Smackdown vs Raw CAF Names

So you created a finisher for your guy, and you need to decide on a name, but don't want to use any of the names provided for you. So what do you call your move? I'm here to help, and by help I of course mean come up with bullshit as I go along. Feel free to use these ideas.

Thing of Beauty
Feedback
the Creator
Push (simple, yet can be badass)
the Hangover (I think it's already taken, but fuck it)
Violent Protest
Hellraiser (.....meh, not that original)
Five Below (it's like a reverse F-5, except with a chain of stores)
MTD (Makes Things Dead)
Burst Limit (now where in the DBZ have I heard that name before)
Raging Hormones (....................gay)
Reload
CCS (Concussion Causing Slam)
the Zadane (yes...it's a headbutt)
Stranglehold
ThatMoveWhereYouPickThePersonUpAndSlamHimOnTheFace
Recipe for Success
50/50 or 20/20
American Psycho


........your welcome.

WET

Whoops...wrong game.

Anyway, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, WET has that grindhouse style you see from Quinton Taratino films (hopefully I spelled his name right) with the flickering scene like it was being run on the world oldest home camcorder, and yes it looks cool as hell. I just wanted to get that out of the way because millions upon billions of reviewers have been spinning that line for weeks now. Despite the….film style (?), it doesn’t distract one bit from what this game really is: Midway’s Stranglehold with a few moves swapped out. It’s hard not to make a comparison between the two games. Both have outlandish shootouts that I wouldn’t recommend you try until you have a grudge against certain things like living or keeping all of your blood. Both have insane stunts that nobody can physical do EVER and would only try if he/she gets off on breaking bones. For the final piece of résistance (is that how they say it?), both games make you play in slooooow mooooootion as you dive repeatedly to avoid death long enough to die in the next area and have the game over screen mock you. The only difference is that Stranglehold was actually good, while WET wishes it could keep up.

So Getting in a Car Never Seemed Like a Good Idea?

Although there is a story somewhere, the game just says fuck it all, gives you guns, gives you a sword, and then goes sits in the corner out of the fucking way while you proceed to stylishly murder dude after dude, interrupting only to load, ask you if you want to upgrade, or do a fan-fuckin-tastic quick time event. Yes, QTEs make yet another appearance, and yes, they show up at random with no warning as to when shit might pop off. As for the main character, Rubi, what can I say? Well, she a bitch, an alcoholic, a sociopath, a shitty dresser, stubborn, your sister on the rag, and an all around unlikable person. It’s as if the developers wanted to make her as inhuman as possible, and I have to say “mission fuckin accomplished” Enjoy your medal.

If you take a good look at the graphics, you will notice they’re not that good. They’re not bad, but not good. So why does the game have to load for so damn long? They try to hide it with stupid ass elevator scenes with Rubi just standing there bored out of her fuckin mind just like I was. Remember the elevators from Mass Effect (if you played it)? LONGER!

Do I See Camel Toe?

Like Stranglehold, the main problem with WET is that you spend so much time in slow motion that you think you've made a mistake or the game is glitching for some reason. Bullet time was a great thing during The Matrix era, but now it's time to calm the fuck down on it. Almost every shooter has it now (clearly an exaggeration so don't fuckin email me) and it's annoying, but this may be the first time a person is helpless without it. While in slow mo, you can aim with one gun while auto target takes care of the other guy, which is kinda fuckin awesome, but when you snap out of it, Rubi uses only one gun like she forgot she can fuckin dual wield! You're either sliding and diving all over the place or else you're dead. The same goes for Stranglehold, but at least you can actual do something when not in slow mo. WET is so dedicated to the idea of bullet time that it gets pissy whenever you decide not to use it, and why would you not use it? It's the only way to kill shit. Speaking of killing shit, there's almost never a moment when you're not killing something. If you go 5 minutes without a murder to you're name, then you're doing something wrong. It's fun for a while, but the enemies are dumb as fuck, and provide no real challenge. The only difference between enemies when you begin and when you end is the fact that it takes a hellava lot more bullets to take down (and apparently possess bulletproof foreheads because head shots don't always register). After a while, I got bored and quit, and looked for something more worth my time...like granny porn.

