Spotlight #1

Sonic the Hedgehog

Remember when Nintendo ruled the planet? There wasn't a single person alive who wasn't playing Mario. Yes, Nintendo was sitting high and mighty on top of its throne, looking down at the video game kingdom with content (just like right now, kinda). It seemed that none could challenge Nintendo and the beast they created in Mario, but then Sega arrives with a new weapon to combat Mario and his fat, creature stomping, no princess ass getting overalls. Yea, that last part didn't make sense, but anyway. They created Sonic the Hedgehog, and nobody has seen anything like it. It was Awesome! Using blast processing (whatever the fuck that means), Sega was able to create a game that moved faster than any other game at the time. You would think that kind of thing would be reserved for something like racing, but no; they picked platforming. It like someone said "Hey, let's make a game like Mario, but moves really fast and has loop de loops. Trust me, the kids will shit their pants." And shit our pants we did. What's not to love? The music kicked ass, the level design kicked ass, the gameplay kicked ass, and the hero was so likable and unexpected. I mean, who associates hedgehogs with speed? In fact, who the fuck knew hedgehogs existed before this game? As more games were produced, it was clear that Sonic was a mother fuckin force to be reckoned with, but sadly, around the Playstation/ Saturn/N64 years, Sonic hit a brick wall even he couldn't spin dash though: 3D. I'm going to assume everyone knows the hotness that was the early Sonic games, so in my first installment of Spotlight, we (as in 'me') will talk about the constant failure that is Sonic in the 3rd dimension.

Sonic has appeared in a number of 3D games for the Saturn, but nobody played them. Most of them were never released outside of Japan, or they didn't finish making them. The ones that did come out (Sonic Jam and Sonic R) were never played because no one own a fuckin Saturn. Hell no, not with PlayStation and N64 out. Although the first official 3D Sonic was Sonic 3D Blast, the first TRUE 3D Sonic game didn't come out till 1999. The Dreamcast has just been released, and on launch day we were treated to Sonic Adventure: Sonic running in 3 dimensions. It even had other characters you can play as. Some old and some new. At the time, because I was such a huge Sonic fan, I thought it was the most awesome thing to be put in disc form. Of course, I was blind to the shit that was in that game, but that will explained in a bit. In 2001, Sonic Adventure 2 was released, and suddenly things didn't seem so cool. This game didn't take one step back. Hell, it didn't even take 5 steps back. In order to measure the steps this game took back, you need to go on a fuckin road trip cross country. Let's go in depth. The gameplay was split into 3 modes. One mode was running, the other was shooting, and the third was finding gems. Think about what I just said: shooting and finding gems. Do those sound like something that belong in a Sonic game? Fuck no. To makes things worst, those modes were boring as all hell. See, when you play as Knuckles or Rouge the Bat, you're in this area to freely roam wherever you please. Think of it as open world gameplay, except the area is a lot smaller. You spend your time looking for pieces of the Master Emerald so you can put it back together. It's soooooooo boring. All you do is look around for shards. Why? Why why why!? These aren't segments you could save for later either. You had to do this if you wanted the next Sonic stage. Seriously, I spent nearly an hour looking for one piece. Really, just ONE FUCKIN PIECE! That's not the end of the problems; oh no, not by a long shot. The levels were so unimaginative and bland. I feel like they purposely TRIED to make shitty levels. The controls were loose like a 2 dollar hooker, and the camera is so shit, I'd swear it was fuckin with me the whole time. The music was terrible, which surprised me because the Genesis games had awesome music (I even downloaded the soundtrack). The voice acting was god fuckin awful to the point where you wanted to slap anybody who looked at you with 2 eyeballs. The thing that really pissed me off was the story. It introduced Shadow the Hedgehog to the world in the weirdest way possible. Shadow was created 50 years ago as an attempt to create the ultimate life form. Okay, then explain this: HOW THE FUCK DID THEY WIND UP WITH A HEDGEHOG!? Were dragons unavailable? What the fuck? And here's the kicker: change the color of his fur to blue, and he's a fuckin clone of Sonic. It's like someone kidnapped Sonic, and then dumped him in a pool of emo. In that case, if Shadow is the ultimate life form, what the fuck does that make Sonic? Just when things couldn't get more confusing, the final boss appear, a giant lizard that is said to be the ultimate life form. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS SHADOW!? OH MY GOD! Let's just move on.

See? Same fuckin guy!

