Bomberman: Act Zero (W)

Wow. I can't remember the last time I've played a Bomberman game. I think it was back when I had the big gray brick known as the gameboy. Either way, Bomberman was one of the classic games, and up to this point, was remembered as one of the fun multiplayer games of the 8-bit era. Right around the 360 launch day, Konami decided to bring back Captain Blow Shit Up for a round of...well, blowing shit up, and why not? Well, like Turtles in Time, some games just can't age well. It's amazing how much this game sucks, and it's no wonder why everyone is crying foul. This is probably better as an Xboxlive arcade game, but I got it for 5 bucks, and I still want my money back.

It's hot. Are you hot? I feel hot.

The first thing you'll notice is that the character is gone. That's right: that cute and cuddly pyromaniac is nowhere to be found. Instead, he's been replaced with what I can only assume is a future NFL player (the green glowing parts are clearly steroids). Rule #1 when bringing back a beloved franchise: DON'T fuck with the main character. As for the gameplay....well...it's Bomberman. What did you expect? You drop some bombs and hope somebody dies. Well, there is some strategy involved, but I never seemed to need it. There's really no change in gameplay whatsoever. If you don't know how Bomberman is played, wow (where have you been?). There are some changes. Besides the standard mode, there's a FPB mode, and I have no fuckin clue what FPB means. Anyway, the camera is closer to you, and instead of one-hit kills, you have a life bar. The camera makes it so fuck impossible to see shit, it's no wonder you have a life bar, but even then it's bullshit. Well, that's it for the changes....yea. Both modes have 99 stages that you can try to plow through, but there are no continues. Once you die, you go all the way back to the beginning. So if you bite it on level 98, tough shit. Cry me a river, bitch; you're going back to the beginning. I thought we left that shit behind when memory cards were invented. As for online mode, nobody's playing, so I can't even review it. There's no local multiplayer or system link option either, so I was forced to play this shit alone. This is grade A fuck.

Stop, drop, and roll won't save you here

Yea...that's it. That's the game. Imagine buying this when it first came out for 60 big ones. I heard some stores were accepting returns because it was so bad, though that may have been just a rumor. I wish I could send mine back. In fact, I want the time I spent playing back, dammit! This barely registers as a game. You can find the same exact shit online as a flash game (look it up). Avoid at all cost!

Rating: Red Rings of Death

Amazingly, this game is a step above Leisure Suit Larry, so it's not the worst game on the 360. Larry, it's not looking good for you. Here's the order from bad to worse.

Sonic Unleashed
X-Blades
Bomberman: Act Zero
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

We got more games to look up so it's not over yet, though I wish it was.

NOTE: Xboxlive Arcade games don't count, so don't ask.