Dante's Inferno owners: look at your game. Now look at mine. Back to your game, and now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine, but it sure as hell tried to be like mine with its sense of scale, camera angles, and weapons that can be politely described as formidable and best describe as fuckin awesome. Your game only had only thing going against it; it wasn't mine. It also didn't help that Dante was released a month before Kratos. Let this be a lesson to all: no one can compete against the god of murder....not god of war; god of murder, disembowelment, chaos, genocide, death defying, rage, and above all else, banging random chicks. Take that you pussy-whipped Dante.
The game does have its share of problems, and all of them (except for my friends the quick time events) stem from the story. Why? Well, the story begins with Kratos riding Gaia as she and the other titans climb up Mount Olympus after Zeus where he falls off, ends up in Hades, and is stripped of his powers. Really? AGAIN!? How many times must we send Kratos to hell before we realize it's fuckin pointless? And why must we find some whacked-out reason as to why Kratos loss his powers. In fact, why cause him to lose his powers? Can we just build on what he already has? The story also has a tendency to go all over the place. It's not bad or complicated in the least bit, but it's not single-focused as the first 3 games were. The end-game is to kill Zeus, but that's not the only goal here.
The gameplay is what you'd expect from a GOW game, i.e. not changed one fuckin bit.
[Neil]: Shooting Locust from behind chest high walls.
Shut up. Anyway, to say it hasn't changed at is a bit of a lie. For starters, and I can't be the only one who noticed this, there are no more balance beams. You're probably saying right now "So What?" Well, the balance beam parts sucked balls; that's what. I like the fact that it's gone. In terms of weapons, GOW finally did something I didn't think it was capable of doing: having other fuckin useful weapons. Of course, this only applies to the Cestus because the other 2 are nothing more than blades on chains....yea. I guess when one chained weapon works so well, why not have more right? Each weapon has it's own magic attack, but like most GOW games, 2 of them prove to be bloody useless. Umm, what else? Oh yea, There are other powers that uses a yellow meter instead of the blue meter. These powers are mainly used to get around the environments, but they can be used for combat.
You know you have a great game when I have to reach deep down to my soul to find something wrong with it. At this point, saying GOW is good is like saying the sky is blue. In fact, its been a month now since its release, so if you don't own it, then what the fuck is wrong with you.
[Neil]: I don't own a PS3
Sucks to be you.
[Neil]: Whatever. I'm gonna go play GOW
I though you said you didn't have a PS....oh yea. Dumbass
Rating:Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Titan mode
NOTE: You know Neil, no one else is gonna get that GOW joke.
Oh god dammit Bioware, not again. You've already taken too much of my time with Dragon Age; now you've released the sequel to the most kick ass RPG I've ever played. How do you even find the time to do all of this? Ever tried juggling between two extensively long video games? Not easy. Luckily for me, Mass Effect 2 is a lot shorter then Dragon Age (everything is shorter than Dragon Age) so I was able to finish it, but this game is still huge and I can't do it alone. That's why I enlisted of the smartass Neil to help me review this. He hasn't done a review since Street Fighter 4 almost a year ago....damn. You ready to do this man?
[Neil]: Sooooo, you need my help to review a game a lot shorter than a game you did by yourself?
..........that's not the point.
You are Commander Shepard, the biggest bad-ass to have ever led a group of bad asses this side of space...and you are dead. At least, that's what the galaxy thinks. After being blown to hell with your ship, you're found by a private corporation, Cerberus. Yes, they do have a shady reputation, but you're Commander fuckin Shepard. If they crossed the line, your foot will cross their ass. Also, you..umm...kinda owe them for...you know...bringing you back to life, but still, ass whooping for all who cross you. Humans are disappearing, and Cerberus wants you, Commander bad-ass, to find out why and whoop some ass. But it's not just you out there putting your ass on the line. It's mainly you, but there are others there to help you. Bioware has added a lot of personality to the supporting cast, and for once, I actually give a damn about the people around me.
[Neil] Now when a sequel comes out, you gotta come correct when it comes to presentation. Mass Effect 2 did not disappoint…mostly. Let’s start with the good. Just like the first game, the Normandy is extremely detailed with all the bells and whistles. What really stands out are the loading screens. Yes, the loading screens. These shots kick ass!! Shit moves! In the first one all you had was that blue sphere thing from the mass relay point. Now, there’s other stuff. I can’t remember all the stuff but trust me there a lot of it. Also, each planet that you are able to land on looks completely different from any other one. Why is this good? If you’re asking that you should be slapped. (Kevin get on that). Being unique is what makes an RPG great. Actually that’s a rule in most games. DON’T BE FUCKIN GENERIC!!! Even the NPCs on each planet are different. To go into that much detail on an American RPG? That’s just…awesome.
If you remember from my Dragon Age review, I said Mass Effect 1 was damn near broken, and it was. Sometimes people glitched through walls, people would disappear, textures wouldn't appear when the game boots up from a save file (like in Gears 2 when multiplayer starts), and sometimes the game will just crash forcing you to restart. Not really a problem in ME2. Everything runs smoothly while improving the graphics, and thank christ that the texture doesn't fuckin disappears anymore. It's still not perfect though. There are still instances where people would get stuck in the environment or the audio would drop when turned from someone. There's also been some claims that the game still crashes, but I've been playing for days, and it's hasn't happened yet.
