Monday, July 27, 2009

Battlefield 1943 & Dishwasher - XBLA

You have 25 bucks to burn; what do you do with it? What if I told you you can get 2 kick ass games off the xbox live marketplace? Sounds awesome, right? Before, I never really gave a shit the xbox live arcade because it didn't really have games I wanted, and the games I did want to play were old classics I already had. There were some standouts like N+ and Portal, but it was mostly crap to me. Then I heard that Battlefield was coming out for the XBLA. That kinda confused me because Battefield known for full CD releases, and a downloadable would be going against the grain unless it was an add-on. No it wasn't an add-on. It a full game (kinda), and for 1200 points, or $15 if you want to know the actually fuckin price like any other decent human being, it's freakin worth it. With the leftover 800 bucks, I decided to get the dishwasher simply because it was there, and I had points to waste. It was the best random ass purchase I've ever made. So today, I'm giving you 2 shorts reviews for 2 awesome games that you can get with 25 bucks. Go get some points.


Battlefield 1943 is a smaller version of the PC hit 1942. It takes three maps from the previous game and adds one more specifically for air fights. It even has destructible environments like in Bad Company: not as good, still a nice touch. There's only one game mode. Both teams have a meter on the top of the screen, and the objective is to drain the other team's meter. To do this, you kill them, obviously, but that's not all. Each map has bases you can take over. The more bases you hold, the faster the other team's meter depletes. Some bases have perks you can get like planes, tanks, and even airstrikes. There are 3 classes you can chose from (rifleman, gunner, and sniper), and each one is balanced nicely, so snipers can't come in and dominate unless hidden extremely well. All in all, it's a nice size game for $15.

If you played Battlefield before, then you know exactly what to expect. If not, then let me tell you, this game is hell, in a good way. In a game full of people, you have gunfire in every direction, tanks rolling in to establish dominants, planes doing bombing runs while shooting it out with other planes and avoiding gunfire from turrets, snipers dueling from across the map, and a lot of dying. If you don't think that's fun, why even bother playing video games? I still have some problems with it, though. When a bomb is dropped from a plane, it doesn't do enough damage. I've have bombs blown up in my face with no consequence, which is funny because grenades can kill you from a farther distance. The sniper rifle sucks balls. If you don't get a headshot on a guy, then you might as well say fuck it, and move on to the next target because you will not kill him. Now, that's normally the course with snipers, but this one is so fuckin bad. Even if the reticule (which is small as fuck) is dead center, if the guy is moving, it won't connect. The bullet will hit the ground a second after you pull the trigger. That's bullshit. A bullet connecting is suppose to instantaneous with the pulling of the trigger. I shouldn't have to wait for the bullet to connect. Most of your targets will probably be snipers or just people generally standing still, so its a small problem, especially if you're not the sniper rifle type, but still worth mentioning. Besides, the good players somehow find a way to adapt and rack up the kills, anyway.

All in all, this gets my stamp of approval. It's a fun shooter, even if the feature set is limited, but hey, what did you expect for 15 bucks? Besides, there's always room for downloadable content. Now to move on to the Dishwasher.


The Dishwasher: Dead Samurai (that's the full name by the way) reminds me of the good old days of the side scrolling beat em' ups for Sega Genesis and Nintendo mixed in with a little flair you would find at newgrounds.com. The story isn't really that great, but it was created by some guy in his basement, and since he's not an expert, I can forgive a poor narrative. It's not really poor per say, but it's hard to care about it, especially when there's a lot of slashy slashy do to. You play as a guy working as a dishwasher when his heart gets ripped out of you Mortal Kombat style. He's still alive, but don't know why. Meanwhile, cyborgs are coming after him for reasons he's not sure of yet, but he knows they're the reason he has no heart. So, not only is he out for revenge, he needs to figure out just how da hell is he still alive. You know, upon retrospect, the story is a lot better than I gave it credit for.

This is one of those games where button mashing is fun as all hell. Going through wave after wave of enemies with a pair of meat cleavers just never seems to get old no matter how long or how many times I do it. Don't think this game is easy, though: not by a fuckin long shot. Trust me, there's nothing wrong with putting the difficulty on easy. This game reminded me just how frustrating the 8-bit/16-bit game were except the Dishwasher thankfully has a difficulty setting that can be changed in the main menu no matter how far along you are in the story. As for the gameplay, mashing buttons is fun, but you better learn how to avoid attacks because your health goes down quick as hell. It's also a good idea to figure out the quickest way to kill people because the numbers can fuck you up. You know what, forget what I said about button mashing. Unless you're playing on easy, you better know what the fuck you're doing. Boss battles are a bitch, but once you figure out the most effective way to deal with them....okay, they're still a bitch, but at least you have a chance. Despite the difficulty, everything is setup so nicely, it's a rewarding experience when you come out on top, and not frustrating when you don't. It's like N++: it treats you like scum, but you keep coming back for more. When you do learn how to fight effective, it is such a kick-ass experience bouncing around the screen killing everything that moves. There's even an arcade mode dedicated to just that.

