New List

Someone suggested to me that Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 should be on the list. Good point. So I'm added it to the list. I'm also added Sonic even though I haven't done the review yet.

9. Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad
8. Sonic Unleashed
7. Dead or Alive Xtreme 2
6. Sonic the Hedgehog
5. X-Blades
4. Pimp My Ride
3. Bomberman: Act Zero
2. Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust
1. Vampire Rain

Keep in mind that games directed to little kids do not count since they generally suck to begin with. Besides, as long as they're happy (and quiet) then I'm happy.

Vampire Rain (W)

Oh my god. This is it. I found it. This has to be the absolute worst game for the Xbox360. Never have I played a game so bad, that I felt such strong physical pain before. Seriously...OW. To be completely honest, I didn't get far into the game because it was so bad, I couldn't play it anymore. Despite this, I still had a review to do, so I gave the game to 2 avid gamer friends of mine and asked them to give me feedback on this shit. For some reason, they don't want their names attached to this review. Maybe it's because they don't want to be attached to this piece of shit. Maybe it's because they knew I would misquote them and call them names. Either way, I thank them for what they done for me. Now, here's our review of the game that beat out Leisure Suit Larry for the top spot of worst.

Sam Fisher?

The game starts off with a poorly, POORLY, acted screen with a commander and his assistant talking about the increasing vampire problem. It's this scene where you hear this line:

"We were suppose to be the country's watchdog. Well, this watchdog grew some teeth, and it's time to bite back."

......moving on...

So, basically you play as Lloyd who's job it is to get rid of these bastards. How do you do it? By sneaking past them. Yep, this is a stealth game, and a game where you sneak past vampires is suppose to be pretty freakin sweet (I don't really like stealth games, but the other guys do), but they couldn't fuck it up worst, but I digress. The story is bad, the acting is bad, the dialog is bad, your sister's cooch is bad; everything is bad.

I'll show you who's taillight is busted

You know in the old Metal Gear Solid games, there was a radar telling you where the enemies were? Well, this game has it too, but nothing will show up. I was wondering what was the fuckin point of the map if it didn't tell me where the enemies were, but then I found out about the Necrovision. You use your goggles to see if anybody in the area is a vampire or human. If you scan a vampire, then it shows on the radar. It's a fuckin hassle to stop every 5 minutes to put on the goggles to see if it's friend or foe just so they appear on radar. Why not just have them on the fuckin radar to begin with!? And why the fuck are there humans on the street? Don't they know there are vampires? Anyway once you do that, then you can start sneaking around. Now, what's one important aspect of stealth games that is vital? It's freedom of movement. Does this game have that? Of course not. It's a shitty game. The game is very specific on where you have to go, and if you try something else, then expect to hit dead ends and have vampire teeth up your ass. Does the game tell you where to go or at least leave some clues? No; that would be the smart thing to do. Instead you have to find out through trial and error, and in a stealth game, that leads to a shitload on death. What the fuck were they thinking?

The only time a gun is useful.

So, what do you do if a vampire spots you? You die. You will always die. The guns you carry around are nothing more than a cocktease because they don't do shit against the vampires. I unloaded a whole clip of my sub-machine gun into one of these bastards, and he still killed me, IN 2 HITS! Can you run? Fuck no. Vampires are much faster than you. Plus, you will have to deal with sticky controls, so even if you could run, you will fuck it up and die. If a nightwalker spots you, just rest the control down and wait for the retry screen because there aint a damn thing you can do about. In good stealth games, you could at least defend yourself to some extent, and if you couldn't do that, you could always run. Vampire Rain basically gives the middle finger to players and says "Tough shit. You shouldof never got seen." This game is pure agony in disc form, and if you bought this, I wouldn't blame you for killing yourself.

Rating: Red Rings of Death (TWICE!)

Well, that might be the worst game for Xbox360, period. That's good. It means I won't have to review Sonic the Hedgehog or Too Human because I know for a fact this is worse. I know some people were looking forward to see me bash Sonic again, so I'll tell you what. I'll still do the review for Sonic the Hedgehog on 360. It's not over yet. There is still one game left that may be the worst game yet. Until then, here's the list from bad to worse.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad
Sonic Unleashed
X-Blades
Pimp My Ride
Bomberman: Act Zero
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust
Vampire Rain

NOTE: That new Batman game is awesome. The review is coming soon.

