This is the review I wrote for the Sonic Bash blog, which is now gone. However, I wanted to save this review since it's relevant to the site and the 'Worst Game' segment, and also because I put a lot of thought into this review (I usually just freestyle write my posts), making it my favorite. The review has been edited to make more sense (and to be funnier), and I've added a paragraph for Shadow seeing as how someone pointed out that I didn't really bash him at all. Hope you like the small changes made. If you haven't read it yet, here's your chance, and hopefully, you'll find it funny as well as informative. All right, let me shut up before I get too boring. In fact you probably should have skipped this paragraph. Ah well, too late now, BITCH!
Well, here it is. Allow me to introduce to you one of the worst and most disappointing Sonic game ever: Sonic the Hedgehog. Look at the title. It's the same as the original Sonic game for the Genesis. That sort of shit symbolizes a new beginning for a series. In fact, Sega had the fuckin audacity to state that, but 5 minutes into the game and you'll realized that Sonic Team hasn't learned a god damn thing from its failures in the other games. It's like that girl from the club that you fucked despite knowing she has a man. Your instincts told you not to mess with her, but you did it anyway because you're fuckin horny. You wake up the next day in her bed because, like a fuckin idiot, you thought it was a good idea to go to her place instead of yours, and now her boyfriend is knocking at the door. You hide somewhere waiting for an opportunity to sneak past this guy when you hear him asking her who's car is it near the place. Apparently, this happened before or else he wouldn't ask such a question. Of course it has. Did you really think you were her only one night stand? She can't be anything else but a slut. Anyway, you finally get your chance to get out, but then all of a sudden, the guy decides to turn back and head to your exact location. Now you run with your underwear on and the rest of your clothes held tightly in your arms. You may have dropped a shoe, but fuck it; you'll buy a new pair. You haul ass down to the street with the big burly manchild in hot pursuit and make it to your car where you jump in Dukes of Hazzard style, start it, and drive off just before the man can reach in to rip your colon out through your ear hole. Thinking the worst is over, you head home to take a cold shower, but before that you have to take a piss, and right in mid-pee you start feeling an intense burning sensation. Okay, maybe that was a bad analogy, but shut up; I'm trying to make a point here. As a Sonic fan, you can try to play this game while convincing yourself it's not that bad, but every time you deny the fact, it adds to that burning sensations.
....plants make sparks now?
The game is divided into 3 storylines, and right there, a red light turns on. What is up with Sega and separate storylines? Can't we just have one cohesive story to follow? I think they finally got the message in Sonic Unleashed, but I digress. Each story follows a hedgehog through their respective story arch. You'll control Sonic, Shadow, and Sliver as you try to complete each story. WAIT! Got another red light. I thought this was SONIC the hedgehog. Where did the other 2 come from? Shouldn't they have just called it the Hedgehogs? Makes more sense to me. And why another hedgehog? Can't we think of something else? What about a mongoose or a bearcat? OH, what about a land shark?
