Stoked: Big Air Edition

Okay, a lot of this review is a rehash of the review I did for the original Stoked (which is why you'll see the old pics and not gameplay footage from youtube), and pretty much any new info is basically only about what been added in the game. Also, there may be some info not relevant to today since it's almost been a year. Wow, where the time go?

StokEd is all about the back country; no parks allow. There's nothing but trees and rocks (and the occasional house). You would think that it would make the mountains less fun to ride, and in a way it does, but that doesn't kill the experience in any way. It's fun to careen downhill into a forest hoping you don't hit a tree on the way down. Hope is pointless because you usually do, but its fun nevertheless. When you pick one of the 5 mountains (2 of them are locked in the beginning) you can start from a number of drop zones and make your way down the mountain, completeing challenges on the way. My only complaint about this is that you can't start at the very top and decide which way you want to go, or at least not on all of them. There's this feature where the weather changes on the mountains, but I have yet to noticed any real changes in gameplay except you may move a little slower in knee deep snow.

Zero Points? You Suck!

The controls mimic those of Skate: you use the trigger and the analog to do grabs, grind (jib in snowboarding terms) by jumping on the surface, and....and....huh, I guess that's it. Okay then. The game does award bonus moves or skills depending on how you ride. Are you a hucker or a stylist? Huckers do as many moves as the can before they land. Stylist riders concentrate on one move at a time and land it nicely. Huck enough and you can do moves faster. Style a lot and you can unlocked tweaked moves (tweaked moves are standard moves with extra flair). If you're like me, huck away.

Still no points, huh?

The main goal in this game is to become a pro, and to do that you have to complete challenges set by people who have nothing better to do but stay outside all day in the freakin freezing mountain waiting for someone to come at meet the challange. The challenges start off slow and kinda boring, but once you get sponsored, challenges come in left and right and are a real test of skill. You may have to check your move list several hundred times, but it's all good. These challenge are not easy, at least at first, and doing competitions are increasingly difficult, but with great difficulty comes great satifaction (Nobody compare that last sentence to Spider-man, and if your saying "Huh? How is that related to Spider-man?", then you're doing alright. Keep it up.)

See, if you keep landing on your head, you won't score any points

Big Air Edition adds a few new additions that, in my opinion, makes this one of the best snowboarding game of all time (this, SSX, and 1080). They finally added racing events, which for some reason is my favorite thing to do in snowboarding games. I kind of wish they'd increase the speed more than they had, but it'll do. The controls have been smoothed out and graphics improved nicely, but not much since again this is still a budget title. Inside the game case, there's a printed version of the trick list, so now you don't have to pause the game to look to see how to do a trick. The game also added park object, which really seem out of place in a game like this. The 2 biggest additions is the helicopter and the 2 new mountains. You can fly the copter yourself and drop off at any point of the mountain....awesome.

Ummm...that's it. Yea. That's all I have to say. Hmmm, thought I would have more to say. It's an excellent game is you like snowboarding, and for $40 it's a good deal. Hmmm....you know, it feels like I'm not using enough space. I mean this is short even by my lazy ass standards. I feel like I need to fill the void with something. Oh, the soundtrack features a bunch of no-name talent that does a good job capturing the feel of the game, and it's a extensive list of songs. What else; what else? I guess friends can ride online. Ummm......fuck it; I said all I can say. Just buy the damn thing.

Rating: Fuckin Awesome (and it's 40 Bucks!)

NOTE: I'm thoroughly upset that there isn't a single snowboard deck with a picture of a ninja. Not one. I'm not asking for a whole clan here; just one kickass ninja.

Reviews Revisited

There are some reviews that apparently needs to be clarified because some don't understand why I feel a certain way or gave a game a certain score, so I decided to explain a little more about some of the games I reviewed, starting the most talked about (amazingly) DBZ double review.