Both games are pretty fuckin awesome, and proved to me that the Xboxlive Arcade may actually be worth a damn. Now, if only that TMNT: Turtle in Time remake would come out already!

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: In NCAA Football, I'm using Rutgers for season mode. I gotta go against Florida, then Oklahoma, then Texas, and after the bye week, Penn State. If I go undefeated, I better get a fuckin BCS Championship breth.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Best and Worst of Sonic

Someone who read my previous post asked me what I think were the worst Sonic games of all time. I not gonna just lay into more, though. Because I am in such a caring mood, I will list the best Sonic games too. Forgive me for not having pictures.

#5. SONIC 3D BLAST - SEGA GENESIS AND SATURN
This was just downright horrible. It didn't even feel like a Sonic game. There was no speed, no platforming, and barely any loop de loop. The controls sucked balls and the overall gameplay was confusing. You go around this fake 3D world which really looks like a piece of folded paper looking for birds. Why? I don't know, and I don't care. I turned the game off after the first level.

#4. SONIC SHUFFLE - DREAMCAST
If you're gonna rip off Mario, do it right Sega. Sonic Shuffle takes the formula of Mario Party and turns the suck knob to 11. The mini-games were so boring. I guess the best way to describe it would be Mario Party 8 with Sonic. What makes it worse is that I didn't even play the game. I saw the gameplay footage and said "I'm done!" That is pretty fuckin sad.

#3. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - XBOX 360 and PLAYSTATION 3
Bad controls, bad story, bad level design, and a bad case of beastiality. Need I say more (please don't make me).

#2. SONIC THE FIGHTERS - GEMS COLLECTIONS FOR GAMECUBE
I say Gems Collections (which had a bunch of rarely played Sonic games) because I have no idea where it originated from. Actually, I know it was in the arcades in Japan, but I don't know if it was released in America before the collection. Either way, the game sucked balls. I once told Neil that it was good for it's time, but then I played other fighting games during that time. Pretty much shitted over that statement.

#1. SONIC....WE'LL SAVE THAT FOR LATER

Yea, we're gonna save the worst Sonic game ever till the end of the post. Now is our list for the best Sonic games.

#5. SONIC HEROES - PS2, XBOX, GAMECUBE, and PC
I have many complaints about this game, but in terms of gameplay, this is the best 3D Sonic game ever made. If Sonic Adventure didn't have all that extra shit like fishing, it would be #5 instead of Heroes. Plus, this was the first time Sonic became available to everybody.

#4. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG - GENESIS
Of course the first game ever makes the list. I don't know what 'blast processing' means, but back in the day, all I knew is that it made Sonic awesome. Unless your Genesis had a copy of Sonic 2 with it, there was no reason to not have this game.

#3. SONIC ADVANCE 3 - GAMEBOY ADVANCE
The Sonic Advance series stuck to it's roots while adding slightly new features like grinding on rails. Sonic Advance 3 was clearly the best in the series because you had a partner who can help you reach places if you wanted to. I was tempted to put Sonic Rush in this spot, but that game (as awesome as it is) was too kiddy. We're talking Sonic Heroes kiddy. Thankfully, they didn't really talk in Sonic Advance so kudos.

#2. SONIC AND KNUCKLES - GENESIS
"NO FREAKIN WAY! I GET TO PLAY AS KNUCKLES!" Those were the first 2 sentences I said when I got my copy of Sonic and Knuckles. Not only was it a stand alone game (which was awesome), you could put in Sonic 2 or Sonic 3 in the SaK cartridge and play those games as Knuckles. It was the best thing ever.

#1. SONIC CD - SEGA CD
Arguably the best Sonic game ever made. Sadly, it was made for Sega CD so nobody but the hardcore played it. It was everything that made Sonic great, plus it had time traveling. If you go through a gate, you have to run fast enough to either warp to the past or the future depending on which gate you went through. Every time you changed time periods, the background, music, and even the course layout changed to a certain degree. If it's not the best, it's definitely the most inventive. Trying to unlock the true ending though is a bitch. It's the only Sonic game I've ever own that I couldn't get the true ending. If you have a Gamecube or Wii, look for the Sonic Gems Collection if you wanna play it. That game alone is worth it.

Here are some honorable mentions for the worst list:

SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG - PS2, XBOX, AND (for all I know) GAMECUBE
Technically it's not a SONIC game, but it was a fuckin horrible game in the Sonic universe. Still, not Sonic so not on the list.

KNUCKLES CHAOTIX - SEGA 32X
Again, not Sonic.

SONIC SPINBALL - GENESIS
A lot of people hated that game, but I liked it. Sure it was hard as fuck, but still...

