BCFX: Doug Williams Edition (W)

..................this bitch blows.

I have never played a football game so bad before. I'm normally kinder to budget titles because they don't have many resources, and I really wanted to like it because it showcases great black college football programs, but there is absolutely no excuse for this much suck in one game. It's so bad, I won't even put the fuckin box art up. I'm not even gonna proofread this shit because I don't care. Seriously, how do you fuck up football this badly? And why did this have to happen to black colleges? It's racism I tell ya!

When I booted up the game, I noticed something weird. None of the teams have ratings on them. So wait, does that mean that every team is as good as the next? Were the developers too lazy to do research? Is there any.....oh who am I kidding. It's because they were too fuckin lazy. You know what, fuck it. It a budget title, and they may not have the money, so let's roll with it. So I picked Grambling and decided to face Southern, and when the game loaded, the arena was empty. Yea, they was a crowd watching, but it looks like someone attacked the screen with paintballs instead of looking like people. Again, it's a budget title, so let's give them a pass. The bands and teams started coming out onto the field, and it just looked so terrible graphically. I thought they used the Unreal engine; why does it look so much like shit? Maybe they would have saved money not uses that engine. Okay, we reached the point of no more excuse, so let's get to the make and break part; the football.

The first play I chose was a run play, and when I handed the ball off, I immediately got tackled. Okay, they broke through; good for them. The next play was a short pass play, and when I snapped the ball, I immediately got sacked. I'm thinking "what the hell" as my guy slowly gets up. The 3rd play I picked was a deep pass, and what do you know. The defense broke through and I had to run for it. After several games, I realized that the O-line in this game doesn't block for shit. They'll either stand real fuckin still or block the wrong guy, and god forbid if they blitz. You can't bring over another blocker because the game doesn't allow you to have a man in motion. What the fuck!? Anyway, back to the play. I made a run for it when I saw at the last minute someone wide open, and I mean REALLY wide open, as in he had time to do his taxes wide open. When I threw the ball though...incomplete. Did overthrow or underthrow it? No. Did a defender I didn't see deflect it? No. Did he drop the pass? Not even! THE STUPID MOTHER FUCKA DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO CATCH THE FUCKIN FOOTBALL!!!! He just let it hit him in the chest; didn't even bother to put his hands up! This was not a one time thing. It happened repeatedly in EVERY FUCKIN GAME I'VE PLAYED! Your receivers will not try to catch the ball, and any completions made will be out of pure fuckin luck, so there's no fuckin point in throwing the ball, but that's okay because running is so piss easy. Just run around in a circle and you'll break free. Hurdling helps too because somehow players can leap over 4 defenders at once if it fuckin wants to. Juking though is fuckin useless because you'll still get tackled.

As for defense...what defense? Players just fuckin stand around all damn day. When they do decide to play, it's the most awkward shit I have ever seen in my life. Tackles seem to happen without even touching the guy. The players will horse collar tackle without any penalties called. Once the D-lineman comes in contact with the O-lineman, there's no fuckin way to escape. It's like they're glued together. The 2 biggest crimes this game commits is how it handles fumbles and interceptions. When someone fumbles the ball, more often than not, NOBODY WILL FUCKIN MOVE TO THE BALL! With the exception of the guy who caused the fumble, everybody just fuckin looked at the ball. As for the INTs, it's fuckin random. We all complained about Madden and their bullshit (and still will), but at least we can explain what happened. The safety or cornerback suddenly moved faster or the linebacker jumped a little too high; something along those lines. In BCFX, it's unexplainable! The ball disappears, the camera pans around, and the defender starts running. What the fuck just happened!?

What about halftime? Well, played Guitar Hero? Alright then. Surprisingly, they fuck this up too. They throw so many fuckin notes at you, even on beginner difficulty, and it doesn't always register your button presses. How fast do they think people can move their fuckin thumbs. Watching the shows are boring as hell. The electrifying displays the HBCU is known for have been recreated......into ugly, and it's a damn shame.

..................this bitch blows.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: .............Ninjas......that is all.....

Sonic the Hedgehog (W)

This is the review I wrote for the Sonic Bash blog, which is now gone. However, I wanted to save this review since it's relevant to the site and the 'Worst Game' segment, and also because I put a lot of thought into this review (I usually just freestyle write my posts), making it my favorite. The review has been edited to make more sense (and to be funnier), and I've added a paragraph for Shadow seeing as how someone pointed out that I didn't really bash him at all. Hope you like the small changes made. If you haven't read it yet, here's your chance, and hopefully, you'll find it funny as well as informative. All right, let me shut up before I get too boring. In fact you probably should have skipped this paragraph. Ah well, too late now, BITCH!

Well, here it is. Allow me to introduce to you one of the worst and most disappointing Sonic game ever: Sonic the Hedgehog. Look at the title. It's the same as the original Sonic game for the Genesis. That sort of shit symbolizes a new beginning for a series. In fact, Sega had the fuckin audacity to state that, but 5 minutes into the game and you'll realized that Sonic Team hasn't learned a god damn thing from its failures in the other games. It's like that girl from the club that you fucked despite knowing she has a man. Your instincts told you not to mess with her, but you did it anyway because you're fuckin horny. You wake up the next day in her bed because, like a fuckin idiot, you thought it was a good idea to go to her place instead of yours, and now her boyfriend is knocking at the door. You hide somewhere waiting for an opportunity to sneak past this guy when you hear him asking her who's car is it near the place. Apparently, this happened before or else he wouldn't ask such a question. Of course it has. Did you really think you were her only one night stand? She can't be anything else but a slut. Anyway, you finally get your chance to get out, but then all of a sudden, the guy decides to turn back and head to your exact location. Now you run with your underwear on and the rest of your clothes held tightly in your arms. You may have dropped a shoe, but fuck it; you'll buy a new pair. You haul ass down to the street with the big burly manchild in hot pursuit and make it to your car where you jump in Dukes of Hazzard style, start it, and drive off just before the man can reach in to rip your colon out through your ear hole. Thinking the worst is over, you head home to take a cold shower, but before that you have to take a piss, and right in mid-pee you start feeling an intense burning sensation. Okay, maybe that was a bad analogy, but shut up; I'm trying to make a point here. As a Sonic fan, you can try to play this game while convincing yourself it's not that bad, but every time you deny the fact, it adds to that burning sensations.

