Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands

I'm a fan of the Prince of Persia series starting with the Sands of Time. I always said gaming needs more puzzle platformers, and this is as good as it gets. There was a little hiccup with Warrior Within (it sucked), but the ship was righted with The Two Thrones and the book was closed on an epic storyline. 2008 introduced us to a new prince...who for some reason was not a prince (at least not yet; not until he knocks up Elika) and is played by Nolan North, the guy who does the voice of pretty much every single mother fucker in games lately. Jesus, if he keeps this up, he'll put Steve Blum and Cree Summers out of business and that's no easy accomplishment.....and it just occurred to me that you have no idea who I'm talking about. Despite the overused voice and a wardrobe that looks like a runaway ninja crashed into a Skittles factory, 2008's POP was a good game all around and a good launch pad for the next trilogy. I was getting syked about what they would for a sequel, then I finally got to see that the new POP...has nothing...to do....with this contingency.....wait what?

To make as much money as they can off the new movie coming soon, Ubisoft released a game in the Sand of Time storyline, effectively confusing everybody including me who thought they were fuckin done with that storyline and moved on. There's gonna be some trouble when both games are shelved side by side at Gamestop. You play as the Prince, not to be confused with the Prince who is not yet the Prince but probably will be Prince if he hooks up with...ah fuck that shit; let's just give them names. In the Forgotten Sands, you play as the Sands of Time Prince (who we'll call Sandy). Despite popular belief, this is not based on the movie, nor is this a sequel of the 2008 game starring Reject Ninja. The events takes place after the Sands of Time and before Warrior Within where Sandy visits his brother who despite actually having a name we'll call him Spongebob to keep with the theme here. Spongebob's kingdom is under attack and is about to go down like almost every Xbox 360 before 2009, and in order to save it he's releases the legendary Solomon's Army to aid in this fight. Sadly, evil sand pours from the vault...AGAIN...and creatures I'll called Beach Shoes emerge to destroy everything in their path. Now it's up to Sandy to do what he always does and hop, skip, jump, and repeatedly die his way to victory with some help from the woman who helped seal the Beach Shoes centuries ago: Water Hoes. It's a fine story but doesn't add anything to the overall story-arch. Hell, I don't know if it's really relevant at all. In my opinion, you can put Stone Cold Steve Austin in the game and it wouldn't make a difference, and in hindsight that might be for the best. We don't need a side project to fuck up to story here. Ask Metal Gear Solid fans.


As I describe the gameplay, stop me if this sounds familiar. You will run, jump, climb walls, climb poles, jump from pole to pole, wall jump, wall jump repeatedly between 2 walls, run on walls, run up walls, hang from poles, swing from poles, balance on beams, jump from beam to beam, dodge traps, solve puzzles, and inevitably fail a lot at trying to do all of the above. It's a tried and true formula that never gets old despite how many times I do it. It's one of those games where you say to yourself "Okay, I'll stop at the next checkpoint", and you're still playing 7 checkpoints later. Instead of sand, all your powers are given to you by Water Hoes to do what you need to to get from point A to point B. You can also upgrade Sandy like every other action game, making his health and attacks unfairly awesome, which leads to the biggest and probably only worth-noting change: combat. Instead of the stiff combat of Sandy's past games or Reject Ninja's stupid ass one on one move as slowly as possible duels, combat in this game is a little more fluid and a hellava lot more fun once you upgrade yourself to badass proportions. Not only that, but as much as 50 Beach Shoes can be on-screen at once. If you can win that fight without getting hit:
1) send a video of it, and
2) let's see you do that shit on Batman
If there's one thing that Reject Ninja has on Sandy, it's that he has a partner who won't let him die, unlike Sandy who is only as alive as how often you're allowed to do a rewind. Now I know everyone made a big deal about not being able to die in Reject's game, but after playing Sandy's game, I can confidently say that you guys can shut the fuck up about it. In the Forgotten Sands, it's filled with so many save points. It seems like every time I go into another room, the game autosaves. It's funny how everyone likes how you can die in this game, but the effect is still the same. Am I the only one noticing this shit? Yea, in Forgotten Sands, you go back a little further, but a lot of times I don't even use my rewind because I know I'll spawn close by. How is that much different from Reject Ninja getting saved by Floaty Bitch? At the end of the day, Reject Ninja made you feel like you got bailed out, whereas Sandy makes you feel like you can't fail, but it's the same shit.


