will this bite me in the ass later?" That is awesome.



And now onto the subject of sex. Neil if you would...

[Neil] There isn't any. Get over it.

Thank you Neil. Yes, there's no actual sex scenes in this game. You can still get laid in the game, you just won't see it. Now if you're upset by that...

[Neil] You're a fuckin loser.

Thanks again. I believe though that Bioware should make it their business to eliminate sex from their games for now on for the sole purpose of pissing off the internet dweeds on forums now n' days. I went to 2 forums recently to find info on a mini-nuke launcher (OMFG that just sounds fuckin awesome), and I see 3 pages of heated discussion about the lack of sex scenes. Now, I played to make several jokes on the subject (4 of them were lesbian jokes), but after seeing that sad display, I'm instead gonna make a plea to the folks at Bioware: please no more sex scenes. Look at all the annoyance it's causing. If anything, don't give these animals ammo.

[Neil] Make them quit cold turkey.

Quite.

[Neil] But while we're on the subject, Kelly goes both ways...so have at it.

Really? Hmmm....fuck did I do with that game?

Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Rings of Death

[Neil] You know, we forgot to do a closing paragraph.

Oh shit, you're right. Ummm......Mass Effect 2 is one of those games you can't put down. I've have lost sleep, meals, bathroom breaks, and showed up late for work just because of the addictive nature of this game. Pick this one up. You owe it to yourself, especially after you moved that couch for your buddy. Treat yourself...to awesome.

[Neil] You also forgot to do your NOTE thing.

FUUUUCK!

NOTE: How did you like the top ten ninja list? I bet you didn't even know there were 10 ninjas in 360's history.

One Year, and Still Going Strong...Kinda

Well I'll be cunt fuckin damn. Who would have guess that this little blog that shows absolutely no sign of professionalism (or skill) whatsoever would last one year hosted by a lazy nerd who does nothing all day but play games with no real explanation on how he's able to get all the games with absolutely no budget, but hey, here we are. You know, I learned a lot while doing this blog. Mainly it's that a task like this requires one to eliminate any remnants of a personal life (especially if you're playing Dragon Age), but it's more than that. Here's what I've learned.

This bitch is hard
I thought writing reviews off the top of my head would be quick. Then I realized that what you think I your head doesn't necessarily look good in text, so you have to edit. After having nothing but text and the box art pic, I realized my reviews looked dull, so I added pics with captions on the bottom to make it look pretty. After adding videos to a few irrelevant posts, I figured that would be better than pics, which added more to the workload. So now the whole process can take up to 3 hours withouts distractions. Oh yea, I also have to play the games.

People really like DBZ
I really didn't expect any comments under the DBZ double review because...well let's face it, nobody leaves comments, but I got 6 for it. Hmm. I guess people really want to know about it. I wish I get this much coverage for my other reviews, or at least share their thoughts about ninjas, which leads to the next thing I've learned....

Ninjas are awesome!
This goes without saying, but let's say it anyway. You cannot name me one situation where a ninja would be inappropriate. Birthday parties? Of course ninjas can make those great, especially if that guy you didn't invite crashed the party and is being a total douche. Nothing ninja stars can't fix. Just make sure not to touch him or he'll touch you back...with his sword...to your jugular. Sociology class? I sure you know about the rule that if your roommate dies, you gets A's that semester. Same rule applies to your professor, especially if nobody knows how it happened. Now that's ninja. Sex? Three words: flips and flexibility....yea, that's what I thought. See, how can you bet against ninjas? For all you pirate lovers out there, I got 2 words for ya: KUDO CHOP!

I haven't done any Xbox games
And by Xbox I mean Xbox originals. You know, the games for the old heavy ass black brick. Why? Because the games I want cost too damn much. Jet Set Radio Future used topped at $120 online. That is ridiculous. Anyway, if I do review one, you know it's good...maybe...kinda...I don't know. Fuck it.

A looooot of Games
I play more games than I thought. It's actually pretty fuckin amazing. I don't know if I should proud of it or not.