....plants make sparks now?

The game is divided into 3 storylines, and right there, a red light turns on. What is up with Sega and separate storylines? Can't we just have one cohesive story to follow? I think they finally got the message in Sonic Unleashed, but I digress. Each story follows a hedgehog through their respective story arch. You'll control Sonic, Shadow, and Sliver as you try to complete each story. WAIT! Got another red light. I thought this was SONIC the hedgehog. Where did the other 2 come from? Shouldn't they have just called it the Hedgehogs? Makes more sense to me. And why another hedgehog? Can't we think of something else? What about a mongoose or a bearcat? OH, what about a land shark?

In Sonic's story, Robotnik (I'm not calling him Eggman) is trying to kidnap this princess for one of his schemes. Then again, that's what Sega tells us. For all we know, he could just be trying to get his little eggs to squirt, and he has an awkward way with women, but what the hell let's go with their version. Of course, it's up to Sonic to protect her because....that's how he rolls. During the whole story, she keeps getting kidnapped, and you have to keep saving her. It's like Sonic and Eggman....Oh shit I let it slip. Sorry. It's like Sonic and ROBOTNIK are constantly playing tug of war with the bitch, and the winner gets a princess with 2 broken arms. So, as Sonic, your goal is to run from point A to point B as fast as you can. That's always been the case with Sonic (as it should be), but Sega couldn't have fucked it up any worse if they programed the game with their toes and occasionally with their man-breast (no woman's breasts obviously; that would be sexual harassment). The controls are all over the place. It's a fuckin challenge just to make Sonic go straight. Despite that, making him turn sharply is an even bigger bitch. If you want to go an alternate route, you're better off coming to a stop than trying to turn into it. The camera man is clearly fuckin drunk because he can't keep the camera fuckin steady when Sonic makes a left turn, let alone follow through the whole map. The biggest sin this game commits...well actually second biggest (I'll explain later) is the fact that Sonic moves so fuckin slow. It's so painful to watch him move as if he's lightly jogging through a game that's supposed to be about FUCKIN RUNNING! This makes the Werehog look like a formula one race car. Okay, maybe not that slow. Once in a while you get to control one of Sonic friends. If you thought Sonic was slow, wait till you play as Tails and Knuckles. No exaggeration, it's walking speed. They're not even that fuckin useful. You usually use them to turn on all the panels to open a door (or some shit like that) and once you do, the game switches you back to Sonic. What's the point? Sonic can do that by himself. In fact, why even have that in the game? I'm supposed to be FUCKIN RUNNING! The load times are so fuckin atrocious in this game. It takes no less than 30 seconds ever time you go to a new area in the hub world. Oh, did I forget to mention there's a completely fuckin useless hub world?

Sonic the Arsonist

Shadow's story is...ummm...you know, I can't remember. I know he works for GUN and was on assignment, but I just can't remember shit. When I played this game and wrote the Sonic Bash version of this review, it was August 31/September 1, so it's been a while since I've looked at the game. Ah well; he didn't really seemed that important to the overall story anyway. You could have replaced him with a bar of soap and still get the same effect. Hell, the soap probably would have had more personality than Shadow, aka Captain Emo. As for gameplay, he pretty much plays exactly like Sonic with a few noticeable changes, mainly the vehicles. Sometimes, it's required (keyword: REQUIRED) for Shadow to get into a car and use it for an objective. For example: I had to use a 4x4 with missile (or rocket) launchers to destroy all the nodes to bring down a forcefield guarding the entrance to a base. So let me get this straight. So you're telling me that Shadow, the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, needs to use a fuckin car? You mean to tell me that Shadow, the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, needs a missile launcher? So I'm to believe that Shadow, the MOTHER FUCKIN ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, couldn't do what Sonic does on a daily basis with nothing but his own 2 fuckin feet? BULL...FUCKIN...SHIT! Shadow can control time itself. He's just as fast as Sonic. Hell, he could fire energy blasts with a finger DBZ style if he wanted to. So why the fuck would he need any type of vehicle or ordinance whatsoever? And if you're going to make him use this stuff, can you at least makes the controls functional? Yes, Shadow has help like Sonic, and yes, they suck too.

The Holy Trinity of SUCK

Silver is from a fucked up future where he and Blaze the Cat are constantly fighting a monster name Iblis, and this is where the Sonic canon gets fucked up:

In Sonic Rush for the DS, Blaze comes over from another dimension to find and defeat Robotnik Nega, but in this game she's from the future with Sliver. In Sonic Rivals for PSP, Sliver comes back from the past to find and defeat Eggman Ne....shit!...Robotnik Nega who is now also from the future. So does that mean that what was once thought to be another dimension is actually the future, or was there a mix-up when writing the stories for each game?
The answer is rather simple: nobody fuckin cares, and you're a fuckin loser if you actually think that's important in any way. Don't look at me like that. I just happened to noticed, all right?

