Alpha Protocol

Remind me again to never do E3 coverage by myself again. I mean, I just did the bare minimum and I felt so tired afterward. Trying to sum up 4 days of coverage so that it stays a little bit interesting is not easy. Still, it was pretty awesome, and first the first time in a long time, I'm actually excited about the games to come, especially for the Wii of all systems. Now that I'm done with E3, I can finally get to playing games again. Sadly, the first game I played was Alpha Protocol, a game so broken I tried to return it to no avail. The game is filled with so many ideas, it could very be considered Mass Effect Jr., but it barely does anything right.

Let's get the combat out of the way: IT SUCKS! This action rpg doesn't really know how to pull off the action bits, and at this day and age how do you fuck it up? The AI is backwoods retarded and is incapable of pulling off the most simple tasks like lets say....shoot at you. During every firefight I've been in, someone suffering from a case of the dummies decides it's a good idea to run full speed at me right into the sights of my gun. Well gee thanks. For a minute there I thought I would have to TRY to you kill you. Speaking of guns, this and any other rpg that features guns that I've played (with the exception of Mass Effect 2 and Fallout 3) can't seem to do it right. I can understand leveling up your gun skills, but why does it affect the guns in general? You skills should not effect the damage points dealt. When I started using the assault rifle, it would take roughly 10 bullets to take down someone without body armor. That doesn't make any sense. Later in the game, after leveling up my rifle skills, I could take down heavily armored guys with 3 bullets. What the fuck!? Mind you, these are the bullets that hit. I'm not counting the ones that missed their target because my aim was shit. Also, I used the same rifle the whole game without using a single add-on. In Fallout 3, your level only affected your accuracy. A bullet to the forehead did the exact same damage no matter what level you were. Not so in this case. Also, what the fuck is up with headshots!? Headshots should fuckin kill, not do critical damage!! That fucker shouldn't be living anymore, let alone shooting at me! For example, I snuck into a base in order to plant a bug. When I needed to get by a patrol, I couldn't get in close to do a knife kill, so I decided to shoot the guy with my silenced pistol. After missing 7 fuckin shots, I managed to hit the guy in the back of the head. Did he die? No! He turned around, shot at me, and raised the alarm!! That's bullshit!!! Solid Snake is spinning in his grave right now. The pistol is fuckin useless in this game. It's never fuckin accurate, and you'd be an idiot to wanna level it up until it is, which leads to another problem. I can understand not being able to hit a guy's eyeball from a football field away, but if the guy you're playing as is supposed to be an elite operative, it shouldn't take a whole fuckin clip before I manage to graze his fuckin shoulder! The biggest fuckin tragedy - the one thing that send me over the edge - is how they treated the shotgun. Take all of the above problems and add the fact that it's a close range weapon, and you will have the biggest piece of bullshit in weapon history. Why, oh why, do I need to level up the shotgun!?  IT'S A CLOSE RANGE WEAPON; ANYBODY CAN USE IT!!! It should be a fuckin gimmie! And that's not the worst part. When you are close to someone, IT TAKES 5 FUCKIN SHOTS TO DROP THEM! IT'S A SHOTGUN!!! IT'S DESIGN TO ONLY NEED ONE SHOT!!! HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP!! I can't take it anymore!


You also have the option of stealth in this game, and I noticed a lot of people seem to take that route. I guess it make sense because it makes you seem more like a super agent. I, on the other hand, went with the run 'n' gun tactic because I figured using stealth would work to my disadvantage, and I was right. There are some missions where stealth isn't an option, and you can't use stealth during boss fights. So if you sunk all your stat points on stealth, you're pretty much SOL when those moments come up. With that said, taking the stealth route makes the game a hellava lot easier because of the retard AI I mentioned earlier. Raise your stats up enough and you're pretty much invisible, granting you to ability to kill someone who is fuckin standing right next to his partner. There are also lockpicking and hacking minigames which are okay at first, but gets annoying as the game goes on.

You know, The more I think about Alpha Protocol, the more I noticed the similarities between it and Mass Effect 1, problems and all. So what makes this a steaming pile of shit while Mass Effect is a marvelous game that should be played. Well, they don't fuck up the action so badly, but most importantly, Mass Effect has a rich and engaging universe. The main story was excellent, everyone had an interesting backstory which fleshed out their character, every place you visited had it's own story, and every conversation you had only added more to an already deep universe. The game made you care about everything you did and every decision you made. Alpha Protocol fails to do that. Everyone is dull, nobody feels important, and the overall plot, which is not bad, only feels like an excuse to go shoot somebody. Even your character, Michael Thornton, feels incredibly bland and uninteresting. You could pin that on me because of the choices I've made, but that doesn't excuse the rest of the cast. Some relationships aren't even built right. In one mission, I had to choose between saving a woman and stopping a bomb from going off. Well gee, seeing as how I met the woman only 2 hours ago and haven't established any real connection with her, it's not really that hard of a decision is it? Now point me to the bomb before I shoot you with my completely inaccurate gun. Speaking of choices, that seems to be the only thing this game does right. This is the first game that delivers on the promise that everything you do does have a consequence. Sometimes this means pissing off someone you could have potentially helped you or causing a base to add more security. Not every decision is that dramatic, but you won't know that at the time, forcing you to really think about what you wanna do. When in a conversation with somebody, you only have about a second to answer, and when you need important information (or when there's a gun to your face) you have to come up with the right answers. Conversations are also used to build relationships with people that can help (or hurt) you later on. Once those words fly out your mouth though, that's it. No do-overs. You're stuck with whatever decision you made....unless of course you go to the dashboard on your 360 or PS3. PC owners, you're SOL. They did screw up on one aspect. When talking to someone, the conversation wheel (the display that lets you choose your options) doesn't clearly let you know what you're gonna say. The options usually tell you HOW you are going to say it, not what you're going to say. You'll get options like professional, suave, aggressive, and shit like that, but with only a second to respond, sometimes you'll pick an option only to find out it means the opposite of what you meant. Damn, time to go back to the dashboard.


I'm in the closing paragraph and it just occurred to me that I didn't even explain the story. Well, you're a new member of Alpha Protocol, a group not listed by the government. You get sent out on a mission where the people in charge betray you and secretly works for a weapons company  who wants to start World War 3. Now rogue you have to compile all the evidence against them and bla bla bla. Take Splinter Cell Conviction, take out the dead daughter bit and replace it with Stark Industries before he went Iron Man and there's your story. And that's Alpha Protocol in a nutshell. It's a clusterfuck of ideas that might have actually work if the developers knew what the fuck they were doing.

Rating: Ass

NOTE: Why am I getting my ass kicked by some goth punk mute chick? Fuck this; I'm playing Blur.