JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (Retro)

Heard of this game? Of course you didn't. How could you?  It was one of those games that only hardcore fight and/or anime fans knew about, unless you were one of the few who went out on a limb and actually bought it just to see what it would be like. Now I say anime, but this game is actually based on the manga, which has some key differences. I guess that really doesn't matter since none of that came overseas. The game was released in America in 1999 for Playstation and Dreamcast. The anime didn't show up until 2003 and the manga 2005. So what was the purpose of bringing it over here? Well, the only reason I can think of is that back then Capcom was shooting fighting games out the ass every 5 minutes. It got so crazy, Capcom even created a points club for gamers called the Capcom Edge. Every time you bought a Capcom game, you earned points that could be used for gear like t-shirts and duffel bags and shit like that. So Capcom may have figured that people would buy it simply because of the points and the fact it was a fighting game. Now I don't know if that's true, but it's the only semi-logical reason I can think of. I've only just finished watching the anime and the third arch of the manga, so I decided to pick this up just for shits and giggles. As soon as I popped it in, one thing became quickly apparent....this game is old.

In the Dreamcast version, this is a port of 2 Japanese arcade games: JoJo's Venture and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, with both games in the disc. JoJo's Venture is the orginal game, and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is the updated version, kinda like Street Fighter 4 and Super Street Fighter 4. Now why on Earth would you need to put the same game twice on one disc? I'm obviously just gonna play Bizarre Adventure since it has more shit. The arcade game was made in 1997, and it shows in the DC version. The made no effect to up the visuals in this game, and the audio sounds so dated. Even the N64 is capable of better sound. That's acceptable for the PS1 version, but not the Dreamcast. There are only 2 modes: story mode and challenge mode which is basically a survival mode. There's also two player, but that's a gimmie for fighting games. The story is just absolute shit. I don't mean the story in general; that's awesome. I mean the way the game handles it. This game doesn't explain shit to you. So many important pieces are missing and plot twist happen for no reason. If you didn't read the manga or watch the anime, which NOBODY FUCKING COULD DO in 1999, you were at a loss most of the time. Why in the ass would you not change it so that the story would be understandable knowing full well nobody has seen any JoJo related media? With shitty sound, aged visual, incomprehensible story, and lacking in feature, it's no wonder why nobody owned this game. Despite that, all is forgiven when you actually play it and realize a very important fact...

It's a 2D fighter....made by Capcom....

You should definitely check out the anime and the manga if you get a chance. As for the game, the fighting is good...well...actually it's fuckin awesome, but everything else doesn't make it worth it unless you find it cheap. If you actually own a copy, do NOT get rid of it. That game might be worth some money.

Mortal Kombat 2 (Retro)

A long time ago, my mom gave me a choice between a Super Nintendo and a Sega Genesis, and I picked the Genesis. After playing MK2 at my cousin's house for SNES, I had to get it for the Genesis. While it was still the hotness, you don't know how important buttons are until you realize you're missing a few. Having less buttons than any other version of the game (not counting handheld systems), the Genesis turned a already hard game into a bitch.

With only 3 buttons, you don't get many moves, especially when you can't figure out how to low punch. Most of my matches broke down into me just using the roundhouse kick or uppercut (TOASTY!). One of my biggest problems was the absence of a block button. I tried holding back like in Street Fighter, but that didn't work. So I got my ass handed to me over and over again. Once I figured out how to actually beat people, I realized I didn't know any fatalities, so I press pause and went to call my cousin to see if he can find some for me. There was no internet back then (damn I feel old) so he had to check his game magazines for them. After I wrote them down, I went back to my game to find out my guy died a long time ago and I'm back at the main menu. After a hissy fit that involved breaking several items, I started over again to see what went wrong, and that's when it hit me.

The start button is block!? THE START BUTTON IS BLOCK!!??

So how to I pause the game? The game laugh at me and said "Pause? Bitch, this is Mortal Kombat; you don't get no pause. Fight to the end pussy." Well the good news was I finally had a block button so fighting was easier. The bad news was I had to use the bathroom. That's the thing about the old MK games. It was one of those game series where you needed friends to play single player. Whenever somebody loss, he passed it to the next person in a vain attempt to get farther up the ladder only to get beat by someone with 4 arms. Good times.

Deadliest Warrior (XBLA)

Here's my first problem with the game: I can't find any decent artwork for it. I tried a lot of them, and they either didn't load right or were too small and came out blurry as hell when I blew them up, so yea, you get no box art with this one. Now, when you look at Deadliest Warrior, your first instinct tells you that this is a quick cash grab, and no one would blame for thinking that, but you play the game, you realized that it's not as bad as you thought......but it's damn sure not as good as it should be.

The basic premise of the game is one on one realistic combat, emphasis on the word REALISTIC. You can't take too many hits. In fact only 4 hits unguarded will kill you. That's an interesting concept, isn't it? How many fighting games do you know where it doesn't take much to kill you? The only game that comes to mind is the Bushido Blade series on the PSX/PS1, and that was 12 years ago if I'm not mistaken. So, with damage levels this high, defense is THE most important aspect. If you can't protect yourself, you will die. That may be true with most fighting games, but in others you can sometimes get by on awesome offense and/or aggressiveness. You try that shit here and you'll lose an arm. Yea, this game doesn't fuck around. Sometimes, all it takes is one hit. I've won and loss so many fights with only one blow. 

There are only 8 fighters in this game, and I know many people have a problem with this. Normally I wouldn't, but this time I do because I know for a fact (not really) that they're holding back for downloadable content. Even if they weren't, they have a large catalog to draw from because of the show. It's not like Blazblue where it's an all new experience and therefore a small roster is okay. We know they have more people because we've seen the show. Besides, this is suppose to pit some of history's greatest fighter in a 'what if' scenario. I'm pretty sure history produced more than 8! Sigh* I wanted to see a musketeer fight a samurai. Well, it's a small complaint really as 8 is good enough.

[Update]: There's a poll on their website asking fans what fighters they want to see as downloadables. I'm curious as to how much it will cost per fighter.