Rating: Sweet


NOTE: What was that? A closing paragraph? Bitch, I got 2 posts to do today. I don't have time for a closing paragraph.

Heavy Rain

Meh. Nothing else seems to be happening, and I got some time till I finish with Bad Company 2 and God of War 3 (which was donated by a fan...omg I have a fan; thank you Thomas!) so why not? Oh yea, because I'm a game critic, and this aint a game. Don't give me some philosophical bullshit about how this changes the nature of video games or some shit like that because it don't. You can get the same effect with an interactive DVD except I guarant-damn-tee you it won't be 8-10 hours long. Is it interesting? Yes. Is it engaging? Yes. Will you see it to the end? Probably Yes. Would I recommend it for purchase? You know what, Yes. So it's a game? Heeeeeeeell the fuck no.

In this story, you "play" through the perspectives of 4 people who, each for their own reasons, are looking for the Origami Killer, a guy who kidnaps little boys and leaves their dead bodies somewhere in a wasteland days later with origami figures left in their hands. Nice. To be a successful serial killer, you always gotta leave a calling card of sorts, and make that card as unrelated to the crime as possible. If you like to behead your victims, leave beanie babies. If you like to torture them to death, leave copies of Sonic Unleashed. If you're into choking, place a Mets jersey over them. Okay, now it's starting to get a little relate-able, but the point is be random with it. That way, you gain notoriety and yet no one will know what the fuckin point of it is. The story starts off incredibly slow...turtle slow...fuckin paint dryingly slow, but stick with it then something remotely interesting will happen. After that, THEN the story shows excellent pacing. Each character you play as is somewhat interesting, but only one of them sparks any emotional interest, and that's the dad trying to get his son back. Everyone else I can take or leave (or in this case...kill off). The story is heavily dependent on the decisions you make and will change accordingly. In other words, there's no game over. The story moves on no matter what you do. That's cool and all, but there's one fatal flaw in the design: the killer is always the same person. Murder mysteries aren't fun if you know the killer already, so it kinda kills the replay value, especially since you can just watch the alternate endings on youtube. There's also one big glaring plot hole, but people normally disregard it anyway.

Someone asked me how do you play it? Simply, you push buttons. That's it; you push buttons. The whole game is quick time events, and if you know me by now you know I HATE quick time events. Luckily, you don't get dinged too bad for missing one or two in this game. I will admit that the moments are intense and since it's a core part of the gameplay it doesn't feel like a burden. Still, pressing buttons when prompted to isn't really that interactive. When you're at a ballgame and the announcer tells you to stand up and cheer, do you really feel like part of the game? I don't remember you striking out the batter so I guess not. It's more like a choice your own adventure book (I used to love the Goosebumps ones). There are times when you can walk around and talk and/or interact with shit, and these moments play like good old fashion adventure games, except it's boring as hell. All you're doing is touching random shit to try to make the story progress, and it's just tedious. Why the fuck am I'm juggling? What purpose does this serve? This ties into the slooooooow start I was talking about because shit like this unnecessarily eats up time, time I could be spending finding the killer.

I give the development team credit for trying something different (something games tend to NOT DO anymore), and once it finally got going, it was a kick-ass experience, but this is definitely not for everyone. A little bit more interactivity would have been nice, and for god sakes, let's try something else besides quick time events for a change.

Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Bricked!

NOTE: I tried to be a spoiler-free as possible, hence no videos.

Saboteur, Darksiders, and NFS Shift

Crazy 11 days people, just crazy. All my free time has been on video games, and it's reached the point that I go to sleep dreaming about the games I've played; I am not joking. Now that I got Mass Effect 2.....whole days gone. Laundry's not done, room not cleaned, friends and family not contacted. I may not even do a review on ME2 because I may accidentally reveal too much awesome and ruin it for you. Anyway, it's time to put all that experience online, and the best way to do that is not one, not two, but THREE reviews in one post! So let's kick this off with Darksiders.

