Alpha Protocol

Remind me again to never do E3 coverage by myself again. I mean, I just did the bare minimum and I felt so tired afterward. Trying to sum up 4 days of coverage so that it stays a little bit interesting is not easy. Still, it was pretty awesome, and first the first time in a long time, I'm actually excited about the games to come, especially for the Wii of all systems. Now that I'm done with E3, I can finally get to playing games again. Sadly, the first game I played was Alpha Protocol, a game so broken I tried to return it to no avail. The game is filled with so many ideas, it could very be considered Mass Effect Jr., but it barely does anything right.

Let's get the combat out of the way: IT SUCKS! This action rpg doesn't really know how to pull off the action bits, and at this day and age how do you fuck it up? The AI is backwoods retarded and is incapable of pulling off the most simple tasks like lets say....shoot at you. During every firefight I've been in, someone suffering from a case of the dummies decides it's a good idea to run full speed at me right into the sights of my gun. Well gee thanks. For a minute there I thought I would have to TRY to you kill you. Speaking of guns, this and any other rpg that features guns that I've played (with the exception of Mass Effect 2 and Fallout 3) can't seem to do it right. I can understand leveling up your gun skills, but why does it affect the guns in general? You skills should not effect the damage points dealt. When I started using the assault rifle, it would take roughly 10 bullets to take down someone without body armor. That doesn't make any sense. Later in the game, after leveling up my rifle skills, I could take down heavily armored guys with 3 bullets. What the fuck!? Mind you, these are the bullets that hit. I'm not counting the ones that missed their target because my aim was shit. Also, I used the same rifle the whole game without using a single add-on. In Fallout 3, your level only affected your accuracy. A bullet to the forehead did the exact same damage no matter what level you were. Not so in this case. Also, what the fuck is up with headshots!? Headshots should fuckin kill, not do critical damage!! That fucker shouldn't be living anymore, let alone shooting at me! For example, I snuck into a base in order to plant a bug. When I needed to get by a patrol, I couldn't get in close to do a knife kill, so I decided to shoot the guy with my silenced pistol. After missing 7 fuckin shots, I managed to hit the guy in the back of the head. Did he die? No! He turned around, shot at me, and raised the alarm!! That's bullshit!!! Solid Snake is spinning in his grave right now. The pistol is fuckin useless in this game. It's never fuckin accurate, and you'd be an idiot to wanna level it up until it is, which leads to another problem. I can understand not being able to hit a guy's eyeball from a football field away, but if the guy you're playing as is supposed to be an elite operative, it shouldn't take a whole fuckin clip before I manage to graze his fuckin shoulder! The biggest fuckin tragedy - the one thing that send me over the edge - is how they treated the shotgun. Take all of the above problems and add the fact that it's a close range weapon, and you will have the biggest piece of bullshit in weapon history. Why, oh why, do I need to level up the shotgun!?  IT'S A CLOSE RANGE WEAPON; ANYBODY CAN USE IT!!! It should be a fuckin gimmie! And that's not the worst part. When you are close to someone, IT TAKES 5 FUCKIN SHOTS TO DROP THEM! IT'S A SHOTGUN!!! IT'S DESIGN TO ONLY NEED ONE SHOT!!! HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT UP!! I can't take it anymore!


You also have the option of stealth in this game, and I noticed a lot of people seem to take that route. I guess it make sense because it makes you seem more like a super agent. I, on the other hand, went with the run 'n' gun tactic because I figured using stealth would work to my disadvantage, and I was right. There are some missions where stealth isn't an option, and you can't use stealth during boss fights. So if you sunk all your stat points on stealth, you're pretty much SOL when those moments come up. With that said, taking the stealth route makes the game a hellava lot easier because of the retard AI I mentioned earlier. Raise your stats up enough and you're pretty much invisible, granting you to ability to kill someone who is fuckin standing right next to his partner. There are also lockpicking and hacking minigames which are okay at first, but gets annoying as the game goes on.

