Birthday Wishlist

IT"S MY BIRTHDAY! Like every other year, I plan on asking for a bunch of shit I probably will never get (new car, paid off student loans, sex with my girlfriend, etc), but it doesn't hurt to ask. This time around, I'm aiming my wishlist towards the game developers. I take a list of my favorite games, and I say what I want to be added, deleted, or changed. See if you agree.

GHOSTBUSTERS:

Let me drive the fuckin Ecto-1
Give me partners that don't need reviving every 5 minutes
Stop making me do all the work

UFC 2009: UNDISPUTED:

Limit the Flash KOs
Give people who disconnect the loss. Don't make the match invalid.


GEARS OF WAR 2:
If it takes a thousand bullets to kill someone online, why even bother with a cover system?


SONIC THE HEDGEHOG:

How about a script that doesn't sound like it was written by Sesame Street

Stop with the fuckin game-changing gimmicks
Stop letting Sonic Team develop your games
Stop telling us you have the core fanbase in mind when you clearly don't
Kill half of the cast (We need Sonic, a less pussy version of Tails, and Knuckles)
Concentrate on running AND RUNNING ALONE!
Stop trying to be like Mario
Could you please cover Rogue's cleavage (or better yet, KILL HER)
No more beastiality (that was creepy in the first 360 game)
Get new voice actors
Get music that's actually good
Stop with the cliche stages (how many times must Sonic go into space? Really?)
STOP CALLING HIM EGGMAN!
Maybe keep Shadow (MAAAAYBE)
Get rid of the Lives systems (we don't need them anymore)
Are checkpoints really necessary for stages that take 2 minutes to beat?
Stop being outdone by the handheld versions
In fact, be more like the handheld versions
Stop ending the game with Supersonic (it's old, predictable, and a DBZ ripoff)
Bring back special stages
Stop with the fuckin useless Hub worlds
No more game lengthening ploys (make a 2 - 3 hour budget title instead)
If you can't do any of that, KILL THE FRANCHISE
And stop giving me reasons to makes a long ass list of complaints


SKATE 2:

Make vert ramp skating easier
Improve the camera angle
Let us build our own parks (not just our own spots)



WWE LEGENDS OF WRESTLEMANIA:
Fix the fuckin control scheme
Focus on the greatest matches of Wrestlemania
Don't just stop at 15; Relive all the Wrestlemainas
Add Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker from WM25 (best match ever)
For the long of god, fix the create an entrance mode


GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 / SAINTS ROW 2:
The formula is getting old. Do something different


STREET FIGHTER 4:
Punish spammers in some way



GUITAR HERO:
Stop milking your franchise!


RED FACTION: GUERRILLA:
Give me more buildings to blow up
Make shooting actually fun
Rockets need to do more damage
Mars sucks!


PROTOTYPE:
Make side missions that are worth a damn
Calm down with all the enemies (it can get too much)
I wanna fly, not glide (and I don't mean with a helicopter)
I can't kill innocent people and be a hero. That's a big ass contradiction
Hunters are fuckin annoying early on. Change that
Isn't a disguise compromised if I jump from a building?
Actually, ignore the question above (the game's hard enough as is)


X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE:
There's too much backtracking; it's like they forgot it's not God of War
Stop jumping back and forth between past and present


BIONIC COMMANDO:
You know I'm gonna complain about the story, right?
You swing at the same speed no matter what. Make swinging better
Make shooting better
And give me more ammo!
Get rid of radiation zones
Don't ever hire Steve Blum again


SPIDER-MAN: WEB OF SHADOWS:
Don't make Peter Parker sound like a bitch again
Make a more interesting story
Fix the framerate
Let me swing around the city when I'm done with the game
This may sound dumb, but how about a new city?
Let Spider-Man go to Tokyo or something to chase down a villian
Who the fuck is Moon Knight!?
No more Marvel trivia
Add Deadpool (not the Wolverine movie version). He's funny


MADDEN NFL:
Stop defenders from developing superpowers to intercept the ball


CALL OF DUTY / MODERN WARFARE:
(FYI: Call of Duty and Modern Warfare are now 2 different franchises)
Stop infinitely spawning enemies when I don't advance
Stop spawning me in the middle of airstrikes
[Update: They decided to put Call of Duty back into the Modern Warfare 2 title]


HALO:
Explain who the fuck the Forerunners are
Make a better story
Add boss fights
Add a RedvsBlue side story (that would be awesome)


ROCK BAND:
Stop letting Guitar Hero kick your ass



WWE SMACKDOWN VS RAW:
Make the controls less complicated
It's time to do something drastically different (you guys are due)
Have downloadable characters that are worth a damn
Be able to import guys from Legends to this game (like they did for SVR)


NBA 2K:
Fix the damn glitches
Make disconnects count as losses
Stop making all big men scorers in the paint (you've gotten better at that)
Give me cheat codes in order to stop Kobe
No more 4th quarter rubber banding (everybody is suddenly clutch)