Anyway, he is tricked by the main villain Mephilis to go to the past to stop Sonic by telling Silver that Sonic is the one who caused Iblis to arise. I knew I was in for shit....well, when I played through the first 2 stories, but even if I didn't, I knew this would suck when Amy ran into Silver thinking it was Sonic. REALLY AMY!? You know, for a girl madly in love, you'd think she would recognize who is and who isn't Sonic. A silver colored hedgehog who's fur on his head is shaped like a potleaf is clearly not Sonic. She did this shit to Shadow too in Sonic Adventure 2. No wonder Sonic wants nothing to do with her; what a dumb bitch. Silver plays very differently from the other 2. His doesn't run through the stages; instead he using psychic abilities to attack enemies and getting past obstacles at a normal platforming pace. Silver's gameplay sucks, but not because it feels broken like Sonic and Shadow. His psychic powers are never really used in numerous ways. All you do is make paths for you to get across gaps, pick up items to throw at enemies (which to my knowledge is the only way to attack), and bend girdles to use as springboards. That's it. With such limited options, Silver gets boring almost immediately, which is a shame because this actually had a lot of potential. He should be doing the kind of shit we've seen in Star Wars: the Force Unleashed. Like the other two, Silver also has friends, but unlike Sonic and Shadow, you'll feel like you've played most of the story with the help. The main one is Blaze who plays exactly like Sonic, and therefore sucks. Apparently, they figured since Sliver is slow, they'll make the player play as Blaze longer. So, instead of evolving Silver's powers until he is actually fun to play, they added more running. Well, if they felt it was necessary to do that (and I could be wrong, but chances are I'm not), why even add Silver in the first place? Why not just make it about Sonic and have him FUCKIN RUNNING!? All 3 campaigns suffer from bad level design, which falls somewhere between pretty shitty and porta potty shitty. Damn, do I have anything nice to say about this game?

.....wrong...as...hell...

You wanna know what's so wrong about that picture above? Do you really want to know? Fine. Throughout the story, the relationship between Sonic and the princess grows into something...ummm...intimate. Yes, the male hedgehog and the female human fall in love. I wish I was fuckin joking. There's one scene towards the end where Sonic gets killed by Mephilis (yea, I'm ruining the story; I don't care), and the princess, in her grief, kisses Sonic in the mouth and somehow brings him back to life. Then he transforms into Super Sonic and bla bla bla. First off, why are two beings of different species falling in love? Okay, maybe if Knuckles and Rouge got together, that would make sense, but they're both anthropomorphs. A human and an anthropomorph isn't acceptable. Second, she kissed Sonic in the fuckin mouth...while he was dead! She didn't really know her kiss would be him back to life. Now let me ask you something: what's worse? Is it the fact she made out with an animal or the fact she made out with a corpse? Well, it's dealer's choice, so pick your fuckin poison. Now THIS is like that girl from the club that you fucked despite knowing she has a man. Your instincts told you not to mess with her, but you did it anyway because you're fuckin horny. You wake up the next day in her bed because, like a fuckin idiot, you thought it was a good idea to go to her place instead of yours, and now her boyfriend is knocking at the door. You hide somewhere waiting for an opportunity to sneak past this guy when you hear him asking her who's car is it near the place. Apparently, this happened before or else he wouldn't ask such a question. Of course it has. Did you really think you her only one night stand? She can't be anything else but a slut. Anyway, you finally get your chance to get out, but then all of a sudden, the guy decides to turn back and head to your exact location. Now you run with your underwear on and the rest of your clothes held tightly in your arms. You may have dropped a shoe, but fuck it; you'll buy a new pair. You haul ass down to the street with the big burly manchild in hot pursuit and make it to your car where you jump in Dukes of Hazzard style, start it, and drive off just before the man can reach in to rip your colon out through your ear hole. Thinking the worst is over, you head home to take a cold shower, but before that you have to take a piss, and right in mid-pee you start feeling an intense burning sensation. For those of you who have been paying attention, you probably noticed that I never referred to the princess by name, and now you know why. What a sick bitch. For those of you who haven't...[CLAP] [CLAP] FOCUS!!

You know, I would run from Tails too

If Sonic is a dying franchise, then this game is the tumor the doctors found in its brain, and it's gonna take a hell of a lot of chemo to get rid of all the sick it left behind. Until I played Sonic R and Sonic the Fighters, I pointed to this game as the worst in the series. I literally cried from the pain of playing this shit. Really. Ask Neil. If someone said to you that you would have to play this or else your child dies....okay, that was going a little too far, but you get my point. I've played a shitload of Sonic games, so when I (and basically the whole gaming community) say a game is awful, you can depend on my word. FYI: the princess name is Elise. I just wanted to point that out just in case someone was thinking I didn't actually know her name. I know some of you were thinking it.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: I blame Fox and it's 4kids block for making Sonic suck. Watch Sonic X and you will agree with me. It would have been better...with ninjas!

Vampire Rain (W)

Oh my god. This is it. I found it. This has to be the absolute worst game for the Xbox360. Never have I played a game so bad, that I felt such strong physical pain before. Seriously...OW. To be completely honest, I didn't get far into the game because it was so bad, I couldn't play it anymore. Despite this, I still had a review to do, so I gave the game to 2 avid gamer friends of mine and asked them to give me feedback on this shit. For some reason, they don't want their names attached to this review. Maybe it's because they don't want to be attached to this piece of shit. Maybe it's because they knew I would misquote them and call them names. Either way, I thank them for what they done for me. Now, here's our review of the game that beat out Leisure Suit Larry for the top spot of worst.

Sam Fisher?

The game starts off with a poorly, POORLY, acted screen with a commander and his assistant talking about the increasing vampire problem. It's this scene where you hear this line:

"We were suppose to be the country's watchdog. Well, this watchdog grew some teeth, and it's time to bite back."

......moving on...

So, basically you play as Lloyd who's job it is to get rid of these bastards. How do you do it? By sneaking past them. Yep, this is a stealth game, and a game where you sneak past vampires is suppose to be pretty freakin sweet (I don't really like stealth games, but the other guys do), but they couldn't fuck it up worst, but I digress. The story is bad, the acting is bad, the dialog is bad, your sister's cooch is bad; everything is bad.