You know, The more I think about Alpha Protocol, the more I noticed the similarities between it and Mass Effect 1, problems and all. So what makes this a steaming pile of shit while Mass Effect is a marvelous game that should be played. Well, they don't fuck up the action so badly, but most importantly, Mass Effect has a rich and engaging universe. The main story was excellent, everyone had an interesting backstory which fleshed out their character, every place you visited had it's own story, and every conversation you had only added more to an already deep universe. The game made you care about everything you did and every decision you made. Alpha Protocol fails to do that. Everyone is dull, nobody feels important, and the overall plot, which is not bad, only feels like an excuse to go shoot somebody. Even your character, Michael Thornton, feels incredibly bland and uninteresting. You could pin that on me because of the choices I've made, but that doesn't excuse the rest of the cast. Some relationships aren't even built right. In one mission, I had to choose between saving a woman and stopping a bomb from going off. Well gee, seeing as how I met the woman only 2 hours ago and haven't established any real connection with her, it's not really that hard of a decision is it? Now point me to the bomb before I shoot you with my completely inaccurate gun. Speaking of choices, that seems to be the only thing this game does right. This is the first game that delivers on the promise that everything you do does have a consequence. Sometimes this means pissing off someone you could have potentially helped you or causing a base to add more security. Not every decision is that dramatic, but you won't know that at the time, forcing you to really think about what you wanna do. When in a conversation with somebody, you only have about a second to answer, and when you need important information (or when there's a gun to your face) you have to come up with the right answers. Conversations are also used to build relationships with people that can help (or hurt) you later on. Once those words fly out your mouth though, that's it. No do-overs. You're stuck with whatever decision you made....unless of course you go to the dashboard on your 360 or PS3. PC owners, you're SOL. They did screw up on one aspect. When talking to someone, the conversation wheel (the display that lets you choose your options) doesn't clearly let you know what you're gonna say. The options usually tell you HOW you are going to say it, not what you're going to say. You'll get options like professional, suave, aggressive, and shit like that, but with only a second to respond, sometimes you'll pick an option only to find out it means the opposite of what you meant. Damn, time to go back to the dashboard.


I'm in the closing paragraph and it just occurred to me that I didn't even explain the story. Well, you're a new member of Alpha Protocol, a group not listed by the government. You get sent out on a mission where the people in charge betray you and secretly works for a weapons company  who wants to start World War 3. Now rogue you have to compile all the evidence against them and bla bla bla. Take Splinter Cell Conviction, take out the dead daughter bit and replace it with Stark Industries before he went Iron Man and there's your story. And that's Alpha Protocol in a nutshell. It's a clusterfuck of ideas that might have actually work if the developers knew what the fuck they were doing.

Rating: Ass

NOTE: Why am I getting my ass kicked by some goth punk mute chick? Fuck this; I'm playing Blur.

Mass Effect 2

Oh god dammit Bioware, not again. You've already taken too much of my time with Dragon Age; now you've released the sequel to the most kick ass RPG I've ever played. How do you even find the time to do all of this? Ever tried juggling between two extensively long video games? Not easy. Luckily for me, Mass Effect 2 is a lot shorter then Dragon Age (everything is shorter than Dragon Age) so I was able to finish it, but this game is still huge and I can't do it alone. That's why I enlisted of the smartass Neil to help me review this. He hasn't done a review since Street Fighter 4 almost a year ago....damn. You ready to do this man?

[Neil]: Sooooo, you need my help to review a game a lot shorter than a game you did by yourself?

..........that's not the point.



You are Commander Shepard, the biggest bad-ass to have ever led a group of bad asses this side of space...and you are dead. At least, that's what the galaxy thinks. After being blown to hell with your ship, you're found by a private corporation, Cerberus. Yes, they do have a shady reputation, but you're Commander fuckin Shepard. If they crossed the line, your foot will cross their ass. Also, you..umm...kinda owe them for...you know...bringing you back to life, but still, ass whooping for all who cross you. Humans are disappearing, and Cerberus wants you, Commander bad-ass, to find out why and whoop some ass. But it's not just you out there putting your ass on the line. It's mainly you, but there are others there to help you. Bioware has added a lot of personality to the supporting cast, and for once, I actually give a damn about the people around me.

[Neil] Now when a sequel comes out, you gotta come correct when it comes to presentation. Mass Effect 2 did not disappoint…mostly. Let’s start with the good. Just like the first game, the Normandy is extremely detailed with all the bells and whistles. What really stands out are the loading screens. Yes, the loading screens. These shots kick ass!! Shit moves! In the first one all you had was that blue sphere thing from the mass relay point. Now, there’s other stuff. I can’t remember all the stuff but trust me there a lot of it. Also, each planet that you are able to land on looks completely different from any other one. Why is this good? If you’re asking that you should be slapped. (Kevin get on that). Being unique is what makes an RPG great. Actually that’s a rule in most games. DON’T BE FUCKIN GENERIC!!! Even the NPCs on each planet are different. To go into that much detail on an American RPG? That’s just…awesome.