In Darksiders, you play as one of the four horsemen, and at this point you should be able to guess which one. Famine and Pestilence are clearly pussies, so they're out of the picture, and while Death is an interesting choice, that would makes things too easy. All he would have to do is show up and everybody dies. He like the Superman of horsemen, and upon further thought I guess that makes Pestilence Aquaman. So obviously you play as Batman...I mean War. Apparently, War accidentally started the apocalypse and released the demons and angel unto Earth for the final round of Friday night fights. Stripped of his powers by whoever the fuck is in charge, War is sent back to either correct the mistake he made or die trying. Or course, being the almighty and powerful fuck up that you are, they don't entirely trust you, so they sent some ghostly figure to watch your ass constantly.

In my Bayonetta review, I said that Darksiders had little in common with God of War, and while I'm somewhat correct, this game sure as hell tricks you into thinking it will be. You start off cutting everything in your path, but then you reach your first dungeon or temple and realize "Hold up; this is a lot like Zelda." That's because it is Zelda, only it has the God of War coat of paint. You have your hookshot, you have your version of the boomerang, you have a horse (well he is a horseman so you can't really call that copying), you have to find maps and keys and bla bla bla. And to top it all off, you get a Portal gun, making it 3 games Darksiders blatantly stole from. I guess what you have to ask yourself is that do you like Zelda, or in this case a bloody, 8-10 hour long Zelda. If the answer is yes, then you will love this game despite the fact it has absolutely no identity of its own. I found it to be entertaining. The levels are well thought out, the puzzles are clever, and the story is....nevermind. Combat though is the one thing I don't like. There are no real combos except press X a lot. If you want to be fancy, you can press Y a lot once you get a second weapon. Your basically mashing X the whole time. The block is a fuckin joke. It only blocks a few of the attacks, and if you move the left stick and block at the same time, he'll do a dashing dodge move instead. Sometimes when you mean to block, you'll dash instead, and that can really fuck things up. Speaking of fucking thing up, the camera sucks.....that's all I have to say. If you die a lot, that's probably why. All in all, Darksiders is a good game and something I recommend renting on a Friday night unless you're busy picking up hookers.

The Saboteur is one of those games that start off with the phrase "like Grand Theft Auto but...", and in this case Saboteur is like Grand Theft Auto but boring. Your missions basically comes down to either saving someone, killing someone, or blowing something up, and that would have been fine, if the missions were presented better. In most missions, you have the option of either using stealth or run n' gun - or as I like to call it 'go Rambo'. More often than not, going Rambo is probably the stupidest fuckin idea in the world as the whole compound will collapse on your stupid Irish ass. You could use the stealth option, and even go as far as disguise yourself, but guards gets suspicious extremely fuckin quickly leaving no choice but to go Rambo. I like a game that demands that you think before you act, but it seems like everything I try gets me killed, and that pisses me the fuck off. Ultimately, that's the problem with Saboteur; it's boring when you're succeeding and frustrating when you fail. Even if it does have tits, I see no reason to get this, especially since GTA: Episodes from Liberty City came out shortly before that.

I just realized that I didn't even explain what the game is about, which would explain why some of you were confused when I called your ass Irish. You play an Irishman who start a revolution against the Nazi in Paris France of all places. Why an Irish hero in France? Hell if I know. Maybe the now defunct studio that made the game really like the Irish (they did provide us a holiday specifically designed for drinking...awesome). Maybe they believed a French hero would be a oxymoron. Who knows. Who cares? All I know is that the voice actors suck. These are some of the worst accents I have ever heard in my life. They can't even sound like they're faking an accent. Shit, Assassin's Creed 2 did it; why couldn't Saboteur? This games sucks.

In a surprising change of direction, Need for Speed went the driving sim route this time around, and I have to say, I like it better than the stupid ass street racing titles they been putting out. It's also one of the easiest driving sims you'll ever play. It's kinda like a My First Driving Sim kind of game with an emphasis on keeping it simple for the unwatched masses by providing assist to help with steering and whatnot. Take off the assist however, and you will find that this one hard mother fucking game. It's almost like the game is punishing you for not taking its help, and wants to make you pay by making you spin out as much as possible, which leads me to my first problem: controls. To me, driving sims CANNOT be played with a traditional controller. You can't really turn as smooth as you want to because the analog isn't made to. I found myself tapping the left stick over and over in order to make some of the turns without turning sharply, and that's annoying. If you have the cash, I say find a good wheel before playing any driving sim or else you will be fuckin annoyed. Shift has a system that determines your driving style. If you makes your turns cleanly, don't hit anybody when passing, or staying on the racing line, you're precision driving. If you hit people, spin your back out on turns, and draft, you're driving aggressively. Online, it's good to see what kind of drivers you're dealing with, but ultimately the system is fuckin useless. Even if you're a precision driver, you're gonna drive aggressively if you feel you're gonna lose, and if you're in the lead, how are you gonna drive aggressively? Besides, hitting people is usually a bad fuckin idea in a driving sim unless you want to see how flips your car can do before the ambulance shows up.