I'll show you who's taillight is busted

You know in the old Metal Gear Solid games, there was a radar telling you where the enemies were? Well, this game has it too, but nothing will show up. I was wondering what was the fuckin point of the map if it didn't tell me where the enemies were, but then I found out about the Necrovision. You use your goggles to see if anybody in the area is a vampire or human. If you scan a vampire, then it shows on the radar. It's a fuckin hassle to stop every 5 minutes to put on the goggles to see if it's friend or foe just so they appear on radar. Why not just have them on the fuckin radar to begin with!? And why the fuck are there humans on the street? Don't they know there are vampires? Anyway once you do that, then you can start sneaking around. Now, what's one important aspect of stealth games that is vital? It's freedom of movement. Does this game have that? Of course not. It's a shitty game. The game is very specific on where you have to go, and if you try something else, then expect to hit dead ends and have vampire teeth up your ass. Does the game tell you where to go or at least leave some clues? No; that would be the smart thing to do. Instead you have to find out through trial and error, and in a stealth game, that leads to a shitload on death. What the fuck were they thinking?

The only time a gun is useful.

So, what do you do if a vampire spots you? You die. You will always die. The guns you carry around are nothing more than a cocktease because they don't do shit against the vampires. I unloaded a whole clip of my sub-machine gun into one of these bastards, and he still killed me, IN 2 HITS! Can you run? Fuck no. Vampires are much faster than you. Plus, you will have to deal with sticky controls, so even if you could run, you will fuck it up and die. If a nightwalker spots you, just rest the control down and wait for the retry screen because there aint a damn thing you can do about. In good stealth games, you could at least defend yourself to some extent, and if you couldn't do that, you could always run. Vampire Rain basically gives the middle finger to players and says "Tough shit. You shouldof never got seen." This game is pure agony in disc form, and if you bought this, I wouldn't blame you for killing yourself.

Rating: Red Rings of Death (TWICE!)

Well, that might be the worst game for Xbox360, period. That's good. It means I won't have to review Sonic the Hedgehog or Too Human because I know for a fact this is worse. I know some people were looking forward to see me bash Sonic again, so I'll tell you what. I'll still do the review for Sonic the Hedgehog on 360. It's not over yet. There is still one game left that may be the worst game yet. Until then, here's the list from bad to worse.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad
Sonic Unleashed
X-Blades
Pimp My Ride
Bomberman: Act Zero
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust
Vampire Rain

NOTE: That new Batman game is awesome. The review is coming soon.

Onechanbara (W) (STS)

Wow. I didn't think I would have to touch this game. Back when I did my STS segment, I left this out because I couldn't continue to play shitty games anymore. Now that I'm actively looking for shit, we come to it again. So, how is Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad? Well, besides having a name so long I couldn't fit it in the title, OneSantaBarbra isn't as bad as all the critics made it sound. Don't get me worng; it's still a steaming pile of shit that been left out in the sun all day to cook, but it's not the worst. Damn Larry, is there any game that can remove you from that spot?

....Boobs...again...

What's the story like? I have no freakin clue. I can't make sense of the story. I found out this is the third game in the series, so I guess you need to play the first two to get the back story. If that's the case, then why release this one to the states and not the others? Well, whatever. Let's just get to gameplay. Remember how to play Turtles in Time? It's just like that. You press X until you're bored, then press X until you're even more bored. You can get through most of the game by pressing nothing but X. The boss fights are a bit more complicated, but you get my point. Onechanbarberchair seems like the kind of game where you can really open up on a crowd with massive combos, but it doesn't. The enemies are piss easy. They don't go down easy (they're zombies by the way), but they don't necessarily attack you with great urgency either. So, you spend most of the game hacking through legions of the undead. Sounds like fun. Should be fun. Just not fun. Onechewbaca has one interesting feature. The women absorb the zombie blood into their skin. When they absorb enough, they transform into crazy bitches that are faster and deal more damage. In this mode though, it drains your health. Most people cry that it's the stupidest power-up ever, but I have to disagree on that because it's not a power-up. The one thing I did understand from the story is that their blood is curse, so when you transform, you're not technically powering up; you're cursed. It was (I'm guessing) designed to be something you wanted to avoid, and I can respect that thought process to a point.

This is why we don't free Willy

My biggest problem with the game isn't the combat. It's the fact that YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! Onechansformers fails at telling you what you need to know. I can't understand why there's no tutorial. Even the instruction manual doesn't tell you shit, except the button layout. I found out there's an inventory screen by accident. I was trying to hit the big button to bring up the dashboard, and I hit the back button instead. Isn't that something that should have been brought to my attention earlier. Good luck finding your way around because the game doesn't tell you where you need to go. It has a map, but it doesn't tell you where your next objective is unless you're in the same area. I hope you enjoy walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in cirlces because you will be walking around in circles because you will be walking around in circles because you will be....FUCK!

This game also has a dress-up mode, which panders to the perverts who make up the target demographic. So, if your favorite girl isn't slutty enough, you can change that. You have to unlock the clothes by playing through story mode first, though. It also has 2-player split screen which a lot of games don't have anymore. I decided to try in out with Neil. Neil, what do you think?

[Neil]: I fuckin hate this game.

Good point Neil.

[Neil]: The fuckin graphics look like my PS2, the fuckin camera is too damn close to the girl, AND WHY THE FUCK IS MY SWORD STUCK IN THIS GUYS TORSO!?

Oh yea, in Onecharboiled, your sword will collect blood on it. When the sword has too much blood on it, it can get stuck in someone. You have to remember to periodically clean your sword, or else...

[Neil]: GOD DAMN LOADING TIME! The graphics look like shit, and the background isn't even detailed much, so why the fuck DOES IT HAVE TO LOAD ALL THE DAMN TIME!? GTA4 doesn't load unless you do a mission. Gears of War barely loads at all. Those games look 3 times better than this, SO WHY DOES THIS ONE HAVE TO LOAD!? AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

See, Neil isn't used to playing shitty games, so he can't handle it like I can.