Cocaine's a Hell of a Drug

WET is one of those games that seemed like a good idea....in 2001. This game starts off well enough, but never stays at that level. Rubi, if you're gonna ape a game like Stranglehold, make sure you do it right, and do it better.

Rating: Meh

NOTE: Seriously, Rubi is such an unlikable bitch.

Halo 3: ODST

If I had to describe this game in 2 words, it would be this: It's Halo. There; I just described the entire experience for you.

Rating: Sweet

See ya next week.

........................................................

All right; all right. If you didn't get enough bang bang goodness from Halo 3, you can now pick up this little gem if you didn't already. In fact, why am I reviewing this? Who doesn't own this game by now? You weren't waiting for me, were you? AW, that's sweet (in a gay sort of way). With that said, there are some additions that make things more enjoyable, but I just don't feel like it's THE game to get, despite others saying otherwise.

Big Monster vs. Pistol....Good Luck Pal

The story takes place between the events of Halo 2 and 3 as you control a group of drop troopers on a mission to save the city of New Mombasa, which they fail miserably. Did I ruin the story for you? Of course not; you got the game already, and if you don't, you still already know that from Halo fuckin 3. Microsoft proves once again that Master Chief is overrated and casted a bunch of humans to do the grunt work. Yep; Halo with normal humans instead of a cyborg. Talk about fuckin innovation.

Despite my snarky comments (haha...snarky), playing with normal slightly above average humans with great thresholds for pain and super strength does change the way you play. Instead of gun blazing and running head first into the enemy for one or two smacks to the head, you spend a lot of time ducking and dodging to stay alive, at least on heroic difficulty because any lower on the settings will make you look like a pussy. You don't have the usual kind of health either. You have a shield like Chief, but it's nowhere near as strong. Once the shield is down, bullets start chipping away at your health. Although the shield regenerates, your health doesn't, so you have to find med packs. If you played the first Halo, you have the general idea. Once you get used to this, then you may commence with the pistol whipping. Sometimes, it's better to just sneak around the enemy and avoid fighting altogether. Stealth in a Halo game...the devil must be wearing a winter coat by now. I'm saying that hell has froze...you get the joke. Other than that, it's pretty much Halo, for better or worse.

WHOA! Dude! Don't Shoot the Cameraman!

My biggest problem is with the multiplayer. Don't get me wrong; it's still fuckin awesome. If it was a cake, Halo multiplayer would be a fuckin upside down awesome cake with awesome filling and ice cream on the top (the ice cream's flavor? Kick-Ass). My problem is that the multiplayer is Halo 3, not ODST. I have this game already! So do most ODST owners! Why fuckin repackage it? I know what some of you are saying. "Kevin you under-appreciated, unexplainable handsome man of gaming, if the Halo 3 multiplayer kicks so much ass, why bash ODST for repackaging it?" Because they cheaped out on the ODST multiplayer. Yes, you have co-op campaign and firefight, which pits 4 players against endless waves of cannon fodder, but that's it. There's no competitive ODST games to be found, which sucks balls. I would have settled for just Slayer and Team Slayer as long as I get to play as the ODST guys and use their new guns. It's not worth 60 bucks for half a game I already own.

Look Alive Boys! Time to Do Some Pwning!

In short, Halo 3: ODST is a..........you're playing it right now, aren't you? Hold on; let me go online. I need help with unlocking recon armor.

Rating: Sweet (again)

NOTE: Seriously, how do you unlock recon?