In Sonic's story, Robotnik (I'm not calling him Eggman) is trying to kidnap this princess for one of his schemes. Then again, that's what Sega tells us. For all we know, he could just be trying to get his little eggs to squirt, and he has an awkward way with women, but what the hell let's go with their version. Of course, it's up to Sonic to protect her because....that's how he rolls. During the whole story, she keeps getting kidnapped, and you have to keep saving her. It's like Sonic and Eggman....Oh shit I let it slip. Sorry. It's like Sonic and ROBOTNIK are constantly playing tug of war with the bitch, and the winner gets a princess with 2 broken arms. So, as Sonic, your goal is to run from point A to point B as fast as you can. That's always been the case with Sonic (as it should be), but Sega couldn't have fucked it up any worse if they programed the game with their toes and occasionally with their man-breast (no woman's breasts obviously; that would be sexual harassment). The controls are all over the place. It's a fuckin challenge just to make Sonic go straight. Despite that, making him turn sharply is an even bigger bitch. If you want to go an alternate route, you're better off coming to a stop than trying to turn into it. The camera man is clearly fuckin drunk because he can't keep the camera fuckin steady when Sonic makes a left turn, let alone follow through the whole map. The biggest sin this game commits...well actually second biggest (I'll explain later) is the fact that Sonic moves so fuckin slow. It's so painful to watch him move as if he's lightly jogging through a game that's supposed to be about FUCKIN RUNNING! This makes the Werehog look like a formula one race car. Okay, maybe not that slow. Once in a while you get to control one of Sonic friends. If you thought Sonic was slow, wait till you play as Tails and Knuckles. No exaggeration, it's walking speed. They're not even that fuckin useful. You usually use them to turn on all the panels to open a door (or some shit like that) and once you do, the game switches you back to Sonic. What's the point? Sonic can do that by himself. In fact, why even have that in the game? I'm supposed to be FUCKIN RUNNING! The load times are so fuckin atrocious in this game. It takes no less than 30 seconds ever time you go to a new area in the hub world. Oh, did I forget to mention there's a completely fuckin useless hub world?
Sonic the Arsonist
Shadow's story is...ummm...you know, I can't remember. I know he works for GUN and was on assignment, but I just can't remember shit. When I played this game and wrote the Sonic Bash version of this review, it was August 31/September 1, so it's been a while since I've looked at the game. Ah well; he didn't really seemed that important to the overall story anyway. You could have replaced him with a bar of soap and still get the same effect. Hell, the soap probably would have had more personality than Shadow, aka Captain Emo. As for gameplay, he pretty much plays exactly like Sonic with a few noticeable changes, mainly the vehicles. Sometimes, it's required (keyword: REQUIRED) for Shadow to get into a car and use it for an objective. For example: I had to use a 4x4 with missile (or rocket) launchers to destroy all the nodes to bring down a forcefield guarding the entrance to a base. So let me get this straight. So you're telling me that Shadow, the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, needs to use a fuckin car? You mean to tell me that Shadow, the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, needs a missile launcher? So I'm to believe that Shadow, the MOTHER FUCKIN ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, couldn't do what Sonic does on a daily basis with nothing but his own 2 fuckin feet? BULL...FUCKIN...SHIT! Shadow can control time itself. He's just as fast as Sonic. Hell, he could fire energy blasts with a finger DBZ style if he wanted to. So why the fuck would he need any type of vehicle or ordinance whatsoever? And if you're going to make him use this stuff, can you at least makes the controls functional? Yes, Shadow has help like Sonic, and yes, they suck too.
The Holy Trinity of SUCK
Silver is from a fucked up future where he and Blaze the Cat are constantly fighting a monster name Iblis, and this is where the Sonic canon gets fucked up:
In Sonic Rush for the DS, Blaze comes over from another dimension to find and defeat Robotnik Nega, but in this game she's from the future with Sliver. In Sonic Rivals for PSP, Sliver comes back from the past to find and defeat Eggman Ne....shit!...Robotnik Nega who is now also from the future. So does that mean that what was once thought to be another dimension is actually the future, or was there a mix-up when writing the stories for each game?
The answer is rather simple: nobody fuckin cares, and you're a fuckin loser if you actually think that's important in any way. Don't look at me like that. I just happened to noticed, all right?
