When Spider-Man Shattered Dimensions was announced, the first thing people said was "What the fuck is Noir?" The second question was how is having 4 different kind of Spider-Men going to play like. Well, the first step was to ditch the open-world New York setting. About fuckin time Activision. How many times can we swing around New York before you realize that shit was getting old? 5 times apparently, or is it 4? It was 5 games, right? Well, it was at least 4, and it was time for a change. Activision and Beenox did a great job, but some nagging issues kept this from being the Batman Arkham Asylum of Spider-Man. Dude, what the fuck happened to Ultimate Spider-Man's eyes on my box art!?
While fighting the man with the fishbowl for a head Mysterio in a museum, Spider-Man accidentally broke what is called the Tablet of Order, and it's pieces spread throughout the 4 universes: Amazing (classic Spidey), Noir (Spidey in 1933), 2099 (Spidey in 2099...well no shit), and Ultimate (a teenage Spidey). This not only put every single universe in jeopardy, but also made Mysterio into something he's never been before...relevant. Now under the guidance of Madame Web (Yea, I have no idea who that is either), the 4 Spider-Men must put the tablet back together all while trying to avoid Mysterio's 619.
You take control of 4 different Spider-Men in 4 different worlds and if you think the gameplay will be different with each Spider-Men, then shame on you for believing their marketing pitch. Only Noir is different. The rest are combat heavy. Let me quickly describe the gameplay for the Amazing, 2099, and Ultimate universes: punch, kick, punch, kick, web swing, bad joke. In all fairness, Ultimate Spider-Man actually tells funny jokes, but that's not the point. The only 2 real differences is how they fight and their settings. Amazing has the grainy, old comic book/cartoon look to it, and his attacks uses a lot of webbing. Ultimate has a sharper, new comic book/cartoon look to it, and fights with more tentacles than a Japanese rape monster in a all girls high school. 2099 graphics look more realistic, and he fights with his hands because he's a man dammit. Also he's an old white guy. Seriously, why does Miguel O'Hara sound like an old white guy. Yea, I wasn't expecting an accent, but c'mon. Anyway, the stages and combat are set up nicely and the changes in settings do add that little something to make it more interesting. The change in dimensions also brings about changes in bad guys. For example, in the 2099 universe, Doc Oct is a chick....and eerily hot. It's mindless fun, and in the end, isn't that what we came for?
NOPE. Chances are you're buying this game for the one universe that actually does play different: Noir. Spider-Man Noir is dark, gritty, and the most realistic looking of the 4 universes. Noir is as overpowering as the other three, so he has to use stealth to do what he needs to do, which raises an interesting question. Why doesn't any other Spider-Man use stealth before? How come none of them ever said to themselves "Hmm, you know what? I don't like dodging bullets. Maybe I should just sneak around." It would definitely make life easier. Just ask Noir. Okay, 2099's suit is built to take hits like that, but you get my drift. Noir feels like it needed to prove itself to Batman, except Noir has a hellava lot more shadows to hide in. Your Spider sense is even used the same exact way as Batman's detective mode. Basically you try your best to stay in the shadows and pick people off one by one. Knowing this, the game likes to fuck with you from time to time. In one stage, a blimp overhead kept fuckin following me with it's fuckin spotlight. Another stage had fireworks going off, illuminating the whole stage. Just because you're not in the shadows doesn't mean you can't get stealth takedowns, but just remember that light is bad and shadow is good.
The combat get repetitive after a while. You can only punch kick punch kick web swing bad joke so many times before it grows stale, but luckily the game doesn't last long enough to overstay its welcome too long. Another little annoyance is the task of rescuing people. It breaks the flow of the game, and it's really unnecessary. In Noir's case, the villains always threaten to kill the hostages if you're spotted, but they never do. Maybe it's because I'm playing on normal. Maybe if I play on hard, they'll actually pull the trigger. But the most annoying aspect - something I'd expect them to fix after all this time - is the camera. Apparently, the developers still haven't figured out that when you're climbing on the ceiling, you would like to see WHAT THE FUCK is under you. They had it right way back in the PSX days. Why did they change it, and more importantly, why didn't they change it back knowing full well it's not working. This gets especially annoying when you're playing as Noir and the camera is so fuckin determine to point to you and the wall instead of the people who needs to be taken down.
If you are a Spider-Man fan, you pretty much need to get....yup it was 4. Spider-Man 2, 3, Ultimate, and Web of Shadows. Damn; that's 4 Spider-Man games where you swing around fuckin New York. You know, I've heard people complain about the fact that it's not open-world anymore. If you are one of these people, get the fuck over it. You have 4 (count 'em 4) games where you swing around NY. Why do you need a fifth game where you're doing the exact same thing!? Just play one of the old ones. The rest of us are gonna go play Shattered Dimensions and have fun.
Rating: Sweet
NOTE: I think Madame Web was on the old Spider-man cartoon, the one from 1994.
Huh, this is actually funny and completely unexpected. On the one hand, we have a game I expected to be a shit taco, but turned out to be a 5 layer beef burrito with nachos, cheese, and a sprite. Now that's a damn good meal. On the other hand, we have a game I expected to be filet mignon with a baked potato, but turned out to be chicken wings and french fries. It's still good but is in no way the gourmet meal you wanted. Transformers games has loyally followed the path of suck, and it's no doubt most people believe this would be no better, but hold your corny, overused Transformers jokes and metaphors; this one is actually good. If you were a fan of Crackdown 1 and couldn't wait to get your hands on Crackdown 2 and see what they would do to make the game better, then prepare to be disappointed because you will be playing Crackdown 1.
Transformers takes place on the mechanized planet of Cybertron. The Autobots and Decepticons have been fighting for eons apparently, and the game picks up right before the Transformers have to leave Cybertron for Earth. This game is pretty much the prequel to everything Transformers. For you fans, Optimus is not yet a Prime, Starscream is still an Autobot, and the Ark has not yet been built. Bumblebee still has his gay little name though, which sparks what I think is a very smart and legitimate question. Why is it that the name Bumblebee, a name given to a giant robot (although small compared to the others) that shoots lasers and shit, is generally accepted by the public in this context, but try that shit somewhere else and it's gay? I get it, he's small (again, compared to the others) and yellow, but c'mon. Everybody else gets cool robot names or names that match their vehicles, and he get Bumblebee. My favorite names are Ironhide and Barricade....don't know why. There was one other name I like, but I can't remember. Hmm...this is gonna bug me all day.
I would first like to say that I am NOT a Transformers fan. I love the concept (2 teams of robots that can change into vehicles beating the living metal out of each other), but I never actually followed the storyline of Transformers because I...well...I don't give a shit. I say this because fans tend to overstate how good or bad a product based on their beloved franchise is, and it's sometimes hard to tell whether you should take the words of the reviewer when he/she has their head shoved so far up the franchise's ass. So, from a non-fan to you, I say you should get this game. So crowded is the maketplace with cover based shooters that it's so refreshing to see a game that run-n-guns it. In fact, this game drives and guns it. Yes, it's a standard 3rd person shooter, but it's done so well what more could you want? Battles can get hectic as all hell, and some of the set pieces are just downright awesome. Some of the boss battles are pretty epic. You can transform anytime you want, and when you do, you hover over the ground allowing you to aim and shoot as if you're in robot form. Hold R2 or RT and your transformer drops its wheel (or fire up the thrusters if you're using a plane) and take off like a regular vehicle should. I like how you can hover in vehicle mode because if someone is just off to the side, you can't just simply turn around on wheel. My only 2 gripes about the single player is that its short and the graphics repeat themselves - both very minor complaints. A seasoned gamer can beat the game in 6-8 hours depending on how many times you die, and while that is short, I don't feel cheated by paying full price for this long of an experience. As for the repeat graphics, you'll notice that environments start to look alike. I know its a machine planet, and I can tell they tried their damnest to make each place look different, but that still doesn't change the fact. With that said, the average person probably won't give 2 shits about that, and nor should they.
Quick Note: This is only a review of single player as I couldn't do the multiplayer modes. My friends won't get this game and I refuse to play co-op games with people I don't know. I want the ability to bitchslap anyone who's being an asshole and I can't do that if I haven't (or can't) meet the person. I heard people rave about online, and competitively it's alright. It's nothing really special except the ability to transform, which is useful as all hell when getting your ass kicked. Without trying the co-op aspect though, it's best to leave multiplayer alone and not add it to the review.