Combat is as basic as fighting games are allowed to be, but now in a bad way. Each fighter uses low, medium, and high attacks as well as projectiles, short range, and medium range weapons. You can parry attacks by holding block and guessing which attack he'll use. That's pretty much it. No wait. There's also a stamina meter, and when it's low your attacks will slow down your your guard will break. This helps prevent people from either hacking too much or blocking all damn day. No, it doesn't have many combos, but if you can kill in 4 hits, you really don't need that many. During fights, if you do it right, you can injure body parts and even amputate them. Some can still fights with a missing arm, but they'll slowly bleed out. My main problem with the combat is that it feels too loose. Warriors attack too fast, and attacks don't have any weight behind them. This leads to very unsatisfying endings to fights, unless the final blow cuts off a limb (or head). Another thing that bugs me is the load times. With only 8 characters, small combo list, few stages, and the fact that it's downloaded onto the hard drive, why in the holy hell does it take so long to load and why does it happen so often? You will spend more time watching the screen load than you will fighting, and that's not an exaggeration. To be fair, the loading is really long (15 seconds tops), but it happens so often if feels that way. Every time I tried to play online, the game would be choppy as hell, sometimes even disconnecting, and I know it's not my connection, so I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it's an isolated incident, but it's still worth mentioning.

I really can't recommend this game as a purchase, but it's interesting to try. If the combat was fine tuned, attacks had actually weight to them, and loading was cut down some, I'd say this would be a XBLA hit, but as it stands, it's just one of those games that just...exist. It neither good nor bad; it's just there.

Rating: Meh

NOTE: Bushido Blade....talk about obscured video game reference.

Top Ten Fighting Game Series

I'm not gonna lie; I suck at most fighters, but that doesn't stop me from playing them. Nothing like beating the holy hell out of each other until one can no longer fight. For this top ten, there are a couple of rules. This is a list of fighting game SERIES, so there has to be more than 2. Sorry Blazblue, but you're one game too short. Also, it cannot belong to the sports genre, so games like Fight Night and UFC are out. No wrestling games either.


10. Guilty Gear
Although we can't put Blazblue into this list, we can damn sure put his daddy on it. Guilty Gear has awesome visuals, interesting characters, kickass rock music, and some of the smoothest controls ever in a 2D fighter. And let's not forget the instant kills. It's so awesome, it makes people forget that Sol Badguy is...just...a terrible fuckin name.



9. King of the Fighters
I don't know which came first, this or Street Fighter 2, but dammit if is didn't help revolutionize 2D fighters. If you were a Art of Fighting and Fatal Fury, you practically shitted your pants as this game pitted fighters from both games against each other. SNK knows how to make a damn good fighter. If only they didn't go bankrupt.



8. Darkstalkers
I did not know what a succubus was until I played this game.....thanks I guess. Anyway, it seems that the people from Capcom decided "Hey! Let's take what we learned from Street Fighter, have a shitload of monsters, and give it a cool name to stand out. It will be awesome!" Well, that's what they did....and it was awesome. You have vampires and succubi and a werewolf and a guy walking around with a little....girl?......I'm assuming someone gonna call the police on him.




7. Dead or Alive
When I think of DOA, two things come to mind: kickass fighting and jiggly ninja boobs. It's like watching a 3D anime.....of awesome. DOA is one of the few games that have a reversal system, and it's useful as it is complicated. Not bad for a fighting game that's two polygons away from full-frontal nudity.



6. Virtua Fighter
THE...FIRST! Virtua Fighter is the reason DOA exist in the first place. It was a little rough at first since everyone moved so slow and floated in the air like they were on the fuckin moon, but the series has long since advanced into one of the most technical fighters...EVER! It's all about timing and placement. If you don't having timing, you lose. If you don't have placement, you lose. If you button mash, you're a fuckin joke. Put the control down bitch; you suck!




5. Tekken
Talk to any hardcore fight fan, and there will most likely be an argument as to which is better: Tekken or Virtua Fighter. It's a difficult choice, but I'm gonna have to say Tekken simply because they have more people. Normally it's quality over quantity, but in Tekken's case, they have quality AND quantity. While there are some issues, you wouldn't expect a 3D fighter with so many fighters to be this balance, but they pulled it off in Tekken 5 and 6.



4. Soulcalibur
Hot damn, Namco can some good 3D fighters. Besides the fact that this is one of the few fighting games based solely on weapons, Soul Calibur 3 was the first fighting game to have a create-a-fighter mode if I'm not mistaken. What also makes this series special is the special guests Soul Calibur 2 and Soulcalibur: Broken Destiny has. You got to play as Zelda's Link and God of War's Kratos for crying out loud. And no that's not a typo. After Soul Calibur 3, the name changed to Soulcalibur. Why? I don't know.



3. Super Smash Bros.
Besides being the most original fighter on the list, SSB pits pretty much all of Nintendo against each other in a battle royal. To beat your opponents, you can't just simply KO them oh no. You have to knock them CLEAR ACROSS THE FUCKIN STAGE! It's so awesome, Solid Snake and Sonic wanted in. At first, I didn't think this game was as good as everyone says, but I was playing alone. Soon as I got some friends over, hot damn. We played this together more than any other game on the list so far.



Now, we all know what the top two games are gonna be; it's a no fuckin brainer. The question is how do we choose which is number 2 and which is number 1. After much thought, a few beers, a nap, and several games of Call of Duty, we finally made our decision.

2. Mortal Kombat
Most of the games on this list had an impact on the fighting genre. MK had an impact on the entire fuckin gaming industry. Yea, it's that badass. The introduction of the fatalities is the reason video games have a rating system. That's right; MK created the ESRB. That's fuckin nuts. Just watch the video. Stuttering Craig never lie. Games like Gears of War owe their existence to this series. Now, when MK made the jump to 3D, people have mixed feelings about it. Some say it was good while others say it was mediocre at best. Either way, MK holds a special place in our hearts, and our hearts hold a special place in Kano's hands.