A vampire's buffet

Onechatroom probably should have stayed over in Japan because there's no love for it here. You can't even find this game used because nobody would buy it (except my dumbass). With that said, it's nowhere near the worst game for the Xbox360. I can't even really give it the red rings of death rating.

Rating: Ass (Sexy ass, but ass nonetheless)

So here's the order of which these games are awful from bad to worse:

Ocechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad
Sonic Unleashed
X-Blades
Pimp My Ride
Bomberman: Act Zero
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

We still have a few games to go, including one blue rodent who's making his second appearance on this list.

NOTE: The cowboy hat and bikini combo is so last year.

Pimp My Ride (W)

Hi, Kevin J. from wherever the fuck I wanna be, and THIS IS MY GAME!

So I boot the game up, and it ask me who's car I wanna pimp first. When I pick the car, I don't immediately go to the person house to pick up their car. Instead, I have to drive around and earn enough money. You earn money by hitting traffic and playing boring mini-games, and to my knowledge, there's only 2. You can also earn money by getting collectibles, but it's a waste of time. You're better off just hitting other cars, which you'll do a lot because the controls are so bad. these are the worst driving controls I've ever played for the Xbox 360. Once I earned the money, I go to the person's house, and I have a time limit on getting there, which is fuckin retarded. Once I pick up the car, the map shows all the shops I can visit to hook this car up. Again there's a time limit, so you have to get to as many spots as possible. There's also a rival pimping out the same car, and your car has to look better than his or her. When time is up, the person see's the cars, and picks which one he/she likes. If you lose, you start over. If you win, you repeat the process with someone else. That's the game. That's not even in a nutshell; that's the game! All of it!

So please 10 Rules of Gaming, PIMP MY GAME!

I'm 'bout to pimp his game. Let's go!

[knock kmock]
Is that my door?
[Xzibit]: Yo Kev man, I'm hhere to pimp your game.
[Kevin]: OOOOOH SHIT! YEA! YEA! YEA! X TO THE Z! OH SHIT!

[Xzibit]: So this the game huh?
[Kevin]: Yea. I got it for $10. I thought it was a deal.
[Xzibit]: I hate to tell you this, but I think you got dealt shit.
[Kevin]: Yea, it happens.
[Xzibit]: I'm trying to drive, but I can't stop swerving. God damn. What's up with this?
[Kevin]: The controls are bad, man. The fuckin thing won't drive straight.
[Xzibit]: Oh ok, I thought it was just me, like what the fuck am I doing wrong. So I see something on the corner of the screen. What's the money all about?
[Kevin]: That's the money you have to earn before you can pimp the car.
[Xzibit]: What the fuck? Why am I paying for it? The show is suppose to pay for it. Wow man; this some shit. How do I earn money?
[Kevin]: You're doing it right now. You get money when you hit traffic.
[Xzibit]: Oh, so that's what it is. I thought I owned them money. I guess driving all fcuked up has it advantages. You can be a millionaire if you play this drunk. Hahahahaha
[Kevin]: Wait till you get to pimp out the car.
[Xzibit]: Why; what happens?
[Kevin]: You have to get to all the garages under the time limit.
[Xzibit]: What? No West Coast Customs?
[Kevin]: No.
[Xzibit]: Gas?
[Kevin]: Nope.
[Xzibit]: ....ooooookay. Now, why do I have a time limit?
[Kevin]: You have to do a better job pimping the car than your rival.
[Xzibit]: RIVAL!?
[Kevin]: Yea.
[Xzibit]: Where the fuck did he get the same exact car? I thought the bitch only had one.
[Kevin]: I don't know, X
[Xzibit]: Well I've seen enough. If you had to rate this game, what would you give it?

Rating: Red Rings of Death

[Xzibit]: I couldn't agree more. Let's me get that disc. We bout to fix this pronto.

Let's leave our insurances out of this. Be cool

[Xzibit]: Ok Kev, when we got you game, it shouldof been called 'Strip My Ride' because it looked like someone stripped all the fun out of it, but the guys at 10 Rules did some work, and now you can be glad to have those achievement points attached to your gamerscore. Here it is: your brand new game!

OOOOOOOH SHIT! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! OH MAN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! YES! YES! THANK YOU X! WHOO! WOO WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bomberman: Act Zero (W)

Wow. I can't remember the last time I've played a Bomberman game. I think it was back when I had the big gray brick known as the gameboy. Either way, Bomberman was one of the classic games, and up to this point, was remembered as one of the fun multiplayer games of the 8-bit era. Right around the 360 launch day, Konami decided to bring back Captain Blow Shit Up for a round of...well, blowing shit up, and why not? Well, like Turtles in Time, some games just can't age well. It's amazing how much this game sucks, and it's no wonder why everyone is crying foul. This is probably better as an Xboxlive arcade game, but I got it for 5 bucks, and I still want my money back.

It's hot. Are you hot? I feel hot.

The first thing you'll notice is that the character is gone. That's right: that cute and cuddly pyromaniac is nowhere to be found. Instead, he's been replaced with what I can only assume is a future NFL player (the green glowing parts are clearly steroids). Rule #1 when bringing back a beloved franchise: DON'T fuck with the main character. As for the gameplay....well...it's Bomberman. What did you expect? You drop some bombs and hope somebody dies. Well, there is some strategy involved, but I never seemed to need it. There's really no change in gameplay whatsoever. If you don't know how Bomberman is played, wow (where have you been?). There are some changes. Besides the standard mode, there's a FPB mode, and I have no fuckin clue what FPB means. Anyway, the camera is closer to you, and instead of one-hit kills, you have a life bar. The camera makes it so fuck impossible to see shit, it's no wonder you have a life bar, but even then it's bullshit. Well, that's it for the changes....yea. Both modes have 99 stages that you can try to plow through, but there are no continues. Once you die, you go all the way back to the beginning. So if you bite it on level 98, tough shit. Cry me a river, bitch; you're going back to the beginning. I thought we left that shit behind when memory cards were invented. As for online mode, nobody's playing, so I can't even review it. There's no local multiplayer or system link option either, so I was forced to play this shit alone. This is grade A fuck.