Transformers 2: Quickie

I told myself I wouldn't do another quickie after the Godfather 2 review, but I don't have much to say about this game. All you do is shoot other robots. You can choose to do the Autobots or Decepticons' campaign, but the game is still the same: shoot everyone or protect something by shooting everyone. Despite the complete lack of gameplay variety, it's not really that bad. If you go into it with the mindset that is just a bunch of robots fighting, you might find it initially enjoyable. The downside is it gets old quick, but that's okay because the game isn't that long to begin with. Actually, that's not okay seeing as how the game is 60 fuckin bucks. As for transforming, I found it fuckin useless. With the exception of the tutorial stage and the ocean stages, I never had to transform once. While we're on the subject, who's fuckin idea was it to make the fire button and the transform button THE SAME FUCKIN BUTTON! You have to hold LT while pressing RT to fire, but if you forget, then RT will transform you. If you do wanna transform, you have to hold down the RT to stay transformed. You can't stop the vehicles either; RT is also your accelerator. So, if you let go of the RT to try and stop, you'll transform back to your robot state. What a load of shit. Other than that, it's an okay game to entertain the kids with.

Rating: Meh

NOTE: Are you fuckin happy now Travis? I reviewed the fuckin game.

'Splosion Man (XBLA)

What is the best way to solve any situation? You make something explode. Someone parked in your parking space? Boom! Need to remodel your kitchen? Blammo! Someone owes you 50 buck, so you go to his house to demand your money back, but he acts like he's not home despite the fact that his car is clearly in the driveway so he must be home, so you call his cell to see if he picks up, and when he doesn't you leave a message on his answering message saying if you don't get your money back there will be trouble, but he doesn't contact you back even though he was just talking to your girlfriend on facebook, so now you have to get back, but don't know how? 'Splode! If you think that would make a great video game, then you think exactly like the guys at Twisted Pixel, creators of 'SPLOSION MAAAAAN (hmm hmm hmmmm). This game is funny, addictive, original, simple, and bottom line, fuckin awesome.

I make thing go boom!

You control a man who is basically walking napalm, set to explode whenever he chooses without hurting him. Clearly, he's an experiment gone in a lab in the middle of who gives a fuck. Your job is to make it to the end of each level. Simple. Kinda. Maybe. In terms of story, you're not gonna find any here, but that's okay. This kind of game isn't meant to have one. It would only ruin the charm of it. Speaking of charm, this game is so devilishly innocent looking. Even when you blow up scientists, there's no real death to be seen. They turn into meat products like ribs and hamhocks (and maybe a veal). Even 'SPLOSION MAAAAN (hmm hmm hmmmmm) doesn't look all that threatening himself despite being a walking forest fire. I guess what I'm saying is the visual presentation makes the game more fun.

To play 'SPLOSION MAAAAN (hmm hmm hmmmmm), you move with the left stick and...well, explode with everything else. Seriously. You do everything by exploding. To jump, you explode. To kill scientist, you explode. To flip switch, you explode. To slow your fall, you explode. To order pizza, you explode. To wipe your ass, you explode. Really, you only have 2 options here: to explode or not to explode, and more often than not, you're not gonna pick the second option. The control scheme is so simple, there's no way you can fuck it up. Does that make the game easy. Fuck no. Like N+, this game gets brutal as you progress. Trying to figure out how to get through certain spots is basically trial and error, and sometimes it can get annoying. When you die a certain amount of times, a box appears telling you you can skip over to the next level. I wish you can turn that option off because I'm not skipping the level; you feel defeated that way, and I'm not gonna let a video game beat me!

[Neil]: Ninja Gaiden and N+

.......okay, I'm gonna let ANOTHER game beat me. If 'sploding by yourself gets boring, you can always bang with a friend (not to be confused with 'bang a friend') in 50 co-op levels. Good luck trying to coordinate that shit. You have to time your 'splosions to get through obstacles, and that can be a bitch when playing with someone who can follow simple fuckin directions.

[Neil]: Don't look at me like that. I just got the damn game.

We grilling tonight

'SPLOSION MAAAAN (hmm hmm hmmmm) is a great puzzle game, I recommend everyone to get it, especially if you like N+. It replaces Battlefield 1943 as the best XBLA game on the market (don't bug me about Shadow Complex; it's not better). It's 10 dollars, so go download it now. If you don't have the internet, steal your friend's hard drive. He won't know.

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: Please tell me you got that Trojan Man reference.

Onechanbara (W) (STS)

Wow. I didn't think I would have to touch this game. Back when I did my STS segment, I left this out because I couldn't continue to play shitty games anymore. Now that I'm actively looking for shit, we come to it again. So, how is Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad? Well, besides having a name so long I couldn't fit it in the title, OneSantaBarbra isn't as bad as all the critics made it sound. Don't get me worng; it's still a steaming pile of shit that been left out in the sun all day to cook, but it's not the worst. Damn Larry, is there any game that can remove you from that spot?

....Boobs...again...

