Afro Samurai

"The Number One headband; symbol of the greatest fighter alive, whose form and skill transcends all to become a work of art, a prayer; he who wears it shall rule mankind as a god. Only the warrior who wears the Number Two headband has the right to challenge the Number One for the sacred powers he possesses, or so the legend goes." (Manual page 2). The hit mini-series gets it own game that follows the events of the first season of Afro Samurai while having the player hack through a legion of people Afro must have pissed off at one time or another. Although the hacky slashy is good mindless fun, there are some mean drawbacks that prevent me from recommending this game at full price unless you have a creepy fetish for afros.

Challenge me, when you're ready to duel a God.

As a boy, Afro witnessed the murder of his father by the hands of Justice (the man in the picture above) for the Number One headband. Now an adult, Afro is the Number Two and is on a quest to get revenge against the man who killed him. I won't go any further with the plot because that's half the fun, but if you saw the mini-series, there are moments in the game that'll make you scatch your head. The story has been altered a bit to benefit the game, and some of the changes are understandable, but sometimes I had to pop in the show's DVD just to make sure I wasn't crazy. You won't see alot of big "Hold up; that aint right" moments, but some of them will leave you confused.

Stripper ninjas...AWESOME!

The combat is your standard button mashing: X to slash across, Y to slash up/down, B to kick, A to jump, RT to block. So far so standard. What this game does do differently is its perfect slice mechanic. Hold the left trigger to slow down time then hold the X or Y button till this little shiny shimmer reaches the tip of the sword and then release the button. If it connects with the enemy, he/she/they will be sliced. The cool part about it is that it will slice the enemy exactly how you cut them. No pre-rendered moves or cuts. The wound will follow the exact path of the sword. So If you cut the enemy diagonally in the arm, it will fall off diagonally. Awesome. Don't think that will work every time. Some enemies will dodge your slice if you don't set them up first or catch them off guard. Some enemies are just too big and strong or excellent blockers (or both) and can't be taken down with one hit. Even if you can take them out, you better not get hit by anybody else who might be on the field because it will cancel your slice attack. Also it doesn't work on bosses so don't try it. Even as a button masher, it's not exactly easy. The enemies will try to dodge and counter-attack, especially the ninjas. After a while you have to learn how to get around attack patterns because XXXXXXX will only take you so far. Your biggest enemy in this game though will be the camera which always seems to fuck with you. First of all, the camera might be too close to Afro and it's hard to see everything. Secondly, you're constantly rotating the bitch to try to get the best view because the best view is never presented to you. Lastly, the camera really like to go schizo when you're facing bosses, and the boss battles are really bullshitty. The bosses are frustrating enough without having the camera messing up.

Now that's just disrespectful

Even if the gameplay were to suck balls, I would still play this for 2 reasons: the soundtrack and Ninja Ninja. The game music is mostly composed by the RZA of the Wu-Tang Clan (aint nothing to fuck with) is a sweet blend of hip-hop and traditional Japanese music, and not only does it fit the action onscreen, it's just sounds awesome. The music alone made me want to give this game a try. Then there's Ninja Ninja: Afro's imaginary friend. This dude is funny as all hell. "Thinking about your father, huh? Which part...the head or the body?" Or how about when the woman Afro loved died? "If every girl I've ever stuck my dick in died a few hours later, I'd put that shit in my resume`" This dude is always ripping Afro about something, and it is always funny.

The next Karate Kid

This is good mindless fun, but the camera and cheap bosses keeps this from being something great. Just like Prince of Persia, it's best to wait for the price to go down. That way you don't feel cheated out of $60 bucks. If you're an Afro Samurai fan, this game adds nothing to the story and may even confuse you a bit, especially when he finally confronts Justice. If there's one thing I learned, the world would be much better with more Ninja Ninjas in it.


NOTE: Yes, there really are stripper ninjas in this game.

WWE Legends of Wrestlemania

Yes ladies and non-ladies; it's Wrestlemania. The granddaddy of them all. The biggest day in professional wrestling. I remembered the good old days when I........couldn't watch it because our cable didn't give us the option to watch indemand ppv, and even if it did we didn't have the 60 bucks to shell out for 3-5 hours of wrestling. PPV suuuuucks. Recently though I have been watching Wrestlemania highlights and classic matches, and I do remember stories from my childhood about kickass Wrestlemania moments. The developers' goal with the game was to fuck with our nostalgia and make a nice buck just in time for the 25th anniversary of Wrestlemania, and in a way it works.

I believe I can fl...OH SHIT NO I CAN'T!