Over this past year, I've been asked plenty of questions, mostly by friends who visit the site (and insult me afterwords...assholes) and random people who email me, but I get scared opening random mail for obvious reason, and upon further thought I should remove my email address. Anyway, here's some of the stuff asked to me:

What games would you like to see made or would make yourself?
First would be a puzzle platformer. There's not a lot of those nowadays, and I find myself shifting through Xboxlive Arcade for one decent enough. Obvious, it would have to star a ninja because who better for the job? Another game would be an RPG along the lines of Mass Effect 2 staring ninjas. Ya know you want it. Bioware...make it happen. The game I would make is that game I mentioned way back in my Halo Wars review called Recognize My Genius, and if you go back to the review, you can get the full breakdown. Somewhere, I will add ninjas.

What's your favorite game?
Hmmm. Are we talking recently or of all time? If we talking about all time it's the old Sonic games for Sega. Sonic 1-3 and Knuckles, not that god awful 3D Blast. For 360, I guess it's Call of Duty because I still play that regularly. I even stopped playing Halo. So yea, those are my favs, at least until Recognize My Genius comes out.

What's the one thing you hate about doing this blog?
It has to be the fact that while I'm working, that's when everybody wants to start fuckin talking to me. Texts, calls, and IMs just attack me almost every times. It's like everybody psychically tuned in to see when I start, and then fuckin distract me. Listen friends....cut the shit!

What was the biggest surprise you had while working on the blog?
Easy; the Saints winning the Super Bowl. I know it's not relevant to video games....but damn. Didn't see that when the season started. I will say this, when Super Sunday came, they won me 10 bucks. I may be a Cowboys fan, but Saints....you alright with me. FYI: we'll kick your ass again next year too. WHO DAT getting smacked around by dem Cowboys? That should spark some hate.

What game disappointed you the most?
Actually, Mass Effect 2, but not because the story or gameplay or anything like that. If you haven't played Mass Effect 2, this paragraph has a small spoiler, so if you get snippy about that sort of thing, skip this paragraph. He gone? Okay, so later in the game I finished Tali's loyalty mission, so I went down to where she works on my ship and starting a convo like I do with everyone. She starting dropping hints that she likes me, and by dropping hints I mean ramble like that geeky bookworm loser girl who looks kinda hot if she were to take off the glasses so you ask her if she wanted to do a little something something, and she starts rambling because she wants to, but she's so nervous so she can't get her thoughts out but.....where was I going with this? Anyway, I was gonna bang Tali, but that wasn't my goal. I wanted to do her because I wanted to see her face. Who doesn't want to see a quarian's face? During the love scene, guess what I didn't see...her face. YOU MEAN I PASSED UP MIRANDA AND KELLY FOR YOU TO DENY ME THIS!? HOW DARE YOU!.....I'm sorry; I don't know what came over me.

Why don't you use gamefly instead of buying all your games?
I did at first, but someone was stealing them. I don't know if it was from my mailbox or at the post office, but I didn't get a lot of the games I ordered, so they canceled my account. Ah well, at least I don't have to pay that shit back.

It's been a fun year, at least I think so. I've been drunk through most of it. Seriously, I've actually done reviews drunk before. I had to go back to read them, and say to myself "what the fuck?" So, what do I have planned for this year? Well, I can tell you this much; there will be more liquor. Stay tuned.....and sober. I like to thank my peoples who helped me: Ken, Neil, Bernette at one point, Travis for being a douche, that 2K5 guy, and even people I don't know or care about. Good Night, thanks for reading, and....and....I don't know, fuck it. Kevin aka Fackeen Oresum signing out.

Dante's Inferno

Gee, this year's already starting to seem like the year of rip-offs apparently. First Bayonetta as the Devil May Cry rip-off, then Darksiders ripping off Zelda while trying to make it look like God of War. Now we've reached Dante's Inferno, a blatant copy of God of War,and the Saints Row of action games, except Saints Row actually matched the level of awesome of the game it copied from. Dante, copying off of Kratos isn't a bad idea...if you do it right, but unfortunately for you you copied from too high a bar and failed to meet expectations. If you had done your own thing, Inferno would have been something truly spectacular, but now the best you can hope for is people calling you that 'God of War-like' game.