Shift feels like a game that wasn't finished. It only has 72 cars, which is pathetic compared to other sims. The career mode is extremely short and easy to finish. The customization is lacking compared to other Need for Speed titles (although I guess that should be expected), and there's no split screen mutliplayer. I know online gaming is some very revolutionary shit, but how can you leave split screen out? I'm tired of games doing that. I guess the lack of cars and shortness of the career mode is okay since this is made for those who don't normally play racing sims. Forza is the better choice, but Shift is still good.

Rating for Darksiders: Sweet

Rating for The Saboteur: Ass

Rating for Need for Speed Shift: Sweet

Rating for GTA: Episodes from Liberty City: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: Only a good ninja could have snuck that GTA rating in there.

Sonic the Hedgehog (W)

This is the review I wrote for the Sonic Bash blog, which is now gone. However, I wanted to save this review since it's relevant to the site and the 'Worst Game' segment, and also because I put a lot of thought into this review (I usually just freestyle write my posts), making it my favorite. The review has been edited to make more sense (and to be funnier), and I've added a paragraph for Shadow seeing as how someone pointed out that I didn't really bash him at all. Hope you like the small changes made. If you haven't read it yet, here's your chance, and hopefully, you'll find it funny as well as informative. All right, let me shut up before I get too boring. In fact you probably should have skipped this paragraph. Ah well, too late now, BITCH!

Well, here it is. Allow me to introduce to you one of the worst and most disappointing Sonic game ever: Sonic the Hedgehog. Look at the title. It's the same as the original Sonic game for the Genesis. That sort of shit symbolizes a new beginning for a series. In fact, Sega had the fuckin audacity to state that, but 5 minutes into the game and you'll realized that Sonic Team hasn't learned a god damn thing from its failures in the other games. It's like that girl from the club that you fucked despite knowing she has a man. Your instincts told you not to mess with her, but you did it anyway because you're fuckin horny. You wake up the next day in her bed because, like a fuckin idiot, you thought it was a good idea to go to her place instead of yours, and now her boyfriend is knocking at the door. You hide somewhere waiting for an opportunity to sneak past this guy when you hear him asking her who's car is it near the place. Apparently, this happened before or else he wouldn't ask such a question. Of course it has. Did you really think you were her only one night stand? She can't be anything else but a slut. Anyway, you finally get your chance to get out, but then all of a sudden, the guy decides to turn back and head to your exact location. Now you run with your underwear on and the rest of your clothes held tightly in your arms. You may have dropped a shoe, but fuck it; you'll buy a new pair. You haul ass down to the street with the big burly manchild in hot pursuit and make it to your car where you jump in Dukes of Hazzard style, start it, and drive off just before the man can reach in to rip your colon out through your ear hole. Thinking the worst is over, you head home to take a cold shower, but before that you have to take a piss, and right in mid-pee you start feeling an intense burning sensation. Okay, maybe that was a bad analogy, but shut up; I'm trying to make a point here. As a Sonic fan, you can try to play this game while convincing yourself it's not that bad, but every time you deny the fact, it adds to that burning sensations.

....plants make sparks now?

The game is divided into 3 storylines, and right there, a red light turns on. What is up with Sega and separate storylines? Can't we just have one cohesive story to follow? I think they finally got the message in Sonic Unleashed, but I digress. Each story follows a hedgehog through their respective story arch. You'll control Sonic, Shadow, and Sliver as you try to complete each story. WAIT! Got another red light. I thought this was SONIC the hedgehog. Where did the other 2 come from? Shouldn't they have just called it the Hedgehogs? Makes more sense to me. And why another hedgehog? Can't we think of something else? What about a mongoose or a bearcat? OH, what about a land shark?