[Neil] If you played the first game, welcome back. The buttons and control are basically the same. There is one catch though. Each different class has a special ability. Soldiers can slow down time for a few seconds. If you’re like me and adore putting bullets in stuff, then this is the class for you. Every weapon is at your disposal and all of them hurt…sweet. I also tried the vanguard class. This is for the shotgun enthusiast, like Kevin. The charge attack kicks ass, but if u don’t like close range combat, don’t bother. The other classes have nice moves too, just haven’t tried the out yet. Notice I said “yet.” There is so much replay value in this. The morale system can give alternate endings which means something different can happen each time. Sweet!!
All the stuff that didn't work in the first game is gone. It's good to see all the crap I had to put up with in the first game got cut out. I see Bioware has received my hate mail. The mako drove like shit float on a river of shit towards the shittyfall and that....and then....Ugh I'm out of shit references. Well, it's good not to drive that again. In fact, you don't drive anything at all. It's better that way. All the confusing weapon and armor customization is gone as well. Now weapon upgrades that don't need to be bought apply automatically to you and your whole crew, eliminating the need to micromanage. That also means that there's little customization and no looting. In other words, if you're a fan of Borderlands, don't expect the same shit. The result is a more action pack game where shit hits the fan, and it's hell in the hole. With a lot of RPG elements gone, some might say it's no longer a role playing game, but I say fuck that! This is more than a RPG than most, especially JRPGs. Not only do you play a role (something JRPGs can't seem to fuckin grasp), but you're very invested in your character because he or she is everything you make him/her out to be. Your decisions hold weight, and some of the most trivial shit can come back to bite you on the ass. In other words, you runs shit; you're not just along for the ride. Speaking of running shit, if you import your ME1 file to ME2, you'll see the results of all the decisions you made in ME1. It really makes you stop and think before you just respond to a situation. Before I knew ME2 was coming out, I just picked any old answer, most decided through a flip of a coin. Now when I play ME2, I stop and go "How will this bite me in the ass later?" That is awesome.
And now onto the subject of sex. Neil if you would...
[Neil] There isn't any. Get over it.
Thank you Neil. Yes, there's no actual sex scenes in this game. You can still get laid in the game, you just won't see it. Now if you're upset by that...
[Neil] You're a fuckin loser.
Thanks again. I believe though that Bioware should make it their business to eliminate sex from their games for now on for the sole purpose of pissing off the internet dweeds on forums now n' days. I went to 2 forums recently to find info on a mini-nuke launcher (OMFG that just sounds fuckin awesome), and I see 3 pages of heated discussion about the lack of sex scenes. Now, I played to make several jokes on the subject (4 of them were lesbian jokes), but after seeing that sad display, I'm instead gonna make a plea to the folks at Bioware: please no more sex scenes. Look at all the annoyance it's causing. If anything, don't give these animals ammo.
[Neil] Make them quit cold turkey.
Quite.
[Neil] But while we're on the subject, Kelly goes both ways...so have at it.
Really? Hmmm....fuck did I do with that game?
Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Rings of Death
[Neil] You know, we forgot to do a closing paragraph.
Oh shit, you're right. Ummm......Mass Effect 2 is one of those games you can't put down. I've have lost sleep, meals, bathroom breaks, and showed up late for work just because of the addictive nature of this game. Pick this one up. You owe it to yourself, especially after you moved that couch for your buddy. Treat yourself...to awesome.
[Neil] You also forgot to do your NOTE thing.
FUUUUCK!
NOTE: How did you like the top ten ninja list? I bet you didn't even know there were 10 ninjas in 360's history.
Long ago, I said I was tired of seeing half naked women protagonists in my video games. It's not that I don't like boobs and ass; far from it. Whether real or digital, I can appreciate a good pair, and admittedly, I've done some stuff just to see said pair of digital boobs. So why complain? Well, as much as I like boobs and ass, I really hate cliches, and this is probably the oldest in any form of media. Take role playing games for example. Whose wearing the least amount of armor? The women, and yet we're suppose to believe that they're well covered despite the fact that her male counterpart is getting his ass handed to him while wearing nothing short of a Toyota car. Also, how am I suppose to take them seriously when dress like that? You mean to tell me that Miss Mary Cleavage over there is going to save the world, and do it while wearing a skin-tight bikini? Well that sounds like bullshit. Might as well let a stripper do your taxes. If you walked into a bank, and the woman behind the desk giving you banking advice was fully naked, would you take her advice or even listen to a word she say? Fuck no. And I just love the fact that these girls don't think twice about how inappropriate their wardrobe is for that occasion. I can keep going, but I'll save that for another post. After saying that, it's safe to assume I have a problem with Bayonetta, right? Well....no. I couldn't care less. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I fuckin love it, and don't know why. Maybe it's because she's British. Maybe because the premise behind her clothing is so wacky and out there, you have to like it to some extent. Maybe it's because unlike most under-dressed women who are expected to be taken seriously, Bayonetta doesn't give a fuck. She knows she's putting on a show, and she'll continue to do so. Or maybe, just maybe, she stars in one of the most kick ass games you can buy for your Xbox. No matter how she's dressed, Bayonetta is fuckin awesome, and can kick the ass of most action game characters, including Dante and his pussy counterpart Nero. She's automatically in my top 5 most badass people. (Master Chief, Wolverine, Ryu Hayabusa, Bayonetta, and Marcus Fenix).