XBOXLIVE ARCADE:

Make me care you still exist



DRAGONBALL Z BURST LIMIT:
Add more people
Get rid of the drama pieces (they break flow)


MORTAL KOMBAT VS DC UNIVERSE:
Let's not make this game again
It's not bad, but still, don't ever do it again


FABLE 2:
Give me good side shit to do
If my guy is gonna have a wife, at least let's watch them fuck
My kid sucks; Let me kill him




Mass Effect:
More action, less talking
More alien lesbian scenes
Stop glitching


JAPANESE RPGs:
Stop existing



TOM CLANCY'S HAWX:
More online modes
More variety in missions
Make a more believable story



HALO WARS:
More interesting story please


And there you have it: my long ass list of what I wanna see done. If you disagree, well......fuck it.


NOTE: Maybe I should leave Sonic alone now. I know the font size on Ghostbusters and UFC is wrong. I can't fix it. It's a fuckin struggle to do remedial shit on this blog system.

Ghostbusters

You know, I have completely checked out, people. Normally, this is where I make a joke about the Ghostbusters franchise, the large packs on their back, the ugly ass outfits, or how their car siren sounds like a horn farting, but really, I'm not feeling it. First of all, any joke I can make will be way too easy. Second, not every post I do has to try to be funny. So, instead of having some long ass intro paragraph with jokes that probably don't make sense, I'm just gonna start the review.

Didn't I just eat you for desert not too long ago?

All right people, Let's make this quick. You play the new, voiceless, nameless member of the ghostbuster. Your job as the cadet is to test all the new equipment...in case something goes wrong. You also has to catch ghosts, which you already knew from the job description (aka the first 2 movies). The story is written by the same people who wrote the movies, and the writing (admittedly a little too geeky) is so good, it can very well qualify as Ghostbusters 3. With good writing, you need to have good voice acting. Ghostbusters automatically scores points by having the cast back to do the voices, and they are still funny. They ALMOST do an excellent job. I say ALMOST because I have a few issues with Bill Murray. Half the time, his fuckin whispering, and I have to turn up the volume just to hear him. He's not bad, but it just sounds like they're not paying him enough to act well (and don't send me e-mails about how he can't act well).

Remember her?

The post label says shooter, but honestly, I don't know how to classify it. It operates like a shooter, but I don't think you can necessarily call it that. Anyway, if you played third person shooters before (and you have because I told you twice to get Gears of Wars 2), you should be familiar with the controls here, and they work well. Being the test dummy, you are the first to get all of the add-ons to your ion pack. You know, the big heavy shit on your back. You get photon darts that acts like rockets I guess, a stasis beam that's like a freeze ray, some blue shit that acts like a shotgun, green slime to kill some enemies (and slime your partners, which they hate), and so forth. You press the RB to manually vent your pack, which kinda works like reloading. Yea, let's call this a shooter. The action can get intense, leading to some fun moments, but the make or break part to any GB game is capturing ghosts. Once you weaken a ghost, it will be caught in your capture beam. At that point, you throw out your trap (if your parnter hasn't already done so), and try to get the bastard in there. It kinda works like a fishing game. They will constantly struggle to get free, and you're tugging them as hard as you can towards the light coming out the trap. Once they're in the light, you're still in a struggle to keep them from escaping the light so the trap can do its thing. Its actually more fun than I can make it sound, and probably the best part of the game, and it damn well should be. To make things more awesome, you'll go up against previous ghosts that the GB have already beaten. See the 2 pictures above. That's the Grey Lady from the library in the first movie. I think we all know who Stay Puft is, and get this: he's the second official boss you will face (I say 'official' because the first boss was so piss easy, I don't count him as a boss). He shows up so early, and the fight is so epic, you can't help but to get excited about the rest of the game. Online is also sweet, but it's not as competitive as I thought it would be. A lot of the game modes have you teaming up with others to beat ghost, but no game modes where you can blow each other up. It's still all good, though.

......Creepy!

Now That I'm done talking about sunshine and roses, it's time to talk shit. First on my list of complaints is the PKE googles and detector....thingie. See the picture above? When you need to find a ghost or just need to figure out where to go, whip out this shit. You can also find collectibles and scan ghost. My problem is these segments (when I'm pretty much forced to wear them) is that they're boring. Sometimes, a ghost will try to fuck with you when you're wearing them (like move furniture or pop out of nowhere), but for the most part I feel like taking a nap when it's time to use them. Second on my list is the Ghostbusters themselves. You know, the guys you work for. Why the fuck, as the new guy, am I better than them? Why the fuck, as the new guy, am I doing all the work? Why the fuck, as the new guy, do I have to revive them every 5 seconds? When you get knocked down, someone will come to help you. You must also return the favor. If nobody is around to revive you, it's game over. Prepare to see that a lot because your team is filled with idiots who don't know how to avoid danger. Also, why the fuck do we always have to separate for some arbitrary reasons? Wouldn't it be more efficient if we all went in, and kicked some ass (instead of just ME!)? Number 3 on the shit list: why can't I drive the Ecto - 1? I've always wanted to since I was a kid. Number 4: WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DRIVE THE ECTO -1!?