Dante is a crusade knight who probably should have died when stabbed in the back during the war, but somehow has the skills to kill Death himself and take his scythe. Despite the fact you're supposed to be a normal human, I have to admit, that's pretty bad-ass. Only a handful of people could pull that off: the Belmonts (Castlevania series), ninjas, and Kratos, although give Master Chief a Spartan Laser and we might see something interesting. He returns home from war to find his wife and some fat dude dead, and Lucifer dragging his love's soul down to hell for something Dante must have done. Since he was in the crusades, maaaaaybe it has something to do with the hundreds upon hundreds of people he slaughtered, or maaaaybe the people in charge of the afterlife have a problem with you killing their employee of the month and stealing his tool. Either way, Dante now goes through hell to get his love back. This game is based on the famous poem (which is basically a novel) the Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri, and although I didn't read it, I have a funny feeling the original story didn't have Dante storming through the Devil's house and fuckin up his furniture.

The developer went through great length into making Hell a place you don't want to travel through, and in doing so, it makes Hell a place you want to travel through. Hmm, that seemed to make more sense in my head, but the point is Hell is more....hellish than you think and sets the tone of the game like no other. Each circle of hell you pass (there are 9 total) has it's own theme and set of monsters that range from gross to 'I'm not gonna sleep at night'. Don't believe me? Play through the first circle Lust. Seeing a giant demon woman with acid-drooling mouths where her nipples were supposed to be and has minions that shoot tentacles out of their panooches makes you rethink that date you had planned. That reminds me, happy early Valentine's Day. The developers tried a little too hard with being creepy though, like unbaptized babies with hook arms, and some stuff come out as goofy instead.

Now to talk about the combat: God of War with a lot less combos. That's it. The only difference besides the weapons of choice is that Dante doesn't link his attacks like Kratos. If anything, Dante fights more like War from Darksiders because light and heavy attacks don't blend together to make combos. Also, what moves you can do are much more limited.

What more can I say? Anything else would just be a review of God of War, and that's not coming till April. Yep, I'm doing another PS3 review because Kratos is that awesome. For those who don't have a PS3, this is pretty much as close as you're gonna get. It's good, don't get me wrong, but more was expected.

Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Rings of Death

NOTE: Good news and bad news. The good new is this is the first review I've ever posted on the release date of the game. The bad news is because of that fact, it's hard to find decent vids on the game, at least without having to put the content warning page up. Maybe I'll post some later. I would put up pix, but I'm trying to get away from that.

Dragon Age: Origins

The only videos I could find were of the PC version, so the game obvious doesn't play exactly like that. Plus compared to the PC version, the Xbox360 version looks like shit. If you have a super computer, get the PC version.

I wouldn't have given this game a try if it was made by anybody else but Bioware, creators of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Jade empire, the buggy yet kickass Mass Effect, and surprising enough Sonic Chronicles (I Know!). This is the type of RPGs that I'm familiar with, and therefore stay away from because quite frankly, I see nothing interesting about middle Earth (which is what I'm now calling this era of time). I don't generally like dwarfs and elves and mages and shit like that, but never criticize a product until you tried it (except Sonic Shuffle for Dreamcast) so I decided to pick up a copy. Well, I'm 14 hours in, and something weird is happening. This game reaffirms that I don't like this setting or it's characters, but I can't stop playing. It really says something about the developers if they can hold your attention while playing something you don't like.



So I'm 14 hours in (not counting how many times I fuckin died!), and I'm only sticking to the main quest because all the side quest don't peak much interest. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty confident that I'm not even halfway done. In short, this game is looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong! It's time to start neglecting your family and job because this a huge time commitment, and I mean a big one. The reason for this is because the quests you're on a fuckin huge! Counting the times I died, I spent 4 hours completing one..ONE FUCKIN QUEST! For those who played the game (at least as a mage), it's the quest where you go back to the Circle of Magi and decide to help. And the funny thing about that is I was still in the middle of another quest when I went there. I thought it would a quick 'go in and kill everything' type of thing lasting no more than - I don't know - 45 minutes. NO! 4 BALL SWEATING HOURS! Then I started back on the quest I was originally was supposed to be doing, and halfway through that quest, I realized it was 5 in the morning. I started at 10 the night before. Yea, this game was not designed for people with a social life. Storylines take forever to play out, and half the time I forgot what I was doing. I was just killing people randomly until dialog finally popped up.