I would just like to say that its time to stop with the God of War comparisons. I can see how people who don't play many games can make that judgment, but why are gameheads doing it? And it's not just Bayonetta. Almost every action game with blood in to gets compared it Kratos whether its warranted or not. Take a good look at Bayonetta and God of War. Both games couldn't be farther apart except for maybe a genre change. God of War is a great game, but not every game is trying to be like it, and that goes double for Darksiders (review coming soon). I heard people call it God of War mixed with Zelda, and although I see the Zelda comparisons, there is no God of War to be found as of yet (although the videos can trick you in believing otherwise). As for Bayonetta, I consider this game as the close cousin to Devil May Cry more than anything else, which is safe to say because the game director for Bayonetta worked on DMC4.
Another cliche I hate but will give a pass to Bayonetta is the amnesia angle. In the beginning, she wakes up after 200 years not knowing a damn thing....except she's a witch who can do kick ass shit, and she works for the legions of Inferno (this games version of Hell), which is why she kills angels. So, while kicking as much ass as possible, Bayonetta (along with the player) is discovering who she is and what happened to her. This cliche get a pass for 2 reasons. The first reason is that it doesn't seem like a cop out. A lot of writers use the amnesia angle simply because it's easy, but this game uses that for plot AND character development instead of just what the person did before losing their memory. The second reason is that after a while, you'll forget she even has amnesia. The game doesn't beat you over the head with the fact, and when it does remind you, it only makes you more curious, and then makes you want to play more to see why this person or thing is so important or why this person is such a dick and so on. It's almost as if the game itself doesn't really care. They tell you in the beginning she has amnesia, and then the plot device goes somewhere to take a nap, only to wake up periodically because it remembered it has a job to do. Then again, my account of this could be inaccurate because as I was playing, my attention focus less on Bayonetta and more on the world around her. Platinum games did a great job at crafting a universe around her and I found myself lost in the backstory between the Lumen sages and the Umbra witches. I would say more about the story, but this is something you need to experience for yourself, not to mention the fact that it gets real fuckin confusing if the story is told to you second handed.
Despite the story, what we're really here for is the combat, and this is where Bayonetta automatically jumps to top contender for Game of the Year for 2010 (yea, I'm predicting it already). Did you like Devil May Cry? This game shits all over that. The combos are elaborate as all hell, but you better know what you're doing, or else you'll get bitch-slapped repeatedly. This game tricked me in the beginning into thinking I can just go in and button mash as long as I can dodge the incoming attacks, and technically you can, but when surrounded by tough enemies, it's best to know the quickest way to kill them. Besides, you can't dodge everything (you can sure as hell try). But what makes this game so crazy isn't the combos or dodge system or increasingly difficult angels you have to kill; it's how she fights. How many people do you know can shoot guns with their feet? That's right; her FUCKIN FEET! She has a gun on each foot, and by default, that's 4 guns she's packing. If that wasn't enough, all her magical attacks (most which comes at the end of her combos) uses her hair. Crazy, but apparently not crazy enough. To completely throw this over the edge of sanity, her clothes are made up of her hair, so when she uses her magic, it leeches off of her clothing making her body more exposed. She's practically naked when she summons giant demon animals to kill the bosses, and I appreciate that. Nothing makes sense, but you won't care because it's so awesome. When you unlock new weapons, then things really open up. Now you're equip with more than just guns. There are swords, whips, claws, and even shotguns, and yes, you can equip the shotguns onto your feet (and it is awesome). Each weapon handles different, but still uses the same set of combos so you don't have to learn a new set of moves. Really, the only complaint I have about this game (besides the camera, which is common in almost every action game) this that there's no block button. You have the dodge, and it works really well (and if you do it right, you'll slow down time), but when shit hits the fan, I'd feel more comfortable blocking than dodging.
Go Japan!
There is no reason why not to get this game.
[Neil]: What if they're under 18?
Correction, there's one reason not to get this game.
[Neil]: What if the person is a woman who finds the portrayal of the main character offensive?
.....Then there's 2 reason why you shouldn't buy this game.
[Neil]: What if they don't like violence?
OKAY! Fine! 3 reasons. Other than that, you should really get this game. This is one of the best action games for Xbox360 and one of the few instances where it's worth the 60 bucks you spent. It's crazy, imaginative, sexy, and just downright fun. I mean, what's there to hate about it?
[Neil]: What about the depiction of religious entities as it's portrayed......
NEIL, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Rating: Fuckin Awesome
NOTE: I'm not saying strippers aren't smart enough to do your taxes. I'm just saying they shouldn't be your first choice. Ninjas on the other hand.....
I don't think many people thought this game would be decent, let alone be one of the best games of the year. Batman and video games never really seemed to get along in the past. There have been of couple of good ones in the SNES days, but for the most part, Batman games suck donkey balls. In fact, with the exception of MK vs DC, DC has no good games to its name except the aforementioned SNES Batman. Going into this, it's totally understandable to think this is a waste of time, but then you play it, and you're silenced by its awesomeness. It's been a long ass time since a game has made my jaw drop (Grand Theft Auto 3 I think), but Batman has so many kick-ass moments that about half way in, my jaw was on the floor for the rest of the game (it broke off...call a doctor). Even if you know very little about the bat, you still feel like this game does him justice, which is more than what I can say about Jason Bourne and his game. Dude, imagine Batman and Bourne working together. That would be sweet.
I said make me a balloon animal dammit!