If you remember from my Dragon Age review, I said Mass Effect 1 was damn near broken, and it was. Sometimes people glitched through walls, people would disappear, textures wouldn't appear when the game boots up from a save file (like in Gears 2 when multiplayer starts), and sometimes the game will just crash forcing you to restart. Not really a problem in ME2. Everything runs smoothly while improving the graphics, and thank christ that the texture doesn't fuckin disappears anymore. It's still not perfect though. There are still instances where people would get stuck in the environment or the audio would drop when turned from someone. There's also been some claims that the game still crashes, but I've been playing for days, and it's hasn't happened yet.



[Neil] If you played the first game, welcome back. The buttons and control are basically the same. There is one catch though. Each different class has a special ability. Soldiers can slow down time for a few seconds. If you’re like me and adore putting bullets in stuff, then this is the class for you. Every weapon is at your disposal and all of them hurt…sweet. I also tried the vanguard class. This is for the shotgun enthusiast, like Kevin. The charge attack kicks ass, but if u don’t like close range combat, don’t bother. The other classes have nice moves too, just haven’t tried the out yet. Notice I said “yet.” There is so much replay value in this. The morale system can give alternate endings which means something different can happen each time. Sweet!!



All the stuff that didn't work in the first game is gone. It's good to see all the crap I had to put up with in the first game got cut out. I see Bioware has received my hate mail. The mako drove like shit float on a river of shit towards the shittyfall and that....and then....Ugh I'm out of shit references. Well, it's good not to drive that again. In fact, you don't drive anything at all. It's better that way. All the confusing weapon and armor customization is gone as well. Now weapon upgrades that don't need to be bought apply automatically to you and your whole crew, eliminating the need to micromanage. That also means that there's little customization and no looting. In other words, if you're a fan of Borderlands, don't expect the same shit. The result is a more action pack game where shit hits the fan, and it's hell in the hole. With a lot of RPG elements gone, some might say it's no longer a role playing game, but I say fuck that! This is more than a RPG than most, especially JRPGs. Not only do you play a role (something JRPGs can't seem to fuckin grasp), but you're very invested in your character because he or she is everything you make him/her out to be. Your decisions hold weight, and some of the most trivial shit can come back to bite you on the ass. In other words, you runs shit; you're not just along for the ride. Speaking of running shit, if you import your ME1 file to ME2, you'll see the results of all the decisions you made in ME1. It really makes you stop and think before you just respond to a situation. Before I knew ME2 was coming out, I just picked any old answer, most decided through a flip of a coin. Now when I play ME2, I stop and go "How will this bite me in the ass later?" That is awesome.



And now onto the subject of sex. Neil if you would...

[Neil] There isn't any. Get over it.

Thank you Neil. Yes, there's no actual sex scenes in this game. You can still get laid in the game, you just won't see it. Now if you're upset by that...

[Neil] You're a fuckin loser.

Thanks again. I believe though that Bioware should make it their business to eliminate sex from their games for now on for the sole purpose of pissing off the internet dweeds on forums now n' days. I went to 2 forums recently to find info on a mini-nuke launcher (OMFG that just sounds fuckin awesome), and I see 3 pages of heated discussion about the lack of sex scenes. Now, I played to make several jokes on the subject (4 of them were lesbian jokes), but after seeing that sad display, I'm instead gonna make a plea to the folks at Bioware: please no more sex scenes. Look at all the annoyance it's causing. If anything, don't give these animals ammo.

[Neil] Make them quit cold turkey.

Quite.

[Neil] But while we're on the subject, Kelly goes both ways...so have at it.

Really? Hmmm....fuck did I do with that game?

Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Rings of Death

[Neil] You know, we forgot to do a closing paragraph.

Oh shit, you're right. Ummm......Mass Effect 2 is one of those games you can't put down. I've have lost sleep, meals, bathroom breaks, and showed up late for work just because of the addictive nature of this game. Pick this one up. You owe it to yourself, especially after you moved that couch for your buddy. Treat yourself...to awesome.

[Neil] You also forgot to do your NOTE thing.

FUUUUCK!

NOTE: How did you like the top ten ninja list? I bet you didn't even know there were 10 ninjas in 360's history.

Dragon Age: Origins

The only videos I could find were of the PC version, so the game obvious doesn't play exactly like that. Plus compared to the PC version, the Xbox360 version looks like shit. If you have a super computer, get the PC version.

