Mass Effect 2

Oh god dammit Bioware, not again. You've already taken too much of my time with Dragon Age; now you've released the sequel to the most kick ass RPG I've ever played. How do you even find the time to do all of this? Ever tried juggling between two extensively long video games? Not easy. Luckily for me, Mass Effect 2 is a lot shorter then Dragon Age (everything is shorter than Dragon Age) so I was able to finish it, but this game is still huge and I can't do it alone. That's why I enlisted of the smartass Neil to help me review this. He hasn't done a review since Street Fighter 4 almost a year ago....damn. You ready to do this man?

[Neil]: Sooooo, you need my help to review a game a lot shorter than a game you did by yourself?

..........that's not the point.



You are Commander Shepard, the biggest bad-ass to have ever led a group of bad asses this side of space...and you are dead. At least, that's what the galaxy thinks. After being blown to hell with your ship, you're found by a private corporation, Cerberus. Yes, they do have a shady reputation, but you're Commander fuckin Shepard. If they crossed the line, your foot will cross their ass. Also, you..umm...kinda owe them for...you know...bringing you back to life, but still, ass whooping for all who cross you. Humans are disappearing, and Cerberus wants you, Commander bad-ass, to find out why and whoop some ass. But it's not just you out there putting your ass on the line. It's mainly you, but there are others there to help you. Bioware has added a lot of personality to the supporting cast, and for once, I actually give a damn about the people around me.

[Neil] Now when a sequel comes out, you gotta come correct when it comes to presentation. Mass Effect 2 did not disappoint…mostly. Let’s start with the good. Just like the first game, the Normandy is extremely detailed with all the bells and whistles. What really stands out are the loading screens. Yes, the loading screens. These shots kick ass!! Shit moves! In the first one all you had was that blue sphere thing from the mass relay point. Now, there’s other stuff. I can’t remember all the stuff but trust me there a lot of it. Also, each planet that you are able to land on looks completely different from any other one. Why is this good? If you’re asking that you should be slapped. (Kevin get on that). Being unique is what makes an RPG great. Actually that’s a rule in most games. DON’T BE FUCKIN GENERIC!!! Even the NPCs on each planet are different. To go into that much detail on an American RPG? That’s just…awesome.



If you remember from my Dragon Age review, I said Mass Effect 1 was damn near broken, and it was. Sometimes people glitched through walls, people would disappear, textures wouldn't appear when the game boots up from a save file (like in Gears 2 when multiplayer starts), and sometimes the game will just crash forcing you to restart. Not really a problem in ME2. Everything runs smoothly while improving the graphics, and thank christ that the texture doesn't fuckin disappears anymore. It's still not perfect though. There are still instances where people would get stuck in the environment or the audio would drop when turned from someone. There's also been some claims that the game still crashes, but I've been playing for days, and it's hasn't happened yet.



[Neil] If you played the first game, welcome back. The buttons and control are basically the same. There is one catch though. Each different class has a special ability. Soldiers can slow down time for a few seconds. If you’re like me and adore putting bullets in stuff, then this is the class for you. Every weapon is at your disposal and all of them hurt…sweet. I also tried the vanguard class. This is for the shotgun enthusiast, like Kevin. The charge attack kicks ass, but if u don’t like close range combat, don’t bother. The other classes have nice moves too, just haven’t tried the out yet. Notice I said “yet.” There is so much replay value in this. The morale system can give alternate endings which means something different can happen each time. Sweet!!



All the stuff that didn't work in the first game is gone. It's good to see all the crap I had to put up with in the first game got cut out. I see Bioware has received my hate mail. The mako drove like shit float on a river of shit towards the shittyfall and that....and then....Ugh I'm out of shit references. Well, it's good not to drive that again. In fact, you don't drive anything at all. It's better that way. All the confusing weapon and armor customization is gone as well. Now weapon upgrades that don't need to be bought apply automatically to you and your whole crew, eliminating the need to micromanage. That also means that there's little customization and no looting. In other words, if you're a fan of Borderlands, don't expect the same shit. The result is a more action pack game where shit hits the fan, and it's hell in the hole. With a lot of RPG elements gone, some might say it's no longer a role playing game, but I say fuck that! This is more than a RPG than most, especially JRPGs. Not only do you play a role (something JRPGs can't seem to fuckin grasp), but you're very invested in your character because he or she is everything you make him/her out to be. Your decisions hold weight, and some of the most trivial shit can come back to bite you on the ass. In other words, you runs shit; you're not just along for the ride. Speaking of running shit, if you import your ME1 file to ME2, you'll see the results of all the decisions you made in ME1. It really makes you stop and think before you just respond to a situation. Before I knew ME2 was coming out, I just picked any old answer, most decided through a flip of a coin. Now when I play ME2, I stop and go "How will this bite me in the ass later?" That is awesome.



And now onto the subject of sex. Neil if you would...

[Neil] There isn't any. Get over it.

Thank you Neil. Yes, there's no actual sex scenes in this game. You can still get laid in the game, you just won't see it. Now if you're upset by that...

[Neil] You're a fuckin loser.

Thanks again. I believe though that Bioware should make it their business to eliminate sex from their games for now on for the sole purpose of pissing off the internet dweeds on forums now n' days. I went to 2 forums recently to find info on a mini-nuke launcher (OMFG that just sounds fuckin awesome), and I see 3 pages of heated discussion about the lack of sex scenes. Now, I played to make several jokes on the subject (4 of them were lesbian jokes), but after seeing that sad display, I'm instead gonna make a plea to the folks at Bioware: please no more sex scenes. Look at all the annoyance it's causing. If anything, don't give these animals ammo.

[Neil] Make them quit cold turkey.

Quite.

[Neil] But while we're on the subject, Kelly goes both ways...so have at it.

Really? Hmmm....fuck did I do with that game?

Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Rings of Death

[Neil] You know, we forgot to do a closing paragraph.

Oh shit, you're right. Ummm......Mass Effect 2 is one of those games you can't put down. I've have lost sleep, meals, bathroom breaks, and showed up late for work just because of the addictive nature of this game. Pick this one up. You owe it to yourself, especially after you moved that couch for your buddy. Treat yourself...to awesome.

[Neil] You also forgot to do your NOTE thing.

FUUUUCK!

NOTE: How did you like the top ten ninja list? I bet you didn't even know there were 10 ninjas in 360's history.