JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (Retro)

Heard of this game? Of course you didn't. How could you?  It was one of those games that only hardcore fight and/or anime fans knew about, unless you were one of the few who went out on a limb and actually bought it just to see what it would be like. Now I say anime, but this game is actually based on the manga, which has some key differences. I guess that really doesn't matter since none of that came overseas. The game was released in America in 1999 for Playstation and Dreamcast. The anime didn't show up until 2003 and the manga 2005. So what was the purpose of bringing it over here? Well, the only reason I can think of is that back then Capcom was shooting fighting games out the ass every 5 minutes. It got so crazy, Capcom even created a points club for gamers called the Capcom Edge. Every time you bought a Capcom game, you earned points that could be used for gear like t-shirts and duffel bags and shit like that. So Capcom may have figured that people would buy it simply because of the points and the fact it was a fighting game. Now I don't know if that's true, but it's the only semi-logical reason I can think of. I've only just finished watching the anime and the third arch of the manga, so I decided to pick this up just for shits and giggles. As soon as I popped it in, one thing became quickly apparent....this game is old.

In the Dreamcast version, this is a port of 2 Japanese arcade games: JoJo's Venture and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, with both games in the disc. JoJo's Venture is the orginal game, and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is the updated version, kinda like Street Fighter 4 and Super Street Fighter 4. Now why on Earth would you need to put the same game twice on one disc? I'm obviously just gonna play Bizarre Adventure since it has more shit. The arcade game was made in 1997, and it shows in the DC version. The made no effect to up the visuals in this game, and the audio sounds so dated. Even the N64 is capable of better sound. That's acceptable for the PS1 version, but not the Dreamcast. There are only 2 modes: story mode and challenge mode which is basically a survival mode. There's also two player, but that's a gimmie for fighting games. The story is just absolute shit. I don't mean the story in general; that's awesome. I mean the way the game handles it. This game doesn't explain shit to you. So many important pieces are missing and plot twist happen for no reason. If you didn't read the manga or watch the anime, which NOBODY FUCKING COULD DO in 1999, you were at a loss most of the time. Why in the ass would you not change it so that the story would be understandable knowing full well nobody has seen any JoJo related media? With shitty sound, aged visual, incomprehensible story, and lacking in feature, it's no wonder why nobody owned this game. Despite that, all is forgiven when you actually play it and realize a very important fact...

It's a 2D fighter....made by Capcom....

You should definitely check out the anime and the manga if you get a chance. As for the game, the fighting is good...well...actually it's fuckin awesome, but everything else doesn't make it worth it unless you find it cheap. If you actually own a copy, do NOT get rid of it. That game might be worth some money.

Mortal Kombat 2 (Retro)

A long time ago, my mom gave me a choice between a Super Nintendo and a Sega Genesis, and I picked the Genesis. After playing MK2 at my cousin's house for SNES, I had to get it for the Genesis. While it was still the hotness, you don't know how important buttons are until you realize you're missing a few. Having less buttons than any other version of the game (not counting handheld systems), the Genesis turned a already hard game into a bitch.

With only 3 buttons, you don't get many moves, especially when you can't figure out how to low punch. Most of my matches broke down into me just using the roundhouse kick or uppercut (TOASTY!). One of my biggest problems was the absence of a block button. I tried holding back like in Street Fighter, but that didn't work. So I got my ass handed to me over and over again. Once I figured out how to actually beat people, I realized I didn't know any fatalities, so I press pause and went to call my cousin to see if he can find some for me. There was no internet back then (damn I feel old) so he had to check his game magazines for them. After I wrote them down, I went back to my game to find out my guy died a long time ago and I'm back at the main menu. After a hissy fit that involved breaking several items, I started over again to see what went wrong, and that's when it hit me.

The start button is block!? THE START BUTTON IS BLOCK!!??

So how to I pause the game? The game laugh at me and said "Pause? Bitch, this is Mortal Kombat; you don't get no pause. Fight to the end pussy." Well the good news was I finally had a block button so fighting was easier. The bad news was I had to use the bathroom. That's the thing about the old MK games. It was one of those game series where you needed friends to play single player. Whenever somebody loss, he passed it to the next person in a vain attempt to get farther up the ladder only to get beat by someone with 4 arms. Good times.

Turok: Dinosaur Hunter (RETRO)

When you think of shooters for the N64, what do you think of? Goldeneye? Yes, yes of course. Perfect Dark? Absolutely. How about Turok? Fuck Yea! I mean sure, Goldeneye is iconic and is probably responsible for shooters being on consoles, and Perfect Dark was so awesome your N64 needed an expansion pack to play it, but you play as agents and only shoot measly little humans (and maybe a few aliens in PD). In Turok, you're a bow and arrow wielding Native American shooting poachers, aliens, and dinosaurs. Oh, I sorry. Did I say dinosaurs? What I meant to say was CYBORG DINOSAURS.......WITH GUNS!!! Fuck Yea! Not good enough? How about alien guns that eviscerate your enemies, including mini-nukes? Still not convinced? How about a boss fight with a robot T-Rex? Yea, I thought so. You know the only thing better than Turok? Umm...okay yea..Goldeneye and Perfect Dark...b-but that's not where I'm going with this. Turok 2! More of everything, and probably the most kick-ass gun ever: the cerebral bore. This gun shoots machines that drills into the cranium of your enemies and squeezes the brains out. After Turok 2, the series went downhill, but we will always the first 2 games and all of it cyborg dinosaur awesomeness.