SONIC UNLEASHED - XBOX 360 AND PS3
The running stages fuckin saved it's ass from the worst list, but it's still in my hall of shame for Xbox 360

SONIC AND THE BLACK KNIGHT - WII
Didn't play it, so I can't call it. Probably deserves a spot on the list though. The gameplay footage didn't tell me much, so I can't call it like I did with Sonic Shuffle.

DR. ROBOTNIK'S MEAN BEAN MACHINE - GENESIS
Another Mario ripoff (Dr. Mario), but it wasn't that bad.

SONIC RIDERS - PS2, XBOX, GAMECUBE, AND PC
It's not bad enough.

And now, for the worst game in Sonic history:

#1. SONIC R - SEGA SATURN
You would think a Sonic racing would be the shit, but oh my god, it is the worst thing I have ever played. It's fuckin worst than X-Blades. Yea, I said it. Sonic moves slower than fuckin Mario, and that in of itself ruins the game. Do they stop there? FUCK NO! There had to fuck it up more. The track design is just shit; absolute shit, and there's only 5 of them. How many good racing games do you know have only 5 tracks? In fact, how many shitty ones do you know have only 5 tracks? To make matters worse (OMG it gets worse), you have to go off the path to look for tokens and chaos emeralds in ordere to unlock stuff, but everything you collected will be taken away from you if you don't win the race. So I have to leave the race, find shit, then get back into the race and win? FUCK THAT! And what's up with the fuckin music? Now, I like the singer, but this music does not belong. In fact, this may be the worst music I have ever heard in a Sonic game period. Nothing I can say can really describe how bad this is. You have to see it youself. Watch.





NOTE: I'm tired of beating up on Sonic.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Spotlight #1

Sonic the Hedgehog

Remember when Nintendo ruled the planet? There wasn't a single person alive who wasn't playing Mario. Yes, Nintendo was sitting high and mighty on top of its throne, looking down at the video game kingdom with content (just like right now, kinda). It seemed that none could challenge Nintendo and the beast they created in Mario, but then Sega arrives with a new weapon to combat Mario and his fat, creature stomping, no princess ass getting overalls. Yea, that last part didn't make sense, but anyway. They created Sonic the Hedgehog, and nobody has seen anything like it. It was Awesome! Using blast processing (whatever the fuck that means), Sega was able to create a game that moved faster than any other game at the time. You would think that kind of thing would be reserved for something like racing, but no; they picked platforming. It like someone said "Hey, let's make a game like Mario, but moves really fast and has loop de loops. Trust me, the kids will shit their pants." And shit our pants we did. What's not to love? The music kicked ass, the level design kicked ass, the gameplay kicked ass, and the hero was so likable and unexpected. I mean, who associates hedgehogs with speed? In fact, who the fuck knew hedgehogs existed before this game? As more games were produced, it was clear that Sonic was a mother fuckin force to be reckoned with, but sadly, around the Playstation/ Saturn/N64 years, Sonic hit a brick wall even he couldn't spin dash though: 3D. I'm going to assume everyone knows the hotness that was the early Sonic games, so in my first installment of Spotlight, we (as in 'me') will talk about the constant failure that is Sonic in the 3rd dimension.

Sonic has appeared in a number of 3D games for the Saturn, but nobody played them. Most of them were never released outside of Japan, or they didn't finish making them. The ones that did come out (Sonic Jam and Sonic R) were never played because no one own a fuckin Saturn. Hell no, not with PlayStation and N64 out. Although the first official 3D Sonic was Sonic 3D Blast, the first TRUE 3D Sonic game didn't come out till 1999. The Dreamcast has just been released, and on launch day we were treated to Sonic Adventure: Sonic running in 3 dimensions. It even had other characters you can play as. Some old and some new. At the time, because I was such a huge Sonic fan, I thought it was the most awesome thing to be put in disc form. Of course, I was blind to the shit that was in that game, but that will explained in a bit. In 2001, Sonic Adventure 2 was released, and suddenly things didn't seem so cool. This game didn't take one step back. Hell, it didn't even take 5 steps back. In order to measure the steps this game took back, you need to go on a fuckin road trip cross country. Let's go in depth. The gameplay was split into 3 modes. One mode was running, the other was shooting, and the third was finding gems. Think about what I just said: shooting and finding gems. Do those sound like something that belong in a Sonic game? Fuck no. To makes things worst, those modes were boring as all hell. See, when you play as Knuckles or Rouge the Bat, you're in this area to freely roam wherever you please. Think of it as open world gameplay, except the area is a lot smaller. You spend your time looking for pieces of the Master Emerald so you can put it back together. It's soooooooo boring. All you do is look around for shards. Why? Why why why!? These aren't segments you could save for later either. You had to do this if you wanted the next Sonic stage. Seriously, I spent nearly an hour looking for one piece. Really, just ONE FUCKIN PIECE! That's not the end of the problems; oh no, not by a long shot. The levels were so unimaginative and bland. I feel like they purposely TRIED to make shitty levels. The controls were loose like a 2 dollar hooker, and the camera is so shit, I'd swear it was fuckin with me the whole time. The music was terrible, which surprised me because the Genesis games had awesome music (I even downloaded the soundtrack). The voice acting was god fuckin awful to the point where you wanted to slap anybody who looked at you with 2 eyeballs. The thing that really pissed me off was the story. It introduced Shadow the Hedgehog to the world in the weirdest way possible. Shadow was created 50 years ago as an attempt to create the ultimate life form. Okay, then explain this: HOW THE FUCK DID THEY WIND UP WITH A HEDGEHOG!? Were dragons unavailable? What the fuck? And here's the kicker: change the color of his fur to blue, and he's a fuckin clone of Sonic. It's like someone kidnapped Sonic, and then dumped him in a pool of emo. In that case, if Shadow is the ultimate life form, what the fuck does that make Sonic? Just when things couldn't get more confusing, the final boss appear, a giant lizard that is said to be the ultimate life form. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS SHADOW!? OH MY GOD! Let's just move on.