One of the criticisms about Crackdown 1 is that it didn't have much of a story....or any at all. Hey agent, there are three gangs; go kick their asses. That's it. Somehow that feel a lot better than what we got here with number 2. It's 10 years after the events of Crackdown 1, and one of the gangs that was taken out was working on the T-virus apparently and it was spread throughout the city, turning citizens into freaks...known as freaks. The problem might have been fixed if not for some terrorist group call the Cell, who wants to keep the freak population around in order to get rid of the Agency because the Agency are power hungry dicks and this is "for the good of the city." Is it just me, or are terrorists normally retards? So not only is the story bad, but it almost completely disappears after the opening cinematic. There are audio logs, but fuck that. Most of them are hidden. Why the fuck do I have to LOOK for the story? The truth is, you don't because the story is donkey dick. Now that I think about it, Crackdown might be the only series that actually BENEFITS from not having a story. Do we really care why we're raising hell here? In other sandbox games, you need a story to give you a reason to go through the missions, otherwise you'd just fuck around all day. In Crackdown, all you do is fuck around, so what's the point? The terrorist group has released a virus that will....yea, yea that's great. Now get out of my way; I'm gonna throw this jeep.
In 2007, this gameplay was very original. Now, it's typical. For a game that started a lot of trends you see in sandbox games today, it does nothing new in the sequel, and that's not only a shame, that's bullshit. With that said, most of the problems stem from the fact that I'm comparing it to the original. If you never played Crackdown before, you're missing out on something awesome. You play as a superpower clone who's job is to clean up the streets of Pacific City with an assortment of kickass weaponry and abilities. When you begin, you start out more powerful than any human and most freaks, but you're abilities can be increased to insane levels, and that in itself is half the fun. Your upgradable stats are agility, strength, firearms, explosives, and driving. Upgrading firearms and driving unlocks new vehicles and weapons, which is fine and all, but unlocking vehicles seems pointless to me unless you really wanna unlock the tank, and when you've beefed your agent up, you won't want the tank. You'll probably just throw it. Strength not only increases your arm strength, but also your health. Agility increases your jumping height and explosives increases the blast radius of your grenades and boomsticks. How do you increase these stats? By fuckin around! Drive into enemies and do stunts increases you know what, punches and throwing stuff at enemies increases strength, making enemies go boom increases explosives, and guess how to increase firearms. Yep, hurting enemies in specific ways increases just about every stats...except agility. All around the city are green orbs that you collect to increase to increase your agility. This is probably the most addictive aspect of the game as you cannot say no to these damn orbs. I dare you to play the game and ignore one. You can't do it.
The missions are more varied than in the last game, but not as fun. You have to activate all the beacons in the city, but first you have to activate the absorbtion units first, then you can call for a beacon drop in which you have to protect it from the freaks. Once the beacon goes off, it kills the freaks in that area. Also, you have to take over Cell strongholds, which provides spawn points and drop points for items. In the first game, you kill the numerous gangs leaders....that's it. For some reason, that's more fun than Crackdown 2's formula. Why? Probably because it's simpler and there were more gang members to shoot. Also, Crackdown 2 is boring by yourself. This game needs to be played with friends...not a friend, but friends! Four people tearing ass all over Pacific City is as fun as it sounds.
While all this makes it sound different from the first game, it really REALLY isn't. This really is nothing more than a fuckin exspansion pack. Having the city mostly in ruins is unappealing, and the graphics seem worse than the first game. I can kinda understand since there are literately hundreds of freaks onscreen when they come out at night, and graphics might have to take a hit to make everything run smoothly, but you didn't have to destroy the city. Speaking of city, why are we back in the same city? Why couldn't we be in another city kicking gang ass? Melee combat is is stiff and unresponsive, which wasn't much of a problem in the first game, but why wasn't it improved? They could have at least programed stiff and unresponsive combos. What really pissed me off was the absence of transforming cars. In the first game, the Agency had vehicle that transformed based on your driving level, and it was cool to see a sports car turn into the freakin Batmobile as you drive off. Now they're gone. What the fuck happened!? It's the future; they should be transforming more! Sigh* Playing Crackdown 2 always just makes me want to play the original. The only 2 new additions (what few there are) that I love are the helicopters and the flight suit, both which could have simply been DLCs for the first game. When you max out your agility, you unlock your suit's ability to glide, and when you learn how to use it right, it's a lot of fun. Crackdown 2 does have competitive multiplayer, which once again could have been DLC. There's a standard deathmatch and Rocket Tag. Really? That's it? Okay, this is just proof that the developers got lazy. How fun would capture the flag be with a bunch of agents with flight suits? Rocket Tag is exactly how it sounds except instead of one guy with rockets trying to hit people, everybody has rockets aiming for the guy who's 'it'. You score points by staying 'it' as long as possible, kinda like oddball in Halo. You'd think a mode where everyone has rockets would be fun, but.......
I would recommend wholeheartedly Crackdown 2 if Crackdown 1 never existed. Unless you want 4 player co-op or are REALLY interested in Rocket Tag, pick up the first game. Seriously, it's like 12 bucks now. If you can't find it, then I guess you have no choice. Don't get me wrong, this game is fun, and I'm gonna give it a good rating, but it's a 3 year old game packaged as new. As for Transformers, I believe everybody should at least try it; you will be pleasantly surprised. I know it seems like a game for 10 year old kids (made more evident by the fact that the few games I played online had nothing but), but don't let that deter you from JETFIRE....that's the other name I like!
Transformers: War fro Cybertron Rating: Sweet
Crackdown 2 Rating: Sweet
NOTE: I've had like a month long writer's block that I'm just now getting over. It's a real pain in the ass.
Remind me again to never do E3 coverage by myself again. I mean, I just did the bare minimum and I felt so tired afterward. Trying to sum up 4 days of coverage so that it stays a little bit interesting is not easy. Still, it was pretty awesome, and first the first time in a long time, I'm actually excited about the games to come, especially for the Wii of all systems. Now that I'm done with E3, I can finally get to playing games again. Sadly, the first game I played was Alpha Protocol, a game so broken I tried to return it to no avail. The game is filled with so many ideas, it could very be considered Mass Effect Jr., but it barely does anything right.
Let's get the combat out of the way: IT SUCKS! This action rpg doesn't really know how to pull off the action bits, and at this day and age how do you fuck it up? The AI is backwoods retarded and is incapable of pulling off the most simple tasks like lets say....shoot at you. During every firefight I've been in, someone suffering from a case of the dummies decides it's a good idea to run full speed at me right into the sights of my gun. Well gee thanks. For a minute there I thought I would have to TRY to you kill you. Speaking of guns, this and any other rpg that features guns that I've played (with the exception of Mass Effect 2 and Fallout 3) can't seem to do it right. I can understand leveling up your gun skills, but why does it affect the guns in general? You skills should not effect the damage points dealt. When I started using the assault rifle, it would take roughly 10 bullets to take down someone without body armor. That doesn't make any sense. Later in the game, after leveling up my rifle skills, I could take down heavily armored guys with 3 bullets. What the fuck!? Mind you, these are the bullets that hit. I'm not counting the ones that missed their target because my aim was shit. Also, I used the same rifle the whole game without using a single add-on. In Fallout 3, your level only affected your accuracy. A bullet to the forehead did the exact same damage no matter what level you were. Not so in this case. Also, what the fuck is up with headshots!? Headshots should fuckin kill, not do critical damage!! That fucker shouldn't be living anymore, let alone shooting at me! For example, I snuck into a base in order to plant a bug. When I needed to get by a patrol, I couldn't get in close to do a knife kill, so I decided to shoot the guy with my silenced pistol. After missing 7 fuckin shots, I managed to hit the guy in the back of the head. Did he die? No! He turned around, shot at me, and raised the alarm!! That's bullshit!!! Solid Snake is spinning in his grave right now. The pistol is fuckin useless in this game. It's never fuckin accurate, and you'd be an idiot to wanna level it up until it is, which leads to another problem. I can understand not being able to hit a guy's eyeball from a football field away, but if the guy you're playing as is supposed to be an elite operative, it shouldn't take a whole fuckin clip before I manage to graze his fuckin shoulder! The biggest fuckin tragedy - the one thing that send me over the edge - is how they treated the shotgun. Take all of the above problems and add the fact that it's a close range weapon, and you will have the biggest piece of bullshit in weapon history. Why, oh why, do I need to level up the shotgun!? IT'S A CLOSE RANGE WEAPON; ANYBODY CAN USE IT!!! It should be a fuckin gimmie! And that's not the worst part. When you are close to someone, IT TAKES 5 FUCKIN SHOTS TO DROP THEM! IT'S A SHOTGUN!!! IT'S DESIGN TO ONLY NEED ONE SHOT!!! HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP!! I can't take it anymore!