Anyway, he is tricked by the main villain Mephilis to go to the past to stop Sonic by telling Silver that Sonic is the one who caused Iblis to arise. I knew I was in for shit....well, when I played through the first 2 stories, but even if I didn't, I knew this would suck when Amy ran into Silver thinking it was Sonic. REALLY AMY!? You know, for a girl madly in love, you'd think she would recognize who is and who isn't Sonic. A silver colored hedgehog who's fur on his head is shaped like a potleaf is clearly not Sonic. She did this shit to Shadow too in Sonic Adventure 2. No wonder Sonic wants nothing to do with her; what a dumb bitch. Silver plays very differently from the other 2. His doesn't run through the stages; instead he using psychic abilities to attack enemies and getting past obstacles at a normal platforming pace. Silver's gameplay sucks, but not because it feels broken like Sonic and Shadow. His psychic powers are never really used in numerous ways. All you do is make paths for you to get across gaps, pick up items to throw at enemies (which to my knowledge is the only way to attack), and bend girdles to use as springboards. That's it. With such limited options, Silver gets boring almost immediately, which is a shame because this actually had a lot of potential. He should be doing the kind of shit we've seen in Star Wars: the Force Unleashed. Like the other two, Silver also has friends, but unlike Sonic and Shadow, you'll feel like you've played most of the story with the help. The main one is Blaze who plays exactly like Sonic, and therefore sucks. Apparently, they figured since Sliver is slow, they'll make the player play as Blaze longer. So, instead of evolving Silver's powers until he is actually fun to play, they added more running. Well, if they felt it was necessary to do that (and I could be wrong, but chances are I'm not), why even add Silver in the first place? Why not just make it about Sonic and have him FUCKIN RUNNING!? All 3 campaigns suffer from bad level design, which falls somewhere between pretty shitty and porta potty shitty. Damn, do I have anything nice to say about this game?
.....wrong...as...hell...
You wanna know what's so wrong about that picture above? Do you really want to know? Fine. Throughout the story, the relationship between Sonic and the princess grows into something...ummm...intimate. Yes, the male hedgehog and the female human fall in love. I wish I was fuckin joking. There's one scene towards the end where Sonic gets killed by Mephilis (yea, I'm ruining the story; I don't care), and the princess, in her grief, kisses Sonic in the mouth and somehow brings him back to life. Then he transforms into Super Sonic and bla bla bla. First off, why are two beings of different species falling in love? Okay, maybe if Knuckles and Rouge got together, that would make sense, but they're both anthropomorphs. A human and an anthropomorph isn't acceptable. Second, she kissed Sonic in the fuckin mouth...while he was dead! She didn't really know her kiss would be him back to life. Now let me ask you something: what's worse? Is it the fact she made out with an animal or the fact she made out with a corpse? Well, it's dealer's choice, so pick your fuckin poison. Now THIS is like that girl from the club that you fucked despite knowing she has a man. Your instincts told you not to mess with her, but you did it anyway because you're fuckin horny. You wake up the next day in her bed because, like a fuckin idiot, you thought it was a good idea to go to her place instead of yours, and now her boyfriend is knocking at the door. You hide somewhere waiting for an opportunity to sneak past this guy when you hear him asking her who's car is it near the place. Apparently, this happened before or else he wouldn't ask such a question. Of course it has. Did you really think you her only one night stand? She can't be anything else but a slut. Anyway, you finally get your chance to get out, but then all of a sudden, the guy decides to turn back and head to your exact location. Now you run with your underwear on and the rest of your clothes held tightly in your arms. You may have dropped a shoe, but fuck it; you'll buy a new pair. You haul ass down to the street with the big burly manchild in hot pursuit and make it to your car where you jump in Dukes of Hazzard style, start it, and drive off just before the man can reach in to rip your colon out through your ear hole. Thinking the worst is over, you head home to take a cold shower, but before that you have to take a piss, and right in mid-pee you start feeling an intense burning sensation. For those of you who have been paying attention, you probably noticed that I never referred to the princess by name, and now you know why. What a sick bitch. For those of you who haven't...[CLAP] [CLAP] FOCUS!!
You know, I would run from Tails too
If Sonic is a dying franchise, then this game is the tumor the doctors found in its brain, and it's gonna take a hell of a lot of chemo to get rid of all the sick it left behind. Until I played Sonic R and Sonic the Fighters, I pointed to this game as the worst in the series. I literally cried from the pain of playing this shit. Really. Ask Neil. If someone said to you that you would have to play this or else your child dies....okay, that was going a little too far, but you get my point. I've played a shitload of Sonic games, so when I (and basically the whole gaming community) say a game is awful, you can depend on my word. FYI: the princess name is Elise. I just wanted to point that out just in case someone was thinking I didn't actually know her name. I know some of you were thinking it.