See? Same fuckin guy!

After Sega quit the console making business and stuck strictly to games, they remade the 2 Sonic Adventure games for GameCube and the first one for PC. I didn't want to be caught dead with SA2 again, so I decided to download SA for PC. The minute I booted it up, the flaws I missed the first time around out of excitement became perfectly clear to me. The controls were good for their time, but still too loose, and the camera messed up in spots. It was understandable the first time around, but since this is a remake, you would think some fuckin changes would be made. The music and voice acting were terrible, AGAIN, but it was more tolerable than SA2. Sonic Adventure divided the story into 6 parts, one for each character, and each character contributes to the story in some way, which is kinda impressive. You play as Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Gamma, and Big. Sonic stages were fun, like they were supposed to be. Tails' stages were basically racing Sonic to the finish line. That too wasn't bad. Then things go way the fuck off course, and it's these fuck ups that lead to the mess that was Sonic Adventure 2. Knuckles has you looking for the shards. It was a dumb idea, but at least it was more manageable. SA2 gave you stupid ass hints that didn't help much at all. In SA, glowing dots points the way for you if you touch them. Easy, right? Well, if that's the case, why even bother having it in the fuckin game? Then there was Amy's part, and this is the first time most people were introduced to her. The hardcore fans know that her first appearance was actually on Sonic CD for Sega CD, and we like her better then. She wasn't so fuckin annoying. Anyway, in SA, she's walking down the street (and this cutscene even makes a reference to Sonic CD if you pay close attention...and played Sonic CD) when some robot starts chasing after her and some bird she found. So her stages are setup like this: make it to the end of the stage and avoid the robot. It's like cute and cuddlely fused with Resident Evil Nemesis and suffered head trauma through the fusion process. What makes this so painful is that she moves so fuckin slow. What the fuck? I thought this was a Sonic game; why the fuck is she moving like she got a dildo up your ass (no fanart please)? If I was being chased, I would get my shit in gear and haul ass. Not Amy. She just lightly jogs away from danger. I needed therapy after that shit. Then there's Big the Cat who fishes.....yea. The last part was the robot Gamma who shoots stuff. It was fine, but didn't fit with the game. Then again, they had fishing, so what the fuck do I know. After those 2 remakes, Sega would finally release a brand new Sonic game, and it was released on all systems. Now, it was Xbox owners' turn.

How do you think this will turn out?

Sonic made his debut on the Xbox in 2004, and it featured 3 persons team based gameplay. One person was speed, one was flight, and the other was power. You use their specific skills to get past obstacles. You'd expect this game to be a piece of crap, right? Well, it was actually good. In fact, I consider it the only good 3D Sonic game unless you count Sonic Riders for PSP. The speed was there, the level design was nice, the team based gameplay felt necessary, the goal is simple (reach the goal), special stages came back, and all and all, ALMOST everything seems to fit....kinda. There were still some problems that made me cringe. The controls were soooo loose, I fell off the edge a lot simply by trying to make a turn. The camera is at it's worst in this game, forcing me to stop to readjust it. I'm starting to think the cameraman has ADD or something. Every time I enter a new area, the camera would go "OOO a butterfly!" and look the other way as I died. Asshole. When they released the PC version, the camera was a little better, but still a pain in the ass. The music could possibly be the worst I've ever heard in any video game EVER! The voice acting wasn't as bad as before, but the lines they were given were so bad. "Let's show him the real power of teamwork!" "We can win with the power of teamwork! YEA!" WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!? IS SONIC SPONSOR BY NICK JR. NOW!? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT!? I need a beer. Despite this, Sonic seemed to be heading in the right, and if that's true, then the next game was a complete fuckin U-Turn.