The control scheme is setup to be simple so that anyone can use it...supposedly. You use the left analog to move and everything else is handle with the face buttons. EVERYTHING. While the button combo is much simpler than the SmackdownvsRaw series, sometimes it becomes a clusterfuck. Press A for grapple. Hold A for Strong grapple. Press X + A for finisher at level 3. Press A and left analog towards opponent while he's groggy to begin rope chain. Press A near the apron while the opponent is groggy to get a weapon. Press A if you're feeling horny. What the hell are all these assignments for A? This is just what they tell you in the manual (minus the horny part obviously). There's more uses for A that you'll find out while playing. In the heat of the match, you'll won't remember everything and wind up doing something you didn't want to do. And what the fuck is up with these situational moves? Why can't I just press a button to get a chair? Who cares if the opponent is groggy or by the apron or is in a good mood; I just want to get a chair so I can beat him with it. The worst part is you can't really run in this game outside the ring. Maybe you can and just didn't figure out the right conbination or situation I dunno. Inside the ring, you have to double tap away from your opponent so you can bounce off the ropes and then run towards your opponent. So basically your opponent can lazily move to the side, and there's a good chance you'll miss. It's not like the AI is smart enough to move anyway. This method sucks and is inexcusable when the shoulder and trigger buttons are not being used at all. Other than that, it's an okay system, but it misses the mark of accessibility I was wishing for in one of my earlier posts. Also it's too limiting. You only get 2 grapple moves per person. Well, not really. In essence, you have 6 thanks to the games Chain system. Underneath your health bar is your chain level. This has 3 levels: 1, 2, and 3 obviously. When you do enough damage or use a chain attack (which is a quick time event) you will go up a level, and in turn given 2 different grapples. At level 3 you can do your finisher. If THQ had a better control scheme, they wouldn't need fuckin levels. Well, at least I don't have to spend an hour trying to (and eventually giving up trying to) explain how to do a simple move like in SvR.

Fajitas. He's been cooking fajitas.

Besides the control scheme, the rest of the package is really good. It really does capture the feel of old school wrestling. Sadly, old school wrestling will not appeal to anyone, especially if you grew up in the Attitude era. This isn't about repeating weapon shots to the back or flying off every surface you can stand on (although they do have a ladder match and hell in the cell). It's not even about some of the flamboyant moves you see on a regular basis. Nope; this is about technique and spectacle. Some people say wrestling today has alot of spectacle, but not like the old guys. They were characters with personalities that were just unreal. Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake came out with shear and threaten to cut the loser's hair. Jake "the Snake" Roberts always came out with his pet snake Damien to freak out the other opponents. Ultimate Warrior was always jacked up no matter what like he was on a permanent high (turns out he was). Hugan...he...well let's just say nobody in the wrestling business inspired more people than him and maybe never will. Okay, so his leg drop finisher is weak, but it worked when I was a kid so shut up. And then there's my favorite wrestler: the Undertaker. He may be the baddest man to ever step into the ring (Lord of Darkness phase doesn't count. Fuck anyone who says otherwise).

All the greats are here....well...almost. There's still one guy missing. Actually there are several guys missing, but one guy in particular is a stand-out omission. You know him. He's the hardcore legend. He fell off the roof of the cell onto the announcer table, then through the roof of the cell. He wore a mask and kept his best friend in his pocket: Mr. Socko. That's right. Mankind. Even if he is on TNA, I'm sure he would have been willing to put Mankind in the game. Also, why use Triple H's old persona Hunter Hearst-Hemsley. That guy sucked. Yea, I know HHH is a future hall of famer and damn well deserves it, and since he is married to the boss' daughter you may feel obigated to put him in, but why as that? He's a pussy compared to the HHH now. Hell, he's a pussy compared to ANY other HHH's. They should have used his persona when the first DX broke up. I can talk about the roster all day, but if any of this is not making sense to you, this might not be your game. I went into too much detail anyway (damn fandom).

Here, hold this.

After getting used to the game, you'll probably go straight to the Wrestlemania Tour mode. In it, you will do exactly what the advertisments have been saying: RELIVE, REWRITE, and REDEFINE history. In each of the 3 modes, you will have to complete a bunch of challenges to earn a gold medals. These unlock new stuff and are just nice to look at. The challenges range from doing a certain move to breaking a table using some guy's back. These challenges add difficulty and fun to the matches that would have otherwise been dull. RELIVE has you doing matches from classic Wrestlemanias (if you haven't guessed that already) with challenges that reenacts the key moments in that match. REWRITE is pretty dull with arbitary challenges that feel like the developers ran out of ideas, but at least in this mode you can see what it would be like if the other guy won. REDEFINE is the same as REWRITE with its lame challenges, but the matches have actually changed. What would have been ordinary match becomes awesome when you throw in a ladder. Sometimes it feels like you're doing RELIVE mode except the type of match is different from what actually happen, and that's what makes it fun.

We're here for football tryouts

What surprised me most about WWE LOW is how good the commentary is. Jim Ross and Jerry "the King" Lawler did a better job here than they did in SvR, which is weird when you think about it. Why half-ass it one game but do better in the other? Maybe it's because they're the only announce team and in SvR they are 1 of 3 teams, so the dialog is limited to make room. Maybe they just had shitty writers. Whatever it is, I like them here and hope to here more of this in later games. What didn't surprise me was how they didn't capture the feel of the crowd. Wrestlemania III was performed in front of 93,000+ people in attendance. It damn sure didn't feel (or looked) like it. It also doesn't help that the arenas look like shit, but that's not really the developers fault. The presentation was pretty underwhelming back then except Wrestlemania IX.