The story begins with Batman bringing Joker back to the asylum in his ultra sleek, badass Batmobile...hey why don't I add that into Club BadAss? Anyway, feeling that Joker gave up too easily, Batman decides to escort the loony into the asylum. Well, the Bat was right. Soon, Joker gets loose and frees the inmates. Now all hell has broken loose, and it's up to Bats to fix everything the only way he knows how: extreme violence. Keep in mind that this is Arkham Asylum: the place where Batman brings all crazies he catches. Normally, I would say a hero is screwed, but this is Batman. There's nothing a punch to the dick can't solve.
There are 3 elements to Arkham Asylum: combat, exploration, and stealth, and each is done very well. Normally, no one really gives a shit about exploration, but here, exploring has its own rewards. The riddler has left trophies and...well riddles...all over Arkham, and finding them unlock challenge rooms. The combat is probably the most satisfying part of the game, as it should be. If kicking ass ain't fun, then what's the point (like oneechingchang...still doing oneechanbara jokes apparently)? The controls are simple enough: X to attack, Y to counter, B to stun, and A to dodge. You think with only one attack button, you can just button mash, but noooooo mister video game man; it's not that simple. You need to balance all of the four buttons (when called for) and time everything right, or else you'll know first hand what a human fist taste like. There's this one glitch in the combat that may be the best glitch ever. One of Batman's move is him jumping on a downed opponent sternum and punching him in the face for the knockout. Sometimes though, he lands on their face and punches them in the dick. I'm pretty sure that wasn't done on purpose, but I'm glad it wasn't fixed. The punch in the dick always results in a knockout, too. Makes sense. The stealth element surprised the hell out of me in the fact that I liked it. My friends know I hate stealth, but I had fun picking people off one by one without being seen. The fact that Batman can hide in the rafters (and the enemies never fuckin look up) makes stealth easy, and him assortment of moves and gadgets are cool to use. The best part is that stealth isn't the main part of the game. It's regulated to certain parts of the game where goons bust out the guns. It doesn't happen as often as you think.
Ah! Bats hate light you douche!
So, you know all this stuff already. It's been over a month already so you should have heard all the praises by now. Question is, is there anything wrong with the game? Sure, I can find something to complain about. First is the run button. Why is their a run button? I thought we ditched that kind of thing when they created the analog stick for the N64. When you're not holding down the button, he does this slow walk like one of his bat gadgets curled up into his ass. Until you get used to it, making a getaway can be problematic. The boss battle are just down right disappointing. Bane was a challenge the first time through, but really, it's like the developers ran out of ideas when it came to boss battles. The most disappointing is the encounter with Killer Kroc. At first, it freaked me right the fuck out, but when I finished it, I was saying "....that's it?" As for the challenge maps, the only way to unlock them is doing the Riddler's challenges. After you beat the game, you can go back and solve the puzzles, but it's so fuckin boring. I understand you want to give people a reason to solve these, but c'mon. I want my damn maps.
So many options at this point
Unless Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 proves me wrong (and it probably will), Batman is the game of 2009. You know it, I know it, Batman knows it, and Rocksteady knows it. It's been said that they are already working on the sequel. Kinda hard to see where this can go from here, but then again, I couldn't imagine a game like this to begin with. Just remember to make the boss battles fun, okay guys?
What is the best way to solve any situation? You make something explode. Someone parked in your parking space? Boom! Need to remodel your kitchen? Blammo! Someone owes you 50 buck, so you go to his house to demand your money back, but he acts like he's not home despite the fact that his car is clearly in the driveway so he must be home, so you call his cell to see if he picks up, and when he doesn't you leave a message on his answering message saying if you don't get your money back there will be trouble, but he doesn't contact you back even though he was just talking to your girlfriend on facebook, so now you have to get back, but don't know how? 'Splode! If you think that would make a great video game, then you think exactly like the guys at Twisted Pixel, creators of 'SPLOSION MAAAAAN (hmm hmm hmmmm). This game is funny, addictive, original, simple, and bottom line, fuckin awesome.
I make thing go boom!
You control a man who is basically walking napalm, set to explode whenever he chooses without hurting him. Clearly, he's an experiment gone in a lab in the middle of who gives a fuck. Your job is to make it to the end of each level. Simple. Kinda. Maybe. In terms of story, you're not gonna find any here, but that's okay. This kind of game isn't meant to have one. It would only ruin the charm of it. Speaking of charm, this game is so devilishly innocent looking. Even when you blow up scientists, there's no real death to be seen. They turn into meat products like ribs and hamhocks (and maybe a veal). Even 'SPLOSION MAAAAN (hmm hmm hmmmmm) doesn't look all that threatening himself despite being a walking forest fire. I guess what I'm saying is the visual presentation makes the game more fun.
To play 'SPLOSION MAAAAN (hmm hmm hmmmmm), you move with the left stick and...well, explode with everything else. Seriously. You do everything by exploding. To jump, you explode. To kill scientist, you explode. To flip switch, you explode. To slow your fall, you explode. To order pizza, you explode. To wipe your ass, you explode. Really, you only have 2 options here: to explode or not to explode, and more often than not, you're not gonna pick the second option. The control scheme is so simple, there's no way you can fuck it up. Does that make the game easy. Fuck no. Like N+, this game gets brutal as you progress. Trying to figure out how to get through certain spots is basically trial and error, and sometimes it can get annoying. When you die a certain amount of times, a box appears telling you you can skip over to the next level. I wish you can turn that option off because I'm not skipping the level; you feel defeated that way, and I'm not gonna let a video game beat me!