TIMBEEEEEEEEEER!

If you're a Ghostbusters fan, you've already bought this game and are singing the theme song as we speak. For the rest of you, it all depends on how much you like it. That seems to be the game's biggest pitfalls. You have to actually like the movies to like this game. You also have to be familiar with third person shooters, but most xbox owner are, so that shouldn't be an issue. It's a good game all around, and I recommend it highly.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: Yes, I have a PSP now. No, I will not start a PSP blog, so shove it. He knows who I'm talking to.

Bionic Commando Storyline - MAJOR SPOILER!

They asked me to write it, so here it is. Prepare to hear the retardation that is the Bionic Commando storyline.

Long ago, bionics (people with bionic parts) fought to protect the people, and life was good. After a while, the public began to distrust the bionics, considering them dangerous. When one bionic went rogue, Nathan Spencer was ordered to kill him or her. When he wouldn't comply, that bionic killed several people. Spencer was tried for treason and sentenced to death. Meanwhile, the people wanted action against the bionics, so the government mandated that all bionics must give up their metal parts. Some complied, but other felt it was unfair and discriminatory (not to mention messing with their livelihood since the bionic parts were used to replace missing body parts. One girl had no legs.) and therefore ran away. They formed the group BioReign, an organization fighting for the rights of bionics. Here's where things get fuckin stupid. In order to send a message, they bombed Ascension City, therefore proving the point that bionics are fuckin dangerous......OI. Anyway, after the bombing, they take up restate in the ruined city. Being the only man for the job apparently, Spencer is freed from jail, given his arm back, and sent to deal with the problem. It's either him, or nuke the city again. The general wanted to nuke the bastards (good man), but Super Joe continually talked him out of it. Spencer didn't want to go on this mission, being pissed and all about his incarceration, but Super Joe had info on his wife. So, Spencer is doing all of this just to find out what really happened to his wife 12 years ago when he got his arm.

Then the story disappears for a while.

Turns out BioReign nuked the city in order to find some kind of spark...thingie (I can't remember what it was), so Spencer was sent to get it before the bio freaks did. When he gave what we will call the allspark to Super Joe, it turned out that Joe was working with BioReign, and they don't give 2 shits about bionics and their rights. They think of bionics as weapons. Nice, so all this time Super Joe was a dick.

Now here's the twist ending that has everybody pissed off

After killing some dude and tracking Joe down, it's finally revealed what happened to his wife. Joe explains that for the bionic parts to work, there has to be a certain bond. He said some other shit, but who cares. Everything he says is basically summarized in his last sentence, and I quote "You've been using her all along." In other words, Spencer's wife is his arm.

....WHAT...THE...FUUUUUCK!!!?!?

WHO THE FUCK TOLD THE WRITERS THAT WAS A GOOD FUCKIN IDEA!? THAT IS THE MOST RETARDED SHIT EVER TO HAVE EVER ENTERED MY XBOX, DISPLAYED ON MY HDTV, AND PROJECTED INTO MY EYES FOR VISUAL RECEPTION! Oh, and by the way Capcom, a human being a metal arm for another human...ummm...DOESN'T MAKE FUCKIN SENSE! UUUURG!

Seriously, my IQ dropped several points after that. That ending was worst than the game X-Blades. Shit, if this what passes as video game writing, I can find a job. Actually, that's not a bad job. Let me get my resume.


NOTE: So when he masterbates, he's really fuckin his wife. HA!

Godfather 2 Quickie

The reason I won't write much about it is because I don't want to spend much time writing it. It's a GTA clone right up the ass, so you know how it plays. The missions are boring as hell with very little variety. Go here, shoot this, extort that, and hire someone for your crew. Lather, rinse, repeat. The shooting is boring, the driving sucks, the 3 cities are ridiculously fuckin small, and the characters you ride with when you work with your crew spew the same 4 fuckin lines over and over again to the point where I tell them to go the fuck home or kill them (by accident of course...wink). The only interesting part about this game is Don's View. Don's View is a map of whatever town you're in, and it displays what property you own and what the rival families own. You can use this map to send men to defend your businesses, takeover other businesses, or blow something up. It turns a very shitty action sandbox game into a interesting strategy game, but eventually this will get old (and get old fast) and you will has to deal with shit all over again. Some may think what I said is way to harsh, but fuck them. With all the time they had to make this, they should have done better. If they have stopped redoing the first game for multiple systems, maybe this would have actually been good. Hall of shame worthy indeed.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: June has been a very quiet month for me, hasn't it?