DBZ Burst Limit and Ragin Blast:
Lets me explain why I prefer Burst Limit over Raging Blast based on fighting engines alone. First off, Burst Limit is a lot easier to learn, and allows for easy pick up and play fun. Raging Blast, on the other hand, has a mean ass learning curve, and will kick your ass for the next 3 days. Some people may think a steep learning curve isn't an issue (just get better bitch), and I personally don't mind it, but the whole point to fighting games is to play with people, and trying to teach your friends Raging Blast is a bitch an a half, maybe even 2 bitches. In Burst Limit, I just have to tell them what button does what. They still wouldn't beat me, but they can put up a fight unlike Raging Blast. Second, and more importantly, Raging Blast didn't make enough changes to continue to make it fun. They add 2 new additions I think, but you barely notice them, nor will you use them. Burst Limit changed the way Ki works, added Aura Spark, added more complicated combos (although you might not use them), and added (whether you like it or not) drama pieces. Make no mistake; it's still fuckin Budokai, but enough changes were made to make it last...until the next game.

Raging Blast does have more game modes than Burst Limit, and KO mode is a clever and kick-ass idea, but for the most part, the modes not featured in Burst Limit seem kind of bland. I am disappointed though that Burst Limit does not have a tourny mode (what the hell Atari!?). Mission mode though could not have been implemented any worst. First you have to beat the story fight (cut-scenes and all) in order to unlock the missions. Why? Why not just have them to fucking begin with!? You mean I have to sit though these cut-scenes again!? Sigh* well, in order to know what your missions are, you have to read them before starting the fight...BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN!! Who's fucking idea was that!? I can't press pause to remind what the missions are because the fuckin menu doesn't have that option. Before entering a fight, you better fuckin remember or you're screwed. The game doesn't even keep track of what you did, so you won't know until the end of the match, and you'll be pissed off at what you thought you complete was actually not finished and you'll have to fuckin start all over again...CUT-SCENES AND ALL!!! And when you know you fucked up, the game doesn't even give up an option to retry! You either have to quit to the main menu and pick the fight again, going through load screens in the process, or finish the fight all the way to the end...CUT-SCENES AND ALL!!!...till you reach the endgame menu where they ask you to retry! All this for fuckin SSJ3 Vegeta!? This is fucking HORRENDOUS!!! FUCK MISSION MODE AND FUCK RAGING BLAST!!!!

Bayonetta:
There is one other thing I forgot to mention that I don't like about this awesome game.....random ass quick time events. Oh my god, they could not have fucked them up more. We're talking Resident Evil 5 bad where they randomly show up on cut-scenes. This QTE shit is already bad, but now it's getting horrendous. Other than that, Bayonetta kicks ass.

Uncharted 2:
Somebody wanted to know if I have any complaints about the multiplayer since I nitpicked the hell out of single-player. Well, yes, I have one complaint. The matchmaking sucks. Just like in Call of Duty, the game just throws random people in matches with no regard to skill level, but unlike Call of Duty, noobs can't put up any kind of fight really. They say if you play through story mode entirely, you're set, but that's not true. Unlike you know the map layout, you WILL be bitchslapped around no matter how many times you did the train scene.

Assassin's Creed 2:
Does anybody know WHAT THE FUCK the truth means?

Saboteur, Darksiders, and NFS Shift

Crazy 11 days people, just crazy. All my free time has been on video games, and it's reached the point that I go to sleep dreaming about the games I've played; I am not joking. Now that I got Mass Effect 2.....whole days gone. Laundry's not done, room not cleaned, friends and family not contacted. I may not even do a review on ME2 because I may accidentally reveal too much awesome and ruin it for you. Anyway, it's time to put all that experience online, and the best way to do that is not one, not two, but THREE reviews in one post! So let's kick this off with Darksiders.

In Darksiders, you play as one of the four horsemen, and at this point you should be able to guess which one. Famine and Pestilence are clearly pussies, so they're out of the picture, and while Death is an interesting choice, that would makes things too easy. All he would have to do is show up and everybody dies. He like the Superman of horsemen, and upon further thought I guess that makes Pestilence Aquaman. So obviously you play as Batman...I mean War. Apparently, War accidentally started the apocalypse and released the demons and angel unto Earth for the final round of Friday night fights. Stripped of his powers by whoever the fuck is in charge, War is sent back to either correct the mistake he made or die trying. Or course, being the almighty and powerful fuck up that you are, they don't entirely trust you, so they sent some ghostly figure to watch your ass constantly.