[Neil]: Ninja Gaiden and N+
.......okay, I'm gonna let ANOTHER game beat me. If 'sploding by yourself gets boring, you can always bang with a friend (not to be confused with 'bang a friend') in 50 co-op levels. Good luck trying to coordinate that shit. You have to time your 'splosions to get through obstacles, and that can be a bitch when playing with someone who can follow simple fuckin directions.
[Neil]: Don't look at me like that. I just got the damn game.
We grilling tonight
'SPLOSION MAAAAN (hmm hmm hmmmm) is a great puzzle game, I recommend everyone to get it, especially if you like N+. It replaces Battlefield 1943 as the best XBLA game on the market (don't bug me about Shadow Complex; it's not better). It's 10 dollars, so go download it now. If you don't have the internet, steal your friend's hard drive. He won't know.
Rating: Fuckin Awesome
NOTE: Please tell me you got that Trojan Man reference.
If you haven't heard of this game, don't worry; most people haven't, even hardcore gamers. This seems like it's gonna be one of those 'under the radar' type of games, which is a shame. Just like Street Fighter 4, BlazBlue is fuckin awesome and can kick the ass of most fighters. It's everything 2D fight fans want, while being inviting to new players. That's been said about a lot of fighters, and most of those claim almost never pan out, but as someone who sucks at 2D fighters, I was kicking ass. At the time of this writing, the only copy available is the limited edition version. Yea, they released the LE first, and the official game will be released in the middle of July. Good marketing plan? I don't know. What I do is that the LE cost the same as the stand alone game ($59.99), so you're better off getting the LE. When they said 'Limited Edition' they fuckin mean it. If my sources are correct, only 19,000 copies have been made, and since the internet has been blowing up with questions and youtube videos, I'm guessing they're going fast, so hurry up. Once the stand alone comes out, there will be no more LE versions released. I think they're only at gamestop right now; I could be wrong. The LE comes with the soundtrack on 2 discs and a bonus DVD. The music isn't bad, but I won't be putting it in my Ipod any time soon. The bonus DVD....you know what, I never watched it. Huh. Okay, while I do this review, I'll watch the DVD. Maybe it'll answer some questions I have.
Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before BlazBlue"
This is normally the part where I explain the story, but I'm not even gonna bother. Why? Because I can't understand a damn thing that's going on. Maybe Neil can shed some light on this. And try to keep the spoilers to a minimum....like it matters.
[Neil]: Okay, so this dude Ragna is wanted by the NOL, the world's police force apparently, for busting up their buildings. Jin works for the NOL, but went A.W.O.L. in search of his brother Ragna so he can try to kill him again because he failed to when they were kids, but why he tried to is a mystery. We'll just say he's crazy. Noel is an amnesiac who also works for the NOL and is the sister of Jin and Ragna, only that's a lie. She's actually a clone of their sister, who may or may not be dead. Nu is the 13th clone (V-13) of their sister I think, and is passionately in love with Ragna, but Ragna wants to kill her, which is why he keep breaking NOL building. That's where she keeps spawning. Hakumen is one of the Six Heroes who helped save mankind once, but is apparently Ragna's brother somehow, and Jin is....not sure. Maybe a clone? Anyway, Hakumen was summoned out of the boundry, which is like purgatory, by Kokonoe, a scientist who works for Sector Seven. Sector Seven is the opposing group to the NOL. They're not evil, and they don't play much of role here. Anyway, there's a distortion in time and space (due to Nu's awakening), and Hakumen is sent somewhere else, so it's up to Tager to plant devices that....
STOP! STOP! STOP THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW! SON OF A MOTHER FUCKIN METAL GEAR SOLID BITCH! I THINK I KNOW LESS NOW THAN I DID BEFORE! UUUUUGH! FUCK YOU! FUCK JAPAN! FUCK ARC SYSTEM!
[Neil]: Son of a mother fuckin Metal Gear Solid bitch?
You know, because it too has a needlessly complicated story.
[Neil]: I see.....
After trying to grasp this so called mess of a story for maybe 2 days, I put the controller down and said "I done." Seriously, I was done. I don't give two shits about cultural differences; if anybody think that the story here is good in any way, American or Japanese, may their buttholes itch for 40 days and 40 nights.
Litchi's nickname in the game is Boobie Lady...I'm not joking!
Now let's begin talking about gameplay. First, let me tell you what I don't like about it............now that that's out of the way, let's talk about what I like do about it. Seriously, I don't have a single complaint about gameplay whatsoever. This game is just design too well. The game is fast and frantic, yet you still have complete control. I can't even complain about controls, which is something I normally have to when talking about the 360 and fighting games. Things are different from most 2D fighting games. Instead of 3 types of punches and kicks (like Street Fighter 4), BlazBlue uses a 4 button system. You have a weak button, medium button, strong button, and a 'do something awesome' button (I like that button). To make things even easier, 2 of your special moves and at least one of your finishers are mapped on the right stick. Just flick the stick in the right direction, and you can proceed to open up your can, jar, box, chest, or truck of whoopass on whoever's in front fo you. It's a hell of a lot easier than 'Down, Down-Forward, Forward, Down, Down-Forward, Forward, Button' to do moves. With this easy setup, someone like me can come in and be a G in no time. Of course, those who are well versed in the art of 2D fighters will come into this game as gods, and beat the holiest of all hell on anyone who challenges them (mostly by accident). What makes 2D fighters so great is that you can be creative with your ass-kicking. 2D fighters basically let you create your own combos, and the truely adventurous can develop 100 hit combos if they practice enough. That's why there is such a strong sub-culture for it. 3D fighters don't normally provide that since their combat style demands that combos be pre-determined. BlazBlue is no different from other 2D fighters in the combo department, and since the controls are simple, putting combos together is more fun than usual. This game even has punk bastards in mind. If you try to avoid someone for too long without attacking, a negative warning will appear, telling you if you don't man up and fight, we'll make you pay. If you don't wanna listen to the warning, Your defense will drop, and hits will hurt more than usual. Once again, you will have spammers, but in this game, they're easy to get around thanks to the air dash (unless they spam to get you to air dash, then you're screwed). Some people may not like the fact that there are only 12 characters, but fuck that. For me, this actually seems perfect. It's easier to learn how to play with 12 people than it is with 47 mother fuckas.
