Bayonetta

Long ago, I said I was tired of seeing half naked women protagonists in my video games. It's not that I don't like boobs and ass; far from it. Whether real or digital, I can appreciate a good pair, and admittedly, I've done some stuff just to see said pair of digital boobs. So why complain? Well, as much as I like boobs and ass, I really hate cliches, and this is probably the oldest in any form of media. Take role playing games for example. Whose wearing the least amount of armor? The women, and yet we're suppose to believe that they're well covered despite the fact that her male counterpart is getting his ass handed to him while wearing nothing short of a Toyota car. Also, how am I suppose to take them seriously when dress like that? You mean to tell me that Miss Mary Cleavage over there is going to save the world, and do it while wearing a skin-tight bikini? Well that sounds like bullshit. Might as well let a stripper do your taxes. If you walked into a bank, and the woman behind the desk giving you banking advice was fully naked, would you take her advice or even listen to a word she say? Fuck no. And I just love the fact that these girls don't think twice about how inappropriate their wardrobe is for that occasion. I can keep going, but I'll save that for another post. After saying that, it's safe to assume I have a problem with Bayonetta, right? Well....no. I couldn't care less. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I fuckin love it, and don't know why. Maybe it's because she's British. Maybe because the premise behind her clothing is so wacky and out there, you have to like it to some extent. Maybe it's because unlike most under-dressed women who are expected to be taken seriously, Bayonetta doesn't give a fuck. She knows she's putting on a show, and she'll continue to do so. Or maybe, just maybe, she stars in one of the most kick ass games you can buy for your Xbox. No matter how she's dressed, Bayonetta is fuckin awesome, and can kick the ass of most action game characters, including Dante and his pussy counterpart Nero. She's automatically in my top 5 most badass people. (Master Chief, Wolverine, Ryu Hayabusa, Bayonetta, and Marcus Fenix).



I would just like to say that its time to stop with the God of War comparisons. I can see how people who don't play many games can make that judgment, but why are gameheads doing it? And it's not just Bayonetta. Almost every action game with blood in to gets compared it Kratos whether its warranted or not. Take a good look at Bayonetta and God of War. Both games couldn't be farther apart except for maybe a genre change. God of War is a great game, but not every game is trying to be like it, and that goes double for Darksiders (review coming soon). I heard people call it God of War mixed with Zelda, and although I see the Zelda comparisons, there is no God of War to be found as of yet (although the videos can trick you in believing otherwise). As for Bayonetta, I consider this game as the close cousin to Devil May Cry more than anything else, which is safe to say because the game director for Bayonetta worked on DMC4.

Another cliche I hate but will give a pass to Bayonetta is the amnesia angle. In the beginning, she wakes up after 200 years not knowing a damn thing....except she's a witch who can do kick ass shit, and she works for the legions of Inferno (this games version of Hell), which is why she kills angels. So, while kicking as much ass as possible, Bayonetta (along with the player) is discovering who she is and what happened to her. This cliche get a pass for 2 reasons. The first reason is that it doesn't seem like a cop out. A lot of writers use the amnesia angle simply because it's easy, but this game uses that for plot AND character development instead of just what the person did before losing their memory. The second reason is that after a while, you'll forget she even has amnesia. The game doesn't beat you over the head with the fact, and when it does remind you, it only makes you more curious, and then makes you want to play more to see why this person or thing is so important or why this person is such a dick and so on. It's almost as if the game itself doesn't really care. They tell you in the beginning she has amnesia, and then the plot device goes somewhere to take a nap, only to wake up periodically because it remembered it has a job to do. Then again, my account of this could be inaccurate because as I was playing, my attention focus less on Bayonetta and more on the world around her. Platinum games did a great job at crafting a universe around her and I found myself lost in the backstory between the Lumen sages and the Umbra witches. I would say more about the story, but this is something you need to experience for yourself, not to mention the fact that it gets real fuckin confusing if the story is told to you second handed.



Despite the story, what we're really here for is the combat, and this is where Bayonetta automatically jumps to top contender for Game of the Year for 2010 (yea, I'm predicting it already). Did you like Devil May Cry? This game shits all over that. The combos are elaborate as all hell, but you better know what you're doing, or else you'll get bitch-slapped repeatedly. This game tricked me in the beginning into thinking I can just go in and button mash as long as I can dodge the incoming attacks, and technically you can, but when surrounded by tough enemies, it's best to know the quickest way to kill them. Besides, you can't dodge everything (you can sure as hell try). But what makes this game so crazy isn't the combos or dodge system or increasingly difficult angels you have to kill; it's how she fights. How many people do you know can shoot guns with their feet? That's right; her FUCKIN FEET! She has a gun on each foot, and by default, that's 4 guns she's packing. If that wasn't enough, all her magical attacks (most which comes at the end of her combos) uses her hair. Crazy, but apparently not crazy enough. To completely throw this over the edge of sanity, her clothes are made up of her hair, so when she uses her magic, it leeches off of her clothing making her body more exposed. She's practically naked when she summons giant demon animals to kill the bosses, and I appreciate that. Nothing makes sense, but you won't care because it's so awesome. When you unlock new weapons, then things really open up. Now you're equip with more than just guns. There are swords, whips, claws, and even shotguns, and yes, you can equip the shotguns onto your feet (and it is awesome). Each weapon handles different, but still uses the same set of combos so you don't have to learn a new set of moves. Really, the only complaint I have about this game (besides the camera, which is common in almost every action game) this that there's no block button. You have the dodge, and it works really well (and if you do it right, you'll slow down time), but when shit hits the fan, I'd feel more comfortable blocking than dodging.

Go Japan!

There is no reason why not to get this game.

[Neil]: What if they're under 18?

Correction, there's one reason not to get this game.

[Neil]: What if the person is a woman who finds the portrayal of the main character offensive?

.....Then there's 2 reason why you shouldn't buy this game.

[Neil]: What if they don't like violence?

OKAY! Fine! 3 reasons. Other than that, you should really get this game. This is one of the best action games for Xbox360 and one of the few instances where it's worth the 60 bucks you spent. It's crazy, imaginative, sexy, and just downright fun. I mean, what's there to hate about it?

[Neil]: What about the depiction of religious entities as it's portrayed......

NEIL, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: I'm not saying strippers aren't smart enough to do your taxes. I'm just saying they shouldn't be your first choice. Ninjas on the other hand.....