You also have the option of stealth in this game, and I noticed a lot of people seem to take that route. I guess it make sense because it makes you seem more like a super agent. I, on the other hand, went with the run 'n' gun tactic because I figured using stealth would work to my disadvantage, and I was right. There are some missions where stealth isn't an option, and you can't use stealth during boss fights. So if you sunk all your stat points on stealth, you're pretty much SOL when those moments come up. With that said, taking the stealth route makes the game a hellava lot easier because of the retard AI I mentioned earlier. Raise your stats up enough and you're pretty much invisible, granting you to ability to kill someone who is fuckin standing right next to his partner. There are also lockpicking and hacking minigames which are okay at first, but gets annoying as the game goes on.
You know, The more I think about Alpha Protocol, the more I noticed the similarities between it and Mass Effect 1, problems and all. So what makes this a steaming pile of shit while Mass Effect is a marvelous game that should be played. Well, they don't fuck up the action so badly, but most importantly, Mass Effect has a rich and engaging universe. The main story was excellent, everyone had an interesting backstory which fleshed out their character, every place you visited had it's own story, and every conversation you had only added more to an already deep universe. The game made you care about everything you did and every decision you made. Alpha Protocol fails to do that. Everyone is dull, nobody feels important, and the overall plot, which is not bad, only feels like an excuse to go shoot somebody. Even your character, Michael Thornton, feels incredibly bland and uninteresting. You could pin that on me because of the choices I've made, but that doesn't excuse the rest of the cast. Some relationships aren't even built right. In one mission, I had to choose between saving a woman and stopping a bomb from going off. Well gee, seeing as how I met the woman only 2 hours ago and haven't established any real connection with her, it's not really that hard of a decision is it? Now point me to the bomb before I shoot you with my completely inaccurate gun. Speaking of choices, that seems to be the only thing this game does right. This is the first game that delivers on the promise that everything you do does have a consequence. Sometimes this means pissing off someone you could have potentially helped you or causing a base to add more security. Not every decision is that dramatic, but you won't know that at the time, forcing you to really think about what you wanna do. When in a conversation with somebody, you only have about a second to answer, and when you need important information (or when there's a gun to your face) you have to come up with the right answers. Conversations are also used to build relationships with people that can help (or hurt) you later on. Once those words fly out your mouth though, that's it. No do-overs. You're stuck with whatever decision you made....unless of course you go to the dashboard on your 360 or PS3. PC owners, you're SOL. They did screw up on one aspect. When talking to someone, the conversation wheel (the display that lets you choose your options) doesn't clearly let you know what you're gonna say. The options usually tell you HOW you are going to say it, not what you're going to say. You'll get options like professional, suave, aggressive, and shit like that, but with only a second to respond, sometimes you'll pick an option only to find out it means the opposite of what you meant. Damn, time to go back to the dashboard.
I'm in the closing paragraph and it just occurred to me that I didn't even explain the story. Well, you're a new member of Alpha Protocol, a group not listed by the government. You get sent out on a mission where the people in charge betray you and secretly works for a weapons company who wants to start World War 3. Now rogue you have to compile all the evidence against them and bla bla bla. Take Splinter Cell Conviction, take out the dead daughter bit and replace it with Stark Industries before he went Iron Man and there's your story. And that's Alpha Protocol in a nutshell. It's a clusterfuck of ideas that might have actually work if the developers knew what the fuck they were doing.
Rating: Ass
NOTE: Why am I getting my ass kicked by some goth punk mute chick? Fuck this; I'm playing Blur.
It's not really a retro review if the game came out last generation, is it? Ah well, let's roll with it. Deathrow is one of those games that...well...no one has ever heard of it. No press release, no commercial, no friend telling you how good or bad it is, nothing. I mention this game and people give me that WTF look. So if it's so unheard of, why the hell is amazon.com charging so much? Fuckers. Anyway, Deathrow is about the made up sport sometime in the future called Blitz, which is a cross of hockey, basketball, ultimate frisbee, and MMA, and it all works quite well depending on which mode you play on. The goal is to score as many points as possible by throwing a disc into the opponents goal. You're free to whoop your opponents ass as you see fit (i.e. all the fuckin time). If rules are on, you can't hit someone when they're down. Sounds like something you want to do, but remember the AI takes full advantage of that rule too. It is possible to beat up on some till they can't get up anymore, and when you take out the whole team, you've won no matter what the score is or how much time is left on the clock. There are 4 quarters, and between each quarter, you can manage players' health, assuming you have enough money for it.
Season mode is really all about beating every team all the way up to the top. Each team has different tactics. Some like to coordinate offensive schemes, some are very defensive, and some are just in it to beat the living shit out of you, and unless your team can match that aggression, you're gonna wish you had rules on. There are two views: one is the sports view and one is the action view. The sports view looks like the camera angle from most hockey video games with the camera hovering over the action. The action cam puts the camera right behind the player you're controlling. For some reason, the arena you play in depends on what view you're in. The sports view plays fine, and get a friend to join and you can some damn good games of Blitz going. This is probably the most fun I ever had playing a fake sport. Then there's the action cam. Tell me if this makes sense. Left stick moves and looks, right stick strafe left and right. Does that make sense? NO! The controls are fuckin horrendous! Okay, Okay, I understand it was 2002, and the whole left stick to move - right stick to look things wasn't that well known or implemented then...actually YES IT WAS! What the fuck were they thinking? Didn't they see that this shit didn't work? I have never played movement controls so bad in my life. Somehow, they brought out the best and worst in me all in one sitting. One minute it's a great game; the next it's a piece of shit. I say if you can find it for cheap, pick it up and stay on sports view.
NOTE: I was told there was a way to change the controls, but I couldn't figure out how to change the sticks. Apparently, some people have no problem with the controls which I believe is fuckin amazing. Those are some well-trained hands.
I'm a fan of the Prince of Persia series starting with the Sands of Time. I always said gaming needs more puzzle platformers, and this is as good as it gets. There was a little hiccup with Warrior Within (it sucked), but the ship was righted with The Two Thrones and the book was closed on an epic storyline. 2008 introduced us to a new prince...who for some reason was not a prince (at least not yet; not until he knocks up Elika) and is played by Nolan North, the guy who does the voice of pretty much every single mother fucker in games lately. Jesus, if he keeps this up, he'll put Steve Blum and Cree Summers out of business and that's no easy accomplishment.....and it just occurred to me that you have no idea who I'm talking about. Despite the overused voice and a wardrobe that looks like a runaway ninja crashed into a Skittles factory, 2008's POP was a good game all around and a good launch pad for the next trilogy. I was getting syked about what they would for a sequel, then I finally got to see that the new POP...has nothing...to do....with this contingency.....wait what?