Street Fighter 3: 3rd Strike (RETRO)

Everybody knows Street Fighter, but bring up the words "third strike' and it will over ring a bell to a select few. 3rd Strike is the third and final game in the Street Fighter 3 series, and is hailed by many fight fans as the greatest SF game ever made. Yes, even better than SF4 or Super SF4. I myself disagree because I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the greatest SF game ever is......Mortal Kombat Trilogy. Stupidly wrong game series aside, I would like to thank 3rd Strike for making me look for another Dreamcast controller after breaking mine old one out of frustration. In other words, this bitch is hard. Even on the lowest difficulty setting, I got my ass handed to me repeatedly. This game demands that only the best play. Now, I'm not great (or...good), but I'm no newbie either, so with a game kicking my ass on the easiest level, needless to say my ego took a hit. But you know what, maybe if they didn't replace almost the entire roster, I would have stood a better chance. Only Ken, Ryu, Chun-li, and Akuma made the cut. The rest were all new fighters. Besides being on 2 consoles that nobody cared about (Xbox didn't really gain popularity till 2003), the fact that nobody knew who the fighters were prevented 3rd Strike from selling among the casual fight fan. When it came out, I don't remember anybody really talking about it. It just didn't seem like Street Fighter anymore. Real fans weren't swayed though. They knew they had a badass game in their hands and they spent hours practicing with new people because they enjoyed the challenge of learning how to play all over again. Today, Street Fighter 4 brought 2D fighters back from the grave almost, and casual fight fans are loving every moment of it. Hardcore fans however, despite loving SF4, will always pop in 3rd Strike repeatedly kick each other asses or get their asses handed to them by Gill. Yea...Gill.....meh; it's better than Seth. Street Fighter 3: 3rd Strike: we salute you.


NOTE: Hell, I don't know if anything I said was true, but it sounded awesome right?

Retro Review - Sonic Shuffle

Back in the days of the ol' Xbox360 blog, I claimed that Sonic Shuffle was the 4th worst game in Sonic history, and I made that claim without actually playing it and only looking at gameplay footage. Well, somebody called me out on that saying I can't make that kind of judgment without playing it first, and you know what? I took that to heart. With the power of the internet, I was able a copy (brand new) of Sonic Shuffle, and it turns out I snapped to judgment too soon. I've learned now that you can't really judge a game until you pick up the controller and play it. It was very unprofessional of me, and I was wrong. Sonic Shuffle is not number 4 on the worst Sonic games list; it's number fuckin 2! It catapults itself ahead of Sonic for 360 and Sonic the Fighters easily.

How do you fuck up a rip-off of Mario Party? Well, Let's see. First, tack on a very awful storyline about the world of dreams or some shit. Then, add a dash of shitty mini-games. Once all that comes to a boil, remove it and place it on a game board that is un-fuckin-necessarily huge with numerous goals that'll make playtime through one board take more than an hour. That last part KINDA makes sense since this is suppose to be a mutliplayer game, but seriously, when do story mode, what friends of yours are going to join you? And why is there a story? Since when does a board game need a fuckin story? Imagine playing Trouble and the board  game starts talking about war prisoners trying to escape and get home, only to be caught repeating by waring factions, and your job is to get them home before the other prisoners do. Kinda ruins the fuckin moment doesn't it? I believe that's the time you chuck that son of a bitch into the fireplace. Of course, there are the mini-games. Isn't that what made Mario Party fun? Isn't that the fuckin point? Yea, and Sonic Shuffle fucked them up. Never have I played such boring mini-games before. We are talking Wii Play boring here people. We're talking Fusion Fenzy 2 boring. We're talking every single game in my Worst Xbox360 Games list boring. There is no fun whatsoever in this game at all. They is no redeeming qualities, not even the graphics. Look at Jet Grind Radio, then look at Sonic Shuffle. They is no reason SS should look like that when JGR (a much more demanding game on memory) looks that good. I know it's hard to judge graphics after being spoiled by today HD awesomeness, but when you look like shit compared to a game that was not only released first, but made within the same fuckin company.....I'm overreacting. The graphics on the characters are fine, but everything else look bla.

I couldn't even finish the first stage. Actually, I did finish, but I didn't win. I never win. I don't understand how they decide the overall winner, but I know I'm never it. And this is when I have enough strength to actually sit through the first stage. I least I was able to finish Sonic for 360 and Sonic the Fighters. Hell, I even finished Sonic R if you believe that. I even got past the first stage in Sonic Spinball, and that's something most people can't do. I just can't stand Sonic Shuffle; I just can't. I would rather put my own balls in my mouth during a summer day in Arizona.

NOTE: A sweaty speedbag is never a good thing.