I wouldn't have given this game a try if it was made by anybody else but Bioware, creators of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Jade empire, the buggy yet kickass Mass Effect, and surprising enough Sonic Chronicles (I Know!). This is the type of RPGs that I'm familiar with, and therefore stay away from because quite frankly, I see nothing interesting about middle Earth (which is what I'm now calling this era of time). I don't generally like dwarfs and elves and mages and shit like that, but never criticize a product until you tried it (except Sonic Shuffle for Dreamcast) so I decided to pick up a copy. Well, I'm 14 hours in, and something weird is happening. This game reaffirms that I don't like this setting or it's characters, but I can't stop playing. It really says something about the developers if they can hold your attention while playing something you don't like.



So I'm 14 hours in (not counting how many times I fuckin died!), and I'm only sticking to the main quest because all the side quest don't peak much interest. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty confident that I'm not even halfway done. In short, this game is looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong! It's time to start neglecting your family and job because this a huge time commitment, and I mean a big one. The reason for this is because the quests you're on a fuckin huge! Counting the times I died, I spent 4 hours completing one..ONE FUCKIN QUEST! For those who played the game (at least as a mage), it's the quest where you go back to the Circle of Magi and decide to help. And the funny thing about that is I was still in the middle of another quest when I went there. I thought it would a quick 'go in and kill everything' type of thing lasting no more than - I don't know - 45 minutes. NO! 4 BALL SWEATING HOURS! Then I started back on the quest I was originally was supposed to be doing, and halfway through that quest, I realized it was 5 in the morning. I started at 10 the night before. Yea, this game was not designed for people with a social life. Storylines take forever to play out, and half the time I forgot what I was doing. I was just killing people randomly until dialog finally popped up.



Normally in a game like this, I would pick the warrior class because:
A) They never have the fuckin ninja class, and
B) I'm highly aggressive and like to get to the stabby stabby as soon as possible,
but this time I decided to do things differently and went with the female elf mage with a badass tattoo over her eye. Little did I know that this may not be the game you want to try out new shit because I died a lot. Maybe it's because I learned way too late into the game that 'constitution' increases your health and durability. Yea, I know, dummy smacks for me, but why call it constitution? What the fuck happened to health? Are we to fancy now to use that word? I hope not because I never got the fuckin memo. I started off okay, but after a while, my weak body couldn't stand to fight no matter how strong my magic was. And while we're talking about magic, why do mages need mana? They're fuckin mages! Magic should just be flowing out of their asses. They don't need a blue bar telling them what's their limit. In fact, a good mage would make that bar disappear. I think Fable 2 got it right when they eliminated the mana bar because when you run out, your fuckin useless unless you're carrying refills, and since I'm constantly getting my ass kicked, I normally have none going into boss battles.....joy. Luckily, you can switch between your teammates and play as them, which is what I used to do until I realized my mage was blowing all her mana and virtually became useless because the AI doesn't know how to fuckin refill and neither did I! Geez, the game's quests are long enough; you mean to tell me I have to micromanage my team at the same time to make sure they don't fuck up? Holy crap! This game doesn't let you take it easy, does it?



I really don't like the style of gameplay. Basically, you point and click (in PC terms anyway) at what you want dead, and you and the enemy take turns hitting each other. If you ever played World of Warcraft...that. You press A to attack, and watch as your character goes through the attack motion over and over again while the enemy (or enemies because you will get jumped a lot) does the same thing, occasionally switching up to do a better move. There's no reactions to the hits at all really. Seriously, until one of you dies, you'll keep attacking like nothing's happening to you....it's weird. Every time you hit them, a number pops over their head. Gee, I didn't know we were playing murder bingo. I can't wait to see what they do for Scrabble. In all seriousness, the numbers tell you what hit points you've taken away from the enemy, but it's kinda redundant since the health bar is right over their heads. Actually, I take that back because you need those numbers to show you what attacks are the most effective against certain enemies and which ones..UUUUUUUUGH! I can't take this anymore. Why can't I just kill people normally?

You may have noticed I left the story out, but what do you want me to say? There's like 1000s of these fuckin stories that you can go through, and each is like an hour long at least. I can't keep track of my own life, let alone what's going on in this game. I guess the main thing here is that you're something called a Grey Warden, which is a big deal in this world, and you must rally an army to fight hellspawn and bla bla bla. I'm not even sure if that's even important anymore with all the times I've been sidetracked...BY DOING SHIT IN THE MAIN QUESTS!! So how can I continue to play a game I obviously don't like? I'll say this though; those bastards know how to make a damn good story. That's just the magic of Bioware I guess. Even when shit seems discombobulated, it all comes together in the end. It's that same kind of writing that made Mass Effect so kick ass despite the fact that the game was damn near broken. Dragon Age's story...well, stories always kept me interested and motivated me to keep going to see what would happen next. If the CD was nothing more than cut-scenes (and not..you know...60 bucks obviously) I think I would have been happy with that.