Video Games | ScrewAttack | Top 10 Mortal Kombat Fatalities

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

1. Street Fighter/Capcom vs.
What puts Street fighter on the top of this list is consistency. This series stayed great after 2 decades because Capcom knows what they're doing. Only Street Fighter can change so little and yet remain so awesome. While Street Fighter deserves all the credit it gets, it was really the Capcom vs. series that kept 2D fighters around for as long as they have been. First, Capcom created the X-Men fighting game, then X-Men vs Street Fighter, then Marvel Super Heroes vs Street Fighter, then finally Marvel vs Capcom 1 and 2. Capcom then proceeded to partner up with SNK to create probably the most tech of the vs. games with the Capcom vs SNK series. These games pretty much played into the geeky fanboy and fansgirls in all of us. With Marvel vs Capcom 3 on it's way and the recently announced Street Fighter x Tekken (I'm dead fuckin serious), Capcom aint letting go of that top spot anytime soon.

Super Strip Fighter 4 (I'm not kidding!)

Ladies and gents, I think we hit a new low here. I really could not believe this shit. This is so fuckin crazy that I had to cancel what I planned to write about today. Super Strip Fighter 4 is exactly what it sounds like; and Street Fighter parody...with titties. I found it by clicking on random links on the internet (I know that's dangerous but I was bored) when I saw an ad for this game. I clicked on the ad which took me to a japanese website I couldn't read, so I had Google translate for me. Once I found out the name, I spent an hour looking for a website I can download this from (for free of course). When I finally played it, I said to myself "This...is the dumbest shit...I have ever seen...in my life." Is it good? No. Is it funny? Kinda.

FYI: This game is a sex game, so you won't see any pictures or videos about it.

Since it's a Street Fighter clone, I don't need to explain how it works, but instead of six buttons (3 for punches, 3 for kicks), you get five. One of them is for grabs and the other is for focus attacks. Yep, they even copied the focus attacks. You have a decent size group of fighters. Most of them are female of course with only 3 males. One of them I didn't even know was a dude. Creepy. This game has supers and ultras too, but I think to fill up the ultra you have to fall 5 times. Some of the moves are just fuckin nuts. This lucador chick punched me in the mouth. One girl fuckin humped me to death. Well that's not fair. How could I stop her? Why would I want to stop her? When you beat your opponent, you knock the clothes off her. OOOH, okay; I get it now. That's why it's called strip fight...what the fuck were the creators thinking!?They must got some good drugs in Japan. Either way, I was very surprised by how each fighter has been balanced to....aHAHAHAHAHAHA. There aint no damn balance. Combos suck; characters suck; everything fight-wise suck. There are some cool specials, but who the fuck cares?

Let's see: scantily clad women?
Check.
Super moves involving sexy body parts?
Check.
Nudity?
Check.
Just about every element stolen for Street Fighter 4?
Well, it's a parody, so Check
What are we missing?
Oh, yea! Rape!

That's right, you can actually rape your opponents in this game. I think, at least I'm hoping that everyone agreed to this before signing up for this tournament, otherwise I'm gonna feel very uneasy. Isn't that one fucked up insult to injury? You beat your opponent; now it's time to buttfuck her. You know, I heard that all the time in games when someone gets their ass kicked, but I've never seen it literately happen. It's a new one. Apparently, not everyone can rape, and you can only rape if it's of the opposite sex. This is where I would have a joke, but it's.......ah I don't know. I'm speechless.

You know what's funny? This isn't the first game in the series. Yes, they made a Strip Fighter 4 when the original Street Fighter 4 came out; but it goes farther than that. The very first in the series goes way back; it was a parody of Street Fighter 2 called Strip Fighter 2 (there was no 1). Even funnier is the fact it didn't come out for PC. It came out for the home consoles. Granted, it was for the Turbo-Grafx and was never release in the US (thank you wikipedia), but it's still fuckin hilarious. Well, this was a fun adventure, something I don't plan on repeating because I'm afraid it'll break my computer. As a parody, I can't help but to laugh, but as a game, this is fuckin terrible. As porn, it's even worse. Maybe that was the point; I don't know.

Rating: Ass

NOTE: Can't wait for Super Strip Fighter 4 Turbo.

Dragonball Z Burst Limit & Raging Blast

You know what's funny? The title Ninja Assassin. The assassin part of the title is so redundant. When have you not seen a ninja assassinate something? Okay, maybe in fighting games, but there are rules and regulations; nothing they can do about that except maybe assassinate the chair committee. The point is ninjas are known for killing. If you're signing up to be a ninja, chances are you are going to be responsible for the deaths of hundreds (sometimes thousands) of people within the week. Those gravity-defying flips don't come free chief; you have to earn them with the blood (and the occasional body part) of your enemies. Anyway, if you're a fan of ninjas and ninja related injuries, I suggest watching this movie because ninjas make everything awesome. Seriously, is there any game with ninjas that sucked outright? No. There's been some faulty ones (Ninja Blade), but none that were bad, which leads me to my review. Where are the ninjas in Dragonball Z!? How can a franchise like this not feature at least one ninja? Think about it.....flying ninjas shooting shit out their hands, destroying chunks of the planet, all the while being stealthy. That would be awesome. No, Naruto doesn't count (fake ass ninjas).