What's the story like? I have no freakin clue. I can't make sense of the story. I found out this is the third game in the series, so I guess you need to play the first two to get the back story. If that's the case, then why release this one to the states and not the others? Well, whatever. Let's just get to gameplay. Remember how to play Turtles in Time? It's just like that. You press X until you're bored, then press X until you're even more bored. You can get through most of the game by pressing nothing but X. The boss fights are a bit more complicated, but you get my point. Onechanbarberchair seems like the kind of game where you can really open up on a crowd with massive combos, but it doesn't. The enemies are piss easy. They don't go down easy (they're zombies by the way), but they don't necessarily attack you with great urgency either. So, you spend most of the game hacking through legions of the undead. Sounds like fun. Should be fun. Just not fun. Onechewbaca has one interesting feature. The women absorb the zombie blood into their skin. When they absorb enough, they transform into crazy bitches that are faster and deal more damage. In this mode though, it drains your health. Most people cry that it's the stupidest power-up ever, but I have to disagree on that because it's not a power-up. The one thing I did understand from the story is that their blood is curse, so when you transform, you're not technically powering up; you're cursed. It was (I'm guessing) designed to be something you wanted to avoid, and I can respect that thought process to a point.

This is why we don't free Willy

My biggest problem with the game isn't the combat. It's the fact that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! Onechansformers fails at telling you what you need to know. I can't understand why there's no tutorial. Even the instruction manual doesn't tell you shit, except the button layout. I found out there's an inventory screen by accident. I was trying to hit the big button to bring up the dashboard, and I hit the back button instead. Isn't that something that should have been brought to my attention earlier. Good luck finding your way around because the game doesn't tell you where you need to go. It has a map, but it doesn't tell you where your next objective is unless you're in the same area. I hope you enjoy walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in cirlces because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be....FUCK!

This game also has a dress-up mode, which panders to the perverts who make up the target demographic. So, if your favorite girl isn't slutty enough, you can change that. You have to unlock the clothes by playing through story mode first, though. It also has 2-player split screen which a lot of games don't have anymore. I decided to try in out with Neil. Neil, what do you think?

[Neil]: I fuckin hate this game.

Good point Neil.

[Neil]: The fuckin graphics look like my PS2, the fuckin camera is too damn close to the girl, AND WHY THE FUCK IS MY SWORD STUCK IN THIS GUYS TORSO!?

Oh yea, in Onecharboiled, your sword will collect blood on it. When the sword has too much blood on it, it can get stuck in someone. You have to remember to periodically clean your sword, or else...

[Neil]: GOD DAMN LOADING TIME! The graphics look like shit, and the background isn't even detailed much, so why the fuck DOES IT HAVE TO LOAD ALL THE DAMN TIME!? GTA4 doesn't load unless you do a mission. Gears of War barely loads at all. Those games look 3 times better than this, SO WHY DOES THIS ONE HAVE TO LOAD!? AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

See, Neil isn't used to playing shitty games, so he can't handle it like I can.

A vampire's buffet

Onechatroom probably should have stayed over in Japan because there's no love for it here. You can't even find this game used because nobody would buy it (except my dumbass). With that said, it's nowhere near the worst game for the Xbox360. I can't even really give it the red rings of death rating.

Rating: Ass (Sexy ass, but ass nonetheless)

So here's the order of which these games are awful from bad to worse:

Ocechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad
Sonic Unleashed
X-Blades
Pimp My Ride
Bomberman: Act Zero
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

We still have a few games to go, including one blue rodent who's making his second appearance on this list.

NOTE: The cowboy hat and bikini combo is so last year.

Pimp My Ride (W)

Hi, Kevin J. from wherever the fuck I wanna be, and THIS IS MY GAME!

So I boot the game up, and it ask me who's car I wanna pimp first. When I pick the car, I don't immediately go to the person house to pick up their car. Instead, I have to drive around and earn enough money. You earn money by hitting traffic and playing boring mini-games, and to my knowledge, there's only 2. You can also earn money by getting collectibles, but it's a waste of time. You're better off just hitting other cars, which you'll do a lot because the controls are so bad. these are the worst driving controls I've ever played for the Xbox 360. Once I earned the money, I go to the person's house, and I have a time limit on getting there, which is fuckin retarded. Once I pick up the car, the map shows all the shops I can visit to hook this car up. Again there's a time limit, so you have to get to as many spots as possible. There's also a rival pimping out the same car, and your car has to look better than his or her. When time is up, the person see's the cars, and picks which one he/she likes. If you lose, you start over. If you win, you repeat the process with someone else. That's the game. That's not even in a nutshell; that's the game! All of it!

So please 10 Rules of Gaming, PIMP MY GAME!

I'm 'bout to pimp his game. Let's go!

[knock kmock]
Is that my door?
[Xzibit]: Yo Kev man, I'm hhere to pimp your game.
[Kevin]: OOOOOH SHIT! YEA! YEA! YEA! X TO THE Z! OH SHIT!