Batman: Arkham Asylum

I don't think many people thought this game would be decent, let alone be one of the best games of the year. Batman and video games never really seemed to get along in the past. There have been of couple of good ones in the SNES days, but for the most part, Batman games suck donkey balls. In fact, with the exception of MK vs DC, DC has no good games to its name except the aforementioned SNES Batman. Going into this, it's totally understandable to think this is a waste of time, but then you play it, and you're silenced by its awesomeness. It's been a long ass time since a game has made my jaw drop (Grand Theft Auto 3 I think), but Batman has so many kick-ass moments that about half way in, my jaw was on the floor for the rest of the game (it broke off...call a doctor). Even if you know very little about the bat, you still feel like this game does him justice, which is more than what I can say about Jason Bourne and his game. Dude, imagine Batman and Bourne working together. That would be sweet.

I said make me a balloon animal dammit!

The story begins with Batman bringing Joker back to the asylum in his ultra sleek, badass Batmobile...hey why don't I add that into Club BadAss? Anyway, feeling that Joker gave up too easily, Batman decides to escort the loony into the asylum. Well, the Bat was right. Soon, Joker gets loose and frees the inmates. Now all hell has broken loose, and it's up to Bats to fix everything the only way he knows how: extreme violence. Keep in mind that this is Arkham Asylum: the place where Batman brings all crazies he catches. Normally, I would say a hero is screwed, but this is Batman. There's nothing a punch to the dick can't solve.

There are 3 elements to Arkham Asylum: combat, exploration, and stealth, and each is done very well. Normally, no one really gives a shit about exploration, but here, exploring has its own rewards. The riddler has left trophies and...well riddles...all over Arkham, and finding them unlock challenge rooms. The combat is probably the most satisfying part of the game, as it should be. If kicking ass ain't fun, then what's the point (like oneechingchang...still doing oneechanbara jokes apparently)? The controls are simple enough: X to attack, Y to counter, B to stun, and A to dodge. You think with only one attack button, you can just button mash, but noooooo mister video game man; it's not that simple. You need to balance all of the four buttons (when called for) and time everything right, or else you'll know first hand what a human fist taste like. There's this one glitch in the combat that may be the best glitch ever. One of Batman's move is him jumping on a downed opponent sternum and punching him in the face for the knockout. Sometimes though, he lands on their face and punches them in the dick. I'm pretty sure that wasn't done on purpose, but I'm glad it wasn't fixed. The punch in the dick always results in a knockout, too. Makes sense. The stealth element surprised the hell out of me in the fact that I liked it. My friends know I hate stealth, but I had fun picking people off one by one without being seen. The fact that Batman can hide in the rafters (and the enemies never fuckin look up) makes stealth easy, and him assortment of moves and gadgets are cool to use. The best part is that stealth isn't the main part of the game. It's regulated to certain parts of the game where goons bust out the guns. It doesn't happen as often as you think.

Ah! Bats hate light you douche!

So, you know all this stuff already. It's been over a month already so you should have heard all the praises by now. Question is, is there anything wrong with the game? Sure, I can find something to complain about. First is the run button. Why is their a run button? I thought we ditched that kind of thing when they created the analog stick for the N64. When you're not holding down the button, he does this slow walk like one of his bat gadgets curled up into his ass. Until you get used to it, making a getaway can be problematic. The boss battle are just down right disappointing. Bane was a challenge the first time through, but really, it's like the developers ran out of ideas when it came to boss battles. The most disappointing is the encounter with Killer Kroc. At first, it freaked me right the fuck out, but when I finished it, I was saying "....that's it?" As for the challenge maps, the only way to unlock them is doing the Riddler's challenges. After you beat the game, you can go back and solve the puzzles, but it's so fuckin boring. I understand you want to give people a reason to solve these, but c'mon. I want my damn maps.

So many options at this point

Unless Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 proves me wrong (and it probably will), Batman is the game of 2009. You know it, I know it, Batman knows it, and Rocksteady knows it. It's been said that they are already working on the sequel. Kinda hard to see where this can go from here, but then again, I couldn't imagine a game like this to begin with. Just remember to make the boss battles fun, okay guys?

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: ..........I'm Batman!