In my Bayonetta review, I said that Darksiders had little in common with God of War, and while I'm somewhat correct, this game sure as hell tricks you into thinking it will be. You start off cutting everything in your path, but then you reach your first dungeon or temple and realize "Hold up; this is a lot like Zelda." That's because it is Zelda, only it has the God of War coat of paint. You have your hookshot, you have your version of the boomerang, you have a horse (well he is a horseman so you can't really call that copying), you have to find maps and keys and bla bla bla. And to top it all off, you get a Portal gun, making it 3 games Darksiders blatantly stole from. I guess what you have to ask yourself is that do you like Zelda, or in this case a bloody, 8-10 hour long Zelda. If the answer is yes, then you will love this game despite the fact it has absolutely no identity of its own. I found it to be entertaining. The levels are well thought out, the puzzles are clever, and the story is....nevermind. Combat though is the one thing I don't like. There are no real combos except press X a lot. If you want to be fancy, you can press Y a lot once you get a second weapon. Your basically mashing X the whole time. The block is a fuckin joke. It only blocks a few of the attacks, and if you move the left stick and block at the same time, he'll do a dashing dodge move instead. Sometimes when you mean to block, you'll dash instead, and that can really fuck things up. Speaking of fucking thing up, the camera sucks.....that's all I have to say. If you die a lot, that's probably why. All in all, Darksiders is a good game and something I recommend renting on a Friday night unless you're busy picking up hookers.

The Saboteur is one of those games that start off with the phrase "like Grand Theft Auto but...", and in this case Saboteur is like Grand Theft Auto but boring. Your missions basically comes down to either saving someone, killing someone, or blowing something up, and that would have been fine, if the missions were presented better. In most missions, you have the option of either using stealth or run n' gun - or as I like to call it 'go Rambo'. More often than not, going Rambo is probably the stupidest fuckin idea in the world as the whole compound will collapse on your stupid Irish ass. You could use the stealth option, and even go as far as disguise yourself, but guards gets suspicious extremely fuckin quickly leaving no choice but to go Rambo. I like a game that demands that you think before you act, but it seems like everything I try gets me killed, and that pisses me the fuck off. Ultimately, that's the problem with Saboteur; it's boring when you're succeeding and frustrating when you fail. Even if it does have tits, I see no reason to get this, especially since GTA: Episodes from Liberty City came out shortly before that.

I just realized that I didn't even explain what the game is about, which would explain why some of you were confused when I called your ass Irish. You play an Irishman who start a revolution against the Nazi in Paris France of all places. Why an Irish hero in France? Hell if I know. Maybe the now defunct studio that made the game really like the Irish (they did provide us a holiday specifically designed for drinking...awesome). Maybe they believed a French hero would be a oxymoron. Who knows. Who cares? All I know is that the voice actors suck. These are some of the worst accents I have ever heard in my life. They can't even sound like they're faking an accent. Shit, Assassin's Creed 2 did it; why couldn't Saboteur? This games sucks.

In a surprising change of direction, Need for Speed went the driving sim route this time around, and I have to say, I like it better than the stupid ass street racing titles they been putting out. It's also one of the easiest driving sims you'll ever play. It's kinda like a My First Driving Sim kind of game with an emphasis on keeping it simple for the unwatched masses by providing assist to help with steering and whatnot. Take off the assist however, and you will find that this one hard mother fucking game. It's almost like the game is punishing you for not taking its help, and wants to make you pay by making you spin out as much as possible, which leads me to my first problem: controls. To me, driving sims CANNOT be played with a traditional controller. You can't really turn as smooth as you want to because the analog isn't made to. I found myself tapping the left stick over and over in order to make some of the turns without turning sharply, and that's annoying. If you have the cash, I say find a good wheel before playing any driving sim or else you will be fuckin annoyed. Shift has a system that determines your driving style. If you makes your turns cleanly, don't hit anybody when passing, or staying on the racing line, you're precision driving. If you hit people, spin your back out on turns, and draft, you're driving aggressively. Online, it's good to see what kind of drivers you're dealing with, but ultimately the system is fuckin useless. Even if you're a precision driver, you're gonna drive aggressively if you feel you're gonna lose, and if you're in the lead, how are you gonna drive aggressively? Besides, hitting people is usually a bad fuckin idea in a driving sim unless you want to see how flips your car can do before the ambulance shows up.

