Brutal Legend

Okay, I don't really know much about Metal. In fact, all I know is what I heard on Rock Band and episodes of Metalocalypse (on adult swim), so I was wondering if Brutal Legend would be something I can get into, especially since the game is so metal up the ass I expect the disc to jump out of my xbox, grab Guitar Hero, and just rip Dragonforce on expert...and 5 star it. Luckily, you don't have to know much about metal, but if you don't know the difference between emo and glam rock, then chances are you're gonna miss some of the references. Remember: one style of rock is filled with a bunch of pussies who's gender and sexuality are constantly in question as they parade around stage, and the other is glam rock......I wonder how many people are going to get that joke. Speaking of jokes, every caption under the pictures in this review will feature a line from the video game (which may or may not be accurate). Observe.

AH HA! I knew it! Big ugly demon!

The game stars Jack Black who plays Jack Black who reprises the role of Jack Black as Eddie Riggs who for the sake of this review, we'll call Jack Black, and it just occurred to me that I kinda ripped off Yahtzee from the escapist. Jack Black is the world's best roadie who's working for the world's worst band, and if you played the demo, you know EXACTLY what I mean. You may also know that an accident causes blood to fall on Jack Black's badass belt buckle and summons the God of Rock to come forth and transport him into a new world that looks like the shoebox of a metal fan filled with album covers. The humans in this world are all slaves to the evil dude you see above, and it's up to Jack Black to save everyone by killing everyone else. Metal. The cool thing about the world is that EVERYTHING is metal related. There's even an animal who's skeleton can be used as a gun. Awesome (too bad you can't use it). It's a cool world to look at and explore....for maybe the first hour. Then you realize that unless you're doing side-quests, the open world is fuckin pointless. Actually, no, it's not pointless, just tedious. In order to find news moves or upgrades, you have to drive around to find them, and that gets real boring real fast.

I do this for the fans

The gameplay is simple enough. A is your melee attack, X is your magic attack, B is your block, and Y is the action button. Wait......where the fuck is the jump button? Oh you got to be shitting me. How can he not jump? Sigh* Okay, so he can't jump, but he can fight and that's what important. After you adjust to not having a fuckin jump button (minus one point, guys), the game is your typical hack and slash. You run to an area, you clear house, you rock on. Simple. After a while, you can recruit people to fight along side you for missions, which is cool because going it alone can lead to having your balls ripped out and fed to......

or one of the many many many things that want you dead. Afterward, you can assemble an army to go against other armies to....see....if......what the fuck? Real time strategy? I thought this was an adventure game. Seriously, you build a stage which is your main base, you set up merchandise stands for supplies which are actually fans, you spawn troops from the stage depending on your fans, and...oh, I guess that's it. It's really light on the whole RTS thing. If Halo Wars is an RTS for beginners, then Brutal Legend is for fuckin babies. All you do is amass a large force and point at anything you didn't create. There's really nothing to it, and it's simple enough so that you don't fuck up real bad, but this isn't what I came for. I wanted to kill legions of emos to the sounds of Motorhead, not this shit. The one thing I do like is that when your army is getting it's ass kicked, you can go down there and handle it yourself; an RTS first, although I'm still not sure if this really is an RTS. If this paragraph is confusing you, now you know how I feel. It's so hard to explain. Ah, fuck it. The story is funny, and that along with the fighting is what is important. Too bad you spend most of the time in the RTS.

ASS - KICKERS UNITE!

Honestly, I don't know what to make of Brutal Legend. It's not bad enough to be Meh, but it's not good enough to be Sweet. Having Jack Black in it was good, but the RTS sections weren't that great. The combat is good, but there's no fuckin jump button. The story is funny, but it gets more serious towards the end. The world looks very imaginative, but there's really nothing fun to do in it. Hmmmm......

Rating: Meh with a dash of Sweet

Yea, that sounds about right.

NOTE: Don't let the picture on top of the site fool you. I'm not doing a Borderlands review. I don't have that kind of time to play it. Yes, I purposely left the pic with the metal spider without a caption. No, I will not response to that guy's comment about Madden vs 2K5. Yes, I really am doing an Uncharted 2 review for no apparent reason. No, the Sonic blog is not over and done with just yet. Yes, I am getting DJ Hero. No, I'm not sure if I'll review it. Yes, I am single ladies. No, you don't have to fight over me.