I don't know how to rate this one. I can't call it meh because that rating is for games I'm disinterested in. You know, the kind of games you have in your library that you glanced at a couple of times, but say fuck it and don't play them. This isn't that, but at the same time I can't call it sweet because I don't like the gameplay. So you know what, this game gets no rating. That's right; make your own damn rating for a change.

NOTE: Message to Bioware....NINJAS!....think about it. You know this to be awesome.

Fable 2

The role-playing genre has never been my favorite. In fact, I usually stay as far away as possible, especially if it's a JRPG (Japanese role-playing game). Normally that's the issue, but after playing Mass Effect and Fallout 3 western actionRPGs has actually earned my favor as long as they don't have anything to do with middle earth. Sadly, the original Fable took place around that time, and I never really got into it. It was bland in my opinion. So why play Fable 2? Because there was sooooo much hype about what they would do differently. Well I'm here to say that although there are some minor changes, the overall gameplay barely changed. Seriously, I had the play it 3 times just to find out everything that's different and I found little. Aw well.

The story starts out with you being a poor dude or chick with your big sister walking around doing remedial tasks which serves as the game's titorial until you are invited to a lord's castle. Then shit hits the fan as your sister gets shot and killed while you get blasted out the window. You survive your encounter (despite falling 1000 feet at 100 mph and cracking your head on the roof of a building on the way down but what the hell; let's roll with it) and years later you seek to get revenge any way you see fit.

The main point of this game is that you can be as good or as bad as you want to be, and the populous will react to your presense accordingly. So if your pure evil who's blood is liquid malevolence, then expect the public to quiver and avoid you (unless your in a town full of criminals; they'll love you). Of course you can always go the good route, but why would you want to? Everyone crowds around talking about how great you are, and if they're in love with you they won't leave you the fuck alone (normally that's when I pull out the pistol to scare them).
You can always be neutral, but every time I played my character always started to lean to one side. Whichever sides you take, know that some of your decisions will change the world in certain ways I can't explain without spoiling it.

That's all fine and dandy, but the real reason I play action RPGs is the action, so let's down to the combat. The fighting is broken up into 3 catorgories: strength, skill, and will. Strength deals with your melee weapon, skill deals with your gun (or crossbow), and will is your magic. When you kill an enemy, color orbs appear. These orbs give your experience points in each of the 3 catorgories-points you will use to improve your character. Blue orbs give you experience points for strength, yellow orbs for skill, red orbs for will, and green orbs for you to spend however you like. Which orbs appear depends on how you killed that enemy (use your gun and yellow orbs will appear). Gaining experience in certain will also change your physical appearance, but frankly who cares. I like this system better than most RPGs because it easy to understand what I'm doing to my character, but to tell you the truth I can never spend a single experience point and still beat Fable 2 because its TOO easy. If you get beat to death, you'll instantly spring back to life like the Undertaker in a WWE match (any WWE fans here......no?.....ok) and pick up right where you left off. The only real penalty for death is scars on your body you can't remove. BIG FREAKIN' DEAL!. Because of this, I just ran blindly into every battle and press the X button repeatedly till I got tired of it and decided to cast a spell.

If you're tired of killing everything that looks at you with 2 eyes, there are other things to do in the country of Albion (sorry I forgot to mention earlier that the game takes place in a fictional country). Questing doesn't pay as it used to, so you can get a job to earn you some extra dough. This is good for earning money to buy a kickass weapon, but like I said earlier the game is incredibly easy so new weapons aren't necessary. Besides, you get new ones halfway through. Of course you can use that money to spend on a ring so you can marry and start a family, but why would you want to? You half to constantly visit them and make them happy, not to mention provide them with money every 5 minutes. In the end, I wound up killing my spouse and letting child services take my kid [Where were they when me and my sister were kids (and alive)?].

So with all these issues, why is Fable 2 fun? Seriously, It's one of the best games I've played during the holiday season. It does very little different, but it does enough for it to be my 3rd favorite RPG for XBOX360 after Mass Effect and Fallout 3. Basically what Im saying is that it's worth a look, so find a friend who has it and play a little. You might be surprise.

NOTE: There is a co-op mode, but the visiting person can't use their character and the camera is fixed so it's really not worth it unless you need help getting money or something.