Prototype

Judging from the box art alone, the game looks like it's gonna be badass. When you hear all the press about it and read up on what the gameplay is gonna be like, you would think the game will be badass. Then you get the game, and it turns out it's not as badass as you thought it would be. Don't get me wrong: Prototype is still a good game, but all the press made it seem like it will change the face of sandbox games forever. Instead, it just made improvements on what's already been done. It does do some things different, but not enough to back up a lot of the claims that were made about the game. There are even some elements, just like in Red Faction Guerrilla, that will drive you mad. Prototype is a good example of 'Don't believe the hype'. PENIS! Sorry for that outburst, but I realized my paragraph was too serious.

That's how he eats. I hate to see how he drinks

You play Alex Mercer (not to be confused with Alec Mason from Red Faction...see what I did there?), a man with no memory and inexplicable powers. Now Alex must find out who he is and try to put the pieces of his life back together. Great...another guy who lost his memory. That hasn't been done 700,000 times before. Seriously, can we please stop with the amnesiac angle because it's getting old watching the protagonist trying to remember. At least do something different with it, like every time he remembers something, it adds to his cancer or something. Nobody take that idea; that's mine. HEY YOU! OVER THERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PEN AND PAD!? GROCERY LIST MY ASS! GET OVER HERE........(*sounds of a struggle*)........(*sound of glass breaking*).......(*guy screaming in pain*)......sigh.* Now that that's over with, I should probably mention that New York is also infected with some virus that turns people into freaks. They're nowhere near as awesome as Mercer, but still dangerous. He doesn't necessarily have to (and I wish he wouldn't) but Mercer decides to try to save New York while getting revenge on the people who made him the way he....HEY!.......(*sounds of a struggle*)........(*bludgeoning sounds*)....DIE BITCH!.....(*slamming sounds*).........(*heavy breathing*) God damn, that guy wouldn't stay down. He's like the giant chicken from Family Guy. (*heavy breathing*) I'm seriously out of breath here, people.

Things got off to a great start when the opening cinematic started fucking lagging and the audio couldn't keep up or got ahead of the video. Well, things seem to be going well so far. Once I started playing, though, I quickly forgot about it and enjoyed my time being a badass. As I was playing the game and having fun killing random....everything, I couldn't help feeling like I've done this before. Then it hit me: This seems ahellava lot like the Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction. Sure you're not green, throwing tanks 700 yards, or using wrecking balls like yo-yos, but this game definitely takes from the Hulk game. Both games are sandbox games. Both have a shitload of upgrades you can make. Both have heroes who don't like the military. Shit, replace Mercer with the Hulk and you can call this The Incredible Hulk: Total Destruction. When I decided to look at what games the developer has made over the years, it didn't surprise me one bit when I saw the Hulk game on that list. Well, Hulk was a badass game, so if you're gonna mimic one of your previous games, it might as well be that game. I would point out other similarities, but I don't want to bore you with my nerdy little tangents.

...I didn't do it

To understand Alex Mercer, you must understand his body (sounds like a sex ed video). Besides the normal superhero stuff (strength, speed, agility, etc.) his body can shape shift. This allows him to transform his body into a weapon of badass destruction, especially when you upgrade to the more powerful stuff. I would tell you, but that would just ruin the surprise (plus I'm too lazy to). The most important feature of Alex is his ability to consume. When you grab a character (could be anyone on the screen) you can absorb them into your body. This acts as your healthpack of sorts. Some of the executions he performs before the consumption are just downright awesome. Just now, I kneed a woman in the face, causing her head to explode. While equipped with one of my weapons, I elbow dropped a dude, splitting him in half. Some people hold valuable information, and upon consumption, you know what they know. Sometimes you will acquire skills needed to operate a military vehicle. Sometimes its important information about what's going on with the infection. These people with info will add to what is called the web of intrigue. Each person added to the web gets you closer to completely understanding what is going on. There's a red icon over a person's head that let's you know that they add to the web of intrigue. It's not necessary, but you can't resist absorbing these people when they pop up on your mini-map. They're like achievements points. After learning what I need to know, I did a few missions, did a couple of side shit, and went on a killing rampage decapitating anyone who looked at me with 2 eyes. Everything started out nice, but around the halfway point, things started going up shits creak.