After Sega quit the console making business and stuck strictly to games, they remade the 2 Sonic Adventure games for GameCube and the first one for PC. I didn't want to be caught dead with SA2 again, so I decided to download SA for PC. The minute I booted it up, the flaws I missed the first time around out of excitement became perfectly clear to me. The controls were good for their time, but still too loose, and the camera messed up in spots. It was understandable the first time around, but since this is a remake, you would think some fuckin changes would be made. The music and voice acting were terrible, AGAIN, but it was more tolerable than SA2. Sonic Adventure divided the story into 6 parts, one for each character, and each character contributes to the story in some way, which is kinda impressive. You play as Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy, Gamma, and Big. Sonic stages were fun, like they were supposed to be. Tails' stages were basically racing Sonic to the finish line. That too wasn't bad. Then things go way the fuck off course, and it's these fuck ups that lead to the mess that was Sonic Adventure 2. Knuckles has you looking for the shards. It was a dumb idea, but at least it was more manageable. SA2 gave you stupid ass hints that didn't help much at all. In SA, glowing dots points the way for you if you touch them. Easy, right? Well, if that's the case, why even bother having it in the fuckin game? Then there was Amy's part, and this is the first time most people were introduced to her. The hardcore fans know that her first appearance was actually on Sonic CD for Sega CD, and we like her better then. She wasn't so fuckin annoying. Anyway, in SA, she's walking down the street (and this cutscene even makes a reference to Sonic CD if you pay close attention...and played Sonic CD) when some robot starts chasing after her and some bird she found. So her stages are setup like this: make it to the end of the stage and avoid the robot. It's like cute and cuddlely fused with Resident Evil Nemesis and suffered head trauma through the fusion process. What makes this so painful is that she moves so fuckin slow. What the fuck? I thought this was a Sonic game; why the fuck is she moving like she got a dildo up your ass (no fanart please)? If I was being chased, I would get my shit in gear and haul ass. Not Amy. She just lightly jogs away from danger. I needed therapy after that shit. Then there's Big the Cat who fishes.....yea. The last part was the robot Gamma who shoots stuff. It was fine, but didn't fit with the game. Then again, they had fishing, so what the fuck do I know. After those 2 remakes, Sega would finally release a brand new Sonic game, and it was released on all systems. Now, it was Xbox owners' turn.

How do you think this will turn out?

Sonic made his debut on the Xbox in 2004, and it featured 3 persons team based gameplay. One person was speed, one was flight, and the other was power. You use their specific skills to get past obstacles. You'd expect this game to be a piece of crap, right? Well, it was actually good. In fact, I consider it the only good 3D Sonic game unless you count Sonic Riders for PSP. The speed was there, the level design was nice, the team based gameplay felt necessary, the goal is simple (reach the goal), special stages came back, and all and all, ALMOST everything seems to fit....kinda. There were still some problems that made me cringe. The controls were soooo loose, I fell off the edge a lot simply by trying to make a turn. The camera is at it's worst in this game, forcing me to stop to readjust it. I'm starting to think the cameraman has ADD or something. Every time I enter a new area, the camera would go "OOO a butterfly!" and look the other way as I died. Asshole. When they released the PC version, the camera was a little better, but still a pain in the ass. The music could possibly be the worst I've ever heard in any video game EVER! The voice acting wasn't as bad as before, but the lines they were given were so bad. "Let's show him the real power of teamwork!" "We can win with the power of teamwork! YEA!" WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!? IS SONIC SPONSOR BY NICK JR. NOW!? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT!? I need a beer. Despite this, Sonic seemed to be heading in the right, and if that's true, then the next game was a complete fuckin U-Turn.

I gotta admit, that picture is badass

Yes, Shadow the Hedgehog got his own game, and it played liked shit. Everything that made Sonic Heroes good is now bad, and what was bad is now worse. Even the mission structure is retarded. Each stage has 3 missions, and what mission you wanted to complete depends on whether or not you want to be good, bad, or neutral. Missions are usually about collecting something or destroying things. Why? Why am I doing this in a game about fuckin running!? It forces me to slow down, and I don't like that one bit. I admit that this isn't technically a Sonic game, so it can open up for more ideas, but just like Sonic, Shadow is built for speed, SO LET HIM FUCKIN RUN!! Why are there cars? I don't need them. He fuckin faster than they are. Why does he have a gun? SERIOUSLY, WHY DOES HE HAVE A GUN!? The idea of him holding a gun seemed badass at the time, but damn, that shit did not work out. This game was such a mess. Then, Sonic Riders came out a few months later. It was Sonic...on hoverboards...let's move on. After the shitstorm that was Shadow and Sonic Riders, You'd think it would be over. You would think the move on to the next gen console Xbox 360 would be a great thing for the series. Sonic the Hedgehog came out for 360, and judging from the title, it seemed like a new beginning for Sonic. When you actually play it, however, you feel the need to kill yourself. This game can be politely described as the worst Sonic game ever, and best described as BULLSHIT BANANA BUTTRAPE! You would think they would have learned from their mistakes on Shadow the Hedgehog, BUT THEY DIDN'T LEARN A GOD DAMN THING! Why is Sonic running slower? That's right, SLOWER! Why is Shadow STILL using vehicles? Who the fuck is Silver the Hedgehog? In fact, why make another hedgehog? The worst part of this game, THE ABSOLUTE WORST PART, was the relationship developing between Sonic and a human girl.....I'm gonna let that marinate in your mind for a bit..............grossed out yet? This game was herpes in disc form, and the point where most people pretty much gave up on Sonic. When Sonic Unleashed came out, nobody cared. It was Sonic, and therefore must suck. Then Sega released video of the running stages, and people were stunned. Could it be they finally got it right? Then they introduced the Werehog.......yea. Everyone gave up again before the game was even released. Read my review if you want to know about it.

Sonic, We need to talk about my contract.

If Sonic is so awful, why does he keep coming back? Because every game he makes sells over a million copies. Why? Because he's Sonic. The only person in video games more loved than him is Mario. Every time he fucks up, we're quick to give him another chances. He's also popular with the kids. Seriously though, how do little kids know about the awesomeness of Sonic? Did they play their parents' Genesis? Anyway, Sonic has such a strong sub-culture, there's no way he's going nowhere. He has cartoons, comics, songs, and even porn.....yea....google it. You're gonna be mad at me when you do. Tune in next time when we shine our spotlight on another figure of Xbox.


NOTE: Seeeeggaaaaaaa!