To make as much money as they can off the new movie coming soon, Ubisoft released a game in the Sand of Time storyline, effectively confusing everybody including me who thought they were fuckin done with that storyline and moved on. There's gonna be some trouble when both games are shelved side by side at Gamestop. You play as the Prince, not to be confused with the Prince who is not yet the Prince but probably will be Prince if he hooks up with...ah fuck that shit; let's just give them names. In the Forgotten Sands, you play as the Sands of Time Prince (who we'll call Sandy). Despite popular belief, this is not based on the movie, nor is this a sequel of the 2008 game starring Reject Ninja. The events takes place after the Sands of Time and before Warrior Within where Sandy visits his brother who despite actually having a name we'll call him Spongebob to keep with the theme here. Spongebob's kingdom is under attack and is about to go down like almost every Xbox 360 before 2009, and in order to save it he's releases the legendary Solomon's Army to aid in this fight. Sadly, evil sand pours from the vault...AGAIN...and creatures I'll called Beach Shoes emerge to destroy everything in their path. Now it's up to Sandy to do what he always does and hop, skip, jump, and repeatedly die his way to victory with some help from the woman who helped seal the Beach Shoes centuries ago: Water Hoes. It's a fine story but doesn't add anything to the overall story-arch. Hell, I don't know if it's really relevant at all. In my opinion, you can put Stone Cold Steve Austin in the game and it wouldn't make a difference, and in hindsight that might be for the best. We don't need a side project to fuck up to story here. Ask Metal Gear Solid fans.
As I describe the gameplay, stop me if this sounds familiar. You will run, jump, climb walls, climb poles, jump from pole to pole, wall jump, wall jump repeatedly between 2 walls, run on walls, run up walls, hang from poles, swing from poles, balance on beams, jump from beam to beam, dodge traps, solve puzzles, and inevitably fail a lot at trying to do all of the above. It's a tried and true formula that never gets old despite how many times I do it. It's one of those games where you say to yourself "Okay, I'll stop at the next checkpoint", and you're still playing 7 checkpoints later. Instead of sand, all your powers are given to you by Water Hoes to do what you need to to get from point A to point B. You can also upgrade Sandy like every other action game, making his health and attacks unfairly awesome, which leads to the biggest and probably only worth-noting change: combat. Instead of the stiff combat of Sandy's past games or Reject Ninja's stupid ass one on one move as slowly as possible duels, combat in this game is a little more fluid and a hellava lot more fun once you upgrade yourself to badass proportions. Not only that, but as much as 50 Beach Shoes can be on-screen at once. If you can win that fight without getting hit: 1) send a video of it, and 2) let's see you do that shit on Batman If there's one thing that Reject Ninja has on Sandy, it's that he has a partner who won't let him die, unlike Sandy who is only as alive as how often you're allowed to do a rewind. Now I know everyone made a big deal about not being able to die in Reject's game, but after playing Sandy's game, I can confidently say that you guys can shut the fuck up about it. In the Forgotten Sands, it's filled with so many save points. It seems like every time I go into another room, the game autosaves. It's funny how everyone likes how you can die in this game, but the effect is still the same. Am I the only one noticing this shit? Yea, in Forgotten Sands, you go back a little further, but a lot of times I don't even use my rewind because I know I'll spawn close by. How is that much different from Reject Ninja getting saved by Floaty Bitch? At the end of the day, Reject Ninja made you feel like you got bailed out, whereas Sandy makes you feel like you can't fail, but it's the same shit.
Rating: Sweet
NOTE: What was that? A closing paragraph? Bitch, I got 2 posts to do today. I don't have time for a closing paragraph.
You know, I had this big review prepared and everything, had pictures and videos selected for it, and even had commentary from a couple of friends, but then I realized that all of that is useless because I can describe Red Dead Redemption in one sentence and you will get the jist of it: It's fuckin GTA4 with horses! It's the same exact format; the only difference is time period. Cars are now horses, streets gangs are now bandits, skyscrapers are now cactuses...or is it cacti, and hookers are now.....well, they're still hookers, but you get my point. The only real gameplay difference is that RDR also uses the mark and execute and does it better than Sam Fisher every could. Does this make the game bad? Well, that depends on how tired you are for GTA. If you still like it after all this time, then pick it up and have yourself a good time. For me, it's good, and I plan to continue playing, but damn is this experience too familiar. The story is well-written, the characters are voiced nicely and are at the very least interesting to listen to, and the gameplay is still. I suggest you think about how much you love sandbox games before buying this.
Just 5 minutes ago, I sneaked into a military base, planted C4 on most of the jeeps, stole one for myself, got chased by the military police who were driving said jeeps, jumped onto the hood of my car, triggered the explosives, blew up the jeeps, and opened my parachute to sail away just before the jeep I was surfing on crashed into the side of a building. That is Just Cause 2 in a nutshell. This game puts new meaning to the phrase 'fuckin around'.
You play Rico...ummm...was it Rodriguez? I think it was Riviera. Hold on; let me see. Where the fuck did I put that instruction manual? Alright, here it is. Rodriguez, there we go. Anyway, R-Rod is sent to the extremely fake island of Panau, to cause as much chaos as possible to overthrow a bla bla bla. I stopped paying attention after chaos. I cared little about the story and even less about the characters. Everyone in this game have horrendous accents, even worse than the Saboteur. In fact, even the American accent is bad, and it's voiced by a fuckin American. Is it really so hard to find Asian people to do the accents for you (I forgot to mention that the island was in Asia)? It's not like you needed real talent - as proven by who you hired in the first place - so I think any ol' group of Asian people would do. They don't even sound like they're trying to be Asian; it sounds like they're trying to make fun of Asians. On this island, you're treated to jungles, forests, deserts, snowy mountains, plateaus, and cities all in one locale, and the cool thing is it's all arranged so that it makes sense to have all these different...geographical......shit. At the right height, you can actually see the whole island. There's no fog or anything to hide the island in order to save processing on rendering draw distances or any of that technical bullshit. No; you see everything, which is amazing seeing as how good the graphics are and how fuckin huge the island is. Seriously, with the fastest plane I could find, it took me a little under 5 minutes to get from one side of the island to the other. That is ridiculous.
It's a sandbox game, so I think we all know how these games work. I travel to a spot, start the mission (usually involves shooting), finish said mission, then go back to fuckin around until you're ready to start a new mission. The difference is that where most games encourage fuckin around, it's almost a requirement in this game. Almost everything destructive you do adds to your chaos, which acts like currency to unlock new missions. Sometimes I'd have no missions unlocked, so I went and blew up a few military bases for the hell of it. Sure enough, the chaos brought about new missions. Another outstanding feature is the grappling hook. It's used as you would think: Batman your ass all over the place. You can also tether 2 items together. Unless you're pulling someone off a sniper tower or mounted gun, the hook is pretty useless in a fight. Now, I said useless, but I didn't say boring. For example, while getting shot at by one lonely pathetic soldier, a helicopter appeared to take me out. So I hooked the soldier, tethered him to the helicopter, and ran away as the copter gave chase with his buddy hanging on. Helpful no, but fuckin funny. One time, I tethered a guy to a propane cylinder (at least I think it's propane; it's shaped like a helium tank), shot the cylinder, and he rocketed all over the place before blowing up. To round out this list of unique features is the insane stunts you can pull off. In the beginning, I mention I was car surfing while being pursued. That's just a little bit of a taste of what you can do in this game. Any vehicle in the game can pretty much be rode on top of and steered somewhat (except helicopters and planes). Combine that with a parachute and a grappling hook, and you are ready to have some fun my friends. Is it realistic? Hell no, but who cares? I can only imagine how that meeting with the game designers went........
Head Designer: Alright guys, I like the way this game is coming out
Designer #1: Well, we still don't have a bonafide hit here.
Designer #2: We have to separate ourselves from the other GTA clones
Head Designer: Does anybody have any ideas on how to do that?
Designer #3: Hey, what can we do to make the game more realistic?
Head Designer: I have an idea.
Designer #3: What?
Head Designer: You're fired.
The point this game treat realism like NJ Governor Chris Christie treats the public school system (Sad but True.....by Metallica). They are 2 complaints I have with this game. Until you upgrade your weapons, it takes a million billion bullets to put someone down, unless you get a headshot of course, but the weapons aint that fuckin accurate. And with a game that emphasizes chaos, shouldn't I have assess to heavy ordinances a little earlier in the game? This game also doesn't have mutliplayer, but seeing as how massive the game is, adding that might actually break the fuckin disc.
If you like fuckin around, then this is your game. It's been tailored made for people like you. Admittedly, the storyline take a long time to finish than you would expect, but when you think about it, you won't care about the story, and if you're not finish with it, it gives you something to do, something that this game is almost never short on.
Rating: Fuckin Around Awesome
NOTE: Anybody knows where I can get Power Stone 2 for Dreamcast on the cheap? Seriously, I'm not spending more than 20 bucks on the bitch, so these online prices I found can suck my dick.