Reach out and touch someone

The missions are design to be as action packed as possible. The problem is you'll barely make it out alive in most of the missions past the halfway point. It's not that "Oh, this is challenging. I need a new strategy" kind of hard. It's that "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" kind of hard. Just like in Red Faction, you will be overwhelmed by enemies (or sometimes just one enemy) with no way of reaching any food supply for health. The military gets easy to deal with after a while (just keep stealing tanks and copters), but the more powerful infected creatures are a bitch. In one mission, I had to protect a machine from wave after wave of big mother fuckers while giant tentacles threw shit at me. BULL...FUCKIN...SHIT! Then they wanted me to infiltrate a base filled with machines that can detect me even when I'm disguised (oh, I forgot to mention that when you consume someone, you can use their body as a disguise. Great for sneaking into bases or hiding from pursuers). Once I'm detected, the whole fuckin army collapsed on me. Fuckin A, can I get a break here? Wanna hear something really fucked up? It took me 2 days to reach the final boss. It took me 2 days to finally BEAT the final boss. What...the...fuck. Speaking of bosses, I hate it when games throw minions at you during a boss fight. It seems so pointless unless they're there for health. In one boss fight, the boss sent the most powerful mother fuckas it could find. I said to myself "This is it. This is my own personal hell" as I died over and over and over and over again. A lot of these missions made me throw my controller down and turn off my system. If I wasn't reviewing this, I would have quit a long time ago because I don't play games to raise my blood pressure, dammit. The only saving grace for these bullshitty missions is the fact that the developers were very generous with the checkpoints. I'm better than the average person, so I can only imagine what they're going through. Maybe I'll put up tips like I did for Wolverine. OH, and half of the side missions suck, so don't bother unless you need the XP, or you found one you like.

Lovely nails

Once you look past the insane missions and sometimes laggy cimematics, Prototype is a good game. In fact, I've been playing it while doing this review. I needed to; I'm typing this at 4 in the morning, and I need something to keep me up. Video games are great waker upers. If a video game can hold your attention, you're not going to sleep no matter how tired you are. Anyway, Prototype is worth a look, and if you know someone with the game, bum it off them. This could have been better with more time for the developers to polish it, but as it is it's still a...OH GOD DAMMIT.......(*sounds of a struggle*).......WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?........(*sounds of a struggle*).....(*banging sounds*).....PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN!.......(*struggling sounds*).......

Rating: ...Sweet....OW MY FOOT!.....(*banging sounds*).....

NOTE: ...........(*punching noices*).........AH FUCK.......(*struggling sounds*)..........MY GUN!.........(*click click)......NOW WHAT BITCH!?........(*gunshots*)........(*breathing heavily*).....son of a bitch ain't coming back from that. Damn; he made me miss my NOTE portion.

Red Faction: Guerrilla

Well, Halo Wars and Hawx were fun, but it's time to go back to the realm of actions games. Of course, I didn't necessarily want to come back to action games this way (as I told some of you through e-mail), but I kept hearing how good it is, how original it is, and how different it is. I figured I wouldn't like it because I played the demo, and the demo failed to impressed me. Once I got the game however, I realized I had no idea what I was doing in the demo, and that clouded my judgment. After learning how to do things in the game, I quickly discovered that this is more fun than the demo let on. Despite this, there are plenty of moments where Red Faction took my enthusiasm and flushed it down the toilet, only to clog up my pipes and required me to call a plumber.

That car looks like shit

You play Alec Mason (not to be confused with Alex Mercer from Prototype...like I was) as he moves to the shittiest planet in the solar system: Mars. After meeting his brother and learning the fine art of swinging a sledgehammer that is for some reason strong enough to take out a wall and support beams in one swing, he learns that brother Mason is a part of the Red Faction: a group of guerrillas (as you probably figured out from the fuckin title) trying to chase out the oppressive EDF Force controlling Mars. After breaking shit, brother Mason gets shot down, and now the EDF assumes you are part of the Red Faction, so you pretty much have no choice but to BE a part of the Red Faction. After that stuff happens in the beginning of the game, the story dissappears. Apparently, the developers felt that after a certain point, a very involved story would get in the way, and frankly, I agree with them. Shut the fuck up, and let me blow shit up.

As you might have guessed by now, Red Faction is all about blowing shit up, tearing shit down, and breaking shit apart, and it's that element that makes this game. Almost everything you see can be destroyed, and how you destroy it depends on you. You can use remote charges to take out support beams to bring a building down. You can fire rockets at buildings, punching holes in the side. You can ram vehicles into buildings and (if it's strong enough) drive out through the other side. If all else fails (and it damn well shouldn't), you can always use your sledgehammer. Not only is property damage fun to do, it's also realistic. When you damage something, it ALMOST always reacts like it's suppose to. Because objects crumble like in real life, it makes you want to destroy more, just to see it come down. It's also fun to strip a building down to just a few support beams to see it stay up for a while, and then crumble under its own weight. Awesome.

Boom Boom Booooom (Gotta get that)

The reason I said "ALMOST always reacts like it's suppose to" is because sometimes buildings do some funny stuff. One time, I took out the entire first floor of a building, and it was still standing. The only thing that was holding it up was a little ass ladder? Really? There must have some awesome ladders in Mars. Also, explosion don't do as much damage as you think they would. I shot 4 rockets into a building, and (all things considering) the building was fine. Things will probably get uncomfortable when it rains (if it rains), but still, not too much damage. There's also not that much to destroy, at least to me. Now, I completely understand the limitations of today's technology, and what I'm about to complain about is really unreasonable, but Mars seems so empty. Geez, it seems like someone just plopped a few buildings here or there on a barren wasteland and called it a game world. There's no real metropolis area where you can just go nuts. There is the residential area, Eos, but that place is so heavily guarded you'll be dead before you finish booming your second building. Once the initial 'WHOA' factor wears off, you'll eventually get bored of the boom boom boom (gotta get that) and just try to get through the game as soon as possible.