Too all the DBZ fans out there, it's hard to talk about these 2 games without bringing up the previous games because...let's face it; they're the same fuckin games. Burst Limit is a predecessor of the Budokai/Shin Budokai series, and Raging Blast is a predecessor of the Tenkaichi series. Besides graphics, both games took a step back with their new entries, but only one of them suffers for it. Burst Limit's gameplay remains fun, and something you can put in your system for some DBZ goodness, while Raging Blast's gameplay feels old and stagnant. Granted, I've played all the recent DBZ games, so the formula would seem boring by now, but then again what kind of excuse is that, especially since I still find Budokai fun? Raging Blast may feel like a true DBZ experience, but Burst Limit feels like a true DBZ 'FIGHTER', and fighting is what we came for, but now I'm starting to get ahead of myself. Let's start with Burst Limit. Oh, before I do, I would like to say something that proves I'm a fan of DBZ before I start bashing because after Sonic and NFL 2K5, I really don't wanna hear it. You know how Vegeta can go SSJ4 without going SSJ3? I have 2 theories. One, Vegeta may have had the power, but couldn't pull off the transformation. Goku learned how, but he was dead, and certain rules containing to the body don't apply. SSJ3 is an extremely difficult transformation, and Goku can't hold it for long when he's alive, so maybe Vegeta can't do it at all since he didn't die long enough to learn. My second theory (and probably the correct one) revolves around the mighty Oozaru. When a saiyan transforms into the great ape, their power increases 10 fold. So since Vegeta's power increased so much when he became a Super Ooozaru (created my own phrase there), he had enough power to put him over the edge to transform to SSJ4. This isn't something DBZ fans don't already know, but still....suck it fanboys!

Hey! It's Super Soni....oh...

Burst Limit is almost like your traditional 3D fighter, except a hellava lot easier. Your offense can pretty much be about mashing buttons, but if your opponent knows how to play defense, he'll own your ass, and that's the surprising thing about Burst Limit. It seems like a game where you can do random acts of violence, but the minute the difficulty raises or you're facing someone who knows what they're doing, you'll be defeated by what Team Fourstar (look them up) calls the Wheel of Bitchslaps. The gameplay is so simple, yet demands skill to play. The fights are fast as hell, and at one point, I forgot who I was controlling before getting hit by a dodon ray. The best thing about this game is that moves like the kamehameha wave don't deplete your meter, forcing you to stop and recharge like every other game. In fact, you don't even have to recharge. The game does it automatically, and does it fast, unless you're getting hit. Then the meter stops charging until you you stop getting smacked. The only time the meter depletes is after a ultimate attack (like the Spirit Bomb), transformations (ie Super Saiyan), or when you enter Aura Spark mode which boosts your stats. The one thing I don't like is the drama pieces. Drama pieces activate in mid-fight as a cut-scene (sometimes featuring a partner of your choosing) to help you, whether it be increasing attack power or giving you health. It sounds nice, but in practice, it sucks. The scenes break the flow of the fight and they can't be skipped once activated. It does make the fights more cinematic and truer to the show than past DBZ fighters, but in the end, I always turn them off. One time, I showed this game to a couple of friends, and they liked it. Mind you they hate the show (mainly because it takes forever for stuff to happen, like the fact that Frieza said the planet would explode in 5 minute, yet the fight lasted what seemed like 17 episode, and wow; what a long parenthesis) and didn't think much of the games, which leads me to believe that even non-fans can get into it. It ain't Tekken, but it'll do. A good game all around.

Damn! Punched Frieza right in the Cooler!

Raging Blast is a lot different from...well....any other fighter you played. Here you can fly freely around the environments and smash people through things. In a way, it's kinda like Burst Limit, except with a list of moves that takes advantage of the 3D shift. You can quickly fly behind people to attack from behind, you can warp from side to side in mid-combo, you can throw people into the wall and wail on them as they're stuck, you can fly away when things get too hectic, and your special moves are handled by the right stick. As an added bonus, you can start in any unlocked transformation you want, something Burst Limit should have done. So, if you want to start off a Super Saiyan 3, you can. This all sounds like Raging Blast should be better than Burst Limit, but there are so many fuck ups that irritate me so. First off is the camera, the fuckin piece of shit camera. Its a fuckin struggle for it to stay on your opponent, especially if he flies either straight up or down. If he's above you or under you, you won't be able to see him, and there's no way to know how far down he is. You could always rush him, but what's stopping him from bitchslapping you once you get there? I shouldn't have to play this kind of fuckin guessing game. When you're fighting near an object like a mountain or cliff, the camera gets stuck, and won't pan the fuck out so you can see. You can change the camera angle by pressing left or right on the d-pad, but while you do, KAMEHAMEHA up the ass! I've lost so many fights because of the camera. Punches and kicks aren't really worth it in my book. They do such little damage, you're better off just chucking fireballs all day long. Yes, they open players up for bigger attacks, but I would like them to be a real offensive threat. The biggest problem with Raging Blast is that it's fighting style just isn't fun anymore. As I mentioned earlier, the formula doesn't age well as I was bored out of my mind after maybe 3 days. It may seem fun to those who haven't played the 3 Tenkaichi games, but for us fans, it's lather, rinse, repeat. Really, the only people I see playing this are those who are really curious about SSJ3 Vegeta and Broly, and if you're really that curious, you can look it up on google images and save yourself 60 bucks.

.....Your aim sucks...

Both games host the same set of problems. The story mode doesn't tell you shit about the story. They just assumed you've seen this before and know what happens next. That's fuckin unfair to those you haven't seen the show before, and will probably be turned off by the fact that they don't know what's going on. Nice job building on your fanbase numbnuts. The roster is short. Coming after the series before them, you would think the roster would be packed, especially since Tenkaichi 3 had roughly 120. I can understand trimming the fat for more balance, but key people are missing. Burst Limit stops at the Cell saga, meaning there's no Super Saiyan 3 or 4, nor is there any fusion or Majin Buu. Raging Blast stops at the Majin Buu saga, meaning no Super Saiyan 4, and even more so, no Dragonball characters either. The official name of the game is Dragon Ball: Raging Blast. The absense of the 'Z' made me believe that it would start when Goku was a kid. Nope. Super moves don't do shit from long range because they're easily side stepped. The guy's gotta be a noob or an idiot to get hit. The graphics suck as the environment is concerned. They look very PS2-ish while the characters are rendered nicely. It looks weird. Speaking of characters, although Raging Blast looks more like the cartoon, I like Burst Limit's graphics better. My biggest problem with both games is that...well...WE PLAYED THEM ALREADY! Really, who are you fooling!? We move on to the next generation of gaming consoles, and Atari makes the same shit we've played last time. What really pisses me off about it (for some unknown reason) is that they have the nerve to market it as if it's something new. You must think really little of us. Actually, I work in retail, and consumers are really that stupid....but still....

