Welcome back. I hope you all had a great new year's day because I certainly didn't. We had a typical New England winter storm which fucked with the roads and made all my friend coward in fear, and because of that, the best I could do was a sports bar that closes at 12 fuckin 30. Well, fuck it. There's no use in dwelling in the past. That was 2009, and this is 2010. Yea! A new beginning, and what better way to start than to do a PS3 game. This review would have came sooner, but I wanted to play the first Uncharted. Sadly, nobody's Uncharted works because of a firmware update, and Sony has yet to fix the problem, so fuck it. I'm gonna have to do this with no prior knowledge whatsoever. The reason I'm reviewing this game in the first place is because I've heard so much good stuff about it, I had to see for myself because there was no way it could be that good. Well....I was kinda right. Let me just say that this game is pretty sweet. If you own a PS3, this game is a good buy, and it's online mode will keep you busy for a while. You probably heard all the good shit, so with that said, I will do what nobody else will do...BASH THE HOLY HELL OUT OF THIS GAME!
The first problem I have is Nathan Drake himself simply because he's suppose to be the "ordinary" guy. Bull fuckin shit to that, and Sony's marketing department must think we're fuckin retarded if they thought we would buy into that shit. Then again, the PSPGo is on the market, so I guess that confirms they do think that way. What ordinary man do you know looks that stereotypically good looking? More importantly, what ordinary man do you know takes on armed mercenaries....AND WINS!? The man's about as ordinary as Jean-Claude Van Dam on steroids, and upon retrospect that's not a bad idea for a game. Drake is super athletic, super handy with a gun, and super smart when it comes to fuckin lost civilizations. Ordinary he ain't. To Uncharted 2's credit, that was never really pointed out anywhere. That was Uncharted 1's fault for putting it on the box, but still...
Anyway, Nathan Drake just rubs me the wrong way. Part of the reason may be because he's so fuckin greedy and stupid! In the end, he saves the world (theoretically), but that's wasn't the original end-goal. All he wanted was the money, and after getting beat by the enemy...REPEATEDLY...he keeps coming back for more. Seriously, how many times can one person be cornered and forced to drop his weapon before he gets the fuckin point!? Count your losses and GO...THE FUCK...HOME! You vs a small army is usually a good indicator that what you're about to do isn't necessarily a good idea. If he was a hero, I could understand, but he's not, at least not until the end. Besides, the bad guy is an International criminal. I'm sure there are a lot of government officials who would like to know his fuckin whereabouts, and they probably would reward you handsomely for it (except Mexico). Drake is also too much of a smartass. Now, being a smartass isn't necessarily a bad thing (I'm one myself), but if you're not good at it, it becomes unbearable. Saying 'Oh great...' every time the enemy shows up is not witty my friend, and being witty is essential to being a smartass. Mr. Drake, you lack wit.
Gameplay has it's own share of annoyances, and the cover system seems like a good place to start. The game has that real sticky kind of cover where it takes fuckin forever to get unstuck. Like most games with a cover system, there's always that awkward period when you finally get unstuck that your player stands up, and then gets hit by a million bullets before finally moving. It's a real quick moment (half a second, maybe less), but fuckin annoying when you have maybe one hit point. Of course there's no way of knowing that because (by law apparently) all shooters have to have no health bar and regenerative health. I'm pretty sure that's not ordinary either! You can swiftly move from cover to cover like in Gears of Wars 2, but that's only in theory apparently. Whenever I tried, instead of Drake moving from pillar to pillar, he moved from one side of the pillar to another side OF THE SAME FUCKIN PILLAR, exposing me to lots of unhealthy gun fire. Thank you Naughty Dog for a completely useless application. Sometimes, it feels like guns don't pack enough punch. Maybe it was particular guns I was using, but either way, it shouldn't take a whole clip to take down an enemy...except for the juggernaut. I know they have armor, but c'mon. Uncharted also features a stealth element, and I like it basically because it's only an option...at least after you complete this asinine stealth mission, which sucks balls. You can't been seen or you'll fail, but you will be seen because you're just getting used to the fuckin controls! And why is this mandatory when stealth in the rest of the game is optional? I guess you want to train the player, but if he's not gonna use it, then what's the point? And why suck a long stage for it anyway? The graphics are downright awesome, and probably the best graphics ever on a console. That means you can't tell what's background wallpaper and what's something you can actually fuckin climb on. You won't know what you can climb on until you try and eventually fail because the rocks and shit on the wallpaper look exactly like the rocks and shit you can climb on. So, you'll spend a lot of time jumping up and dry humping invisible walls until you finally figure out where the fuck you were suppose to go. Shit, I don't remember having this problem with Prince of Persia or Tomb Raider. Then when you spend too much time fuckin around, the game tells you to press up on the d-pad to show you the way. Why couldn't I have this option earlier? You don't want to make it standard because players will abuse it (like Batman's detective mode) but I shouldn't have to wait 10 butt humping minutes for the game to help me either. I shouldn't even fuckin need it! Every once in a while, you'll run into a puzzle you have to solve, and that would be fun if the answer wasn't fuckin boldface told to me. Open up Nate's little book, and there you go. Yea, you can always not look at the book, but the little prompt that pops up almost always makes you anyway because subconsciously you're trained to press buttons that are prompted up on the screen. See why I hate quick time events? Thankfully, this game doesn't have any.
So, no. This is not a Game of the Year candidate in my book. It does nothing spectacular and feels too much like a Hollywood B movie, which obviously was the developers' goal. Everything you see was design to make this as cinematic as possible like a summer blockbuster you waste 8 dollars to go see in theaters (not counting the cost of popcorn). It looks cool, but doesn't provide much of a story. I never did follow the story, but that's mainly because I couldn't figure out why I should care. Maybe the first game would have help, but I don't that since it's been already established in my head the Drake is an idiotic douche, and therefore everybody is too by default, except Chloe who wanted to go home like a smart human being. But you know what? The game kept my interested till the end, it had a bunch of cool stuff you can do as seen in the videos above, and multiplayer was fun. If you have a PS3, get it. For those of you confused, the purpose here was to tell you why it's not game of the year material, not to scare you away from buying it.
Rating: Sweet
NOTE: I seriously don't see what the big fuzz is about. Tell me!
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