Stop, drop, and roll won't save you here

Yea...that's it. That's the game. Imagine buying this when it first came out for 60 big ones. I heard some stores were accepting returns because it was so bad, though that may have been just a rumor. I wish I could send mine back. In fact, I want the time I spent playing back, dammit! This barely registers as a game. You can find the same exact shit online as a flash game (look it up). Avoid at all cost!

Rating: Red Rings of Death

Amazingly, this game is a step above Leisure Suit Larry, so it's not the worst game on the 360. Larry, it's not looking good for you. Here's the order from bad to worse.

Sonic Unleashed
X-Blades
Bomberman: Act Zero
Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

We got more games to look up so it's not over yet, though I wish it was.

NOTE: Xboxlive Arcade games don't count, so don't ask.

Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust (W)

With the release of Madden 10, the Batman demo which took all fuckin night to download, working on the other blog, and playing other games that'll eventually show up on this blog, you can understand why I couldn't finish this fucker, which is a royal piece of shit. Seriously, it's like they tried to make a piece of shit, and did a shitty job at it. I can't believe it; I really can't believe it, but I finally found a game worse than X-Blades. For some of you who are knowledgeable about the series, you might have noticed something missing in the title. The 'W' is there, but there should be something else. I'll get to that later.

.....Boobs...

Right off the bat, hell even in the batter's box, things go bad when I finally get a chance to move the character around. In the tutorial mission, you're shown how the platforming works, and as I try to get to my goal for maybe a half a fuckin hour, I threw my controller down and turned off my system off. The point I'm trying to make is that THE CONTROLS ARE FUCKIN HORRIBLE! Larry moves like he has a pipe bomb up his ass, and the pipe bomb has a grenade (without the pin) stuck up its ass, and any moment an explosion can cause one hell of an anal evacuation. Not only is his movement awkward and stiff, he's so damn slow, even when he's in full sprint. Now, how am I suppose to jump from platform to platform with bad controls like this? Of course, there are other means to get around. You get to grab vehicles to get around, but dammit they're even worse to control. To top it all off, there was a shooting portion of the game, and it could not be handled any worse. I had to turn it off (again), and put in Call of Duty to remind me what a good shooter is like. I threw my control down so many times in disgust, and right now, I would like to take the time out to apologize to my 360 controller (it's not your fault).

....Boobs...

Here's what you do in the game: go from point A to point B. That's pretty much it. There's some platforming or minigame throw in here and there, but that's mostly what you do. This...is not...fuckin...GAMEPLAY! If I wanted to do nothing but walk around all damn day, I would just play Second Life on my computer. At least in that shit I can have digital sex, although I'm pretty sure the women are actually men. I can hear some of the gears turning in the gamers head about that sex comment. Again, I'll get to that. Anyway, it seems like my sole purpose in this game is to guide Larry to the next cutscene. Although they're nowhere near as long, just the sheer amount of cutscenes can rival any game, even RPGs (maybe even Metal Gear Solid....just kidding). Jesus Christ, I've never been so bored walking in my life. I don't know what the developers were thinking. The funny thing is, the game is very self aware that it sucks, and Larry makes comments based on the suckiness. In one mission, he said "I better hurry up or this may start to feel repetitive." I may have fucked up the quote, but my point is that statement means that this game was designed to be repetitive, which leads me to believe that the developers purposely made a shitty game. I guess the joke's on me for playing it, right? If there's one good thing I can say about this game is that the gaphics look sharp. They're nowhere near the best we've seen for the 360, but it fits the setting. Of course, I'm not that into graphics like that, so it's like complimenting a dog turd on its formation. Who fuckin cares?

....Boobs...

So...what's missing? Well, if you know anything about the Leisure Suit Larry series, you know it's famous for its gratuitous sex. A Larry game should get the 'STS' stamp (meaning sex to sell), but this one doesn't. It has sexy women, plenty of innuendo, and even some raunchy scenes, but these seem to be treated as a formality rather than a selling point. It feels like any reference to sex is there simply because it's a Leisure Suit Larry game. Oh, and there's no nudity. Oh, I'm sure that's gonna piss a lot of Larry fans out there. Now, I can understand why they wouldn't want nudity in the game. Home consoles have a strong stance against strong sexually graphic material, and you really can't go too far. Look at what happened to San Andreas. That doesn't mean sex couldn't be in the game, at least I don't think. In 2005, I've played LSL: Magna Cum Laude for the Xbox, PS2, and PC (to see the differences), and the Xbox version had sex scenes in them (censored of course). So, why did they not do it here? I don't know. Now, I could care less if the girls are naked or not (although I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious); I just wanted it to be funny like the last game. Sadly, the comedy is gone too. Comedy is more important to the series than the sex, and if you don't have that, you don't have a LSL game. I'm not saying they ditched the jokes. They tried so hard to be funny, and that's the problem. If you have to try to be funny, then don't! It was like watching a comic crash and burn onstage. It was painful to watch, and even more painful to listen. In the last game, the gameplay was bad too, but the jokes were so funny that you suffered through it to hear some more. There were also tits, but that's besides the point. Without the jokes, there's no reason to plow through this game, which I didn't. I gave up midway through because I think I developed Super Cancer in the process.