In Sonic's story, Robotnik (I'm not calling him Eggman) is trying to kidnap this princess for one of his schemes. Then again, that's what Sega tells us. For all we know, he could just be trying to get his little eggs to squirt, and he has an awkward way with women, but what the hell let's go with their version. Of course, it's up to Sonic to protect her because....that's how he rolls. During the whole story, she keeps getting kidnapped, and you have to keep saving her. It's like Sonic and Eggman....Oh shit I let it slip. Sorry. It's like Sonic and ROBOTNIK are constantly playing tug of war with the bitch, and the winner gets a princess with 2 broken arms. So, as Sonic, your goal is to run from point A to point B as fast as you can. That's always been the case with Sonic (as it should be), but Sega couldn't have fucked it up any worse if they programed the game with their toes and occasionally with their man-breast (no woman's breasts obviously; that would be sexual harassment). The controls are all over the place. It's a fuckin challenge just to make Sonic go straight. Despite that, making him turn sharply is an even bigger bitch. If you want to go an alternate route, you're better off coming to a stop than trying to turn into it. The camera man is clearly fuckin drunk because he can't keep the camera fuckin steady when Sonic makes a left turn, let alone follow through the whole map. The biggest sin this game commits...well actually second biggest (I'll explain later) is the fact that Sonic moves so fuckin slow. It's so painful to watch him move as if he's lightly jogging through a game that's supposed to be about FUCKIN RUNNING! This makes the Werehog look like a formula one race car. Okay, maybe not that slow. Once in a while you get to control one of Sonic friends. If you thought Sonic was slow, wait till you play as Tails and Knuckles. No exaggeration, it's walking speed. They're not even that fuckin useful. You usually use them to turn on all the panels to open a door (or some shit like that) and once you do, the game switches you back to Sonic. What's the point? Sonic can do that by himself. In fact, why even have that in the game? I'm supposed to be FUCKIN RUNNING! The load times are so fuckin atrocious in this game. It takes no less than 30 seconds ever time you go to a new area in the hub world. Oh, did I forget to mention there's a completely fuckin useless hub world?

Sonic the Arsonist

Shadow's story is...ummm...you know, I can't remember. I know he works for GUN and was on assignment, but I just can't remember shit. When I played this game and wrote the Sonic Bash version of this review, it was August 31/September 1, so it's been a while since I've looked at the game. Ah well; he didn't really seemed that important to the overall story anyway. You could have replaced him with a bar of soap and still get the same effect. Hell, the soap probably would have had more personality than Shadow, aka Captain Emo. As for gameplay, he pretty much plays exactly like Sonic with a few noticeable changes, mainly the vehicles. Sometimes, it's required (keyword: REQUIRED) for Shadow to get into a car and use it for an objective. For example: I had to use a 4x4 with missile (or rocket) launchers to destroy all the nodes to bring down a forcefield guarding the entrance to a base. So let me get this straight. So you're telling me that Shadow, the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, needs to use a fuckin car? You mean to tell me that Shadow, the ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, needs a missile launcher? So I'm to believe that Shadow, the MOTHER FUCKIN ULTIMATE LIFE FORM, couldn't do what Sonic does on a daily basis with nothing but his own 2 fuckin feet? BULL...FUCKIN...SHIT! Shadow can control time itself. He's just as fast as Sonic. Hell, he could fire energy blasts with a finger DBZ style if he wanted to. So why the fuck would he need any type of vehicle or ordinance whatsoever? And if you're going to make him use this stuff, can you at least makes the controls functional? Yes, Shadow has help like Sonic, and yes, they suck too.

The Holy Trinity of SUCK

Silver is from a fucked up future where he and Blaze the Cat are constantly fighting a monster name Iblis, and this is where the Sonic canon gets fucked up:

In Sonic Rush for the DS, Blaze comes over from another dimension to find and defeat Robotnik Nega, but in this game she's from the future with Sliver. In Sonic Rivals for PSP, Sliver comes back from the past to find and defeat Eggman Ne....shit!...Robotnik Nega who is now also from the future. So does that mean that what was once thought to be another dimension is actually the future, or was there a mix-up when writing the stories for each game?
The answer is rather simple: nobody fuckin cares, and you're a fuckin loser if you actually think that's important in any way. Don't look at me like that. I just happened to noticed, all right?