I gotta admit, that picture is badass

Yes, Shadow the Hedgehog got his own game, and it played liked shit. Everything that made Sonic Heroes good is now bad, and what was bad is now worse. Even the mission structure is retarded. Each stage has 3 missions, and what mission you wanted to complete depends on whether or not you want to be good, bad, or neutral. Missions are usually about collecting something or destroying things. Why? Why am I doing this in a game about fuckin running!? It forces me to slow down, and I don't like that one bit. I admit that this isn't technically a Sonic game, so it can open up for more ideas, but just like Sonic, Shadow is built for speed, SO LET HIM FUCKIN RUN!! Why are there cars? I don't need them. He fuckin faster than they are. Why does he have a gun? SERIOUSLY, WHY DOES HE HAVE A GUN!? The idea of him holding a gun seemed badass at the time, but damn, that shit did not work out. This game was such a mess. Then, Sonic Riders came out a few months later. It was Sonic...on hoverboards...let's move on. After the shitstorm that was Shadow and Sonic Riders, You'd think it would be over. You would think the move on to the next gen console Xbox 360 would be a great thing for the series. Sonic the Hedgehog came out for 360, and judging from the title, it seemed like a new beginning for Sonic. When you actually play it, however, you feel the need to kill yourself. This game can be politely described as the worst Sonic game ever, and best described as BULLSHIT BANANA BUTTRAPE! You would think they would have learned from their mistakes on Shadow the Hedgehog, BUT THEY DIDN'T LEARN A GOD DAMN THING! Why is Sonic running slower? That's right, SLOWER! Why is Shadow STILL using vehicles? Who the fuck is Silver the Hedgehog? In fact, why make another hedgehog? The worst part of this game, THE ABSOLUTE WORST PART, was the relationship developing between Sonic and a human girl.....I'm gonna let that marinate in your mind for a bit..............grossed out yet? This game was herpes in disc form, and the point where most people pretty much gave up on Sonic. When Sonic Unleashed came out, nobody cared. It was Sonic, and therefore must suck. Then Sega released video of the running stages, and people were stunned. Could it be they finally got it right? Then they introduced the Werehog.......yea. Everyone gave up again before the game was even released. Read my review if you want to know about it.

Sonic, We need to talk about my contract.

If Sonic is so awful, why does he keep coming back? Because every game he makes sells over a million copies. Why? Because he's Sonic. The only person in video games more loved than him is Mario. Every time he fucks up, we're quick to give him another chances. He's also popular with the kids. Seriously though, how do little kids know about the awesomeness of Sonic? Did they play their parents' Genesis? Anyway, Sonic has such a strong sub-culture, there's no way he's going nowhere. He has cartoons, comics, songs, and even porn.....yea....google it. You're gonna be mad at me when you do. Tune in next time when we shine our spotlight on another figure of Xbox.


NOTE: Seeeeggaaaaaaa!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Bigs 2

The one thing I hate about baseball video games is that they are not beginner friendly. Seriously, unless you have a really good eye, it's really hard as hell to tell whether or not you should turn on a pitch. I get it's suppose to be realistic, but realistically, great hitters don't have so much problems batting. At least slow down the ball when a great hitter like David Wright is on deck. Thankful, we're not here to talk about that. As 'great' as simulation can be, sometimes we need games like the Bigs 2 to remind us that realism is fuckin overrated. This game has everything you could want from baseball, and cuts a lot of the bullshit not really needed. It's baseball fun for you and your friends, which is both it's strength and it's weakness.

I bet that superball is on some stuff

As you can tell, this is an arcade game (if arcades were still relevant), which means expect to see a lot, A LOT of over-the-top shit. Everything is sped up to ridiculously nonhuman levels. The only thing that's slow in this game is the pitches, and that's so you can see them to make contact. For pitching, you hold the button that represents the desire until the meters fills up to the sweet spot. Easy. For batting, A makes contact, and B swings with power. You can aim the hit with the left stick. When base running, hold the left stick to the base you want to run to. How fuckin easy is that MLB 2K9? Take notes bitch! When fielding, the four face buttons (A B X and Y) represent the bases you can throw to. Click the right trigger if you want to use turbo, and turbo can be used for anything in this game. Now, how hard was that to understand?

For those who played the first game, you probably want to know what's different. Well, there's a new level in your stats called legendary (one level above 5 stars). Basically it's means whatever you're legendary at, you'll get a turbo boost. So, if you have a legendary arm, you'll throw the ball with turbo. Also added are legendary catches. If your defensive player with a legendary (how many times with I say legendary today?), you can make a play on a ball that would most likely go past other players. Sometimes you don't need to have legendary status to make legendary catches, but it's doesn't happen often. When the game ditates it, press A. Then you have to complete a little mini-game. Do it right, and you get to do something pretty. For hitting, players now have a wheelhouse. This is a highlighted area in your batter's box that lets everyone know where's the best spot for you to hit. If, however, there's a strike within the wheelhouse, it shinks. There are more mini-games to play this time around. The mini-games are little competitions that.....Oh God, I keep explaining shit like this! This is soooo boring! I bet you were reading my shit wondering if you should continue, weren't you? I don't blame you. That's why I hate explaining shit; there's no room for the funny. Oh, and there's a season mode this year. If you never played the first one, you might be wondering "This year?" That's right; the Bigs 1 didn't have a season mode. That seems like an obvious omition. Well, we have it on Bigs 2.