I'm noticing a reoccurring theme here

Dude, I can't even give you a decent closing paragraph about this. It's bad; really bad. If you're a fan of the series, you now know what Sonic fans are going through (we feel your pain). That's out of the way, but the torture isn't over yet. We still got plenty of bad games to go through, including a Sonic game that has the nerve of being a downloadable on the Xboxlive marketplace (OH HELL NO!). Mark my words, we will find the worst Xbox 360 game. As for this game...

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: All the pics were from the PC version. I guess nobody wanted to get screenshots of the 360 because it means they would have to play it.

Sonic Unleashed Re-post (W)

To start off my agonizing search for the worst game of Xbox360, I look at a game I've already reviewed, and sadly, it's a Sonic game. Since my thoughts are the same now as they were then, I decided to re-post the review for the sake of retrospect (and laziness). The original plan was to do Leisure Suit Larry, but I thought it would be best to get the ball rolling with this game before I review Larry. It will be my next entry, assuming I finish it soon. For those wondering, I'll do the other Sonic game, too. Well, let's get to it. Sorry for the lack of pictures. Blogspot is being a dick.


Sigh* Being a Sonic fan, I'm really not looking forward to writing this one. After playing good game after good game I was bound to run into shit eventually; ironic since a 3rd of the game is about running. This was another friend request so I had to do it, but now I'm wondering why I take requests at all. Months ago I played the Wii version and was mildly entertained, so I figured I'd like something about this version. I did find something, but it's not worth all the bullshit you have to go through to get to the good bits, especially since instead of this crap I could be playing Street Fighter 4 (Seth is cheap as hell!) or GTA4: the lost and the Damned. Oh well, let's talk shittiness.

Normally this is where I relay the plot of the game, but this is a Sonic game. It start with Robotnick (I refuse to fuckin call him Eggman) doing something retarded and ends with SuperSonic saving the day. When the beginning and end are always the same, the plot in between becomes redundant. HEY SONIC TEAM! How about giving Robotnick a break and bring out something or someone new for a change? I won't even explain how he became a werehog because it's just not worth going into.

And don't get me started on the voice acting. Somebody tell sonic team there's a difference between family game and kiddy game. If you want to make a game for the whole family, you don't write dialog that's too kiddy even for seseame street! I swear to God I wanted to kill those fuckin rodents every time they opened their mouths. Tails is supposed to sound like a little boy, but sounds like a very small woman instead. Amy's still a bitch who provides absolutely nothing (which is why Sonic wants nothing to do with her....smart boy). Robotnick is the stereotypical bad guy with the cheezy evil laugh. Chip...well he....ummm....well let me put it this way. Everything about him makes me want to crack the game in half and slit my own throat with the broken pieces. The only tolerable acting is Sonic, and he's not that good to begin with. OH, and you can't skip the cutscenes.

Now, remember when I said running is 1/3 of the game? For those of you who are paying attention, you probably realized that something is wrong since Sonic is known for FUCKIN RUNNING (RIGHT SONIC TEAM?)! Well when you do run, it's the most fun you'll every have with any 3D Sonic game. The controls and camera finally fit a Sonic game, and track design are awesome. My only gripe is that it's almost impossible to complete a stage on the first run. Sonic runs so fast that you won't know you were supposed to move or jump until you fail and die. Which brings up a point: Why do they still have lives? Lives are obselete.

To get to the running though, you have to go through the other 2/3 of shit the developers shoveled in for some reason. First let's start with the hub world. Its soooooo fucking useless, but they make you go through it. I can't even describe all the stuff you have to do, but know this: In order to move on to the next stage, you have to have a certain number of coins to open the door. If you don't, that means backtracking through previously beaten levels. What a lame way to lengthen gameplay (yes, I said lame). Then there are the nighttime werehog levels. Initially you think "well this aint too bad" but then it feels so boring after 2 levels. The level design sucks and the combat (while fun to see what combos Sonic has) is extremely easy. There's no attack patterns to learn, no real change in enemies, or any real reason why not to press the Y button over and over to quickly end the fight. In the end, it's a pointless gimmick there to appeal to........you know what, I have no idea who this appeals to.

So how can I absolutely hate the Xbox360 version but find the Wii version mildly entertaining? Well let's start with the hub world. In the 360 version, you're forced to do stuff and collect coins; on the Wii there is no real hub world and the doors open almost automatically. Basically 1/3 of the game is cut out of the Wii version. Also the nighttime levels are cut into 5 minute stages and have less enemies to fight. On the 360, levels can take up to 30 minutes, you can't save in the level, and you have to look for coins throughout to open doors later. Lastly, the Wii version doesn't take forever to beat. Yea the daytime levels aren't as fast as the 360, but at least they're feasible to beat on the first try (except Eggmanland....Son of a Bitch!).

I'm not suggesting you get either version of this game, but if you're a big Sonic fan, then go for the Wii version if you own one. For the XBOX heads out there, stay away! If someone puts this game in your Xbox360, call the police because you just got raped (or something similar to that).
I'm not ready to end the Sonic franchise; maybe it just needs a new developer because Sonic Team obviously can only create shit.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

We know it's terrible, but is it the worst? No. Like I said, the running stages are very fun, and if it was just that shit, we wouldn't be having this discussion. In fact, I think I would still play this over X-Blades, but maybe that's just my fandom talking. Can there be something worse? I think our next game can be. Leisure Suit Larry, I'm hoping you disappoint.

NOTE: Isn't it funny how the better version was co-develop by Dimps, and Sonic Team fully developed the shitty version? Kinda supports my new developer theory, don't it? Isn't it also funny that I'm entirely too lazy to do another post?

Dead or Alive Extreme 2 (STS) (W)

What if I told you this game aint half bad? What if I said the mini-games are actually fun to play? What if I said this game is a great game for women to play? Well, it's not. Oh, it was fun for an hour, but after a while I was done.there's not that many mini-games, and most of them aint that good to begin with.