Shift feels like a game that wasn't finished. It only has 72 cars, which is pathetic compared to other sims. The career mode is extremely short and easy to finish. The customization is lacking compared to other Need for Speed titles (although I guess that should be expected), and there's no split screen mutliplayer. I know online gaming is some very revolutionary shit, but how can you leave split screen out? I'm tired of games doing that. I guess the lack of cars and shortness of the career mode is okay since this is made for those who don't normally play racing sims. Forza is the better choice, but Shift is still good.

Rating for Darksiders: Sweet

Rating for The Saboteur: Ass

Rating for Need for Speed Shift: Sweet

Rating for GTA: Episodes from Liberty City: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: Only a good ninja could have snuck that GTA rating in there.

BCFX: Doug Williams Edition (W)

..................this bitch blows.

I have never played a football game so bad before. I'm normally kinder to budget titles because they don't have many resources, and I really wanted to like it because it showcases great black college football programs, but there is absolutely no excuse for this much suck in one game. It's so bad, I won't even put the fuckin box art up. I'm not even gonna proofread this shit because I don't care. Seriously, how do you fuck up football this badly? And why did this have to happen to black colleges? It's racism I tell ya!

When I booted up the game, I noticed something weird. None of the teams have ratings on them. So wait, does that mean that every team is as good as the next? Were the developers too lazy to do research? Is there any.....oh who am I kidding. It's because they were too fuckin lazy. You know what, fuck it. It a budget title, and they may not have the money, so let's roll with it. So I picked Grambling and decided to face Southern, and when the game loaded, the arena was empty. Yea, they was a crowd watching, but it looks like someone attacked the screen with paintballs instead of looking like people. Again, it's a budget title, so let's give them a pass. The bands and teams started coming out onto the field, and it just looked so terrible graphically. I thought they used the Unreal engine; why does it look so much like shit? Maybe they would have saved money not uses that engine. Okay, we reached the point of no more excuse, so let's get to the make and break part; the football.

The first play I chose was a run play, and when I handed the ball off, I immediately got tackled. Okay, they broke through; good for them. The next play was a short pass play, and when I snapped the ball, I immediately got sacked. I'm thinking "what the hell" as my guy slowly gets up. The 3rd play I picked was a deep pass, and what do you know. The defense broke through and I had to run for it. After several games, I realized that the O-line in this game doesn't block for shit. They'll either stand real fuckin still or block the wrong guy, and god forbid if they blitz. You can't bring over another blocker because the game doesn't allow you to have a man in motion. What the fuck!? Anyway, back to the play. I made a run for it when I saw at the last minute someone wide open, and I mean REALLY wide open, as in he had time to do his taxes wide open. When I threw the ball though...incomplete. Did overthrow or underthrow it? No. Did a defender I didn't see deflect it? No. Did he drop the pass? Not even! THE STUPID MOTHER FUCKA DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO CATCH THE FUCKIN FOOTBALL!!!! He just let it hit him in the chest; didn't even bother to put his hands up! This was not a one time thing. It happened repeatedly in EVERY FUCKIN GAME I'VE PLAYED! Your receivers will not try to catch the ball, and any completions made will be out of pure fuckin luck, so there's no fuckin point in throwing the ball, but that's okay because running is so piss easy. Just run around in a circle and you'll break free. Hurdling helps too because somehow players can leap over 4 defenders at once if it fuckin wants to. Juking though is fuckin useless because you'll still get tackled.

As for defense...what defense? Players just fuckin stand around all damn day. When they do decide to play, it's the most awkward shit I have ever seen in my life. Tackles seem to happen without even touching the guy. The players will horse collar tackle without any penalties called. Once the D-lineman comes in contact with the O-lineman, there's no fuckin way to escape. It's like they're glued together. The 2 biggest crimes this game commits is how it handles fumbles and interceptions. When someone fumbles the ball, more often than not, NOBODY WILL FUCKIN MOVE TO THE BALL! With the exception of the guy who caused the fumble, everybody just fuckin looked at the ball. As for the INTs, it's fuckin random. We all complained about Madden and their bullshit (and still will), but at least we can explain what happened. The safety or cornerback suddenly moved faster or the linebacker jumped a little too high; something along those lines. In BCFX, it's unexplainable! The ball disappears, the camera pans around, and the defender starts running. What the fuck just happened!?

What about halftime? Well, played Guitar Hero? Alright then. Surprisingly, they fuck this up too. They throw so many fuckin notes at you, even on beginner difficulty, and it doesn't always register your button presses. How fast do they think people can move their fuckin thumbs. Watching the shows are boring as hell. The electrifying displays the HBCU is known for have been recreated......into ugly, and it's a damn shame.