Good job, fatboy.

So what's wrong with it? Well, for one, Home Run Derby is out on it's ass. There's a game mode called HR Pinball where you can destroy some public property, and it's fun, but I want the Derby dammit. The pitchers seem a little too eager to throw the batter's wheelhouse. It's almost like it has a point to prove or something. My biggest complaint, however, is the fact that single player gets boring after a while...STILL!. 2K tried to fix the problem, but with their current formula, this isn't something you'll be playing long if you're playing alone. Get a friend to buy it because that's when the real fun begins.

The Bigs 2 is mindless fun, and I wouldn't have it any other way for my baseball. It's good to actually make contact on the ball (and not get out) for a change. If you have friends with the game, pick it up for yourself. I promise I'll bring the comedy back to the blog. Sorry for fuckin boring you.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: Prince Fielder, the cover athlete, won the 2009 Home Run Derby. I guess he had to because of his contract. Also, I'm so not into revising it right now, so I don't give a shit about errors. All my other posts are riddled with errors so while even fuckin bother. Man, I have been really depressed lately.


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Monday, July 6, 2009

BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger


If you haven't heard of this game, don't worry; most people haven't, even hardcore gamers. This seems like it's gonna be one of those 'under the radar' type of games, which is a shame. Just like Street Fighter 4, BlazBlue is fuckin awesome and can kick the ass of most fighters. It's everything 2D fight fans want, while being inviting to new players. That's been said about a lot of fighters, and most of those claim almost never pan out, but as someone who sucks at 2D fighters, I was kicking ass. At the time of this writing, the only copy available is the limited edition version. Yea, they released the LE first, and the official game will be released in the middle of July. Good marketing plan? I don't know. What I do is that the LE cost the same as the stand alone game ($59.99), so you're better off getting the LE. When they said 'Limited Edition' they fuckin mean it. If my sources are correct, only 19,000 copies have been made, and since the internet has been blowing up with questions and youtube videos, I'm guessing they're going fast, so hurry up. Once the stand alone comes out, there will be no more LE versions released. I think they're only at gamestop right now; I could be wrong. The LE comes with the soundtrack on 2 discs and a bonus DVD. The music isn't bad, but I won't be putting it in my Ipod any time soon. The bonus DVD....you know what, I never watched it. Huh. Okay, while I do this review, I'll watch the DVD. Maybe it'll answer some questions I have.

Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before BlazBlue"

This is normally the part where I explain the story, but I'm not even gonna bother. Why? Because I can't understand a damn thing that's going on. Maybe Neil can shed some light on this. And try to keep the spoilers to a minimum....like it matters.

[Neil]: Okay, so this dude Ragna is wanted by the NOL, the world's police force apparently, for busting up their buildings. Jin works for the NOL, but went A.W.O.L. in search of his brother Ragna so he can try to kill him again because he failed to when they were kids, but why he tried to is a mystery. We'll just say he's crazy. Noel is an amnesiac who also works for the NOL and is the sister of Jin and Ragna, only that's a lie. She's actually a clone of their sister, who may or may not be dead. Nu is the 13th clone (V-13) of their sister I think, and is passionately in love with Ragna, but Ragna wants to kill her, which is why he keep breaking NOL building. That's where she keeps spawning. Hakumen is one of the Six Heroes who helped save mankind once, but is apparently Ragna's brother somehow, and Jin is....not sure. Maybe a clone? Anyway, Hakumen was summoned out of the boundry, which is like purgatory, by Kokonoe, a scientist who works for Sector Seven. Sector Seven is the opposing group to the NOL. They're not evil, and they don't play much of role here. Anyway, there's a distortion in time and space (due to Nu's awakening), and Hakumen is sent somewhere else, so it's up to Tager to plant devices that....

STOP! STOP! STOP THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW! SON OF A MOTHER FUCKIN METAL GEAR SOLID BITCH! I THINK I KNOW LESS NOW THAN I DID BEFORE! UUUUUGH! FUCK YOU! FUCK JAPAN! FUCK ARC SYSTEM!

[Neil]: Son of a mother fuckin Metal Gear Solid bitch?

You know, because it too has a needlessly complicated story.

[Neil]: I see.....

After trying to grasp this so called mess of a story for maybe 2 days, I put the controller down and said "I done." Seriously, I was done. I don't give two shits about cultural differences; if anybody think that the story here is good in any way, American or Japanese, may their buttholes itch for 40 days and 40 nights.