He kicked the HD off of him!

Not so fun fact: Raging Blast was not published by Atari, but by Bandai Namco, yet it was made by Spike, the people who made the Tenkaichi series. Hmmm, maybe the publisher does make a difference. Anyway, Burst Limit is simple fun to be had and is a pretty good buy at $20. I've had it for almost a year, and I still play it. As for Raging Blast, don't waste your time if you played the Tenkaichi series or not a fan of the series. I've had it for almost a month, and I'm fed up. This game could have definitely benefitted....with ninjas!

DBZ Burst Limit Rating: Sweet

DB Raging Blast Rating: Ass

NOTE: Idea for a new game....Ninja Hero! Comes with it's own katana peripheral. Ninja Stars sold separately.

BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger

If you haven't heard of this game, don't worry; most people haven't, even hardcore gamers. This seems like it's gonna be one of those 'under the radar' type of games, which is a shame. Just like Street Fighter 4, BlazBlue is fuckin awesome and can kick the ass of most fighters. It's everything 2D fight fans want, while being inviting to new players. That's been said about a lot of fighters, and most of those claim almost never pan out, but as someone who sucks at 2D fighters, I was kicking ass. At the time of this writing, the only copy available is the limited edition version. Yea, they released the LE first, and the official game will be released in the middle of July. Good marketing plan? I don't know. What I do is that the LE cost the same as the stand alone game ($59.99), so you're better off getting the LE. When they said 'Limited Edition' they fuckin mean it. If my sources are correct, only 19,000 copies have been made, and since the internet has been blowing up with questions and youtube videos, I'm guessing they're going fast, so hurry up. Once the stand alone comes out, there will be no more LE versions released. I think they're only at gamestop right now; I could be wrong. The LE comes with the soundtrack on 2 discs and a bonus DVD. The music isn't bad, but I won't be putting it in my Ipod any time soon. The bonus DVD....you know what, I never watched it. Huh. Okay, while I do this review, I'll watch the DVD. Maybe it'll answer some questions I have.

Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before BlazBlue"

This is normally the part where I explain the story, but I'm not even gonna bother. Why? Because I can't understand a damn thing that's going on. Maybe Neil can shed some light on this. And try to keep the spoilers to a minimum....like it matters.

[Neil]: Okay, so this dude Ragna is wanted by the NOL, the world's police force apparently, for busting up their buildings. Jin works for the NOL, but went A.W.O.L. in search of his brother Ragna so he can try to kill him again because he failed to when they were kids, but why he tried to is a mystery. We'll just say he's crazy. Noel is an amnesiac who also works for the NOL and is the sister of Jin and Ragna, only that's a lie. She's actually a clone of their sister, who may or may not be dead. Nu is the 13th clone (V-13) of their sister I think, and is passionately in love with Ragna, but Ragna wants to kill her, which is why he keep breaking NOL building. That's where she keeps spawning. Hakumen is one of the Six Heroes who helped save mankind once, but is apparently Ragna's brother somehow, and Jin is....not sure. Maybe a clone? Anyway, Hakumen was summoned out of the boundry, which is like purgatory, by Kokonoe, a scientist who works for Sector Seven. Sector Seven is the opposing group to the NOL. They're not evil, and they don't play much of role here. Anyway, there's a distortion in time and space (due to Nu's awakening), and Hakumen is sent somewhere else, so it's up to Tager to plant devices that....

STOP! STOP! STOP THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW! SON OF A MOTHER FUCKIN METAL GEAR SOLID BITCH! I THINK I KNOW LESS NOW THAN I DID BEFORE! UUUUUGH! FUCK YOU! FUCK JAPAN! FUCK ARC SYSTEM!

[Neil]: Son of a mother fuckin Metal Gear Solid bitch?

You know, because it too has a needlessly complicated story.

[Neil]: I see.....

After trying to grasp this so called mess of a story for maybe 2 days, I put the controller down and said "I done." Seriously, I was done. I don't give two shits about cultural differences; if anybody think that the story here is good in any way, American or Japanese, may their buttholes itch for 40 days and 40 nights.

Litchi's nickname in the game is Boobie Lady...I'm not joking!

Now let's begin talking about gameplay. First, let me tell you what I don't like about it............now that that's out of the way, let's talk about what I like do about it. Seriously, I don't have a single complaint about gameplay whatsoever. This game is just design too well. The game is fast and frantic, yet you still have complete control. I can't even complain about controls, which is something I normally have to when talking about the 360 and fighting games. Things are different from most 2D fighting games. Instead of 3 types of punches and kicks (like Street Fighter 4), BlazBlue uses a 4 button system. You have a weak button, medium button, strong button, and a 'do something awesome' button (I like that button). To make things even easier, 2 of your special moves and at least one of your finishers are mapped on the right stick. Just flick the stick in the right direction, and you can proceed to open up your can, jar, box, chest, or truck of whoopass on whoever's in front fo you. It's a hell of a lot easier than 'Down, Down-Forward, Forward, Down, Down-Forward, Forward, Button' to do moves. With this easy setup, someone like me can come in and be a G in no time. Of course, those who are well versed in the art of 2D fighters will come into this game as gods, and beat the holiest of all hell on anyone who challenges them (mostly by accident). What makes 2D fighters so great is that you can be creative with your ass-kicking. 2D fighters basically let you create your own combos, and the truely adventurous can develop 100 hit combos if they practice enough. That's why there is such a strong sub-culture for it. 3D fighters don't normally provide that since their combat style demands that combos be pre-determined. BlazBlue is no different from other 2D fighters in the combo department, and since the controls are simple, putting combos together is more fun than usual. This game even has punk bastards in mind. If you try to avoid someone for too long without attacking, a negative warning will appear, telling you if you don't man up and fight, we'll make you pay. If you don't wanna listen to the warning, Your defense will drop, and hits will hurt more than usual. Once again, you will have spammers, but in this game, they're easy to get around thanks to the air dash (unless they spam to get you to air dash, then you're screwed). Some people may not like the fact that there are only 12 characters, but fuck that. For me, this actually seems perfect. It's easier to learn how to play with 12 people than it is with 47 mother fuckas.