Rating: Red Rings of Death
NOTE: I blame Fox and it's 4kids block for making Sonic suck. Watch Sonic X and you will agree with me. It would have been better...with ninjas!
Well, here it is. Allow me to introduce to you one of the worst and most disappointing Sonic game ever: Sonic the Hedgehog. Look at the title. It's the same as the original Sonic game for the Genesis. That sort of shit symbolizes a new beginning for a series. In fact, Sega had the fuckin audacity to state that, but 5 minutes into the game and you'll realized that Sonic Team hasn't learned a god damn thing from its failures in the other games. It's like that girl from the club that you fucked despite knowing she has a man. Your instincts told you not to mess with her, but you did it anyway because you're fuckin horny. You wake up the next day in her bed because, like a fuckin idiot, you thought it was a good idea to go to her place instead of yours, and now her boyfriend is knocking at the door. You hide somewhere waiting for an opportunity to sneak past this guy when you hear him asking her who's car is it near the place. Apparently, this happened before or else he wouldn't ask such a question. Of course it has. Did you really think you were her only one night stand? She can't be anything else but a slut. Anyway, you finally get your chance to get out, but then all of a sudden, the guy decides to turn back and head to your exact location. Now you run with your underwear on and the rest of your clothes held tightly in your arms. You may have dropped a shoe, but fuck it; you'll buy a new pair. You haul ass down to the street with the big burly manchild in hot pursuit and make it to your car where you jump in Dukes of Hazzard style, start it, and drive off just before the man can reach in to rip your colon out through your ear hole. Thinking the worst is over, you head home to take a cold shower, but before that you have to take a piss, and right in mid-pee you start feeling an intense burning sensation. Okay, maybe that was a bad analogy, but shut up; I'm trying to make a point here. As a Sonic fan, you can try to play this game while convincing yourself it's not that bad, but every time you deny the fact, it adds to that burning sensations.
....plants make sparks now?The game is divided into 3 storylines, and right there, a red light turns on. What is up with Sega and separate storylines? Can't we just have one cohesive story to follow? I think they finally got the message in Sonic Unleashed, but I digress. Each story follows a hedgehog through their respective story arch. You'll control Sonic, Shadow, and Sliver as you try to complete each story. WAIT! Got another red light. I thought this was SONIC the hedgehog. Where did the other 2 come from? Shouldn't they have just called it the Hedgehogs? Makes more sense to me. And why another hedgehog? Can't we think of something else? What about a mongoose or a bearcat? OH, what about a land shark?
In Sonic's story, Robotnik (I'm not calling him Eggman) is trying to kidnap this princess for one of his schemes. Then again, that's what Sega tells us. For all we know, he could just be trying to get his little eggs to squirt, and he has an awkward way with women, but what the hell let's go with their version. Of course, it's up to Sonic to protect her because....that's how he rolls. During the whole story, she keeps getting kidnapped, and you have to keep saving her. It's like Sonic and Eggman....Oh shit I let it slip. Sorry. It's like Sonic and ROBOTNIK are constantly playing tug of war with the bitch, and the winner gets a princess with 2 broken arms. So, as Sonic, your goal is to run from point A to point B as fast as you can. That's always been the case with Sonic (as it should be), but Sega couldn't have fucked it up any worse if they programed the game with their toes and occasionally with their man-breast (no woman's breasts obviously; that would be sexual harassment). The controls are all over the place. It's a fuckin challenge just to make Sonic go straight. Despite that, making him turn sharply is an even bigger bitch. If you want to go an alternate route, you're better off coming to a stop than trying to turn into it. The camera man is clearly fuckin drunk because he can't keep the camera fuckin steady when Sonic makes a left turn, let alone follow through the whole map. The biggest sin this game commits...well actually second biggest (I'll explain later) is the fact that Sonic moves so fuckin slow. It's so painful to watch him move as if he's lightly jogging through a game that's supposed to be about FUCKIN RUNNING! This makes the Werehog look like a formula one race car. Okay, maybe not that slow. Once in a while you get to control one of Sonic friends. If you thought Sonic was slow, wait till you play as Tails and Knuckles. No exaggeration, it's walking speed. They're not even that fuckin useful. You usually use them to turn on all the panels to open a door (or some shit like that) and once you do, the game switches you back to Sonic. What's the point? Sonic can do that by himself. In fact, why even have that in the game? I'm supposed to be FUCKIN RUNNING! The load times are so fuckin atrocious in this game. It takes no less than 30 seconds ever time you go to a new area in the hub world. Oh, did I forget to mention there's a completely fuckin useless hub world?