..................this bitch blows.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: .............Ninjas......that is all.....

Bayonetta

Long ago, I said I was tired of seeing half naked women protagonists in my video games. It's not that I don't like boobs and ass; far from it. Whether real or digital, I can appreciate a good pair, and admittedly, I've done some stuff just to see said pair of digital boobs. So why complain? Well, as much as I like boobs and ass, I really hate cliches, and this is probably the oldest in any form of media. Take role playing games for example. Whose wearing the least amount of armor? The women, and yet we're suppose to believe that they're well covered despite the fact that her male counterpart is getting his ass handed to him while wearing nothing short of a Toyota car. Also, how am I suppose to take them seriously when dress like that? You mean to tell me that Miss Mary Cleavage over there is going to save the world, and do it while wearing a skin-tight bikini? Well that sounds like bullshit. Might as well let a stripper do your taxes. If you walked into a bank, and the woman behind the desk giving you banking advice was fully naked, would you take her advice or even listen to a word she say? Fuck no. And I just love the fact that these girls don't think twice about how inappropriate their wardrobe is for that occasion. I can keep going, but I'll save that for another post. After saying that, it's safe to assume I have a problem with Bayonetta, right? Well....no. I couldn't care less. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I fuckin love it, and don't know why. Maybe it's because she's British. Maybe because the premise behind her clothing is so wacky and out there, you have to like it to some extent. Maybe it's because unlike most under-dressed women who are expected to be taken seriously, Bayonetta doesn't give a fuck. She knows she's putting on a show, and she'll continue to do so. Or maybe, just maybe, she stars in one of the most kick ass games you can buy for your Xbox. No matter how she's dressed, Bayonetta is fuckin awesome, and can kick the ass of most action game characters, including Dante and his pussy counterpart Nero. She's automatically in my top 5 most badass people. (Master Chief, Wolverine, Ryu Hayabusa, Bayonetta, and Marcus Fenix).



I would just like to say that its time to stop with the God of War comparisons. I can see how people who don't play many games can make that judgment, but why are gameheads doing it? And it's not just Bayonetta. Almost every action game with blood in to gets compared it Kratos whether its warranted or not. Take a good look at Bayonetta and God of War. Both games couldn't be farther apart except for maybe a genre change. God of War is a great game, but not every game is trying to be like it, and that goes double for Darksiders (review coming soon). I heard people call it God of War mixed with Zelda, and although I see the Zelda comparisons, there is no God of War to be found as of yet (although the videos can trick you in believing otherwise). As for Bayonetta, I consider this game as the close cousin to Devil May Cry more than anything else, which is safe to say because the game director for Bayonetta worked on DMC4.

Another cliche I hate but will give a pass to Bayonetta is the amnesia angle. In the beginning, she wakes up after 200 years not knowing a damn thing....except she's a witch who can do kick ass shit, and she works for the legions of Inferno (this games version of Hell), which is why she kills angels. So, while kicking as much ass as possible, Bayonetta (along with the player) is discovering who she is and what happened to her. This cliche get a pass for 2 reasons. The first reason is that it doesn't seem like a cop out. A lot of writers use the amnesia angle simply because it's easy, but this game uses that for plot AND character development instead of just what the person did before losing their memory. The second reason is that after a while, you'll forget she even has amnesia. The game doesn't beat you over the head with the fact, and when it does remind you, it only makes you more curious, and then makes you want to play more to see why this person or thing is so important or why this person is such a dick and so on. It's almost as if the game itself doesn't really care. They tell you in the beginning she has amnesia, and then the plot device goes somewhere to take a nap, only to wake up periodically because it remembered it has a job to do. Then again, my account of this could be inaccurate because as I was playing, my attention focus less on Bayonetta and more on the world around her. Platinum games did a great job at crafting a universe around her and I found myself lost in the backstory between the Lumen sages and the Umbra witches. I would say more about the story, but this is something you need to experience for yourself, not to mention the fact that it gets real fuckin confusing if the story is told to you second handed.