Hey! Some actually gameplay footage!
I was a little hesitant to put this in my hall of fame because of the clusterfuck that is the story, but everything else is just so awesome, I almost had to. Maybe with enough press, this game can move more copies. The LE is doing fine, but when the stand alone comes out, I think we'll see sales drop, which would be a shame. 2D fighters not Street Fighter have a very limited appeal. Maybe I can help in some way. Readers, buy this game. Tell your friends to buy this game. This game is too awesome to go unnoticed.
Rating: Fuckin Awesome
NOTE: I finished the DVD. It's filled with tips and strategies on how to play the game. It kinda like a video instruction manual, except a lot more helpful. Didn't tell me shit about the story though. Did I mention that these guys also made the Guilty Gear series?
Down - Down Forward - Forward - Punch. This is probably the second most popular button combination in video game history (the first being Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start). That's because the Street Fighter series is that damn good. Admittedly though, I didn't play much Street Fighter because my household was a Mortal Kombat house (classic rivalry). Yea, played a little Street Fighter here and there, but I never really got into it til the Marvel vs Capcom series, which is a shame because the series is fuckin awesome and can kick the ass of any fighting game series ever released.
Street Fighter 4 (SF4 for now on because I'm lazy) is more of a sequel to SF2 than SF3, so if you're expecting this game to be combo happy you're fresh fuck out of luck. There are combos, but not major ones like the 35 hit combos we've gotten used to, but you know what, it works. Now newbies can actually get into it and not be scared off. Other than that the main formula remains unchanged.
.....no homo
The usually suspects return to do what they do best (smack each other around with moves deemed impossible for humans to do), but you can't release a game without adding new fighters. There are 4 new characters and 2 new unlockables. There's Abel who likes to grab dudes...alot, Crimson Viper with a super-powered business suit with a tie that covers her cleavage nicely, Rufus who's.....fat, El Fuerte who's a cook so I don't know why he's here in the first place but hey he's fast as fuck so why not, Gouken who trained Ken and Ryu and therefore is kick ass, and Seth who is number 2 on my cheapest boss list. I believe Neil has already mentioned them, but fuck it because I'm too lazy to change it. These additions make a total of 25 fighters. Yea, that's not alot for a 2D fighter by today's standards, but each fighter feels so different who cares?
Normally I don't talk about graphics because I don't believe they make or break a game. Take that into account when I talk about how pretty the game is. One of SF4 selling points is its paintbrush presentation, and dammit if it isn't awesome. The entire game looks like its been painted instead of handdrawn or CGI, kinda like Prince of Persia or Afro Samurai. Even some of the attacks has this black paint smear that appears. Even the opening cinematics looks awesome. When you buy this game (and you damn well better), don't press start. Just sit back and watch the opening scene (cover your ears though because the backstreet boys-like theme song is annoying)
Welcome to another episode of Blanka : the Crocodile Eater
So......how does it play? Well, it's Street Fighter. How do you think it plays? OK, there are a couple new gameplay elements that affects strategy a bit. Super moves are back and they hurt, but now added is your Ultra move (or as I like to call it, the get yourself out of some serious shit move). Your super meter fills up as you hit, but your ultra meter fills up as you GET hit. Once your ultra meter fills up halfway you can unleashed it on your hapless opponent. You can wait until your meter is completely fill, but since that requires getting hit more, it's probably not a good idea. The next new addition is the focus attack. Press and hold medium punck and kick to charge the attack. Hold it long enough and it because unblockable. While charging your attack, you can absorb one (and only one) attack. This is important for strategy. If you suck, practice in challenge mode. Of course, controls may be a problem with the xbox controller, but that's why I got the PS3 version. Capcom did a good job making the analog feel responsive, and some of the moves can really only be done with the analog, but I needs me a good D-pad to fight with. When it comes to fighting games, Xbox's controller can go suck a dick.
Again.....no homo
Make no mistake; this is a fighting game, and as with all fighting games, this is meant to be played with other people, whether it be offline or online. Playing online is fun (as long as I don't play with some dick with a mic) and there is little lag. Unlike Neil, I like beating up on chumps who pick Ken all day every day. I just pick Sagat and tiger uppercut their asses. To make it feel more like an arcade experience, people can interrupt your arcade play and face you online. It's a cool trick, but I wish somebody would have told me this before I started playing.
Does Sagat hafta choke a bitch?
I tried to keep it short because this review has been done before, but I guess I talked too much anyway. I think Neil and I are in agreement here that this is the best fighting game for the Xbox360 and PS3 hands down (If he says DOA4, he's lying). I'm adding this game to the list of "You have no choice but to buy this" games. Go buy it...now....do it....LEAVE!.....don't keep reading to see where I'm going with this, go buy the game!