Correction: THIS car looks like shit

By far the worst aspect of the game is the shooting. I don't care what the main focus is, it's a third person shooter first and foremost, and Volition fuck it up. The funny thing is that it's not the actually shooting mechanics that's the problem. Whenever you destroy an important building (which you should be doing all the time), the EDF will respond. Their numbers will range from 15 soldiers to....maybe...57,000. That all sounds fun, but then you find out that Mason isn't made to fight that large of a number. This leads to unnecessary frustration and controller chucking as you die from being overwhelmed numerous times. The game says you need to use hit and run tactics, but there are plenty of missions where you have to stay in the fuckin area or you fail. In that case, shouldn't I be able to fuckin defend myself against this insanely large horde of soldier who are pissed off at me because I just destroyed their favorite Starbucks? I find myself hoppong in and out of vehicles just to stay alive, and that's not fun. Did I mention they too have vehicles, some of which can fly? I could have put the game on easy and called it a day, but somehow I would feel like less of a man if I did.

BLOW ME!

If they had made the gunplay fun, I would have heartly recommended Red Faction, but as it is, it's just generic. The missions lack variety, destroying shit will get old, and shooting sucks balls. Therefore this game is going right back to Gamestop. I don't see where all this high praise for it came from. Maybe they were all just so fasinated with the level of destruction. I bet after a few weeks of playing, most of them will feel like I feel. At first, any game can seem like 'the shit' (except X-Blades, oh God no!), but give it time to marinate, and you see the game for what it really is. If you still like it, then good for you; it was money well spent. If not, well then...I FUCKIN CALLED IT!

Rating: Meh

NOTE: Notice how I totally neglected online play. My credibility just went down a few notches.

Tom Clancy's HAWX

Times are slippin, into the fuutuuuure
Times are slippin slippin slippin, into the fuutuuuure oooooh
So I wanna flyyyy like an eagle, to the sea
Fly like an eagle when the spirit carry me
I wanna flyyyyyyyy
Fly, fly, into the fuuutuuuure

[Neil] DUDE!

Sorry, onto the review

Flight simulation is another genre I'm not a regular with, but I know a lot more about it than I do about Real Time Strategies, so at least I knew enough to get me started. With that said, if Hawx is a flight simulator, then Grand Theft Auto 4 is a wholesome fun little rump for the entire family to enjoy. Don't take that as a bad thing though because the fact that it's not as complicated as most flight simulators is why Hawx is something you should check out. Like Halo Wars, this game is a good place to start if you're interested in the genre.

Where there's smoke.....

I like to bring up my biggest complaint about modern day (or in this case, near future) flight sims: the sense of speed. Normally, by the time you see a jet, it's way over on the other side, but the games never have that sense of going really really fast through the air. I guess when you're actually in a jet, things seem slower, but when I'm flying past a building, I want it to whiz past me so fast that I barely noticed it was there. It's not that fun whizzing between buildings when you can clearly avoid them because you're going so slow. I've gone by buildings faster on Need For Speed; you mean to tell me a sports car is faster than a jet? While I'm talking about buildings, why are only tall buildings rendered? It looks like someone stuck skyscrapers on a page from Google maps. Essentially, you can recreate the levels in your own home by printing out a map, put some yellow Christmas lights on it to represent cars, and make your buildings with gray Legos. You might want to wait until your finish making the set first before turning on the lights because Xmas lights burn paper quickly.

Normally, I try to avoid spoilers, but in this case, I'm gonna relay most of the story to you because I feel like need to (plus I want to). It's not like anyone play these games for the story anyway. If you really have that much of a problem with it, skip down to the picture below and enjoy yourself. It's 5 years in the future, and 3 pilots get booted from the Navy because...there too old I guess. The pilots begin working for a Private Military Company called Artemis. After a few years, the company decides to switch jobs and work for....I forget the country and attack Brazilian forces. Unfortunately, the US is helping Brazil for...some reason I can't remember. The three pilots refuse to open fire on their own countrymen, so they defect back to the Air Force. Because they're a PMC, they can take any contract they want, and there's nothing to the US can do about it. Fair Enough. The US can't interfere with your business, so there's really no issue here. Then, in the most erect of dick moves, they invade the US. I'm pretty sure the US can do something about that, now can they? What was the point of invading America? They would have left Artemis alone if they didn't bother them. Did they really think they can take over a whole fucking country? In fact, how the hell did a COMPANY acquire enough money and hardware to rival a COUNTRY (and a superpower country at that)? You need at least 2 trillion dollars just to make it to the fuckin Gulf of Mexico. And since it's a company, isn't invading a country with no means of monatary gain a waste of fuckin resources? Who jeopardizes their company just to be a dick? That's what you have to look forward to in Hawx. It's a piece of shit story, so I don't think I ruined anything for you (in fact, I should have done the same thing for Bionic Commando because that story is beyond retardation). If you didn't listen to my warning, and are mad that I spoiled it for you.....