Litchi's nickname in the game is Boobie Lady...I'm not joking!

Now let's begin talking about gameplay. First, let me tell you what I don't like about it............now that that's out of the way, let's talk about what I like do about it. Seriously, I don't have a single complaint about gameplay whatsoever. This game is just design too well. The game is fast and frantic, yet you still have complete control. I can't even complain about controls, which is something I normally have to when talking about the 360 and fighting games. Things are different from most 2D fighting games. Instead of 3 types of punches and kicks (like Street Fighter 4), BlazBlue uses a 4 button system. You have a weak button, medium button, strong button, and a 'do something awesome' button (I like that button). To make things even easier, 2 of your special moves and at least one of your finishers are mapped on the right stick. Just flick the stick in the right direction, and you can proceed to open up your can, jar, box, chest, or truck of whoopass on whoever's in front fo you. It's a hell of a lot easier than 'Down, Down-Forward, Forward, Down, Down-Forward, Forward, Button' to do moves. With this easy setup, someone like me can come in and be a G in no time. Of course, those who are well versed in the art of 2D fighters will come into this game as gods, and beat the holiest of all hell on anyone who challenges them (mostly by accident). What makes 2D fighters so great is that you can be creative with your ass-kicking. 2D fighters basically let you create your own combos, and the truely adventurous can develop 100 hit combos if they practice enough. That's why there is such a strong sub-culture for it. 3D fighters don't normally provide that since their combat style demands that combos be pre-determined. BlazBlue is no different from other 2D fighters in the combo department, and since the controls are simple, putting combos together is more fun than usual. This game even has punk bastards in mind. If you try to avoid someone for too long without attacking, a negative warning will appear, telling you if you don't man up and fight, we'll make you pay. If you don't wanna listen to the warning, Your defense will drop, and hits will hurt more than usual. Once again, you will have spammers, but in this game, they're easy to get around thanks to the air dash (unless they spam to get you to air dash, then you're screwed). Some people may not like the fact that there are only 12 characters, but fuck that. For me, this actually seems perfect. It's easier to learn how to play with 12 people than it is with 47 mother fuckas.

Hey! Some actually gameplay footage!

I was a little hesitant to put this in my hall of fame because of the clusterfuck that is the story, but everything else is just so awesome, I almost had to. Maybe with enough press, this game can move more copies. The LE is doing fine, but when the stand alone comes out, I think we'll see sales drop, which would be a shame. 2D fighters not Street Fighter have a very limited appeal. Maybe I can help in some way. Readers, buy this game. Tell your friends to buy this game. This game is too awesome to go unnoticed.

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: I finished the DVD. It's filled with tips and strategies on how to play the game. It kinda like a video instruction manual, except a lot more helpful. Didn't tell me shit about the story though. Did I mention that these guys also made the Guilty Gear series?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Tired ol' Cliche`

Doing that list of what I want out of certain games was fun, but now it's time to be a little broader. This time I want to change or eliminate overused elements developers persist on putting in their games.

STOP WITH THE QUICK TIME EVENTS:
God of War was a good game; I'm glad we're all in agreement on that, but that doesn't mean you can litter the market with QTE's, especially since most developers can never do them right. For the record, Shenmue for Dreamcast was the first to do it, but no one gave a shit till Kratos started using them, so he gets a lot of the credit. Most QTE's happen at random when you least expect it, making it almost impossible to be ready for them. It's just a pointless (and sometimes frustrating) mini-game of simon says that developers throw it to make things seem better, but really, they're just fooling themselves (like rappers using auto-tuner). God of War didn't do that. Most QTE's were triggered by the player, meaning you knew what was about to happen and you had complete control, and that's something the other developers haven't grasp. The only other game to do QTE's right was Ninja Blade, but that game did it too much.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE LOVE?
If there's a male lead in the game, Im always expecting some chick to come along for him to plug. In some games it makes sense (like Mass Effect and Prince of Persia), but when added to games like Silent Hill Homecoming, you can't help but to think the developers are off their fuckin rocker. Does there really need to be a romantic sub-plot? Can I please go through one game without there being sexual tension between the man and woman?

IS THIS A WALL OR A WALKWAY?
I hate invisible walls. You're just walking along, minding your own business, killing whatever you see, and then all of a sudden, you're running in place because you're not suppose to go down that hallway. If I can't go that way, why the fuck did you bother rendering it in the first place?

SO WAIT...WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
No one plays fighting games for the story, but if you're have them, they have to make sense. I'm looking at you Soulcalibur 4 and Blazblue. Fighting games aren't the only ones that stink. Each genre has a game with writing so bad, it...well....not....okay....to.....I got nothing, but dammit if I had some jokes, I would lay it on thick. Never...EVER...have the mail room boy write your shit again.

I'M DROWNING!!!!!!!
I am so sick and tired of protagonists who can't swim. How am I suppose to buy that this guy is a badass, and he doesn't even know how to navigate a fuckin pool?

