Onechanbara (W) (STS)

Wow. I didn't think I would have to touch this game. Back when I did my STS segment, I left this out because I couldn't continue to play shitty games anymore. Now that I'm actively looking for shit, we come to it again. So, how is Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad? Well, besides having a name so long I couldn't fit it in the title, OneSantaBarbra isn't as bad as all the critics made it sound. Don't get me worng; it's still a steaming pile of shit that been left out in the sun all day to cook, but it's not the worst. Damn Larry, is there any game that can remove you from that spot?

....Boobs...again...

What's the story like? I have no freakin clue. I can't make sense of the story. I found out this is the third game in the series, so I guess you need to play the first two to get the back story. If that's the case, then why release this one to the states and not the others? Well, whatever. Let's just get to gameplay. Remember how to play Turtles in Time? It's just like that. You press X until you're bored, then press X until you're even more bored. You can get through most of the game by pressing nothing but X. The boss fights are a bit more complicated, but you get my point. Onechanbarberchair seems like the kind of game where you can really open up on a crowd with massive combos, but it doesn't. The enemies are piss easy. They don't go down easy (they're zombies by the way), but they don't necessarily attack you with great urgency either. So, you spend most of the game hacking through legions of the undead. Sounds like fun. Should be fun. Just not fun. Onechewbaca has one interesting feature. The women absorb the zombie blood into their skin. When they absorb enough, they transform into crazy bitches that are faster and deal more damage. In this mode though, it drains your health. Most people cry that it's the stupidest power-up ever, but I have to disagree on that because it's not a power-up. The one thing I did understand from the story is that their blood is curse, so when you transform, you're not technically powering up; you're cursed. It was (I'm guessing) designed to be something you wanted to avoid, and I can respect that thought process to a point.

This is why we don't free Willy

My biggest problem with the game isn't the combat. It's the fact that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! Onechansformers fails at telling you what you need to know. I can't understand why there's no tutorial. Even the instruction manual doesn't tell you shit, except the button layout. I found out there's an inventory screen by accident. I was trying to hit the big button to bring up the dashboard, and I hit the back button instead. Isn't that something that should have been brought to my attention earlier. Good luck finding your way around because the game doesn't tell you where you need to go. It has a map, but it doesn't tell you where your next objective is unless you're in the same area. I hope you enjoy walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in cirlces because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be....FUCK!

This game also has a dress-up mode, which panders to the perverts who make up the target demographic. So, if your favorite girl isn't slutty enough, you can change that. You have to unlock the clothes by playing through story mode first, though. It also has 2-player split screen which a lot of games don't have anymore. I decided to try in out with Neil. Neil, what do you think?

[Neil]: I fuckin hate this game.

Good point Neil.

[Neil]: The fuckin graphics look like my PS2, the fuckin camera is too damn close to the girl, AND WHY THE FUCK IS MY SWORD STUCK IN THIS GUYS TORSO!?

Oh yea, in Onecharboiled, your sword will collect blood on it. When the sword has too much blood on it, it can get stuck in someone. You have to remember to periodically clean your sword, or else...

[Neil]: GOD DAMN LOADING TIME! The graphics look like shit, and the background isn't even detailed much, so why the fuck DOES IT HAVE TO LOAD ALL THE DAMN TIME!? GTA4 doesn't load unless you do a mission. Gears of War barely loads at all. Those games look 3 times better than this, SO WHY DOES THIS ONE HAVE TO LOAD!? AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

See, Neil isn't used to playing shitty games, so he can't handle it like I can.

A vampire's buffet

Onechatroom probably should have stayed over in Japan because there's no love for it here. You can't even find this game used because nobody would buy it (except my dumbass). With that said, it's nowhere near the worst game for the Xbox360. I can't even really give it the red rings of death rating.

Rating: Ass (Sexy ass, but ass nonetheless)

So here's the order of which these games are awful from bad to worse:

Ocechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad
Sonic Unleashed
X-Blades
Pimp My Ride
Bomberman: Act Zero
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

We still have a few games to go, including one blue rodent who's making his second appearance on this list.

NOTE: The cowboy hat and bikini combo is so last year.