I think Hogan just gave birth to a bouncing baby hernia

THQ wanted it to be for the casual fans, but I don't know if casual fans know most of the guys in this game or have much knowledge of those great Wrestlemania moments. If anything it's a nice history lesson for those who don't and a big bowl of nostalgia flakes for those who do. The control scheme can go fuck itself for all I care, but for those who are nuts about wrestling you should pick this up, especially since you can import the entire SvR2009 roster and pit superstars against legends (Big Show vs Andre the Giant, Jeff Hardy vs Superfly, etc). For those of you who may be interested in playing a wrestling game, this may not be the game to start out with. Wait for TNA Impact 2; I heard it will be awesome. TNA Impact 1...not so much.


NOTE: I realized that people who don't know much about the Rock won't get that fajitas joke.

Prince of Persia

I've been putting this one off for a long time now. It's not because I hate the game, but because I let a friend borrow the game a long while ago, I didn't remember much of it. Now the time has come to review the sequel to Assassin's Creed, or at least it seems like it from all the aspects it copied from like the open-world and shitty combat.

We pick up where we left off in the Sand of Times trilogy as we follow the prince to absolutely nowhere because that guy has nothing to do with this new version. In reality, this game is about some guy who's a thief and a adventurer caught in a sandstorm and mysteriously ends up in a strange land. Oh, and he lost his ass which was carrying a shitload of gold and treasure. He runs into Elika - a girl with strange powers and no shoes for some unexplained reason - as she tries to fix things in her land. It's explained later that she's a princess who's people have been charged with keeping some entity named Ahriman from being released to the world. Apparently she failed and Ahriman's goons have made the land all black and shit, so it's up to the no name guy to come in and help save the day. If you're wondering where's the 'Prince' aspect of Prince of Persia, well I'm pretty sure he'll be annoited prince in a later game, but whatever they have planned is somewhat underminded by the fact that it's given away in the title. Smooth move Ubisoft.

Da Fuck You Looking at?

Remember in the Street Fighter review when I talked about how pretty it looked. In it I referenced this game and for good reason because this game is beautiful. It looks like you're in a pianting controlling little painted people doing painted parkour moves and kicking painted ass all over the painted ground for your own painted pleasure. I don't know who came up with this style of graphics but I would like to shake that person's hand. I wonder if there's paint on them. Either way the scenery is a joy to look at, and that's from someone who could care less about graphics (unless they're incredibly shitty).

Imagine the scars on his...

The series is known for its unrealistic platforming, and thankful despite the changes made, that remains intact. You will run, jump, climb walls, climb poles, jump from pole to pole, wall jump, wall jump repeatedly between 2 walls, run on walls, run up walls, run on ceilings, hang from poles, swing from poles, balance on beams, jump from beam to beam, swing from hanging ring hooks, climb up wall with the aid of ring hooks, use the claw to descend slowly down walls, dodge traps, solve puzzles, and inevitably fail alot at trying to do all of the above. By your side is Elika who can help you clear gaps, reach places and save your ass whether you mess up. She's kind of a replacement for the sands of time in the last POP series. As helpful as she is, I say the best thing about Elika is that she knows when to shut up. Don't you hate playing games with dorky support characters with ramble on and on in your ear when you're trying to do something, say stupid one-liners and awful jokes at the wrong time (which is mostly every time they open their mouths), and are just generally saying something useless? Well apparently Elika is a smart and observant girl because she saw what the others were doing and said "I'm not gonna be like them". Sadly this angered the video game gods and they punished her by making her live out her video game life without shoes (obviously). As fun as the parkour moves are - and if you don't know what parkour is look it up - the game's weak point is its combat. Each fight is one on one...well one on two actually since Elika is there so that makes the fights even more weak. Also you can't really move like you want to. You just shuffle around like you and your enemy were fencing (and fencing SUCKS). You would think with all the acrobatics you've been doing that somehow they would be incorporated in the fights. All you really do is press a sequence of buttons and hoping it works. You can't just repeatingly tap buttons either; you have to press the next button in the sequence at the right time. It eliminates button mashing sure, but it's slow, and in a game like this that seriously breaks flow. Also, you will be blocking alot because the enemies are freaking relentless, and by enemies I means 5 people: one type of grunt and 4 bosses. Without variety the battles become asinine as you fight the same 4 bosses over and over again just so Elika can clean the land. When you defeat a boss, you plop Elika on an magical circle, hit Y over and over, and she'll explode in flowers and sunshine covering the land once covered by darkness (sounds like a hentai). Also the open-world thing may have sounded like a good idea, and it kinda is, but even with an open world the roads you HAVE TO take are still very linear, and going through these roads over and over again get really old after a while. Plus, there's this thing about collecting enough light seeds before you can enter another set of areas that I can't help but to find annoying as this seems like a cheap game-lengthening ploy.

BEST TREEHOUSE EVER!

For those of you who played the game and has made this complaint, I have one thing to say to you: THIS GAME IS NOT TOO EASY! It only seems that way because Elika instantly saves you. For those who didn't play it, whenever you fall or get caught in a trap, Elika will pull you up and plop you on the nearest smooth and leveled ground. Because of this many people have claimed it's too easy, and for those who do I want want you to picture something for me. Imagine that instead of seeing Elika hand grabbing you (*snicker) you saw the 'game over' screen and when you picked continue, you spawn on the nearest straight surface. I'm pretty sure most of you who say this game is hard if that happened even though the same thing is happening in both scenarios. Ok, so Elika instantly brings you back instead of you dying, but in the end you still failed and you still have to do it over again. Whether or not she saves you is irrelevant. Besides, it saves time. By the time you die and have to pick continue and wait for the game to load, I would be halfway finished with what I was trying to do.