Hey! Some actually gameplay footage!

I was a little hesitant to put this in my hall of fame because of the clusterfuck that is the story, but everything else is just so awesome, I almost had to. Maybe with enough press, this game can move more copies. The LE is doing fine, but when the stand alone comes out, I think we'll see sales drop, which would be a shame. 2D fighters not Street Fighter have a very limited appeal. Maybe I can help in some way. Readers, buy this game. Tell your friends to buy this game. This game is too awesome to go unnoticed.

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: I finished the DVD. It's filled with tips and strategies on how to play the game. It kinda like a video instruction manual, except a lot more helpful. Didn't tell me shit about the story though. Did I mention that these guys also made the Guilty Gear series?

Def Jam Icon

I noticed that my reviews are getting shorter, but that's because there wasn't much for me to say about the games. Well people this will be another short one because there's not much to say about this game either; a game you can find in a bin for maybe 10 bucks. It's a shame how bad this one turn out because the last 2 Def Jam games kicked ass, especially Fight for NY when they took the series outside of wrestling and into streetfighting (well mixed martial arts when you think about it. Some cats were doing kung fu). Sadly the team who made the first 2 games didn't make this one. In fact, this game was made by the now closed EA Chicago, the same team that made the Fight Night boxing series. That makes this game even sadder since Fight Night also kicks ass. This game is a perfect example of good concept, bad execution, pissed off reviewer.

The game's story mode starts off with a guy (which you will create) kicking ass in a club. Apparently, your random act of violence caught the attention of Def Jam head brass and they decide to hire you. You help with the recruitment of artists to the record label by preforming more random acts of violence until you get a promotion. Then, you control the management of the artists: increase money for promotion, random acts of violence, CD copies, random acts of violence, PR, random acts of violence, random acts of violence, all that shit. The management is simple, but every once in a while (meaning always) you have to bash someone's skull to get what you want.

Nutcracker: the new album by T.I.

Where Icon innovates is its used of music as a weapon. The stages you will be fighting on all move to the beat of the music, so at certain points of the song you can throw your opponent by one of the environmental hazards and wait for the bass to knock. For example, let's say one of the hazards are gas pumps that explodes. Let's say the song you're fighting to is the Game "One blood" featuring....some guy whose name I forget (some research, huh?) You know that the gas pumps (in fact all the hazards on the stages attack at the same time) explodes every time dudeman said "One blooood" in the chorus. You could throw your opponent or knock him into the hazards around that time for him to get smacked. Don't wanna wait till the beat drops? You can control the beat with the game's DJ controls. Hold the left trigger and rotate the right analog stick to watch your guy spin some invisible records that apparently only he can see and touch (DJ Casper). Once he's done, the beat will break and the hazards will activate, kicking any ass in their way. This does alot less damage than waiting for the beat to break by itself, but good when someone is hanging around the danger area. To change the song, Hold the left trigger and rotate the LEFT analog stick first. Then he will switch hands and you can rotate with the right stick to change the song and activate the hazards. What's so important about the songs? If the song you picked is playing, you will do more damage to your opponent.

Only rappers would use a helicopter during a recession

All of this sounds good, right? Well, that's pretty much your whole offense: grab the guy, throw him somewhere, watch him get smacked by music. Punches and kicks (assigned to the buttons) are weak, useless, and don't open up for combos. In fact, there are no combos. Takedowns suck. They're always a suplex or leg sweep. You only good attacks come from rotating the right stick in certain directions (like in Fight Night) to knock ur opponent down, maybe into a hazard. It also doesn't help that the game moves slow as fuck. Everybody has like 1 of 3 fighting styles so there's little to no orginality between artists (just like in real life. Read my post on Neil's blog). Speaking of artists...besides TI, Big Boi, Ludacris, and Method Man, the list of fighters are a who's who's list of who really gives a fuck. Online is a bitch! It takes forever for the game to recognize and register my attacks. I press X and 2 seconds later my guy finally throws a punch. Are you fuckin kidding me? Besides the story mode and online, there ain't shit to do. I know fighting games are mainly 2 player games, but jesus christ guy you could have thrown something down. The Xbox360 version TECHNICALLY can use the music stored in your hard drive to fight, but it sucks at recognizing the beat break, so the hazards pretty much respond at random. Then again, maybe it's your own damn fault for playing the Pussycat Dolls.

No wonder gas prices are so high in Atlanta. Assholes!

Another review, another short one. This game aint worth the 10 bucks I stole to buy this game. As a music game it has some fresh ideas, but since this is a fighting game its a pile of shit. Alot of people think the music and the way it's implemented is reason enough to check it out, but let me hit you with this analogy. Let's say a dog takes a shit on the sidewalk and in his shit is a shiny gold ring. It's still a good ring and can even fetch you a pretty penny or two, but you'll probably not go near it because IT'S SURROUNDED BY SHIT! After looking at this game for a long while, EA went to Chicago and said "Apparently you guys don't know what you're doing so we're closing you down." All well; that's business. If you're really desperate, you can always get a job by random acts of violence. That seems to work. Also, why is it that when I kick someone's ass, they don't go on the radio and talk shit about it. That's all rappers do nowadays: talk shit. At lease let me make a mixtape or something (I'd call it "Random Acts of Violence").

NOTE: Who did I get the $10 from? I got it from your sister while she was asleep in my bed (OOOOOOOOOH!).

Street Fighter 4 - My Review

Down - Down Forward - Forward - Punch. This is probably the second most popular button combination in video game history (the first being Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start). That's because the Street Fighter series is that damn good. Admittedly though, I didn't play much Street Fighter because my household was a Mortal Kombat house (classic rivalry). Yea, played a little Street Fighter here and there, but I never really got into it til the Marvel vs Capcom series, which is a shame because the series is fuckin awesome and can kick the ass of any fighting game series ever released.

