Retro Review - Sonic Shuffle

Back in the days of the ol' Xbox360 blog, I claimed that Sonic Shuffle was the 4th worst game in Sonic history, and I made that claim without actually playing it and only looking at gameplay footage. Well, somebody called me out on that saying I can't make that kind of judgment without playing it first, and you know what? I took that to heart. With the power of the internet, I was able a copy (brand new) of Sonic Shuffle, and it turns out I snapped to judgment too soon. I've learned now that you can't really judge a game until you pick up the controller and play it. It was very unprofessional of me, and I was wrong. Sonic Shuffle is not number 4 on the worst Sonic games list; it's number fuckin 2! It catapults itself ahead of Sonic for 360 and Sonic the Fighters easily.

How do you fuck up a rip-off of Mario Party? Well, Let's see. First, tack on a very awful storyline about the world of dreams or some shit. Then, add a dash of shitty mini-games. Once all that comes to a boil, remove it and place it on a game board that is un-fuckin-necessarily huge with numerous goals that'll make playtime through one board take more than an hour. That last part KINDA makes sense since this is suppose to be a mutliplayer game, but seriously, when do story mode, what friends of yours are going to join you? And why is there a story? Since when does a board game need a fuckin story? Imagine playing Trouble and the board  game starts talking about war prisoners trying to escape and get home, only to be caught repeating by waring factions, and your job is to get them home before the other prisoners do. Kinda ruins the fuckin moment doesn't it? I believe that's the time you chuck that son of a bitch into the fireplace. Of course, there are the mini-games. Isn't that what made Mario Party fun? Isn't that the fuckin point? Yea, and Sonic Shuffle fucked them up. Never have I played such boring mini-games before. We are talking Wii Play boring here people. We're talking Fusion Fenzy 2 boring. We're talking every single game in my Worst Xbox360 Games list boring. There is no fun whatsoever in this game at all. They is no redeeming qualities, not even the graphics. Look at Jet Grind Radio, then look at Sonic Shuffle. They is no reason SS should look like that when JGR (a much more demanding game on memory) looks that good. I know it's hard to judge graphics after being spoiled by today HD awesomeness, but when you look like shit compared to a game that was not only released first, but made within the same fuckin company.....I'm overreacting. The graphics on the characters are fine, but everything else look bla.

I couldn't even finish the first stage. Actually, I did finish, but I didn't win. I never win. I don't understand how they decide the overall winner, but I know I'm never it. And this is when I have enough strength to actually sit through the first stage. I least I was able to finish Sonic for 360 and Sonic the Fighters. Hell, I even finished Sonic R if you believe that. I even got past the first stage in Sonic Spinball, and that's something most people can't do. I just can't stand Sonic Shuffle; I just can't. I would rather put my own balls in my mouth during a summer day in Arizona.

NOTE: A sweaty speedbag is never a good thing.

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 (STS) (W)

What if I told you this game aint half bad? What if I said the mini-games are actually fun to play? What if I said this game is a great game for women to play? Well, it's not. Oh, it was fun for an hour, but after a while I was done.there's not that many mini-games, and most of them aint that good to begin with.

They're sisters. Don't get any ideas.

So, Zack from the fighting series owns his own island. Apparently he owned 2 islands because it's called NEW Zack Island. The next game should be in a city with a beach; that way you can call it New Zack City.........I'm sorry. Anyway, Z does the smart thing and invite a bunch of chicks to the island to play some games in bikinis that range from standard to camel toe causing extremely inappropiate, and really that's the point of the game: girls and bikinis. The mini-games are just something for them to do while their tits jiggle.

Here are the games you play: volleyball, jet ski race, beach flag race (2 girls lay in the sand facing opposite the flag. Once the race starts Both girls will get up, turn around, and race to the flag), water slide (steer your ass, and try not to fall off), butt battle (2 girls try to knock each other off a platform using only their butts), pool-hopping (jump from platform to platform floating in a pool), tug of war, and some other shit I can't remember right now. Volleyball wouldof been fun if I can fuckin win, and jet ski racing kinda reminds me of Wave Rae on 64, except less fun. Other than that, the mini - games are shit. The only thing I like in this game is the casino. Roullette, poker, blackjack, and slots that actually pay are fun, but I can get these games somewhere else....for free....online on my PC.

And that's it. That's the game. Ogle the girls and play mini - games....boooooooooo. Like I said, it's fun in the beginning, but it wont hold your attention long enough to unlock the pole-dancing scenes. Oh, did I forget to mention there's pole-dancing.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: Do you know how embarrassing it is asking for this game at stores? This game is in the Hall of Shame simply because it's not a real game. Why don't they just make a porno? You know they want to.