I forgot to mention that you slide down slopes too

This game is good, but it could have been so much better. The big killer here is the combat sucking donkey balls, which is ironic because he's still looking for his donkey (that's what I meant by "he lost his ass" dummy). The parkour moves are fun so if you feel like running, jumping, climbing walls, climbing poles, jumping from pole to pole, wall jumping, wall jumping repeatedly between 2 walls, running on walls, running up walls, running on ceilings, hanging from poles, swinging from poles, balancing on beams, jumping from beam to beam, swinging from hanging ring hooks, climbing up wall with the aid of ring hooks, using the claw to descend slowly down walls, dodging traps, solving puzzles, and inevitably failing alot at trying to do all of the above then I recommend this game. Maybe it's a good idea to wait till the price goes down, though.


NOTE: I didn't download the new part that was added to the story because...well I didn't care. Maybe when it's free I'll do it (or watch vids on youtube). AND GIVE ELIKA SOME GOD DAMN SHOES!

Resident Evil 5 review may come soon

I didn't ignore the request for a RE5 review. It's just that I've never been a RE fan and probably never will be. Plus, RE5 is best played co-op from the looks of it and I will need a friend willing to play with me. I've heard that the game is more action than horror and that the feeling of fear has been replaced with the feeling of desperation. Sounds to me like we can call this Resident Evil: Left 4 Dead, but then again Left 4 Dead has smooth controls whereas RE5 moves like shit. Seriously, why can't shoot and move at the same time? And headshots are not as easy as you think, which sucks because that's how you have to kill the sons of bitches. I know this because I played the demo (and RE4). The only reason I'm even considering reviewing this is because of the topic of racism, and being a black guy everyone thinks I should have a opinion. I'm not going to rant about whether or not RE5 is racist because A) I didn't play the game, and B) RE5 wouldn't be the first game to be racist. I don't think it is; I believe it's an overreaction to some pix and trailors, but more on that IF I review the game. By the way, if you really want a horror game, buy Condemn: Criminal Origins. That game will scare you shitless.

WWE Smackdown vs Raw/TNA Impact Wishlist

I like wrestling games because it's the one type of game where you can beat the living hell out of someone for as long as you want (unless he's kicking your ass). As good as they are, they are far from perfect (especially TNA Impact). Here's a list of what I would like to see in wrestlers.

DIVAS/Knockouts worth playing as:
Does anybody actually play as the women in the WWE games? No because they are a fucking joke. They are weak, slow, and generally only there for eye candy (just like in real life) with the exception of Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, and Victoria. TNA didn't actually include women in their game, but if they would have been anything like SmackdownvsRaw Divas, it might have been for the best. I'm not saying get rid of them, but at least give me a reason to play as them (no offense to the ladies out there).

Change in controls:

This is a tricky one. If the controls are too simple, then it limits what you can do, but if they're too complex then the game becomes hard to pick up. The Legend of Wrestlemania game (March 27) is said to reach that middle ground, but the jury is still out on that one. Plus I played the demo, and that seems to be not true. Review coming soon.

Better Create a Wrestler Mode:

In TNA, the CAW mode is so bare bone, it's hard to make the guy you really want. That definitely needs to be beefed up. In Smackdown, A little more options for the hip-hop community would be nice. Plus, how about clothes and accessories that don't look like they were painted on my guy's skin?

Fix the fuckin Created Entrances:

This is strictly a Smackdown issue. When you create an entrance for your wrestler, it won't work if you hold a title belt. You have to have a pre-rendered entrance for belts, so all your hard work in making an original entrance becomes a waste once you win a title. Now you're forced to either pick an entrance from the list of pre-renders so both entrances are the same, or not win a title at all, which is impossible in SvR2009 because you need to go through career mode to level up your guy, which means you have to win belts.

Keep the Story Modes:

Both games had the right idea by making stories. In terms of Smackdown, add more superstar specific stories, and add one for a created player. For TNA, make sure your next one is more creative.

Have wrestlers act like they're suppose to:

The Undertaker never celebrates by pumping his hands in the air on the turnbuckle. In fact, he never celebrates at all. Put Taker in a tag match though, and he'll do just that. We need our wrestlers to act like themselves at all times or it'll take us out of the experience.

Downloadable content actually showing up:

I'm waiting THQ (good job Midway).

Better nicknames for CAWs:

My guy is nicknamed The Ghost. Neil's guy is The Criminal. That's the best we had to work with. C'mon guys, I'm sure you can come up with better names than that (They should come out with Bukkakke Man, just to see how many parents will catch that).

Smarter AI:

I've been asking this for years. In TNA: the computer is dumb as rocks, and this becomes more evident in tag matches. In Smackdown, the AI is actually somewhat smart for the first time in it's long series, but it still has a way to go. It's still not aggressive enough, and even though the AI knows what to do in standard tag matches, it still needs work when it come to tornado tag.