CHEATER! CHEATER! OOOOO, YOU FUCKIN CHEATER!
I hate cheap ass boss fights and AI. One hit and I'm dead from an attack I can't see coming or dodge? Fuck you. The worst part is when it happens off-screen.

BLEEP! BLOOP! YOU WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM!
I like achievement points. They usually make me feel good for doing something awesome. Before, you did stuff for your pride, but now you can be rewarded with points. You can't do shit with the points, but you can brag about how high your score is if you want to be a douche about it. What I don't like is when they give points for arbitrary shit, most of which you HAVE to do to proceed. Beating the first boss: 100 points. What the fuck? The system doesn't work if you're just giving them out. Make me work for my mother fuckin points.

I DON'T NEED 2 LINES
One liners are like good booze: always use in moderation. It's all good up to a point, but then you're dizzy, throwing up, saying things you shouldn't, and regretting all of it in the morning. Booze has that same effect. Protagonists who do nothing but sprout one liners (I'm looking at you Vin Diesel) are clearly devoid of personality and try to compensate with most boring smartass quotes.

PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON, WOMAN!
I like the female body as much as the next guy, but it's not necessarily something I want to focus on when I'm kicking ass. For once, I would like to see a sensible dress woman doing her thing. It's kinda hard for me to respect her when her buttcrack is showing for no good reason.

I'm probably missing some things, but I can't of any right now. Maybe I'll update it later. Maybe you guy can give me some ideas? No...no you won't. You never do. Bastards.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Fight Night Round 4


I normally try to avoid reviewing games in a series that insanely popular or are numerous in iterations. That reminds me, no NFL Madden 10 review when it comes out. Don't ask. Anyway, I don't even know why I'm reviewing this game. You probably already know if you're going to buy it or not, so this review is pretty useless, unless you really wanna hear me squeak and squabble about it (or see my usual random jokes). I didn't want to, but I feel like I would have lost credibility if I didn't. Plus, I've played all the other Fight Nights (even back when it was called Knockout Kings...didn't know that, did you?) so I wanted to keep the streak alive. Round 4 is a good game, and is really true to the sport of boxing, but it's ultimate failing is that it has to follow Round 3, and it doesn't have the 'WOW' factor Round 3 had.

Boxing has some ugly ass championship belts

Things got off to a flying start when I realized they fucked with my controls. The analog movements are actually much easier to use and more responsive than ever before. You can now do body hooks simply by flicking the stick diagonal down, which makes things better for opening up combos on a-holes. All these improvements make for a better experience with the analog, but the thing is...I've never liked using the analog. I have a tendency of throwing the wrong punches or failing to pull my punches back to avoid the hit, result in getting knocked out. I like to use the face buttons because it allows me to do exactly what I want, which leads to my number one problem with Round 4; THEY TOOK AWAY THE FUCKIN FACE BUTTONS CONTROLS! What the fuck is wrong with you people? You know damn well not everyone can get accustom to that, and forcing them to is a dick move. And don't pull Skate 2 out your ass about how it's control scheme only uses analog. In Skate 2, when you fuck up, you can just try again. In Fight Night, when you fuck up, you lose the match. Big difference. Also, to all the expert reviewers out there who made this claim, how the hell does one analog stick moving 2 hands feel realistic? I feel like I'm playing Legends of Wrestlemania again; a game that come up short of greatness thanks to controls. Of course, if you like the analog controls of the Fight Night series, then this whole paragragh means nothing to you, so takes this as nothing more than the little hate speech that it is.
[Update: There's a free download that let's you play with the face button available as of September. Go nuts.]

My main man Manny with the hook

Besides the controls, what's different in Fight Night Round 4? Well, that's the sweet part of the science. The parry system is gone (like anybody knew how to fuckin use it) in favor of a counter system. Bob and weave out of the way of a punch, and that leave the opponent open for a counter-punch, which does nasty damage. In fact, the main focus of the matches is countering, at least if you're looking for the knockout. Speaking of which, my friends Flash KOs make their way from UFC to Fight Night, but in FN they seem to make sense since you actually have to work for them. They only occur by counter punching or throwing a haymaker, and that's not easy to do. In UFC, you just need to be lucky. Haymakers are slower and not that reliable anymore. In fact, unless you know you have a clean shot, throwing haymakers is actually a stupid idea because you'll just get counter-punched. I like this move because this prevents people from getting haymaker-happy like the last 2 games. Body shots are actually worth a damn in this game, sapping stamina and a good amount of health. The game also moves faster as if you are watching a live show (that's 60fps for those who know what that means), and the graphics look as pretty as you would expect. As for the career mode (called Legacy mode), the only real noticeable difference is the training exercises, which sucks. You're better off just auto-training.

I can't look. Tell me if I hit him

So....ummm..........yea, get it.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: To hell with a closing paragraph.