[Xzibit]: So this the game huh?
[Kevin]: Yea. I got it for $10. I thought it was a deal.
[Xzibit]: I hate to tell you this, but I think you got dealt shit.
[Kevin]: Yea, it happens.
[Xzibit]: I'm trying to drive, but I can't stop swerving. God damn. What's up with this?
[Kevin]: The controls are bad, man. The fuckin thing won't drive straight.
[Xzibit]: Oh ok, I thought it was just me, like what the fuck am I doing wrong. So I see something on the corner of the screen. What's the money all about?
[Kevin]: That's the money you have to earn before you can pimp the car.
[Xzibit]: What the fuck? Why am I paying for it? The show is suppose to pay for it. Wow man; this some shit. How do I earn money?
[Kevin]: You're doing it right now. You get money when you hit traffic.
[Xzibit]: Oh, so that's what it is. I thought I owned them money. I guess driving all fcuked up has it advantages. You can be a millionaire if you play this drunk. Hahahahaha
[Kevin]: Wait till you get to pimp out the car.
[Xzibit]: Why; what happens?
[Kevin]: You have to get to all the garages under the time limit.
[Xzibit]: What? No West Coast Customs?
[Kevin]: No.
[Xzibit]: Gas?
[Kevin]: Nope.
[Xzibit]: ....ooooookay. Now, why do I have a time limit?
[Kevin]: You have to do a better job pimping the car than your rival.
[Xzibit]: RIVAL!?
[Kevin]: Yea.
[Xzibit]: Where the fuck did he get the same exact car? I thought the bitch only had one.
[Kevin]: I don't know, X
[Xzibit]: Well I've seen enough. If you had to rate this game, what would you give it?

Rating: Red Rings of Death

[Xzibit]: I couldn't agree more. Let's me get that disc. We bout to fix this pronto.

Let's leave our insurances out of this. Be cool

[Xzibit]: Ok Kev, when we got you game, it shouldof been called 'Strip My Ride' because it looked like someone stripped all the fun out of it, but the guys at 10 Rules did some work, and now you can be glad to have those achievement points attached to your gamerscore. Here it is: your brand new game!

OOOOOOOH SHIT! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! OH MAN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YES! YES! THANK YOU X! WHOO! WOO WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bomberman: Act Zero (W)

Wow. I can't remember the last time I've played a Bomberman game. I think it was back when I had the big gray brick known as the gameboy. Either way, Bomberman was one of the classic games, and up to this point, was remembered as one of the fun multiplayer games of the 8-bit era. Right around the 360 launch day, Konami decided to bring back Captain Blow Shit Up for a round of...well, blowing shit up, and why not? Well, like Turtles in Time, some games just can't age well. It's amazing how much this game sucks, and it's no wonder why everyone is crying foul. This is probably better as an Xboxlive arcade game, but I got it for 5 bucks, and I still want my money back.

It's hot. Are you hot? I feel hot.

The first thing you'll notice is that the character is gone. That's right: that cute and cuddly pyromaniac is nowhere to be found. Instead, he's been replaced with what I can only assume is a future NFL player (the green glowing parts are clearly steroids). Rule #1 when bringing back a beloved franchise: DON'T fuck with the main character. As for the gameplay....well...it's Bomberman. What did you expect? You drop some bombs and hope somebody dies. Well, there is some strategy involved, but I never seemed to need it. There's really no change in gameplay whatsoever. If you don't know how Bomberman is played, wow (where have you been?). There are some changes. Besides the standard mode, there's a FPB mode, and I have no fuckin clue what FPB means. Anyway, the camera is closer to you, and instead of one-hit kills, you have a life bar. The camera makes it so fuck impossible to see shit, it's no wonder you have a life bar, but even then it's bullshit. Well, that's it for the changes....yea. Both modes have 99 stages that you can try to plow through, but there are no continues. Once you die, you go all the way back to the beginning. So if you bite it on level 98, tough shit. Cry me a river, bitch; you're going back to the beginning. I thought we left that shit behind when memory cards were invented. As for online mode, nobody's playing, so I can't even review it. There's no local multiplayer or system link option either, so I was forced to play this shit alone. This is grade A fuck.

Stop, drop, and roll won't save you here

Yea...that's it. That's the game. Imagine buying this when it first came out for 60 big ones. I heard some stores were accepting returns because it was so bad, though that may have been just a rumor. I wish I could send mine back. In fact, I want the time I spent playing back, dammit! This barely registers as a game. You can find the same exact shit online as a flash game (look it up). Avoid at all cost!

Rating: Red Rings of Death

Amazingly, this game is a step above Leisure Suit Larry, so it's not the worst game on the 360. Larry, it's not looking good for you. Here's the order from bad to worse.

Sonic Unleashed
X-Blades
Bomberman: Act Zero
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

We got more games to look up so it's not over yet, though I wish it was.

NOTE: Xboxlive Arcade games don't count, so don't ask.