Manual Targeting:

I don't know what made THQ stop with manual targeting, but I want it back. I'm tired of the game switching my target when I'm kicking some guy's ass. It really screws me up when I'm trying to pin someone and then suddenly I attack the guy next to me when I don't want to.

Thought of something I missed?

Def Jam Icon

I noticed that my reviews are getting shorter, but that's because there wasn't much for me to say about the games. Well people this will be another short one because there's not much to say about this game either; a game you can find in a bin for maybe 10 bucks. It's a shame how bad this one turn out because the last 2 Def Jam games kicked ass, especially Fight for NY when they took the series outside of wrestling and into streetfighting (well mixed martial arts when you think about it. Some cats were doing kung fu). Sadly the team who made the first 2 games didn't make this one. In fact, this game was made by the now closed EA Chicago, the same team that made the Fight Night boxing series. That makes this game even sadder since Fight Night also kicks ass. This game is a perfect example of good concept, bad execution, pissed off reviewer.

The game's story mode starts off with a guy (which you will create) kicking ass in a club. Apparently, your random act of violence caught the attention of Def Jam head brass and they decide to hire you. You help with the recruitment of artists to the record label by preforming more random acts of violence until you get a promotion. Then, you control the management of the artists: increase money for promotion, random acts of violence, CD copies, random acts of violence, PR, random acts of violence, random acts of violence, all that shit. The management is simple, but every once in a while (meaning always) you have to bash someone's skull to get what you want.

Nutcracker: the new album by T.I.

Where Icon innovates is its used of music as a weapon. The stages you will be fighting on all move to the beat of the music, so at certain points of the song you can throw your opponent by one of the environmental hazards and wait for the bass to knock. For example, let's say one of the hazards are gas pumps that explodes. Let's say the song you're fighting to is the Game "One blood" featuring....some guy whose name I forget (some research, huh?) You know that the gas pumps (in fact all the hazards on the stages attack at the same time) explodes every time dudeman said "One blooood" in the chorus. You could throw your opponent or knock him into the hazards around that time for him to get smacked. Don't wanna wait till the beat drops? You can control the beat with the game's DJ controls. Hold the left trigger and rotate the right analog stick to watch your guy spin some invisible records that apparently only he can see and touch (DJ Casper). Once he's done, the beat will break and the hazards will activate, kicking any ass in their way. This does alot less damage than waiting for the beat to break by itself, but good when someone is hanging around the danger area. To change the song, Hold the left trigger and rotate the LEFT analog stick first. Then he will switch hands and you can rotate with the right stick to change the song and activate the hazards. What's so important about the songs? If the song you picked is playing, you will do more damage to your opponent.

Only rappers would use a helicopter during a recession

All of this sounds good, right? Well, that's pretty much your whole offense: grab the guy, throw him somewhere, watch him get smacked by music. Punches and kicks (assigned to the buttons) are weak, useless, and don't open up for combos. In fact, there are no combos. Takedowns suck. They're always a suplex or leg sweep. You only good attacks come from rotating the right stick in certain directions (like in Fight Night) to knock ur opponent down, maybe into a hazard. It also doesn't help that the game moves slow as fuck. Everybody has like 1 of 3 fighting styles so there's little to no orginality between artists (just like in real life. Read my post on Neil's blog). Speaking of artists...besides TI, Big Boi, Ludacris, and Method Man, the list of fighters are a who's who's list of who really gives a fuck. Online is a bitch! It takes forever for the game to recognize and register my attacks. I press X and 2 seconds later my guy finally throws a punch. Are you fuckin kidding me? Besides the story mode and online, there ain't shit to do. I know fighting games are mainly 2 player games, but jesus christ guy you could have thrown something down. The Xbox360 version TECHNICALLY can use the music stored in your hard drive to fight, but it sucks at recognizing the beat break, so the hazards pretty much respond at random. Then again, maybe it's your own damn fault for playing the Pussycat Dolls.

No wonder gas prices are so high in Atlanta. Assholes!

Another review, another short one. This game aint worth the 10 bucks I stole to buy this game. As a music game it has some fresh ideas, but since this is a fighting game its a pile of shit. Alot of people think the music and the way it's implemented is reason enough to check it out, but let me hit you with this analogy. Let's say a dog takes a shit on the sidewalk and in his shit is a shiny gold ring. It's still a good ring and can even fetch you a pretty penny or two, but you'll probably not go near it because IT'S SURROUNDED BY SHIT! After looking at this game for a long while, EA went to Chicago and said "Apparently you guys don't know what you're doing so we're closing you down." All well; that's business. If you're really desperate, you can always get a job by random acts of violence. That seems to work. Also, why is it that when I kick someone's ass, they don't go on the radio and talk shit about it. That's all rappers do nowadays: talk shit. At lease let me make a mixtape or something (I'd call it "Random Acts of Violence").

NOTE: Who did I get the $10 from? I got it from your sister while she was asleep in my bed (OOOOOOOOOH!).