....here's my apology for the spoilers

One look at her picture, and he's gotten upright

Flight sims work like this: you don't actually turn left and right by moving the left stick left or right. Moving the left stick right or left will make your aircraft rotate in place (well, not really 'in place' since you're be constantly moving forward). To make a turn, rotate the plane in the direction you want to turn. Rotate until your plane is flying on your side, then pull back on the left stick in order to make that turn. If none of this makes any sense to you, it's because it's really hard to explain, but once you pick up a controller, it'll become clear to you. As for all other aspect to air combat, everything is normally explained in the toturials.

There are a couple of features that separates Hawx from other flight sims. The first little innovation is the ERS system, or as I like to call it, the 'Tell Me Where to Go' system. When it's available, activating the ERS will display the path that's best to travel if you want to reach your target or avoid missiles. This is a Godsend because it is hard trying to shoot a tank conveniently parked between buildings. After a while, you become so good that you won't need to use the ERS unless the game dictates it. The biggest difference, however, is the Assistance Off mode. By double tapping one of the trigger buttons, you go into a completely different camera view way the hell away from your plane and off to the side. In this mode, you have more maneuverability (Jesus Christ that's hard to spell) and can dodge missiles better, but you no longer have assess to your ERS, and your plane can now stall if you lose too much speed. Speaking of speed, everything gets faster when the assist is off. It's not exactly the speed I'm looking for, but it's getting there. It takes some getting used to, but once you do, you might actually prefer it over the traditional viewpoints. Assistance Off mode is only really good for dogfights though, which leads to my only exclusive complaint with Hawx. Most of the complaints I listed apply to all flights sim, but this one is exclusive to this game. There aren't enough dogfights in story mode. Now I applaud Hawx for having more variety in missions than most sims (which I'll explain in a minute), but how do you not have one whole mission of dogfighting. A bunch of planes going at it with the assist off would be badass, but usually enemy planes only serve as a distraction to your main goal, which is usually to protect something or escort someone. Every flight sim I've playing had me either killing everything, protecting something, escorting someone, or all of thee above. That was pretty much it. Hawx still has A LOT of mission like that, but it also has missions that I've never seen before. In one mission, I had to destroy beacons that were putting up some kind of field. The catch was I had to fly low to the ground to avoid detection from their radar system. In another mission, the enemy disable my radar, so I had to find the radar towers using a sonar system that beeps faster the closer you get to your target. Another mission had me looking for a base hidden on an island somewhere. I had to use the sonar system to find the base while avoid the red radar fields on the map. If I flew into one of the fields, the enemy would know I was there, and the surprise attack that was planned would be called off, and mission failed (restart). Now that's variety. Online is also good fun. A bunch of people in planes trying to shoot one another: what's not to love (especially with assistance off)? Sadly, they only have team deathmatch, so don't expect much from online.

Either I'm hit, or the plane just farted
(both are not good)

There aren't any real options for the Xbox360 when it comes to flight sims, but this is a definite pick up in my book. There's not much that separates it from to others, but it's enough to make it awesome. I think it's around 40 bucks now at Gamestop, although I could be wrong. It could have been BestBuy. For those of you who want to try something different, this is it. Now.....

FLYYYYYY LIKE AN EEEEEEAAGLE.....

[Neil] Stop it!

Screw you; I like that song. I dont care what anybody says. Best song Seal has ever made. Actually it's the only good song Seal ever made.

[Neil] What about 'Kiss from a Rose'?

...................

[Neil] Sorry

Rating: Sweet

Note: The woman in the picture is Shi Reeves by the way. If you want to look her up, I suggest doing so when nobody's around. What she does on-camera may be too much for some people to handle......I'm saying she does porn.