Yes, I am no fan of stealth, but that doesn't mean I can't have an opinion on it. One of the main reason why I never liked stealth is because I was never any good at it. I get caught so easily, and because I'm a run and gun type of person, I tend to try to shoot it out which never works (except Metal Gear Solid 3 for some reason). Knowing that people like me suck, Splinter Cell tries to appeal to us by making the game as easy as possible without losing that sense of accomplishment, so if you're a regular jack-off who might be interested in stealth, then this is the game for you. If you're like me and don't like stealth at all, then this game can go fuck itself with the skull of Sam's dead daughter. If you are a stealth master, then this game (unless played online with other stealth masters) might turn you off because it's patronizingly easy.
This game takes place after the events in Double Agent, which leads to the first problem. The gameplay is built for newcomers at heart, but you have to play the last game to fully understand what the fuck is going on. Sam leaves the people he worked for and goes into hiding, his daughter's dead, yet that was part of a conspiracy. Sam's friend is dead, and I think he used to run the agency, which is run now by some dick who wants to take over the United States simply because this is a Tom Clancy game and someone is always trying to take over the U.S. for no real fuckin reason except they can. It's basically a lot of information to digest, and since you can only cover so much in one game, this leaves a lot of fuckin plot holes to those who haven't play the game before, and no, I haven't played the game before. And why is it that everyone wants to fuck with the U.S.? I like to play a modern game where the U.S. just fuckin chills in the background while the rest of the world duke it out. America doesn't have to be the center of every fuckin thing that happens. Do they think gamers won't like it unless they're fighting under the American flag? I would love to play a modern real world game where the U.S. isn't mentioned once bit. Some might say I'm being un-American, and they can fuck off. This is the most pro-American statement in gaming because I'm tired of my country being fucked with (especially by republicans).
I, for one, don't fully like the controls because they depend too much on the A button. In order to get Sam to do stuff that don't involve killing, you press A. Not only that, but you also have to be looking at what you need Sam to do in order for A to work. For example, to climb a wall, you have to look up and press A. Sounds simply, but when you're in a hurry, it's real easy to fuck it up. If you look too high up, you won't see the command to jump. Same thing if you look to low, and that pisses me off when I'm trying to hop a fence before the enemy sees me. Another example: to open a door you press A, and to peek under the door you press A. Confused? You have to look roughly waist high at the door in order to open it and look down at the floor to peek under it. Sounds like it's setup in a way you can't really fuck it up....until you fuck it up. There have been many times where I have accidentally opened the door to a room full of mercs who couldn't wait to show me a demonstration of their new-found love of killing dumb mother fuckas who open doors when they meant to peek under it because the controls are dick! The one thing I do like though is to take cover behind a wall or something, you hold down a button instead of pressing a button and being stuck like Velcro. The developers must not think likely of people like me because the AI is dumber than fuck with less brain cells than nuggets. These fucknuggets like to shout out exactly what their plans are like I can't fuckin hear them. Thanks guys; for a minute I thought I'd have to brain to figure out how to kill you. Shit, there are even times where I didn't really have to do shit. I'd just chuck a grenade in one direction, wait till they all run in that direction, and then run in the opposite direction. When the game calls for stealth, it's easy to crack some necks and keep it moving, but unbeknown to me were there moments where you don't really use stealth. The game provides you with little cover and tells you to go, and this happens ahellava lot during the last part of the game. So now it's a action game? Funny; I thought Sam's wasn't built to take a million billion bullets. Lets try shooting it out.............nope; doesn't work. Apparently, this is where you really need to use the mark and execute move, and it just occurred to me that I never explained that. When you kill an enemy with a sneak attack (B button), you earn a mark and execute which allows you to mark all the enemies you can and press Y to watch Sam kill them all. It felt so unless early in the game that I didn't even bother with it. It only after I've gotten my ass handed to me on several occasions by a large group of soldier with very limited cover at my disposal that moments like this were made for the mark and execute. I guess Ubisoft thought you would be a fuckin expert by now that you should be able to figure that shit out. Well excuse me mister game designer for wanting to use stealth to get through a situation, which is something this game is suppose to promote. In case you're wondering how to use mark and execute on the fucked up parts I mentioned, you mark everyone you can (guns have limits to how many people you can mark), you sneak attack one person which will probably alert the rest, and you use your now earned execute skill to clear the room. Only in hindsight can someone think of that shit. The leg of the game gives in way too much to action, which means trying to be stealthy may be the dumbest thing you can do. By the way, the mark and executes don't add up. If you sneak attack 2 guys, you can still only use it once, and once you use it, you have to sneak attack someone else. Well that's fuckin rewarding. Now you see why I didn't even bother with it to begin with. And don't even bother using stealth against other Splinter Cells because they know where you are using their own sonar goggles. I'm not saying you can't, but at this point, why would you want to.
Splinter Cell just doesn't appeal to me, which me the number 1 stealth game for me is still Batman (just kid; I have no favorite). I normally find stealth games a little hard for me, and when they make them easy, it's way too easy. Maybe I'm just too hard to please. I like to go on record to say that I don't hate stealth; I just like it better when it's an option rather than a requirement like Uncharted 2. Conviction doesn't strike any chords in people jaded about stealth, but maybe it wasn't meant to. If you're not on board by now, why bother, right?
Rating: Meh
NOTE: Months later and I'm still trying to beat Dragon Age. That bitch is hard even on casual difficulty. And the bosses....bull fuckin shit. They go waaaaay beyond cheap.
Ah shit, no this game. I can't play Castlevania. Do you know how hard this game series is? The creators take great joy in making gamers cry. There is no way I'm playing this game. Then again, it's a brand new game on PSP (well, not new because it's been out since 2007), and this generation is dedicated to easier games for those who may not be experts. Who knows, maybe they made this game much easier than I'm thinking. Well, let's give this a try...................yep, still a bitch to play.
This is probably one of the easiest games I ever had to describe. You move left or right, you jump when need to, and you attack enemies. That's it. Your weapon is a whip which can only be used to attack in front of you, and this is where I get pissed off with the series. In every 2D Castlevania game except one, you can only whip in one direction (2 if you look behind you). I guess they left it like that to keep it challenging, but Super Castlevania 4 allowed you attack in 8 directions, and that game was hard as fuckin hell. Dracula X Chronicles is actually 2 games: Rondo of Blood and the PS1 classic Symphony of the Night, and I can't for the life of me figure out how the fuck to play SOTN, which sucks because that's the reason I bought this game. I guess you have to unlock it by beating Rondo of Blood, which is something I can't do because this bitch is hard as fuck. Fortunately, there aren't a lot of cheap deaths in Rondo of Blood like there were in old Castlevania games like getting hit by an enemy which caused you to jump back, and if you were by an edge you fell off and died. I've only had that problem on one stage so far, and it's currently what I'm trying to beat. The problem: I can't beat Death (all the old Castlevania fans right now are like 'ah maaan' because they know exactly what I'm talking about).
I recommend Casltevania for the hardcore gamers and/or fans of the series....or masochists who can't get enough punishment. I wish i could say more about the game, but I have to beat it first. Maybe one day I'll come back and revisit this review. Ha, maybe one day I can actually beat Death.
Rating: Sweet
NOTE: Seriously, I die in the cheapest fuckin ways when facing Death. I'm tired of getting hit by shit flying at me from off-screen.
Dante's Inferno owners: look at your game. Now look at mine. Back to your game, and now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine, but it sure as hell tried to be like mine with its sense of scale, camera angles, and weapons that can be politely described as formidable and best describe as fuckin awesome. Your game only had only thing going against it; it wasn't mine. It also didn't help that Dante was released a month before Kratos. Let this be a lesson to all: no one can compete against the god of murder....not god of war; god of murder, disembowelment, chaos, genocide, death defying, rage, and above all else, banging random chicks. Take that you pussy-whipped Dante.