Sonic the ArsonistShadow's story is...ummm...you know, I can't remember. I know he works for GUN and was on assignment, but I just can't remember shit. When I played this game and wrote the Sonic Bash version of this review, it was August 31/September 1, so it's been a while since I've looked at the game. Ah well; he didn't really seemed that important to the overall story anyway. You could have replaced him with a bar of soap and still get the same effect. Hell, the soap probably would have had more personality than Shadow, aka Captain Emo. As for gameplay, he pretty much plays exactly like Sonic with a few noticeable changes, mainly the vehicles. Sometimes, it's required (keyword: REQUIRED) for Shadow to get into a car and use it for an objective. For example: I had to use a 4x4 with missile (or rocket) launchers to destroy all the nodes to bring down a forcefield guarding the entrance to a base. So let me get this straight. So you're telling me that Shadow, the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, needs to use a fuckin car? You mean to tell me that Shadow, the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, needs a missile launcher? So I'm to believe that Shadow, the MOTHER FUCKIN ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, couldn't do what Sonic does on a daily basis with nothing but his own 2 fuckin feet? BULL...FUCKIN...SHIT! Shadow can control time itself. He's just as fast as Sonic. Hell, he could fire energy blasts with a finger DBZ style if he wanted to. So why the fuck would he need any type of vehicle or ordinance whatsoever? And if you're going to make him use this stuff, can you at least makes the controls functional? Yes, Shadow has help like Sonic, and yes, they suck too.
The Holy Trinity of SUCKSilver is from a fucked up future where he and Blaze the Cat are constantly fighting a monster name Iblis, and this is where the Sonic canon gets fucked up:
In Sonic Rush for the DS, Blaze comes over from another dimension to find and defeat Robotnik Nega, but in this game she's from the future with Sliver. In Sonic Rivals for PSP, Sliver comes back from the past to find and defeat Eggman Ne....shit!...Robotnik Nega who is now also from the future. So does that mean that what was once thought to be another dimension is actually the future, or was there a mix-up when writing the stories for each game?
The answer is rather simple: nobody fuckin cares, and you're a fuckin loser if you actually think that's important in any way. Don't look at me like that. I just happened to noticed, all right?
Anyway, he is tricked by the main villain Mephilis to go to the past to stop Sonic by telling Silver that Sonic is the one who caused Iblis to arise. I knew I was in for shit....well, when I played through the first 2 stories, but even if I didn't, I knew this would suck when Amy ran into Silver thinking it was Sonic. REALLY AMY!? You know, for a girl madly in love, you'd think she would recognize who is and who isn't Sonic. A silver colored hedgehog who's fur on his head is shaped like a potleaf is clearly not Sonic. She did this shit to Shadow too in Sonic Adventure 2. No wonder Sonic wants nothing to do with her; what a dumb bitch. Silver plays very differently from the other 2. His doesn't run through the stages; instead he using psychic abilities to attack enemies and getting past obstacles at a normal platforming pace. Silver's gameplay sucks, but not because it feels broken like Sonic and Shadow. His psychic powers are never really used in numerous ways. All you do is make paths for you to get across gaps, pick up items to throw at enemies (which to my knowledge is the only way to attack), and bend girdles to use as springboards. That's it. With such limited options, Silver gets boring almost immediately, which is a shame because this actually had a lot of potential. He should be doing the kind of shit we've seen in Star Wars: the Force Unleashed. Like the other two, Silver also has friends, but unlike Sonic and Shadow, you'll feel like you've played most of the story with the help. The main one is Blaze who plays exactly like Sonic, and therefore sucks. Apparently, they figured since Sliver is slow, they'll make the player play as Blaze longer. So, instead of evolving Silver's powers until he is actually fun to play, they added more running. Well, if they felt it was necessary to do that (and I could be wrong, but chances are I'm not), why even add Silver in the first place? Why not just make it about Sonic and have him FUCKIN RUNNING!? All 3 campaigns suffer from bad level design, which falls somewhere between pretty shitty and porta potty shitty. Damn, do I have anything nice to say about this game?