Despite the story, what we're really here for is the combat, and this is where Bayonetta automatically jumps to top contender for Game of the Year for 2010 (yea, I'm predicting it already). Did you like Devil May Cry? This game shits all over that. The combos are elaborate as all hell, but you better know what you're doing, or else you'll get bitch-slapped repeatedly. This game tricked me in the beginning into thinking I can just go in and button mash as long as I can dodge the incoming attacks, and technically you can, but when surrounded by tough enemies, it's best to know the quickest way to kill them. Besides, you can't dodge everything (you can sure as hell try). But what makes this game so crazy isn't the combos or dodge system or increasingly difficult angels you have to kill; it's how she fights. How many people do you know can shoot guns with their feet? That's right; her FUCKIN FEET! She has a gun on each foot, and by default, that's 4 guns she's packing. If that wasn't enough, all her magical attacks (most which comes at the end of her combos) uses her hair. Crazy, but apparently not crazy enough. To completely throw this over the edge of sanity, her clothes are made up of her hair, so when she uses her magic, it leeches off of her clothing making her body more exposed. She's practically naked when she summons giant demon animals to kill the bosses, and I appreciate that. Nothing makes sense, but you won't care because it's so awesome. When you unlock new weapons, then things really open up. Now you're equip with more than just guns. There are swords, whips, claws, and even shotguns, and yes, you can equip the shotguns onto your feet (and it is awesome). Each weapon handles different, but still uses the same set of combos so you don't have to learn a new set of moves. Really, the only complaint I have about this game (besides the camera, which is common in almost every action game) this that there's no block button. You have the dodge, and it works really well (and if you do it right, you'll slow down time), but when shit hits the fan, I'd feel more comfortable blocking than dodging.

Go Japan!

There is no reason why not to get this game.

[Neil]: What if they're under 18?

Correction, there's one reason not to get this game.

[Neil]: What if the person is a woman who finds the portrayal of the main character offensive?

.....Then there's 2 reason why you shouldn't buy this game.

[Neil]: What if they don't like violence?

OKAY! Fine! 3 reasons. Other than that, you should really get this game. This is one of the best action games for Xbox360 and one of the few instances where it's worth the 60 bucks you spent. It's crazy, imaginative, sexy, and just downright fun. I mean, what's there to hate about it?

[Neil]: What about the depiction of religious entities as it's portrayed......

NEIL, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: I'm not saying strippers aren't smart enough to do your taxes. I'm just saying they shouldn't be your first choice. Ninjas on the other hand.....

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves?

Welcome back. I hope you all had a great new year's day because I certainly didn't. We had a typical New England winter storm which fucked with the roads and made all my friend coward in fear, and because of that, the best I could do was a sports bar that closes at 12 fuckin 30. Well, fuck it. There's no use in dwelling in the past. That was 2009, and this is 2010. Yea! A new beginning, and what better way to start than to do a PS3 game.  This review would have came sooner, but I wanted to play the first Uncharted. Sadly, nobody's Uncharted works because of a firmware update, and Sony has yet to fix the problem, so fuck it. I'm gonna have to do this with no prior knowledge whatsoever. The reason I'm reviewing this game in the first place is because I've heard so much good stuff about it, I had to see for myself because there was no way it could be that good. Well....I was kinda right. Let me just say that this game is pretty sweet. If you own a PS3, this game is a good buy, and it's online mode will keep you busy for a while. You probably heard all the good shit, so with that said, I will do what nobody else will do...BASH THE HOLY HELL OUT OF THIS GAME!



The first problem I have is Nathan Drake himself simply because he's suppose to be the "ordinary" guy. Bull fuckin shit to that, and Sony's marketing department must think we're fuckin retarded if they thought we would buy into that shit. Then again, the PSPGo is on the market, so I guess that confirms they do think that way. What ordinary man do you know looks that stereotypically good looking? More importantly, what ordinary man do you know takes on armed mercenaries....AND WINS!? The man's about as ordinary as Jean-Claude Van Dam on steroids, and upon retrospect that's not a bad idea for a game. Drake is super athletic, super handy with a gun, and super smart when it comes to fuckin lost civilizations. Ordinary he ain't. To Uncharted 2's credit, that was never really pointed out anywhere. That was Uncharted 1's fault for putting it on the box, but still...