Note: The outfit you see Blanka wear in the pic above is his alternate attire. To get alternate outfits, you have to buy them off the xboxlive or PSN marketplace. It's not worth it. Save your points for something awesome like Portal: Still Alive.
My boy Kev J. asked me to review this game for some time now. Finally finished it. Here goes nuttin'.
It’s been a long time coming. One of them most storied franchises in gaming has finally graced the xbox360 with a brand new installment. This game had a lot of hype coming in and of course, they did not disappoint. I’ve been a Street Fighter fan since the SNES days with Street Fighter 2 so nobody had more expectations than I did. If you ever played a fighting game you know exactly what the concept it. Two fighters meet on a map and proceed to beat the holy hell out of each other. Best of three rounds wins the match. Simple, it better be. Fun, you know it. All of your favorite characters are back. This is a blessing and a curse in some ways. On the good, I get to play as Ryu, Ken, and Chun-Li all over again, thus reliving my childhood of being in arcades and beating the crap out of grown men (good times). The bad part, everybody under the sun gets to spam with Ken. JUST KEN!!! I’ll say more about that later. There are some new characters added to the fun. First is Abel, the guy with no memory and a need for longer pants. Crimson Viper is the secret agent who wears a high tech suit to kick ass. Then there’s crazy quick cook/wrestler El Fuerte. Some fat f*** named Rufus is in it too. Last but not least is Gouken, the sensei of Ryu and Ken. Overall there are 25 characters. I do wish there were a few more, but maybe there could be some downloadable content in the future. Game play is true to the old school. If you ever played and old school Street Fighter, you won’t miss a step. If you are completely reliant on the combo system of games like Marvel vs. Capcom, you are royally screwed. Arcade Mode is slightly difficult on easy and damn near impossible on medium to hard. During arcade mode, your game can be interrupted by an online player. This is similar to being in an actual arcade. This is a great touch, but if you are trying to unlock characters, this gets really annoying. Of course, there is the option to turn it off and play normally. One of the most annoying parts of the game is the final boss, Seth. By the way…What kind of name is Seth for a final boss? I’m really scared of some dick named Seth. Anyway, the first round is relatively easy to get through. This easy win gives you a false sense of security. “This isn’t so hard” you would say. Then you get beat like a stepchild the next two rounds. You’ll be lucky to get two hits in at times. From my experience online play has no lag when the fight starts. If you decide to look at the fighter intro you might see a little pause but that’s all. As you go through online fights, you get battle points which show only how many fight you’ve won. You also get titles and icons to make yourself look dumber to other players. They serve no purpose buy you can’t help but try to get more titles and icons since there are so many of each. Just be prepared to battle some cheap spammers in this game. The last and probably most important thing is that you will get annoyed playing with the 360 controller. It’s not built for fighting games. When putting in a combination you could hit a sequence by accident and throw off your entire move. This happens all too often. Luckily you can purchase a classic arcade stick for $90. I considered this for about 10 sec. and then said no because I do not think I should pay for something that is worth $30 more than the actual game that I will most likely use for this one game. Screw that!! If you can get past this, then you’ll be fine as an average playe. Bottom line, this is a definite purchase. This may bring the fighting genre back into the forefront of gaming. Sooner of later we’ll have to get sick of FPS games right?
If you don't like skateboarding, this game is not for you. If you don't like trying new things, this game is not for you. If you're looking for a game that you can immediately jump into and play, this game is not for you. If you don't like steep learning curves, this game is not for you. If you prefer a rigid structure for better progression, this game is not for you. If you prefer progression at all, this game is not for you. If you suck with the Xbox360 or PS3 controller, this game is not for you. If you are a huge Tony Hawk fan to the point of eroticism, this game is not for you (and eww). For the rest of you, THIS GAME IS FUCKIN AWESOME!
This is what I like to call a "Do nothing" game. Do nothing games are the type of games that allow you to have fun without any goals in mind. A good example is the GTA series. Unlike the GTA series where doing nothing is encouraged, the Skate series made it their theme. This game is not to be played seriously; going from one challenge to another. You can, and Skate 2 does a good job adding a new setup and challenges that test your skills, but that's not where the fun is. The purpose of Skate is ride around town on your skateboard and see what you can trick on.
This isn't like Tony Hawk in any sense. In Tony Hawk, the world was basically a skatepark with cityscape skins. Seriously, how many cities you know have halfpipes on their roofs? In Skate, San Venelona (New San Venelona in Skate 2) is design as an actual city and not a skatepark that looks like one. Tony Hawk is arcadey, doing completely unrealistic things like grinding on roller coaster and telephone wires (and one year, I think there was a dragon). Skate is grounded in realism where grinding down a flight of stairs into a kickflip finish is an accomplishment (if you don't know what a kickflip is, you'll learn pretty damn quickly). In Tony Hawk, you can perform trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick after trick and earn a millions points or more. In Skate, you're a G if pull off 6 tricks in one combo, unless you get big air. Even if you do get big air, you still have to land it. The physics engine won't let you do most things that aren't physically possible by a person. It's that realism that drew people away from Tony Hawk and made Activision stop and think about where they need to take the Tony Hawk series.