Halo Wars

Just last week, I got 2 interesting e-mails. The first one, whose address I forgot because I was quick to delete it afterward, said that my opening paragraphs lately have made less and less sense and usually have nothing to do with the game. Well, that is not true sir....or ma'am. I make sure all my opening paragraphs are informative, relevant, and entertaining. After all, I am a well respected game reviewer. Okay, maybe not well respected; more like acknowledged game reviewer. Okay, maybe not acknowledged. I'm more like that guy who plays a lot of video games, and therefore feels that his opinions are valid. If only the world would recognize my genius. Hey, that's not a bad idea for a video game. Recognize My Genius: The World Will Learn (patent pending: June 2009). The objective is to become world renown by any means necessary. Do you become Earth's greatest hero and save kittens from an evil plot to destroy the world's supply of tapioca, or do you try to take it over by assembling an army of judo robots to take out all of the defense systems in order to do a music video with Soulja Boy? Do you cure butt cancer, or do you star in a film with Will Smith, Matt Damon (in Metal Bourne form) and Spider-Man? The choice is yours, but whatever you do, remember to include Stone Cold Steve Austin. Everything becomes instantly awesome when you add Stone Cold. I would not recommend him for your child's birthday party though. I'm not saying it wouldn't be awesome; I'm saying it would be the wrong kind of awesome for that situation. You don't need him chugging beers in front of your kids. That's what your uncle's for. Oh, uncle Willie; what would we do without your drunken rants. One time, he gave us the 2006 State of the Union address while wearing a helmet; it was awesome. It sounded a lot more comforting coming from him than former President Bush. In fact, I think his whole presidency would have benefited with his whole cabinet wearing helmets. Wait...helmets...helmets..why does that make think of dudes in armor? Well, I guess it makes to have a helmet and armor, but still...AH CRAP....HALO WARS. Sorry. Okay so...hoold on...let me scroll up to see what I was talking about. Let's see...uuhh Stone Cold..yes...Recognize My...oh yea...the e-mails. The second e-mail was from a young lady (who I will assume is cute) who said I don't review enough different types of games. When you think about it, she has a point. Most of my reviews have been actions games. In my defense, mostly action games have been released since I started this blog. Either way, it's time to explore new territory, and what better way to start than a game you guys have may me very VERY aware of: Halo Wars.

I HATE THOSE FREAKIN SCARABS

In this game, we join Master Chief as heee.....oooh...right. He not in this. The story takes place 20 years ago before the Chief went terminator on a entire planet shaped like a ring. The humans are fighting the covenant for...well that was never explained...in hopes to...umm...win the war I guess. We follow the warship Spirit of Fire and its crew as they...do...random things to...win...stuff. Yea, I have no freakin clue. This whole story has absolutely no bearing to the Halo universe whatever, and it answered no question left behind in the FPS games. My friend says that it only leaves more questions. What questions? This game never explores any avenues except what's directly in front of it. Maybe Ensemble Studios didn't want to tend in Bungie's story, but they could have at least made it somewhat interesting.

...better them than me

I don't play a lot of RTS games. In fact, I rarely played any game in the genre. Despite my lack of exposure (which in turn nullifies any opinions I have), I do know that when it comes to controls, the keyboard and mouse are the way to go. The guys at Ensemble did a good job with the controls, but the controller doesn't have the accuracy of a mouse. You can't click and drag a box over the specific group you want. You can select one unit, one type of unit, a group of units within a certain radius, all unit onscreen, or every available unit. Although that seems like a lot to someone unfamiliar with RTS games, veterans know that that's actually pretty limiting. Still, I can't see anybody doing any better, so let's roll with it

My favorite aspect about Halo Wars is that it doesn't complicate things. In fact, this may be one of the simpliest RTS you'll ever play. If anything it's a good way to get introduced to the genre. When you first start playing, everything is explained to you in great detail, and I don't just mean in terms of controls. After a quick tutorial, I was ready to kick some covenant ass on whatever the hell planet they stuck me on. I knew what to do, how to do it, and how long it will take. The funny thing is the covenant still figured out how to kick my ass.

WTF is going on down there?

Like I said eariler, I'm not really experience in the realm of RTS, so my strategy boiled down to building up my army and telling them all to "shoot that guy". When that didn't work, I build my army to defend my base, which pretty much always ended in a slatemate because my enemy couldn't build a large enough amry. Unlike most RTSs (I'm assuming), Halo Wars has a limit as to how many units you can have. I guess if you have time to amass a giantic army, the game would turn into one giant clusterfuck, so it was probably for the best. Having a limit also made me think harder as to what type of units I wanted because some units are better against others in what I like to call the Rock - Paper - Scissors effect (ground beats air, air beats vehicles, vehicles beat ground). If your enemy is particularly fond of one type of unit, it's your job to act accordingly. If you have half a brain, you will actually make it far in Halo Wars (as long as you're not playing on legendary). My only complaint is the missions with time limits. Fuck you and anybody else who thinks that's a good idea.

Because I'm not really knowledgeable, there's not much I can say about it, but I had fun with Halo Wars. It was a good way to test my brain and was a nice break from the weeks of action games I've been playing. If you're interested in the genre, this is a great place to start. Keep in mind that this is the only...ONLY good RTS on the Xbox360, so play all other RTS games on PC. If you're not interested, this game won't change your mind one bit.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: My next game will be the flight sim Hawx, which is another genre I have yet to touch on. After that, it's right back to action with Red Faction and Prototype. No, I am not reviewing Fuel, so don't ask. Cry me a river, Bitch.