N+ - Xboxlive Arcade

Ever played a game so addictive that you didn’t care how abusively difficult it was? If the answer is yes, you will love N+. If the answer is no, prepare to yes over and over again like your sister when she stops by my house (OOOOOOOH!). N+ is just one of many Xboxlive Arcade games circulating around the Xbox interweb, but it’s one of the few games that are actually good. If you have 800 points, then use them to get this instead of those alternate costumes you were going to get for Street Fighter 4.

You're gonna die.......

No story needed. You’re a ninja trying to get the hell out of whatever room the game sticks you in while collecting as much gold as you can. You know, Academy award winning stuff. The controls are simple enough: A for jump, right click to change camera, and left stick for movement. Oh, and there’s a suicide button (X). You’ll see. You can jump off walls, slide down slopes, jumps up slopes, and jump cool stuff that ninjas do (except kill). Pulling off feats of ninja-ism is simple. Getting out the room, well……..

...you're gonna die....

In order to get out of the room, you have to hit a switch located somewhere in the room (it’s all 2D and transparent so you’ll see where it is) to open the door and move on to the next room. You have a time limit, so collect as much gold as possible to extend your time. Standing in your way are a shitload of hazards ready to abuse your ass at any given stage: lasers, mines, turrets, electrodes, ninja-sinking missiles, ninja-sinking electrodes, and really high heights. Some require you to move fast as fuck, some require precision movement, some require advanced planning , and some require improv. That’s just the first few stages. Later stages will probably require all of the above.

...and you're gonna die.

If you can’t handle failure, then this game is not for you because you will die ahellava lot. You will die repeatedly. You will die consistently. You will die bullshittingly. You will die stupidly. You will die accidentally. You will die purposely (suicide button). You will die loveless. Yea, I think that’s it. The difficulty level is that of…..WAIT got another one. You will die nameless (thanks Neil). Ok, I’ll stop now. The difficulty level reminds me of the old NES games. What I mean is that this is console stomping, controller chucking, swear word saying, frustratingly hard. Despite this though, it’s hard to stop playing. Every time you fail, you find yourself saying I think I know what to do now, only to fail again. Yea, it’s hard as fuck, but when you do pass to level you let out a hard sigh and bask in the satisfaction, kinda like what your sister does (OOOOOOOH!). The puzzles themselves aren't hard but avoiding the hazards are a true test of skill and patience. If you die, it's because you suck, and not because of some bullshit (like enemies attacking offscreen like in Ninja Gaiden 2).

If anything, N+ is a great way to gauge how short your temper is, but inside all that frustration is the feeling of accomplishment that most games lack, and that's saying something. It's a very lengthy game and worth the points if you have them.

NOTE: I bet you read this post wondering who sister I'm talking about......YOURS (OOOOOOOOOH!)

Blitz: The League 2

Someone asked me to review this game back in February, and I said no. At the time I thought there was no way in hell I would waste my money (yea, I have to buy or borrow the games I review) on some half-ass fake football game when I have Madden in my library, a much better game. Plus, I had the original Blitz for PS2 and the cheapness of the AI pissed me off so much I never finished the campaign. After a stop at Gamestop after class, I saw the price for it to be $20, and I just happened to have $20 on me so I said why the hell not. During the first 2 days, something strange happened: I was having fun. Didn't see that coming. A week later and I can honestly say that Blitz: The League 2 is a big...MEH! There's nothing special about it. It's not this awesome alternative to Madden or a must own title. It's not even good enough for me to suggest giving it a try. At the same time, it's not horribly bad to the point I regretted spending 20 bucks or felt like punching the wall because of the awfulness of it. It's just.....there.

Bow to me, bitch!

I'm gonna assume everyone knows how football games work (played one, played the all in terms of controls) and just focus on what sets Blitz apart from other titles, and that is it's dedication to presenting everything that is wrong with professional sports and magnify it 10 fold. It also helps that rules are almost non-existent, the players are ultra violent, and most injuries can be walked off (as long as there a needle in you somewhere).

Allow me for a minute to talk about the most awesome aspect of Blitz 2: the injuries. When you hit someone with a dirty hit (and you're never not hitting someone with a dirty hit), there's a chance they will either fumble, get hurt, or both. When you do a dirty hit that will potentially injure someone, time slows down. Then the game allows you to pick from the available body parts you want to fuck up. After you pick your target, you have to press A as fast as you can to get a meter full. Once that's over with, you will fling the guy onto the ground where upon impact (and this is the sweet part) the game shows you in gruesome detail what's happening inside that person body as it bruises, breaks, snaps, or dislocates. Yea, they do get old after a while, but occasionally you'll see something new. One time I broke a dudes neck...HIS FREAKIN NECK! The game said he was out for the season, but I knew he was dead, and I would have to live with the fact that I ended a guy's life on the football field......and it was awesome. If you're the one injured, and it's not too severe, you can play mini-games to heal your player: a needle to the body or popping bones back into place.