The steep learning curve I mentioned earlier comes from the game's controls. Your tricks will be handled by the right analog stick and triggers. The right analog controls your jumping and flip moves. Flick the stick down then up and you will do a basic jump (Ollie), but flick up on the stick at an angle will do a kickflip or heelflip depending on your stance. Flick the stick down then do a quarter circle rotate up haduken style will do a pop shovit and so on and so forth. It's complicated, but once you learn it, it will feel fluid and natural to you. The triggers do grabs and to do different grabs you push the analog in any direction. Handplants are done with the RB or R1 button, and manuals are done by slightly pushing the analog forward or back. As for grinds, all you need to do is land the the surface. If all this sounds confusing, it's because A) it is, and B) there's really no way to explain it. Once you get used to everything, it's a very fun and inventive system, but honestly I'd rather have the Tony Hawk controls (This way I don't have to teach anybody how it play.....because I can't).
[Update] - I forgot to mention that there are sections of the city that have tight security to try and stop you from skating in certain spots. Also, some ledges and rails have metal caps on to prevent grinding. This can be dealt with with a simple phone call to a friend, but really, it's mostly not worth it. Also I find it funny how the game portrays the security and police as the bad guys. Excuse the hell out of them for acting reasonably to a situation because they don't want people skating on their property or trying to stop you after running over old ladies on your skateboard. Rage against the machine, Bro.
It does have an online mode, but I have yet to try it because none of my friends have it yet, and I don't like playing with strangers (except in shooters, some fighters, and NBA 2K9) because most of the time I run into dickholes who shout out racial slurs, demean new players, and just act like general asses because when they are miles away from the people they're talking to, they suddenly grow a pair of balls and say things they wouldn't dare say in someone's face. This is why I regret wasting my money on a wireless headset. Seriously, why does xboxlive have to be littered with fuckin idiots who obviously don't know how to interact with people or............sorry lost my train of thought. Skate 2 isn't a game you try. You have to take a risk and actually buy the game, which is why I ran through all those guidelines in the first paragraph. Tony Hawk has been around for 9 games, and it's formula has started to wear thin in my opinion. It's nice to take a break from it and do something completely different. The Skate series is my second favorite 'do nothing' game series of all time, which the first being a tie between GTA and Saints Row. And if you're anything like me, this game IS for you.
NOTE: Trick after trick after trick after trick after trickafter trick after trick after trick after trick after trickafter trick after trick after trick after trick after trick.......
Normally when I play a first or third person shooter, I find that the developers only concentrate on one aspect. If it's single player then online play will suck and vise versa (including Halo 3). Recently I have played 2 exceptions: Call of Duty 4 (with a kick-ass scene when you're caught in an explosion) and the Gears of Wars series.
If you're looking for a story, well there isn't much of one. Your partner is looking for his wife, but that's ignored through most of the game, and it's never explained why the enemy needed to start shit with you in the first place. Maybe they're setting up for the sequel; I dunno. The strange thing is the lack of story may actually be a good thing. You play as big buff manly soldiers who look like they eat steroids and piss HGH who rush into battle despite the fact they're outnumbered 14,568 to 1 (I'm assuming) without either a second thought or much of a plan besides kill everyone. It's pretty hard to come up with a narrative that's good and doesn't get in the way of the manliness this game likes to spew out. This game is so manly that anyone who shows emotion dies with the exception of the guy with the missing wfie, and there's is little emotion to be found from him too.
The game plays like most good third person shooters, but this game puts more emphasis on cover. Most battles require you to shoot from cover unless you're really curious how fast a brickhouse body can die after absorbing a million billion bullets. Other than that it plays like any other shooter, but it does it so well what more could you want? Interesting weapons you say? Gears of Wars 2 have you covered. If you really want to know what draws people to Gears just put in the CD, boot up a new game, and when it starts press the B button. Go on. I'll wait. Many of you may have realized that nothing happened because you don't own the game to begin with. Sorry for wasting your time. For those who do have it, that reving noice you hear is the gun's attachment. This gun is the Lancer, and it has a chainsaw attachment. A FREAKIN' CHAINSAW! There is nothing better than chainsawing an enemy who did you wrong. There are other kickass weapons: the crossbow with exploding arrows, an orbital satellite that shoots lasers strong enough to take out armored dionsaurs (yea, they're in the game...and you can ride one!), and the always entertaining flamethrower, but none of these can compare to the awesomeness that is the Lancer.
Now take said Lancer, put it in the hands of an online community who want to kill each other in a handful of online modes, and you have one of the better experiences you can have on XBOXLVE. Gears have added new twists to the standard game modes found in almost all shooters. Take capture the flag (CTF) now called submission. The rules are the same for any single flag CTF; two teams fight over one flag and try to return it to their respective bases. The twist is the flag....is actually a guy who's packing an overpowered shotgun. This is one flag you don't want to drop unless you want to become nothing more then giblets. As fun as online can be, I have 2 major hangups about it. For one thing, at the time of this post, it takes too damn long to get into a game. One time, just to see how long it will take, I waited 20 minutes, and i still aint get in. I wound up quitting. It's gotten better recently, but it's still a serious problem. My second issue is it takes too many fuckin bullets to put someone down. The better players will have little problem with this, but jesus christ I'm tired of reloading twice before putting someone down.
This game is so mainstream that there's no reason for me to review it. I only did it because a friend asked me to do it and I like to think of it as somewhat of a Valentine's day gift (so she better put out). Either way, it's one of the best games of the 2008 season so you can't go wrong right? Happy V-Day, and to all NBA fans enjoy All-Star Weekend.
Note: C'mon girl. Don't leave me hanging (HAHAHA...........hanging)
