Assassin's Creed 2

All right! No more side-quests. Time to get back to doing what I do best, and that's game reviews. Now, you probably already own this game and know how badass it is, but that's just gives me more reason to talk about it. Now I don't have to hold back, or explain too much of the shit to you (sweeeeeet). If the unlikely event you haven't played it yet, go steal 60 bucks and go get it. Come back when you buy it. We'll wait. Trust me. We won't start without you.

.......is he gone? Sweet.

The story is probably the weakest point of the game seeing as how it's fuckin hard to keep up, especially if you take too long a break from playing it. All I know is that the men in Ezio's family got owned, and he wants revenge. There's also some bit about ancient artifacts...and an apple, but fuck it. You need fuckin cliffnotes to make any sense of it, but who cares really? I just wanna stab someone, preferably in the throat. As for Desmond, why do they insist on making him relevant? Will this lead to Assassin's Creed 3 being in New York or some shit? Actually, that's not such a bad idea. It'll be like Splinter Cell....and Spider-Man. Anyway, after 2 games, I honestly don't give two shits about Desmond or his frog faced assbag of a love interest as it just delays me from stabbing people. The stories of Altair and Ezio can stand on their own. The fuck do we need Desmond for?

Almost all the annoying bullshit from the first game is gone, which is great because if I have to ease-drop on one more fuckin conversation, I'm going on a mass homicide tirade (in the game of course). Instead of doing retarded tasks to get info, the game following a linear path similar...well, exactly like Grand Theft Auto. This is good if you want to get through the story without any deviations, and it allows you to do side stuff when you want to and not when forced upon you. Another big complaint from the last game is tha Altair couldn't swim, which sucked. Thankfully, Momma Ezio give Jr take some swimming classes, and now falling into the water is not only safe, it's encouraged. You can also perform new stealth kills from different positions, which makes it more fun to murder, and (depending where you are) makes it easier to go unseen. I like stabbing people from underwater. My favorite change is that now it's not so fuckin hard to keep a low profile. In the first game, move any faster than a brisk walk and suddenly you're being chased by armed guards who apparently has something against people who have to get somewhere in a hurry. Maybe their king was killed in a freak running accident; the fuck do I know? In AC2, you pretty much have to stab someone right in front of a guard to get their attention, which I normally DO. Other than that, it's the Assassin's Creed we all know and killed.



There are still some issues that keep this from winning an award (has been nominated 3 times...that's something). Remember those fun loving leopards and beggar women who kept getting in your way until you could no longer suppressed the urge to stab...right in front of everyone? Now they take the form of street musicians who get in your face to sing you a song. What the song is about I don't know because I immediately stab them before they can get a verse out. Of course, you desynchronize if you kill civilians, which leads to my next problem. Why can't I just stab who I want? Let me have my fun, dammit! In the next game, you should play as Jack the Ripper. That would be kinda awesome. You can kill prostitutes as a diversion to kill important people. Hey, maybe those prostitutes WERE important people. Just throwing it out there. OH! Fuck that. You should be a ninja in the next game. Wouldn't be great if......sorry; lost my train of thought. Battle is still slow and boring and still mainly involves me just countering beacause every other strategy is pointless. You can run up shit like the wind, but fight like you got bombs taped to your balls, and too much movement will make them explode (also a good idea for AC3 when used on enemies). I heard people complain that it's too easy, which is true, but given that it's 15 hours straight through, it might have been for the best. Or maybe it's because we're just awesome assassins.

Raise your hand if you think Assassin's Creed 2 kicks ass? How many hands it that? Keep them up; I need to count. 1, 2, 3.....16....23.....if your hand is actually up at this point, your an idiot, but thanks for playing along anyway. There's a reason why I nominated this game 3 times, and it's because it's just all around fun. If you........

Oh hey, you're back. No, we didn't start yet; we've been waiting for you to get back like we said we would. Got the game I see. Well, let me start off by saying...

Whoops. Out of Time. Gotta go.


NOTE: The average man's Xbox website does not advocate randomly stabbing people, including prostitutes....unless, of course, you're a ninja.