They're sisters. Don't get any ideas.

So, Zack from the fighting series owns his own island. Apparently he owned 2 islands because it's called NEW Zack Island. The next game should be in a city with a beach; that way you can call it New Zack City.........I'm sorry. Anyway, Z does the smart thing and invite a bunch of chicks to the island to play some games in bikinis that range from standard to camel toe causing extremely inappropiate, and really that's the point of the game: girls and bikinis. The mini-games are just something for them to do while their tits jiggle.

Here are the games you play: volleyball, jet ski race, beach flag race (2 girls lay in the sand facing opposite the flag. Once the race starts Both girls will get up, turn around, and race to the flag), water slide (steer your ass, and try not to fall off), butt battle (2 girls try to knock each other off a platform using only their butts), pool-hopping (jump from platform to platform floating in a pool), tug of war, and some other shit I can't remember right now. Volleyball wouldof been fun if I can fuckin win, and jet ski racing kinda reminds me of Wave Rae on 64, except less fun. Other than that, the mini - games are shit. The only thing I like in this game is the casino. Roullette, poker, blackjack, and slots that actually pay are fun, but I can get these games somewhere else....for free....online on my PC.

And that's it. That's the game. Ogle the girls and play mini - games....boooooooooo. Like I said, it's fun in the beginning, but it wont hold your attention long enough to unlock the pole-dancing scenes. Oh, did I forget to mention there's pole-dancing.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: Do you know how embarrassing it is asking for this game at stores? This game is in the Hall of Shame simply because it's not a real game. Why don't they just make a porno? You know they want to.

X-Blades (STS) (W)

Hooray. Another action chick wearing next to nothing for the purpose of wearing next to nothing. I know this will sound weird coming from a guy, but how about a female protagonist that dresses sensibly. While other games like to focus on unfeasible boobage, this game decides to enter through the back door. Yes, it is all about the ass as our starlet walks around in buttfloss so thin it's not enough to deem worthy to wear on a nude beach. I actually wouldn't be surprised is that wasn't a thong at all, but instead a really pale tan line from leaving that area unexposed to any form of light. I was pretty confident by looking at the box art that half way through the game I would have to solve a puzzle by doing a pole dance or suck off a statue, but the point I'm trying to make is how am I gonna respect the girl if she looks like she should be dancing on my lap for tips? Just because you wear less clothing than Lara Croft doesn't mean you're better, but it's time to stop ragging on her getup and concentrate on the 'game' aspect of the game...which is downright horrible (I cried twice).

Please Jump

The story starts off with the bitch Ayumi touching something she had no business touching in the first place. After killing everything in the room that spanwed, a map appeared showing her the location of an artifact that again she has no business touching, and she accidentally released a darkness in the world and inside herself. Afterwards, the story kinda disappears. You won't know, nor will you care why you're doing any of this. Shit, even Ayumi doesn't remember why.

This game looks like shit; plain and simple. Apparently Southpeak can't do cell shading, but they decided to try anyway. The characters look crappy which is funny because if you're trying to sell a game based on the sexiness of the heroin (or in this case, the dumb bitch who can't keep her hands off shit) then you should at least make sure the graphics on her are tight...I mean solid. When they're a large number of enemies onscreen, the action lags sooo badly, and they're always a large number of enemies onscreen.

MINIONS! ATTACK THE G-STRING!

How would I best describe the gameplay? Honestly, I don't know. Clearly, this game is rpping off some established series; I just can't decide which. The knee-jerk response would be God of War because, well let's face it; almost every action adventure game tries to be God of War. Despite that, I can't help but to think I'm playing a very shitty version of Devil May Cry. Maybe it's because her swords are also pistols, and Devil May Cry is known for it's sword/gun play. That's right: her swords are also pistols. That should have been fuckin awesome. Like Devil May Cry there's only one attack button, but unlike DMC there's no skill involve. It's just the same fuckin combo the whole game. You have guns, but the game is real picky as to who needs to be shot at. There's a lock-on, but like all games with camera issues, it's more of a hinderance than help. Speaking of camera issues, the camera seems to always position itself right around the ass to get a real nice look at her really pale tan line they called a g-string. And then there are the enemies. The enemy design sucks. Seriously, you will not feel threaten by any of the enemies apearances at all. That may be for the best because you are always fighting a million billion of them. That sounds cool at first, but when you realize there's no block button, suddenly large numbers are a real pain in the ass, especially since some attacks stun you, and when you're surrounded by 2 legged dogs trying to bite your arms off, I guarantee that you will throw your controller in disgust. Boss Battles are worse. Not only are you fighting a boss who health takes forever to wither down and likes to use cheap attacks, but normal enemies spawn in your way. So now you're surrounded by enemies while a big guy is chucking fireballs at you. Fun. You have spell and now that I think about it... THAT's your offense. Really, all the hacky slashy is good for is building up your rage meter to do a special. Do your spell, kill the monsters, wait for new ones to show up. That's X-Blades gameplay in a nutshell.

The ghosts of her past boyfriends

To the folks at Southpeak Games, YOU SUCK! If you played any of their games before, you know they are only good at making shit. This is porbably the best they'll ever do, and really, who would want to fund another one of their projects? Anyway, Ayumi is best described as the girl who wants to fit in with the rest. Every day, she pasts by the cafe and watches as Lara Croft, Kratos, and Dante drink coffee and talk about their successful careers wishing one day they will allow her to sit at the big kids table. X-Blades: proof that America should not do anime.

[Update]: If you're wondering why I have both covers up, it's because this game is also part of my worst Xbox360 game segment.

Note: If I had to rank this game, it would be number 1 on my Hall of Shame. Second is Sonic Unleashed. Also, alot of people told me they like my shorter reviews better than the long ones, so I guess I can keep them about as long as this review is. Less work for me. Now put on some pants young lady.