Anyway, Nathan Drake just rubs me the wrong way. Part of the reason may be because he's so fuckin greedy and stupid! In the end, he saves the world (theoretically), but that's wasn't the original end-goal. All he wanted was the money, and after getting beat by the enemy...REPEATEDLY...he keeps coming back for more. Seriously, how many times can one person be cornered and forced to drop his weapon before he gets the fuckin point!? Count your losses and GO...THE FUCK...HOME! You vs a small army is usually a good indicator that what you're about to do isn't necessarily a good idea. If he was a hero, I could understand, but he's not, at least not until the end. Besides, the bad guy is an International criminal. I'm sure there are a lot of government officials who would like to know his fuckin whereabouts, and they probably would reward you handsomely for it (except Mexico). Drake is also too much of a smartass. Now, being a smartass isn't necessarily a bad thing (I'm one myself), but if you're not good at it, it becomes unbearable. Saying 'Oh great...' every time the enemy shows up is not witty my friend, and being witty is essential to being a smartass. Mr. Drake, you lack wit.



Gameplay has it's own share of annoyances, and the cover system seems like a good place to start. The game has that real sticky kind of cover where it takes fuckin forever to get unstuck. Like most games with a cover system, there's always that awkward period when you finally get unstuck that your player stands up, and then gets hit by a million bullets before finally moving. It's a real quick moment (half a second, maybe less), but fuckin annoying when you have maybe one hit point. Of course there's no way of knowing that because (by law apparently) all shooters have to have no health bar and regenerative health. I'm pretty sure that's not ordinary either! You can swiftly move from cover to cover like in Gears of Wars 2, but that's only in theory apparently. Whenever I tried, instead of Drake moving from pillar to pillar, he moved from one side of the pillar to another side OF THE SAME FUCKIN PILLAR, exposing me to lots of unhealthy gun fire. Thank you Naughty Dog for a completely useless application. Sometimes, it feels like guns don't pack enough punch. Maybe it was particular guns I was using, but either way, it shouldn't take a whole clip to take down an enemy...except for the juggernaut. I know they have armor, but c'mon. Uncharted also features a stealth element, and I like it basically because it's only an option...at least after you complete this asinine stealth mission, which sucks balls. You can't been seen or you'll fail, but you will be seen because you're just getting used to the fuckin controls! And why is this mandatory when stealth in the rest of the game is optional? I guess you want to train the player, but if he's not gonna use it, then what's the point? And why suck a long stage for it anyway? The graphics are downright awesome, and probably the best graphics ever on a console. That means you can't tell what's background wallpaper and what's something you can actually fuckin climb on. You won't know what you can climb on until you try and eventually fail because the rocks and shit on the wallpaper look exactly like the rocks and shit you can climb on. So, you'll spend a lot of time jumping up and dry humping invisible walls until you finally figure out where the fuck you were suppose to go. Shit, I don't remember having this problem with Prince of Persia or Tomb Raider. Then when you spend too much time fuckin around, the game tells you to press up on the d-pad to show you the way. Why couldn't I have this option earlier? You don't want to make it standard because players will abuse it (like Batman's detective mode) but I shouldn't have to wait 10 butt humping minutes for the game to help me either. I shouldn't even fuckin need it! Every once in a while, you'll run into a puzzle you have to solve, and that would be fun if the answer wasn't fuckin boldface told to me. Open up Nate's little book, and there you go. Yea, you can always not look at the book, but the little prompt that pops up almost always makes you anyway because subconsciously you're trained to press buttons that are prompted up on the screen. See why I hate quick time events? Thankfully, this game doesn't have any.



So, no. This is not a Game of the Year candidate in my book. It does nothing spectacular and feels too much like a Hollywood B movie, which obviously was the developers' goal. Everything you see was design to make this as cinematic as possible like a summer blockbuster you waste 8 dollars to go see in theaters (not counting the cost of popcorn). It looks cool, but doesn't provide much of a story. I never did follow the story, but that's mainly because I couldn't figure out why I should care. Maybe the first game would have help, but I don't that since it's been already established in my head the Drake is an idiotic douche, and therefore everybody is too by default, except Chloe who wanted to go home like a smart human being. But you know what? The game kept my interested till the end, it had a bunch of cool stuff you can do as seen in the videos above, and multiplayer was fun. If you have a PS3, get it. For those of you confused, the purpose here was to tell you why it's not game of the year material, not to scare you away from buying it.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: I seriously don't see what the big fuzz is about. Tell me!