Something's happening to Inside-Out Man's shoulder

Now, about that gameplay I neglected to mention because I was too focus on carnage. First off, the kickoffs are quick-time event, meaning press the buttons as they appear. Second is your Clash meter. This meter allows you to slow down time to evade the defense and make catches on offense. On defense, you need it to do dirty hits. Underneath the meter are your clash icons. You get icons every time you do something kick ass like TDs, dirty hits, late hits (which I'll explain later), and catching the ball during clash. Once you get enough clash icons, your clash meter turns into the unleashed meter. During unleashed mode, you can do one kick ass stunt like viciously tackling someone with a better chance of making them fumble, hurt, or both or making a unbelievable catch for the touchdown. Once you do that one thing, your unleashed is gone. I say use it for tackling. Third, you can do late hits, but not in the way you might think. Instead of a tackle after the whistle (or a leg drop like in the NFL Blitz series), late hits take the form of personal attacks. One late hit has you standing over a guy, removing his helmet, and beating the shit out of him with said helmet. Another has you slamming a guy's head on the ground. When the game prompts you to, press A repeatingly to do the late hit. If you're too slow, the guy might counter it and push you away....or punch you in the nuts, whichever works for him.

OOOOH SHIT!

While all this is fun and good, the rest of the gameplay is boring. You will grow to rely on clash moves to move your offense, which breaks the flow of the game. On harder difficulties, you'd be an idiot to run the football at all unless you're on the goalline. Passing is piss easy, which means the defense is only there to cause fumbles and hit dirty. In fact, the game seems to be confused as to what's a completion and what's an interception. Most of the time, the ball would go through the defender straight into the hands of an out-of-positioned receiver. Other times (especially in clash mode) the defender intercepts the ball despite being nowhere near the target receiver. I get this is an arcade game, but I should, whether or not in clash mode, make a play on the ball as a defender. And then there is the rubber banding. In the first game, it was a bad idea to get a commanding lead because the game would bullshit you by making you throw interceptions and causing you to fumble.....alot! I've lost many games that way and with it my respect for Midway. Their spokeperson made a statement saying they fixed the rubberbanding problem, which is funny because on the very first game I played it did the same shit. The only difference is that once the team catches up, it tends to calm down unlike last game where they bullshit you to the end. Actually, that still happens sometimes so I guess I still hate you Midway. Multiplayer didn't make the experience any better. In fact, we didn't even care about the score. We just wanted to see how many people we could hurt.

Personal foul...Purple Nurpple...defense...10 yard penality...first down.

Blitz is a one trick pony....injuries. Other than that it's a dry game. I probably should mention there's a campaign mode where a rookie leads his team to victory or the different game types to play in bonus mode, but fuck it. The league is structured in a interesting way, though. There are 3 divisions: division 3 (the scrub league), 2, and 1. The winner of the D3 championship has the right to move up to D2 and the D2 champ to D1. The worst team will be sent back a division. Interesting, but in the end, pointless. Yea, I guess there was no point bringing that up, either. They had so long between the first game and this one to make Blitz awesome, and it's a shame that's all they can come up with. And Midway, stop using the Renderware graphics engine. It looked cool for PS2, but on next-gen consoles characters look like shit with no or little facial expressions. Upgrade bitches.


NOTE: I like to thank Ign.com from whose pictures I blatantly stole from.

Street Fighter 4 - My Review

Down - Down Forward - Forward - Punch. This is probably the second most popular button combination in video game history (the first being Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start). That's because the Street Fighter series is that damn good. Admittedly though, I didn't play much Street Fighter because my household was a Mortal Kombat house (classic rivalry). Yea, played a little Street Fighter here and there, but I never really got into it til the Marvel vs Capcom series, which is a shame because the series is fuckin awesome and can kick the ass of any fighting game series ever released.

Street Fighter 4 (SF4 for now on because I'm lazy) is more of a sequel to SF2 than SF3, so if you're expecting this game to be combo happy you're fresh fuck out of luck. There are combos, but not major ones like the 35 hit combos we've gotten used to, but you know what, it works. Now newbies can actually get into it and not be scared off. Other than that the main formula remains unchanged.

.....no homo

The usually suspects return to do what they do best (smack each other around with moves deemed impossible for humans to do), but you can't release a game without adding new fighters. There are 4 new characters and 2 new unlockables. There's Abel who likes to grab dudes...alot, Crimson Viper with a super-powered business suit with a tie that covers her cleavage nicely, Rufus who's.....fat, El Fuerte who's a cook so I don't know why he's here in the first place but hey he's fast as fuck so why not, Gouken who trained Ken and Ryu and therefore is kick ass, and Seth who is number 2 on my cheapest boss list. I believe Neil has already mentioned them, but fuck it because I'm too lazy to change it. These additions make a total of 25 fighters. Yea, that's not alot for a 2D fighter by today's standards, but each fighter feels so different who cares?