The game does have its share of problems, and all of them (except for my friends the quick time events) stem from the story. Why? Well, the story begins with Kratos riding Gaia as she and the other titans climb up Mount Olympus after Zeus where he falls off, ends up in Hades, and is stripped of his powers. Really? AGAIN!? How many times must we send Kratos to hell before we realize it's fuckin pointless? And why must we find some whacked-out reason as to why Kratos loss his powers. In fact, why cause him to lose his powers? Can we just build on what he already has? The story also has a tendency to go all over the place. It's not bad or complicated in the least bit, but it's not single-focused as the first 3 games were. The end-game is to kill Zeus, but that's not the only goal here.
The gameplay is what you'd expect from a GOW game, i.e. not changed one fuckin bit.
[Neil]: Shooting Locust from behind chest high walls.
Shut up. Anyway, to say it hasn't changed at is a bit of a lie. For starters, and I can't be the only one who noticed this, there are no more balance beams. You're probably saying right now "So What?" Well, the balance beam parts sucked balls; that's what. I like the fact that it's gone. In terms of weapons, GOW finally did something I didn't think it was capable of doing: having other fuckin useful weapons. Of course, this only applies to the Cestus because the other 2 are nothing more than blades on chains....yea. I guess when one chained weapon works so well, why not have more right? Each weapon has it's own magic attack, but like most GOW games, 2 of them prove to be bloody useless. Umm, what else? Oh yea, There are other powers that uses a yellow meter instead of the blue meter. These powers are mainly used to get around the environments, but they can be used for combat.
You know you have a great game when I have to reach deep down to my soul to find something wrong with it. At this point, saying GOW is good is like saying the sky is blue. In fact, its been a month now since its release, so if you don't own it, then what the fuck is wrong with you.
[Neil]: I don't own a PS3
Sucks to be you.
[Neil]: Whatever. I'm gonna go play GOW
I though you said you didn't have a PS....oh yea. Dumbass
Rating:Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Titan mode
NOTE: You know Neil, no one else is gonna get that GOW joke.
DARK Sector is probably the most appropriate for this game because even when you're outside in the middle of the fuckin day, the game is dark as hell. Jesus, it's like I'm playing Saboteur again, except no titties. I know light is hard to program, but is it so difficult to make it so that I can fuckin see!? Other than that, it's a generic ass third person shooter. That blade you throw is pretty cool, but that'll get old quick because...well, you'll be doing that all damn day to make the gameplay somewhat entertaining. Even by 2007's standards, this game is boring as hell. Normally a game that is boring is rated Meh, but this game boring to the point of ass. The only good thing about it is that I was able to get it for five bucks at work. In other words:
This 5 buck box, suck lots of cocks I shouldof bought Gears, that rocks and rocks It sucks as a game It suck as a box I'd rather have someone pull my dreadlocks [Neil]: What comes in this box, that sucks some cocks A cool weapon held, by a butt munch [Cheerleaders]: His right handed tool, is pretty cool [Neil]: World domination and a plot twist? Both on the list, and now let me think, enemies that stink. [Neil]: That does suck a lot in just one box But it was only 5 bucks, so my wallet still rocks
Gee, this year's already starting to seem like the year of rip-offs apparently. First Bayonetta as the Devil May Cry rip-off, then Darksiders ripping off Zelda while trying to make it look like God of War. Now we've reached Dante's Inferno, a blatant copy of God of War,and the Saints Row of action games, except Saints Row actually matched the level of awesome of the game it copied from. Dante, copying off of Kratos isn't a bad idea...if you do it right, but unfortunately for you you copied from too high a bar and failed to meet expectations. If you had done your own thing, Inferno would have been something truly spectacular, but now the best you can hope for is people calling you that 'God of War-like' game.
Dante is a crusade knight who probably should have died when stabbed in the back during the war, but somehow has the skills to kill Death himself and take his scythe. Despite the fact you're supposed to be a normal human, I have to admit, that's pretty bad-ass. Only a handful of people could pull that off: the Belmonts (Castlevania series), ninjas, and Kratos, although give Master Chief a Spartan Laser and we might see something interesting. He returns home from war to find his wife and some fat dude dead, and Lucifer dragging his love's soul down to hell for something Dante must have done. Since he was in the crusades, maaaaaybe it has something to do with the hundreds upon hundreds of people he slaughtered, or maaaaybe the people in charge of the afterlife have a problem with you killing their employee of the month and stealing his tool. Either way, Dante now goes through hell to get his love back. This game is based on the famous poem (which is basically a novel) the Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri, and although I didn't read it, I have a funny feeling the original story didn't have Dante storming through the Devil's house and fuckin up his furniture.
The developer went through great length into making Hell a place you don't want to travel through, and in doing so, it makes Hell a place you want to travel through. Hmm, that seemed to make more sense in my head, but the point is Hell is more....hellish than you think and sets the tone of the game like no other. Each circle of hell you pass (there are 9 total) has it's own theme and set of monsters that range from gross to 'I'm not gonna sleep at night'. Don't believe me? Play through the first circle Lust. Seeing a giant demon woman with acid-drooling mouths where her nipples were supposed to be and has minions that shoot tentacles out of their panooches makes you rethink that date you had planned. That reminds me, happy early Valentine's Day. The developers tried a little too hard with being creepy though, like unbaptized babies with hook arms, and some stuff come out as goofy instead.
Now to talk about the combat: God of War with a lot less combos. That's it. The only difference besides the weapons of choice is that Dante doesn't link his attacks like Kratos. If anything, Dante fights more like War from Darksiders because light and heavy attacks don't blend together to make combos. Also, what moves you can do are much more limited.
What more can I say? Anything else would just be a review of God of War, and that's not coming till April. Yep, I'm doing another PS3 review because Kratos is that awesome. For those who don't have a PS3, this is pretty much as close as you're gonna get. It's good, don't get me wrong, but more was expected.
Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Rings of Death
NOTE: Good news and bad news. The good new is this is the first review I've ever posted on the release date of the game. The bad news is because of that fact, it's hard to find decent vids on the game, at least without having to put the content warning page up. Maybe I'll post some later. I would put up pix, but I'm trying to get away from that.
Crazy 11 days people, just crazy. All my free time has been on video games, and it's reached the point that I go to sleep dreaming about the games I've played; I am not joking. Now that I got Mass Effect 2.....whole days gone. Laundry's not done, room not cleaned, friends and family not contacted. I may not even do a review on ME2 because I may accidentally reveal too much awesome and ruin it for you. Anyway, it's time to put all that experience online, and the best way to do that is not one, not two, but THREE reviews in one post! So let's kick this off with Darksiders.
In Darksiders, you play as one of the four horsemen, and at this point you should be able to guess which one. Famine and Pestilence are clearly pussies, so they're out of the picture, and while Death is an interesting choice, that would makes things too easy. All he would have to do is show up and everybody dies. He like the Superman of horsemen, and upon further thought I guess that makes Pestilence Aquaman. So obviously you play as Batman...I mean War. Apparently, War accidentally started the apocalypse and released the demons and angel unto Earth for the final round of Friday night fights. Stripped of his powers by whoever the fuck is in charge, War is sent back to either correct the mistake he made or die trying. Or course, being the almighty and powerful fuck up that you are, they don't entirely trust you, so they sent some ghostly figure to watch your ass constantly.
In my Bayonetta review, I said that Darksiders had little in common with God of War, and while I'm somewhat correct, this game sure as hell tricks you into thinking it will be. You start off cutting everything in your path, but then you reach your first dungeon or temple and realize "Hold up; this is a lot like Zelda." That's because it is Zelda, only it has the God of War coat of paint. You have your hookshot, you have your version of the boomerang, you have a horse (well he is a horseman so you can't really call that copying), you have to find maps and keys and bla bla bla. And to top it all off, you get a Portal gun, making it 3 games Darksiders blatantly stole from. I guess what you have to ask yourself is that do you like Zelda, or in this case a bloody, 8-10 hour long Zelda. If the answer is yes, then you will love this game despite the fact it has absolutely no identity of its own. I found it to be entertaining. The levels are well thought out, the puzzles are clever, and the story is....nevermind. Combat though is the one thing I don't like. There are no real combos except press X a lot. If you want to be fancy, you can press Y a lot once you get a second weapon. Your basically mashing X the whole time. The block is a fuckin joke. It only blocks a few of the attacks, and if you move the left stick and block at the same time, he'll do a dashing dodge move instead. Sometimes when you mean to block, you'll dash instead, and that can really fuck things up. Speaking of fucking thing up, the camera sucks.....that's all I have to say. If you die a lot, that's probably why. All in all, Darksiders is a good game and something I recommend renting on a Friday night unless you're busy picking up hookers.