Street Fighter 4 (SF4 for now on because I'm lazy) is more of a sequel to SF2 than SF3, so if you're expecting this game to be combo happy you're fresh fuck out of luck. There are combos, but not major ones like the 35 hit combos we've gotten used to, but you know what, it works. Now newbies can actually get into it and not be scared off. Other than that the main formula remains unchanged.

.....no homo

The usually suspects return to do what they do best (smack each other around with moves deemed impossible for humans to do), but you can't release a game without adding new fighters. There are 4 new characters and 2 new unlockables. There's Abel who likes to grab dudes...alot, Crimson Viper with a super-powered business suit with a tie that covers her cleavage nicely, Rufus who's.....fat, El Fuerte who's a cook so I don't know why he's here in the first place but hey he's fast as fuck so why not, Gouken who trained Ken and Ryu and therefore is kick ass, and Seth who is number 2 on my cheapest boss list. I believe Neil has already mentioned them, but fuck it because I'm too lazy to change it. These additions make a total of 25 fighters. Yea, that's not alot for a 2D fighter by today's standards, but each fighter feels so different who cares?

Normally I don't talk about graphics because I don't believe they make or break a game. Take that into account when I talk about how pretty the game is. One of SF4 selling points is its paintbrush presentation, and dammit if it isn't awesome. The entire game looks like its been painted instead of handdrawn or CGI, kinda like Prince of Persia or Afro Samurai. Even some of the attacks has this black paint smear that appears. Even the opening cinematics looks awesome. When you buy this game (and you damn well better), don't press start. Just sit back and watch the opening scene (cover your ears though because the backstreet boys-like theme song is annoying)

Welcome to another episode of Blanka : the Crocodile Eater

So......how does it play? Well, it's Street Fighter. How do you think it plays? OK, there are a couple new gameplay elements that affects strategy a bit. Super moves are back and they hurt, but now added is your Ultra move (or as I like to call it, the get yourself out of some serious shit move). Your super meter fills up as you hit, but your ultra meter fills up as you GET hit. Once your ultra meter fills up halfway you can unleashed it on your hapless opponent. You can wait until your meter is completely fill, but since that requires getting hit more, it's probably not a good idea. The next new addition is the focus attack. Press and hold medium punck and kick to charge the attack. Hold it long enough and it because unblockable. While charging your attack, you can absorb one (and only one) attack. This is important for strategy. If you suck, practice in challenge mode. Of course, controls may be a problem with the xbox controller, but that's why I got the PS3 version. Capcom did a good job making the analog feel responsive, and some of the moves can really only be done with the analog, but I needs me a good D-pad to fight with. When it comes to fighting games, Xbox's controller can go suck a dick.

Again.....no homo

Make no mistake; this is a fighting game, and as with all fighting games, this is meant to be played with other people, whether it be offline or online. Playing online is fun (as long as I don't play with some dick with a mic) and there is little lag. Unlike Neil, I like beating up on chumps who pick Ken all day every day. I just pick Sagat and tiger uppercut their asses. To make it feel more like an arcade experience, people can interrupt your arcade play and face you online. It's a cool trick, but I wish somebody would have told me this before I started playing.

Does Sagat hafta choke a bitch?

I tried to keep it short because this review has been done before, but I guess I talked too much anyway. I think Neil and I are in agreement here that this is the best fighting game for the Xbox360 and PS3 hands down (If he says DOA4, he's lying). I'm adding this game to the list of "You have no choice but to buy this" games. Go buy it...now....do it....LEAVE!.....don't keep reading to see where I'm going with this, go buy the game!


Note: The outfit you see Blanka wear in the pic above is his alternate attire. To get alternate outfits, you have to buy them off the xboxlive or PSN marketplace. It's not worth it. Save your points for something awesome like Portal: Still Alive.

Street Fighter 4 - Neil's Review

My boy Kev J. asked me to review this game for some time now. Finally finished it. Here goes nuttin'.

It’s been a long time coming. One of them most storied franchises in gaming has finally graced the xbox360 with a brand new installment. This game had a lot of hype coming in and of course, they did not disappoint.
I’ve been a Street Fighter fan since the SNES days with Street Fighter 2 so nobody had more expectations than I did. If you ever played a fighting game you know exactly what the concept it. Two fighters meet on a map and proceed to beat the holy hell out of each other. Best of three rounds wins the match. Simple, it better be. Fun, you know it. All of your favorite characters are back. This is a blessing and a curse in some ways. On the good, I get to play as Ryu, Ken, and Chun-Li all over again, thus reliving my childhood of being in arcades and beating the crap out of grown men (good times). The bad part, everybody under the sun gets to spam with Ken. JUST KEN!!! I’ll say more about that later. There are some new characters added to the fun. First is Abel, the guy with no memory and a need for longer pants. Crimson Viper is the secret agent who wears a high tech suit to kick ass. Then there’s crazy quick cook/wrestler El Fuerte. Some fat f*** named Rufus is in it too. Last but not least is Gouken, the sensei of Ryu and Ken. Overall there are 25 characters. I do wish there were a few more, but maybe there could be some downloadable content in the future.
Game play is true to the old school. If you ever played and old school Street Fighter, you won’t miss a step. If you are completely reliant on the combo system of games like Marvel vs. Capcom, you are royally screwed. Arcade Mode is slightly difficult on easy and damn near impossible on medium to hard. During arcade mode, your game can be interrupted by an online player. This is similar to being in an actual arcade. This is a great touch, but if you are trying to unlock characters, this gets really annoying. Of course, there is the option to turn it off and play normally. One of the most annoying parts of the game is the final boss, Seth. By the way…What kind of name is Seth for a final boss? I’m really scared of some dick named Seth. Anyway, the first round is relatively easy to get through. This easy win gives you a false sense of security. “This isn’t so hard” you would say. Then you get beat like a stepchild the next two rounds. You’ll be lucky to get two hits in at times.
From my experience online play has no lag when the fight starts. If you decide to look at the fighter intro you might see a little pause but that’s all. As you go through online fights, you get battle points which show only how many fight you’ve won. You also get titles and icons to make yourself look dumber to other players. They serve no purpose buy you can’t help but try to get more titles and icons since there are so many of each. Just be prepared to battle some cheap spammers in this game.
The last and probably most important thing is that you will get annoyed playing with the 360 controller. It’s not built for fighting games. When putting in a combination you could hit a sequence by accident and throw off your entire move. This happens all too often. Luckily you can purchase a classic arcade stick for $90. I considered this for about 10 sec. and then said no because I do not think I should pay for something that is worth $30 more than the actual game that I will most likely use for this one game. Screw that!! If you can get past this, then you’ll be fine as an average playe.
Bottom line, this is a definite purchase. This may bring the fighting genre back into the forefront of gaming. Sooner of later we’ll have to get sick of FPS games right?