Halo Wars

Just last week, I got 2 interesting e-mails. The first one, whose address I forgot because I was quick to delete it afterward, said that my opening paragraphs lately have made less and less sense and usually have nothing to do with the game. Well, that is not true sir....or ma'am. I make sure all my opening paragraphs are informative, relevant, and entertaining. After all, I am a well respected game reviewer. Okay, maybe not well respected; more like acknowledged game reviewer. Okay, maybe not acknowledged. I'm more like that guy who plays a lot of video games, and therefore feels that his opinions are valid. If only the world would recognize my genius. Hey, that's not a bad idea for a video game. Recognize My Genius: The World Will Learn (patent pending: June 2009). The objective is to become world renown by any means necessary. Do you become Earth's greatest hero and save kittens from an evil plot to destroy the world's supply of tapioca, or do you try to take it over by assembling an army of judo robots to take out all of the defense systems in order to do a music video with Soulja Boy? Do you cure butt cancer, or do you star in a film with Will Smith, Matt Damon (in Metal Bourne form) and Spider-Man? The choice is yours, but whatever you do, remember to include Stone Cold Steve Austin. Everything becomes instantly awesome when you add Stone Cold. I would not recommend him for your child's birthday party though. I'm not saying it wouldn't be awesome; I'm saying it would be the wrong kind of awesome for that situation. You don't need him chugging beers in front of your kids. That's what your uncle's for. Oh, uncle Willie; what would we do without your drunken rants. One time, he gave us the 2006 State of the Union address while wearing a helmet; it was awesome. It sounded a lot more comforting coming from him than former President Bush. In fact, I think his whole presidency would have benefited with his whole cabinet wearing helmets. Wait...helmets...helmets..why does that make think of dudes in armor? Well, I guess it makes to have a helmet and armor, but still...AH CRAP....HALO WARS. Sorry. Okay so...hoold on...let me scroll up to see what I was talking about. Let's see...uuhh Stone Cold..yes...Recognize My...oh yea...the e-mails. The second e-mail was from a young lady (who I will assume is cute) who said I don't review enough different types of games. When you think about it, she has a point. Most of my reviews have been actions games. In my defense, mostly action games have been released since I started this blog. Either way, it's time to explore new territory, and what better way to start than a game you guys have may me very VERY aware of: Halo Wars.

I HATE THOSE FREAKIN SCARABS

In this game, we join Master Chief as heee.....oooh...right. He not in this. The story takes place 20 years ago before the Chief went terminator on a entire planet shaped like a ring. The humans are fighting the covenant for...well that was never explained...in hopes to...umm...win the war I guess. We follow the warship Spirit of Fire and its crew as they...do...random things to...win...stuff. Yea, I have no freakin clue. This whole story has absolutely no bearing to the Halo universe whatever, and it answered no question left behind in the FPS games. My friend says that it only leaves more questions. What questions? This game never explores any avenues except what's directly in front of it. Maybe Ensemble Studios didn't want to tend in Bungie's story, but they could have at least made it somewhat interesting.

...better them than me

I don't play a lot of RTS games. In fact, I rarely played any game in the genre. Despite my lack of exposure (which in turn nullifies any opinions I have), I do know that when it comes to controls, the keyboard and mouse are the way to go. The guys at Ensemble did a good job with the controls, but the controller doesn't have the accuracy of a mouse. You can't click and drag a box over the specific group you want. You can select one unit, one type of unit, a group of units within a certain radius, all unit onscreen, or every available unit. Although that seems like a lot to someone unfamiliar with RTS games, veterans know that that's actually pretty limiting. Still, I can't see anybody doing any better, so let's roll with it

My favorite aspect about Halo Wars is that it doesn't complicate things. In fact, this may be one of the simpliest RTS you'll ever play. If anything it's a good way to get introduced to the genre. When you first start playing, everything is explained to you in great detail, and I don't just mean in terms of controls. After a quick tutorial, I was ready to kick some covenant ass on whatever the hell planet they stuck me on. I knew what to do, how to do it, and how long it will take. The funny thing is the covenant still figured out how to kick my ass.

WTF is going on down there?

Like I said eariler, I'm not really experience in the realm of RTS, so my strategy boiled down to building up my army and telling them all to "shoot that guy". When that didn't work, I build my army to defend my base, which pretty much always ended in a slatemate because my enemy couldn't build a large enough amry. Unlike most RTSs (I'm assuming), Halo Wars has a limit as to how many units you can have. I guess if you have time to amass a giantic army, the game would turn into one giant clusterfuck, so it was probably for the best. Having a limit also made me think harder as to what type of units I wanted because some units are better against others in what I like to call the Rock - Paper - Scissors effect (ground beats air, air beats vehicles, vehicles beat ground). If your enemy is particularly fond of one type of unit, it's your job to act accordingly. If you have half a brain, you will actually make it far in Halo Wars (as long as you're not playing on legendary). My only complaint is the missions with time limits. Fuck you and anybody else who thinks that's a good idea.

Because I'm not really knowledgeable, there's not much I can say about it, but I had fun with Halo Wars. It was a good way to test my brain and was a nice break from the weeks of action games I've been playing. If you're interested in the genre, this is a great place to start. Keep in mind that this is the only...ONLY good RTS on the Xbox360, so play all other RTS games on PC. If you're not interested, this game won't change your mind one bit.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: My next game will be the flight sim Hawx, which is another genre I have yet to touch on. After that, it's right back to action with Red Faction and Prototype. No, I am not reviewing Fuel, so don't ask. Cry me a river, Bitch.