The Saboteur is one of those games that start off with the phrase "like Grand Theft Auto but...", and in this case Saboteur is like Grand Theft Auto but boring. Your missions basically comes down to either saving someone, killing someone, or blowing something up, and that would have been fine, if the missions were presented better. In most missions, you have the option of either using stealth or run n' gun - or as I like to call it 'go Rambo'. More often than not, going Rambo is probably the stupidest fuckin idea in the world as the whole compound will collapse on your stupid Irish ass. You could use the stealth option, and even go as far as disguise yourself, but guards gets suspicious extremely fuckin quickly leaving no choice but to go Rambo. I like a game that demands that you think before you act, but it seems like everything I try gets me killed, and that pisses me the fuck off. Ultimately, that's the problem with Saboteur; it's boring when you're succeeding and frustrating when you fail. Even if it does have tits, I see no reason to get this, especially since GTA: Episodes from Liberty City came out shortly before that.
I just realized that I didn't even explain what the game is about, which would explain why some of you were confused when I called your ass Irish. You play an Irishman who start a revolution against the Nazi in Paris France of all places. Why an Irish hero in France? Hell if I know. Maybe the now defunct studio that made the game really like the Irish (they did provide us a holiday specifically designed for drinking...awesome). Maybe they believed a French hero would be a oxymoron. Who knows. Who cares? All I know is that the voice actors suck. These are some of the worst accents I have ever heard in my life. They can't even sound like they're faking an accent. Shit, Assassin's Creed 2 did it; why couldn't Saboteur? This games sucks.
In a surprising change of direction, Need for Speed went the driving sim route this time around, and I have to say, I like it better than the stupid ass street racing titles they been putting out. It's also one of the easiest driving sims you'll ever play. It's kinda like a My First Driving Sim kind of game with an emphasis on keeping it simple for the unwatched masses by providing assist to help with steering and whatnot. Take off the assist however, and you will find that this one hard mother fucking game. It's almost like the game is punishing you for not taking its help, and wants to make you pay by making you spin out as much as possible, which leads me to my first problem: controls. To me, driving sims CANNOT be played with a traditional controller. You can't really turn as smooth as you want to because the analog isn't made to. I found myself tapping the left stick over and over in order to make some of the turns without turning sharply, and that's annoying. If you have the cash, I say find a good wheel before playing any driving sim or else you will be fuckin annoyed. Shift has a system that determines your driving style. If you makes your turns cleanly, don't hit anybody when passing, or staying on the racing line, you're precision driving. If you hit people, spin your back out on turns, and draft, you're driving aggressively. Online, it's good to see what kind of drivers you're dealing with, but ultimately the system is fuckin useless. Even if you're a precision driver, you're gonna drive aggressively if you feel you're gonna lose, and if you're in the lead, how are you gonna drive aggressively? Besides, hitting people is usually a bad fuckin idea in a driving sim unless you want to see how flips your car can do before the ambulance shows up.
Shift feels like a game that wasn't finished. It only has 72 cars, which is pathetic compared to other sims. The career mode is extremely short and easy to finish. The customization is lacking compared to other Need for Speed titles (although I guess that should be expected), and there's no split screen mutliplayer. I know online gaming is some very revolutionary shit, but how can you leave split screen out? I'm tired of games doing that. I guess the lack of cars and shortness of the career mode is okay since this is made for those who don't normally play racing sims. Forza is the better choice, but Shift is still good.
Rating for Darksiders: Sweet
Rating for The Saboteur: Ass
Rating for Need for Speed Shift: Sweet
Rating for GTA: Episodes from Liberty City: Fuckin Awesome
NOTE: Only a good ninja could have snuck that GTA rating in there.
Long ago, I said I was tired of seeing half naked women protagonists in my video games. It's not that I don't like boobs and ass; far from it. Whether real or digital, I can appreciate a good pair, and admittedly, I've done some stuff just to see said pair of digital boobs. So why complain? Well, as much as I like boobs and ass, I really hate cliches, and this is probably the oldest in any form of media. Take role playing games for example. Whose wearing the least amount of armor? The women, and yet we're suppose to believe that they're well covered despite the fact that her male counterpart is getting his ass handed to him while wearing nothing short of a Toyota car. Also, how am I suppose to take them seriously when dress like that? You mean to tell me that Miss Mary Cleavage over there is going to save the world, and do it while wearing a skin-tight bikini? Well that sounds like bullshit. Might as well let a stripper do your taxes. If you walked into a bank, and the woman behind the desk giving you banking advice was fully naked, would you take her advice or even listen to a word she say? Fuck no. And I just love the fact that these girls don't think twice about how inappropriate their wardrobe is for that occasion. I can keep going, but I'll save that for another post. After saying that, it's safe to assume I have a problem with Bayonetta, right? Well....no. I couldn't care less. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I fuckin love it, and don't know why. Maybe it's because she's British. Maybe because the premise behind her clothing is so wacky and out there, you have to like it to some extent. Maybe it's because unlike most under-dressed women who are expected to be taken seriously, Bayonetta doesn't give a fuck. She knows she's putting on a show, and she'll continue to do so. Or maybe, just maybe, she stars in one of the most kick ass games you can buy for your Xbox. No matter how she's dressed, Bayonetta is fuckin awesome, and can kick the ass of most action game characters, including Dante and his pussy counterpart Nero. She's automatically in my top 5 most badass people. (Master Chief, Wolverine, Ryu Hayabusa, Bayonetta, and Marcus Fenix).
I would just like to say that its time to stop with the God of War comparisons. I can see how people who don't play many games can make that judgment, but why are gameheads doing it? And it's not just Bayonetta. Almost every action game with blood in to gets compared it Kratos whether its warranted or not. Take a good look at Bayonetta and God of War. Both games couldn't be farther apart except for maybe a genre change. God of War is a great game, but not every game is trying to be like it, and that goes double for Darksiders (review coming soon). I heard people call it God of War mixed with Zelda, and although I see the Zelda comparisons, there is no God of War to be found as of yet (although the videos can trick you in believing otherwise). As for Bayonetta, I consider this game as the close cousin to Devil May Cry more than anything else, which is safe to say because the game director for Bayonetta worked on DMC4.
Another cliche I hate but will give a pass to Bayonetta is the amnesia angle. In the beginning, she wakes up after 200 years not knowing a damn thing....except she's a witch who can do kick ass shit, and she works for the legions of Inferno (this games version of Hell), which is why she kills angels. So, while kicking as much ass as possible, Bayonetta (along with the player) is discovering who she is and what happened to her. This cliche get a pass for 2 reasons. The first reason is that it doesn't seem like a cop out. A lot of writers use the amnesia angle simply because it's easy, but this game uses that for plot AND character development instead of just what the person did before losing their memory. The second reason is that after a while, you'll forget she even has amnesia. The game doesn't beat you over the head with the fact, and when it does remind you, it only makes you more curious, and then makes you want to play more to see why this person or thing is so important or why this person is such a dick and so on. It's almost as if the game itself doesn't really care. They tell you in the beginning she has amnesia, and then the plot device goes somewhere to take a nap, only to wake up periodically because it remembered it has a job to do. Then again, my account of this could be inaccurate because as I was playing, my attention focus less on Bayonetta and more on the world around her. Platinum games did a great job at crafting a universe around her and I found myself lost in the backstory between the Lumen sages and the Umbra witches. I would say more about the story, but this is something you need to experience for yourself, not to mention the fact that it gets real fuckin confusing if the story is told to you second handed.