Normally I don't talk about graphics because I don't believe they make or break a game. Take that into account when I talk about how pretty the game is. One of SF4 selling points is its paintbrush presentation, and dammit if it isn't awesome. The entire game looks like its been painted instead of handdrawn or CGI, kinda like Prince of Persia or Afro Samurai. Even some of the attacks has this black paint smear that appears. Even the opening cinematics looks awesome. When you buy this game (and you damn well better), don't press start. Just sit back and watch the opening scene (cover your ears though because the backstreet boys-like theme song is annoying)

Welcome to another episode of Blanka : the Crocodile Eater

So......how does it play? Well, it's Street Fighter. How do you think it plays? OK, there are a couple new gameplay elements that affects strategy a bit. Super moves are back and they hurt, but now added is your Ultra move (or as I like to call it, the get yourself out of some serious shit move). Your super meter fills up as you hit, but your ultra meter fills up as you GET hit. Once your ultra meter fills up halfway you can unleashed it on your hapless opponent. You can wait until your meter is completely fill, but since that requires getting hit more, it's probably not a good idea. The next new addition is the focus attack. Press and hold medium punck and kick to charge the attack. Hold it long enough and it because unblockable. While charging your attack, you can absorb one (and only one) attack. This is important for strategy. If you suck, practice in challenge mode. Of course, controls may be a problem with the xbox controller, but that's why I got the PS3 version. Capcom did a good job making the analog feel responsive, and some of the moves can really only be done with the analog, but I needs me a good D-pad to fight with. When it comes to fighting games, Xbox's controller can go suck a dick.

Again.....no homo

Make no mistake; this is a fighting game, and as with all fighting games, this is meant to be played with other people, whether it be offline or online. Playing online is fun (as long as I don't play with some dick with a mic) and there is little lag. Unlike Neil, I like beating up on chumps who pick Ken all day every day. I just pick Sagat and tiger uppercut their asses. To make it feel more like an arcade experience, people can interrupt your arcade play and face you online. It's a cool trick, but I wish somebody would have told me this before I started playing.

Does Sagat hafta choke a bitch?

I tried to keep it short because this review has been done before, but I guess I talked too much anyway. I think Neil and I are in agreement here that this is the best fighting game for the Xbox360 and PS3 hands down (If he says DOA4, he's lying). I'm adding this game to the list of "You have no choice but to buy this" games. Go buy it...now....do it....LEAVE!.....don't keep reading to see where I'm going with this, go buy the game!


Note: The outfit you see Blanka wear in the pic above is his alternate attire. To get alternate outfits, you have to buy them off the xboxlive or PSN marketplace. It's not worth it. Save your points for something awesome like Portal: Still Alive.

Street Fighter 4 - Neil's Review

My boy Kev J. asked me to review this game for some time now. Finally finished it. Here goes nuttin'.

It’s been a long time coming. One of them most storied franchises in gaming has finally graced the xbox360 with a brand new installment. This game had a lot of hype coming in and of course, they did not disappoint.
I’ve been a Street Fighter fan since the SNES days with Street Fighter 2 so nobody had more expectations than I did. If you ever played a fighting game you know exactly what the concept it. Two fighters meet on a map and proceed to beat the holy hell out of each other. Best of three rounds wins the match. Simple, it better be. Fun, you know it. All of your favorite characters are back. This is a blessing and a curse in some ways. On the good, I get to play as Ryu, Ken, and Chun-Li all over again, thus reliving my childhood of being in arcades and beating the crap out of grown men (good times). The bad part, everybody under the sun gets to spam with Ken. JUST KEN!!! I’ll say more about that later. There are some new characters added to the fun. First is Abel, the guy with no memory and a need for longer pants. Crimson Viper is the secret agent who wears a high tech suit to kick ass. Then there’s crazy quick cook/wrestler El Fuerte. Some fat f*** named Rufus is in it too. Last but not least is Gouken, the sensei of Ryu and Ken. Overall there are 25 characters. I do wish there were a few more, but maybe there could be some downloadable content in the future.
Game play is true to the old school. If you ever played and old school Street Fighter, you won’t miss a step. If you are completely reliant on the combo system of games like Marvel vs. Capcom, you are royally screwed. Arcade Mode is slightly difficult on easy and damn near impossible on medium to hard. During arcade mode, your game can be interrupted by an online player. This is similar to being in an actual arcade. This is a great touch, but if you are trying to unlock characters, this gets really annoying. Of course, there is the option to turn it off and play normally. One of the most annoying parts of the game is the final boss, Seth. By the way…What kind of name is Seth for a final boss? I’m really scared of some dick named Seth. Anyway, the first round is relatively easy to get through. This easy win gives you a false sense of security. “This isn’t so hard” you would say. Then you get beat like a stepchild the next two rounds. You’ll be lucky to get two hits in at times.
From my experience online play has no lag when the fight starts. If you decide to look at the fighter intro you might see a little pause but that’s all. As you go through online fights, you get battle points which show only how many fight you’ve won. You also get titles and icons to make yourself look dumber to other players. They serve no purpose buy you can’t help but try to get more titles and icons since there are so many of each. Just be prepared to battle some cheap spammers in this game.
The last and probably most important thing is that you will get annoyed playing with the 360 controller. It’s not built for fighting games. When putting in a combination you could hit a sequence by accident and throw off your entire move. This happens all too often. Luckily you can purchase a classic arcade stick for $90. I considered this for about 10 sec. and then said no because I do not think I should pay for something that is worth $30 more than the actual game that I will most likely use for this one game. Screw that!! If you can get past this, then you’ll be fine as an average playe.
Bottom line, this is a definite purchase. This may bring the fighting genre back into the forefront of gaming. Sooner of later we’ll have to get sick of FPS games right?

P.S. – HAPPY NOW KEV?!

NOTE: NO, I'm not smartass.