.....wrong...as...hell...You wanna know what's so wrong about that picture above? Do you really want to know? Fine. Throughout the story, the relationship between Sonic and the princess grows into something...ummm...intimate. Yes, the male hedgehog and the female human fall in love. I wish I was fuckin joking. There's one scene towards the end where Sonic gets killed by Mephilis (yea, I'm ruining the story; I don't care), and the princess, in her grief, kisses Sonic in the mouth and somehow brings him back to life. Then he transforms into Super Sonic and bla bla bla. First off, why are two beings of different species falling in love? Okay, maybe if Knuckles and Rouge got together, that would make sense, but they're both anthropomorphs. A human and an anthropomorph isn't acceptable. Second, she kissed Sonic in the fuckin mouth...while he was dead! She didn't really know her kiss would be him back to life. Now let me ask you something: what's worse? Is it the fact she made out with an animal or the fact she made out with a corpse? Well, it's dealer's choice, so pick your fuckin poison. Now THIS is like that girl from the club that you fucked despite knowing she has a man. Your instincts told you not to mess with her, but you did it anyway because you're fuckin horny. You wake up the next day in her bed because, like a fuckin idiot, you thought it was a good idea to go to her place instead of yours, and now her boyfriend is knocking at the door. You hide somewhere waiting for an opportunity to sneak past this guy when you hear him asking her who's car is it near the place. Apparently, this happened before or else he wouldn't ask such a question. Of course it has. Did you really think you her only one night stand? She can't be anything else but a slut. Anyway, you finally get your chance to get out, but then all of a sudden, the guy decides to turn back and head to your exact location. Now you run with your underwear on and the rest of your clothes held tightly in your arms. You may have dropped a shoe, but fuck it; you'll buy a new pair. You haul ass down to the street with the big burly manchild in hot pursuit and make it to your car where you jump in Dukes of Hazzard style, start it, and drive off just before the man can reach in to rip your colon out through your ear hole. Thinking the worst is over, you head home to take a cold shower, but before that you have to take a piss, and right in mid-pee you start feeling an intense burning sensation. For those of you who have been paying attention, you probably noticed that I never referred to the princess by name, and now you know why. What a sick bitch. For those of you who haven't...[CLAP] [CLAP] FOCUS!!
You know, I would run from Tails tooIf Sonic is a dying franchise, then this game is the tumor the doctors found in its brain, and it's gonna take a hell of a lot of chemo to get rid of all the sick it left behind. Until I played Sonic R and Sonic the Fighters, I pointed to this game as the worst in the series. I literally cried from the pain of playing this shit. Really. Ask Neil. If someone said to you that you would have to play this or else your child dies....okay, that was going a little too far, but you get my point. I've played a shitload of Sonic games, so when I (and basically the whole gaming community) say a game is awful, you can depend on my word. FYI: the princess name is Elise. I just wanted to point that out just in case someone was thinking I didn't actually know her name. I know some of you were thinking it.
Rating: Red Rings of Death
NOTE: I blame Fox and it's 4kids block for making Sonic suck. Watch Sonic X and you will agree with me. It would have been better...with ninjas!
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