Despite the story, what we're really here for is the combat, and this is where Bayonetta automatically jumps to top contender for Game of the Year for 2010 (yea, I'm predicting it already). Did you like Devil May Cry? This game shits all over that. The combos are elaborate as all hell, but you better know what you're doing, or else you'll get bitch-slapped repeatedly. This game tricked me in the beginning into thinking I can just go in and button mash as long as I can dodge the incoming attacks, and technically you can, but when surrounded by tough enemies, it's best to know the quickest way to kill them. Besides, you can't dodge everything (you can sure as hell try). But what makes this game so crazy isn't the combos or dodge system or increasingly difficult angels you have to kill; it's how she fights. How many people do you know can shoot guns with their feet? That's right; her FUCKIN FEET! She has a gun on each foot, and by default, that's 4 guns she's packing. If that wasn't enough, all her magical attacks (most which comes at the end of her combos) uses her hair. Crazy, but apparently not crazy enough. To completely throw this over the edge of sanity, her clothes are made up of her hair, so when she uses her magic, it leeches off of her clothing making her body more exposed. She's practically naked when she summons giant demon animals to kill the bosses, and I appreciate that. Nothing makes sense, but you won't care because it's so awesome. When you unlock new weapons, then things really open up. Now you're equip with more than just guns. There are swords, whips, claws, and even shotguns, and yes, you can equip the shotguns onto your feet (and it is awesome). Each weapon handles different, but still uses the same set of combos so you don't have to learn a new set of moves. Really, the only complaint I have about this game (besides the camera, which is common in almost every action game) this that there's no block button. You have the dodge, and it works really well (and if you do it right, you'll slow down time), but when shit hits the fan, I'd feel more comfortable blocking than dodging.
Go Japan!
There is no reason why not to get this game.
[Neil]: What if they're under 18?
Correction, there's one reason not to get this game.
[Neil]: What if the person is a woman who finds the portrayal of the main character offensive?
.....Then there's 2 reason why you shouldn't buy this game.
[Neil]: What if they don't like violence?
OKAY! Fine! 3 reasons. Other than that, you should really get this game. This is one of the best action games for Xbox360 and one of the few instances where it's worth the 60 bucks you spent. It's crazy, imaginative, sexy, and just downright fun. I mean, what's there to hate about it?
[Neil]: What about the depiction of religious entities as it's portrayed......
NEIL, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Rating: Fuckin Awesome
NOTE: I'm not saying strippers aren't smart enough to do your taxes. I'm just saying they shouldn't be your first choice. Ninjas on the other hand.....
Welcome back. I hope you all had a great new year's day because I certainly didn't. We had a typical New England winter storm which fucked with the roads and made all my friend coward in fear, and because of that, the best I could do was a sports bar that closes at 12 fuckin 30. Well, fuck it. There's no use in dwelling in the past. That was 2009, and this is 2010. Yea! A new beginning, and what better way to start than to do a PS3 game. This review would have came sooner, but I wanted to play the first Uncharted. Sadly, nobody's Uncharted works because of a firmware update, and Sony has yet to fix the problem, so fuck it. I'm gonna have to do this with no prior knowledge whatsoever. The reason I'm reviewing this game in the first place is because I've heard so much good stuff about it, I had to see for myself because there was no way it could be that good. Well....I was kinda right. Let me just say that this game is pretty sweet. If you own a PS3, this game is a good buy, and it's online mode will keep you busy for a while. You probably heard all the good shit, so with that said, I will do what nobody else will do...BASH THE HOLY HELL OUT OF THIS GAME!
The first problem I have is Nathan Drake himself simply because he's suppose to be the "ordinary" guy. Bull fuckin shit to that, and Sony's marketing department must think we're fuckin retarded if they thought we would buy into that shit. Then again, the PSPGo is on the market, so I guess that confirms they do think that way. What ordinary man do you know looks that stereotypically good looking? More importantly, what ordinary man do you know takes on armed mercenaries....AND WINS!? The man's about as ordinary as Jean-Claude Van Dam on steroids, and upon retrospect that's not a bad idea for a game. Drake is super athletic, super handy with a gun, and super smart when it comes to fuckin lost civilizations. Ordinary he ain't. To Uncharted 2's credit, that was never really pointed out anywhere. That was Uncharted 1's fault for putting it on the box, but still...
Anyway, Nathan Drake just rubs me the wrong way. Part of the reason may be because he's so fuckin greedy and stupid! In the end, he saves the world (theoretically), but that's wasn't the original end-goal. All he wanted was the money, and after getting beat by the enemy...REPEATEDLY...he keeps coming back for more. Seriously, how many times can one person be cornered and forced to drop his weapon before he gets the fuckin point!? Count your losses and GO...THE FUCK...HOME! You vs a small army is usually a good indicator that what you're about to do isn't necessarily a good idea. If he was a hero, I could understand, but he's not, at least not until the end. Besides, the bad guy is an International criminal. I'm sure there are a lot of government officials who would like to know his fuckin whereabouts, and they probably would reward you handsomely for it (except Mexico). Drake is also too much of a smartass. Now, being a smartass isn't necessarily a bad thing (I'm one myself), but if you're not good at it, it becomes unbearable. Saying 'Oh great...' every time the enemy shows up is not witty my friend, and being witty is essential to being a smartass. Mr. Drake, you lack wit.
Gameplay has it's own share of annoyances, and the cover system seems like a good place to start. The game has that real sticky kind of cover where it takes fuckin forever to get unstuck. Like most games with a cover system, there's always that awkward period when you finally get unstuck that your player stands up, and then gets hit by a million bullets before finally moving. It's a real quick moment (half a second, maybe less), but fuckin annoying when you have maybe one hit point. Of course there's no way of knowing that because (by law apparently) all shooters have to have no health bar and regenerative health. I'm pretty sure that's not ordinary either! You can swiftly move from cover to cover like in Gears of Wars 2, but that's only in theory apparently. Whenever I tried, instead of Drake moving from pillar to pillar, he moved from one side of the pillar to another side OF THE SAME FUCKIN PILLAR, exposing me to lots of unhealthy gun fire. Thank you Naughty Dog for a completely useless application. Sometimes, it feels like guns don't pack enough punch. Maybe it was particular guns I was using, but either way, it shouldn't take a whole clip to take down an enemy...except for the juggernaut. I know they have armor, but c'mon. Uncharted also features a stealth element, and I like it basically because it's only an option...at least after you complete this asinine stealth mission, which sucks balls. You can't been seen or you'll fail, but you will be seen because you're just getting used to the fuckin controls! And why is this mandatory when stealth in the rest of the game is optional? I guess you want to train the player, but if he's not gonna use it, then what's the point? And why suck a long stage for it anyway? The graphics are downright awesome, and probably the best graphics ever on a console. That means you can't tell what's background wallpaper and what's something you can actually fuckin climb on. You won't know what you can climb on until you try and eventually fail because the rocks and shit on the wallpaper look exactly like the rocks and shit you can climb on. So, you'll spend a lot of time jumping up and dry humping invisible walls until you finally figure out where the fuck you were suppose to go. Shit, I don't remember having this problem with Prince of Persia or Tomb Raider. Then when you spend too much time fuckin around, the game tells you to press up on the d-pad to show you the way. Why couldn't I have this option earlier? You don't want to make it standard because players will abuse it (like Batman's detective mode) but I shouldn't have to wait 10 butt humping minutes for the game to help me either. I shouldn't even fuckin need it! Every once in a while, you'll run into a puzzle you have to solve, and that would be fun if the answer wasn't fuckin boldface told to me. Open up Nate's little book, and there you go. Yea, you can always not look at the book, but the little prompt that pops up almost always makes you anyway because subconsciously you're trained to press buttons that are prompted up on the screen. See why I hate quick time events? Thankfully, this game doesn't have any.
So, no. This is not a Game of the Year candidate in my book. It does nothing spectacular and feels too much like a Hollywood B movie, which obviously was the developers' goal. Everything you see was design to make this as cinematic as possible like a summer blockbuster you waste 8 dollars to go see in theaters (not counting the cost of popcorn). It looks cool, but doesn't provide much of a story. I never did follow the story, but that's mainly because I couldn't figure out why I should care. Maybe the first game would have help, but I don't that since it's been already established in my head the Drake is an idiotic douche, and therefore everybody is too by default, except Chloe who wanted to go home like a smart human being. But you know what? The game kept my interested till the end, it had a bunch of cool stuff you can do as seen in the videos above, and multiplayer was fun. If you have a PS3, get it. For those of you confused, the purpose here was to tell you why it's not game of the year material, not to scare you away from buying it.
Rating: Sweet
NOTE: I seriously don't see what the big fuzz is about. Tell me!