Normally in a game like this, I would pick the warrior class because:
A) They never have the fuckin ninja class, and
B) I'm highly aggressive and like to get to the stabby stabby as soon as possible,
but this time I decided to do things differently and went with the female elf mage with a badass tattoo over her eye. Little did I know that this may not be the game you want to try out new shit because I died a lot. Maybe it's because I learned way too late into the game that 'constitution' increases your health and durability. Yea, I know, dummy smacks for me, but why call it constitution? What the fuck happened to health? Are we to fancy now to use that word? I hope not because I never got the fuckin memo. I started off okay, but after a while, my weak body couldn't stand to fight no matter how strong my magic was. And while we're talking about magic, why do mages need mana? They're fuckin mages! Magic should just be flowing out of their asses. They don't need a blue bar telling them what's their limit. In fact, a good mage would make that bar disappear. I think Fable 2 got it right when they eliminated the mana bar because when you run out, your fuckin useless unless you're carrying refills, and since I'm constantly getting my ass kicked, I normally have none going into boss battles.....joy. Luckily, you can switch between your teammates and play as them, which is what I used to do until I realized my mage was blowing all her mana and virtually became useless because the AI doesn't know how to fuckin refill and neither did I! Geez, the game's quests are long enough; you mean to tell me I have to micromanage my team at the same time to make sure they don't fuck up? Holy crap! This game doesn't let you take it easy, does it?



I really don't like the style of gameplay. Basically, you point and click (in PC terms anyway) at what you want dead, and you and the enemy take turns hitting each other. If you ever played World of Warcraft...that. You press A to attack, and watch as your character goes through the attack motion over and over again while the enemy (or enemies because you will get jumped a lot) does the same thing, occasionally switching up to do a better move. There's no reactions to the hits at all really. Seriously, until one of you dies, you'll keep attacking like nothing's happening to you....it's weird. Every time you hit them, a number pops over their head. Gee, I didn't know we were playing murder bingo. I can't wait to see what they do for Scrabble. In all seriousness, the numbers tell you what hit points you've taken away from the enemy, but it's kinda redundant since the health bar is right over their heads. Actually, I take that back because you need those numbers to show you what attacks are the most effective against certain enemies and which ones..UUUUUUUUGH! I can't take this anymore. Why can't I just kill people normally?

You may have noticed I left the story out, but what do you want me to say? There's like 1000s of these fuckin stories that you can go through, and each is like an hour long at least. I can't keep track of my own life, let alone what's going on in this game. I guess the main thing here is that you're something called a Grey Warden, which is a big deal in this world, and you must rally an army to fight hellspawn and bla bla bla. I'm not even sure if that's even important anymore with all the times I've been sidetracked...BY DOING SHIT IN THE MAIN QUESTS!! So how can I continue to play a game I obviously don't like? I'll say this though; those bastards know how to make a damn good story. That's just the magic of Bioware I guess. Even when shit seems discombobulated, it all comes together in the end. It's that same kind of writing that made Mass Effect so kick ass despite the fact that the game was damn near broken. Dragon Age's story...well, stories always kept me interested and motivated me to keep going to see what would happen next. If the CD was nothing more than cut-scenes (and not..you know...60 bucks obviously) I think I would have been happy with that.

I don't know how to rate this one. I can't call it meh because that rating is for games I'm disinterested in. You know, the kind of games you have in your library that you glanced at a couple of times, but say fuck it and don't play them. This isn't that, but at the same time I can't call it sweet because I don't like the gameplay. So you know what, this game gets no rating. That's right; make your own damn rating for a change.

NOTE: Message to Bioware....NINJAS!....think about it. You know this to be awesome.