P.S. – HAPPY NOW KEV?!

NOTE: NO, I'm not smartass.

Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe

This...makes...ab...so...lute...ly...nooo....SENSE!

I knew something was wrong when I saw Sub-Zero beating up Batman in the first trailer, but it didn't sink in for me until after I bought it just how retarded the concept sounds. But then again, MK's rival Street Fighter and DC's rival Marvel made games together so I guess it was just a matter of time. Common wisdom told me not to buy this game because crossovers are usually cheap cash ins to sucker the geeks into spending money, but the MK fan in me said "FINISH HIM" so i had to find out for myself. I was right in a sense that this game tailors to the geeks who dream of fan fictions, but you won't actually be a sucker for buying this. Despite the weirdness MK vs DC is a good (but somewhat shallow) game

First I gotta talk about how these 2 universes collide, and although its not necessary a good story I have to give them credit for crafting one that actually makes sense. The story begins with Superman bitchslapping Darkseid in Metropolis. Meanwhile, Raiden is putting the finishing touches on Shao Kahn. Darkseid tries to escape in a teleporting device called a boomtube, but Superman shoots him with his laser eye beam, destablizing the device. Shao Kahn tries to make a similar escape only for Raiden to shoot him with lightening, ruining his portal. With both events happening at exactly the same time, it causes the 2 universes to begin merging with each other. It also causes the fighters to be filled with something called kombat rage and they are compelled to fight each other. That would explain why both sides are trying to whoop ass instead of sitting down and actually talking about the situation.

Yes the story is bad, but like most fighting games, fuck you if you want a story. Theres the enemy: KICK HIS ASS! And kicking ass is something this game does very well. If you played MK in the past, you kinda have an idea what to expect. This game takes the speedy 2D fighting from the MK of old (1,2,3, ultimate 3, and trilogy) and combines it with the 3D combo chaining of the last MK games (Deadly Alliance, Deception, and Armageddon). The result is a fighting system thats easy to pick and hard to master. Special moves have been revamped, and now you can even combines them into combos. In other words some combos will end with a special move, and others will let you add something extra to your special, or combine special moves into something awesome (think Liu Kang's bicycle kick following by his flying kick). These are called pro-moves, and if you want to know how to do them, you can go to the internet (duh') or to the Kombo Challenge mode which I'll explain later in the review.

MK vs DC has 3 new ways to fight that makes things more interesting. First is Free-Fall Kombat. You know how in some fighting games when you knock someone out the area, they fall into another area? Well instead of just letting the fighter fall, Midway had the right idea of letting the attacker beat the shit out of the guy on the way down. The attacker will press one of the 4 face buttons to hit the opponent, and the defender will try to guess what button the attacker will press. If he guesses correctly, then the defender and attacker will switch roles. Each successful blow fills up a meter on the side of the screen. Fill it enough and you can end free-fall mode by press the RB button and doing a special move that sends them craching to the ground. Klose-Kombat mode is similar in that the defender must guest what the attacker must press. The difference is that the attacker will grab the opponent and pull in close so they can get to know each other better over a nice tall can of whoop-ass. If the defender guess right, he (or she; I need to stop saying only males pronouns) will reverse and counter-attack, ending Klose-Kombat mode. The 3rd is called Test your Might (some might remember that from the first game). In some stages, you can knock your opponent into the side of a building, run into him/her, run through every wall in the building, and come out the other side. When this happens, both players will hit the button as fast can to increase or decrease the amount of damage taken, depending on which end you on. It's fun to watch.

Of course, what's an Mortak Kombat game without fatalities. Sadly, since this game is rated T, the fatalities have been toned down. Toned down to the point that most of them suck (I know I typed a sentence fragment; I don't give a fuck). And if I wasn't disappointed enough, 2 of them were censored. The American version won't show Deathstroke or Joker's gunshot connect with the head (You can see the European uncensored versions on youtube). That pisses me off, especially since those are 2 of the better ones. Seriously, despite the censorship, Joker's fatality is fuckin funny. I'm not even going to try to describe it; you just have to watch.

Sadly, there's only 4 modes (story, arcade, kombo challenge, and online), and if you don't play online your time with the game will be shorter. Kombo Challenge lets you try to complete a series of combos of the person of your choice. It's good for picking up some moves, but since it's so difficult nobody but the truly dedicated will actually try (keyword TRY) to finish it. Online is basically a bunch of people using special moves. It came to a point where I wonder why the developers even included punches and kicks. Nobody uses them; it's just one special move after another. For those who like to collect, there's only 2 unlockables in the entire game (Shao Kahn and Darkseid), and they're piss easy to get (just complete both stories).

Although a short experience, it's still a good game. If you are a MK fan, you will pick this up anyway (if you haven't already) and be satisfied in the fact that although the fatalities are weak, they're still better than that stupid Kreate-A-Fatality from Armageddon. If you're a DC fan, you're pretty much required to buy this because it's the only good game DC has ever been in since the Sega Genesis (good times). For the rest of you, I suggest you rent it first to see where you stand.

NOTE: Seriously, STOP FUCKIN' SPAMMING SPECIALS MOVES YOU BASTARDS!