Anyway, he is tricked by the main villain Mephilis to go to the past to stop Sonic by telling Silver that Sonic is the one who caused Iblis to arise. I knew I was in for shit....well, when I played through the first 2 stories, but even if I didn't, I knew this would suck when Amy ran into Silver thinking it was Sonic. REALLY AMY!? You know, for a girl madly in love, you'd think she would recognize who is and who isn't Sonic. A silver colored hedgehog who's fur on his head is shaped like a potleaf is clearly not Sonic. She did this shit to Shadow too in Sonic Adventure 2. No wonder Sonic wants nothing to do with her; what a dumb bitch. Silver plays very differently from the other 2. His doesn't run through the stages; instead he using psychic abilities to attack enemies and getting past obstacles at a normal platforming pace. Silver's gameplay sucks, but not because it feels broken like Sonic and Shadow. His psychic powers are never really used in numerous ways. All you do is make paths for you to get across gaps, pick up items to throw at enemies (which to my knowledge is the only way to attack), and bend girdles to use as springboards. That's it. With such limited options, Silver gets boring almost immediately, which is a shame because this actually had a lot of potential. He should be doing the kind of shit we've seen in Star Wars: the Force Unleashed. Like the other two, Silver also has friends, but unlike Sonic and Shadow, you'll feel like you've played most of the story with the help. The main one is Blaze who plays exactly like Sonic, and therefore sucks. Apparently, they figured since Sliver is slow, they'll make the player play as Blaze longer. So, instead of evolving Silver's powers until he is actually fun to play, they added more running. Well, if they felt it was necessary to do that (and I could be wrong, but chances are I'm not), why even add Silver in the first place? Why not just make it about Sonic and have him FUCKIN RUNNING!? All 3 campaigns suffer from bad level design, which falls somewhere between pretty shitty and porta potty shitty. Damn, do I have anything nice to say about this game?

.....wrong...as...hell...

You wanna know what's so wrong about that picture above? Do you really want to know? Fine. Throughout the story, the relationship between Sonic and the princess grows into something...ummm...intimate. Yes, the male hedgehog and the female human fall in love. I wish I was fuckin joking. There's one scene towards the end where Sonic gets killed by Mephilis (yea, I'm ruining the story; I don't care), and the princess, in her grief, kisses Sonic in the mouth and somehow brings him back to life. Then he transforms into Super Sonic and bla bla bla. First off, why are two beings of different species falling in love? Okay, maybe if Knuckles and Rouge got together, that would make sense, but they're both anthropomorphs. A human and an anthropomorph isn't acceptable. Second, she kissed Sonic in the fuckin mouth...while he was dead! She didn't really know her kiss would be him back to life. Now let me ask you something: what's worse? Is it the fact she made out with an animal or the fact she made out with a corpse? Well, it's dealer's choice, so pick your fuckin poison. Now THIS is like that girl from the club that you fucked despite knowing she has a man. Your instincts told you not to mess with her, but you did it anyway because you're fuckin horny. You wake up the next day in her bed because, like a fuckin idiot, you thought it was a good idea to go to her place instead of yours, and now her boyfriend is knocking at the door. You hide somewhere waiting for an opportunity to sneak past this guy when you hear him asking her who's car is it near the place. Apparently, this happened before or else he wouldn't ask such a question. Of course it has. Did you really think you her only one night stand? She can't be anything else but a slut. Anyway, you finally get your chance to get out, but then all of a sudden, the guy decides to turn back and head to your exact location. Now you run with your underwear on and the rest of your clothes held tightly in your arms. You may have dropped a shoe, but fuck it; you'll buy a new pair. You haul ass down to the street with the big burly manchild in hot pursuit and make it to your car where you jump in Dukes of Hazzard style, start it, and drive off just before the man can reach in to rip your colon out through your ear hole. Thinking the worst is over, you head home to take a cold shower, but before that you have to take a piss, and right in mid-pee you start feeling an intense burning sensation. For those of you who have been paying attention, you probably noticed that I never referred to the princess by name, and now you know why. What a sick bitch. For those of you who haven't...[CLAP] [CLAP] FOCUS!!

You know, I would run from Tails too

If Sonic is a dying franchise, then this game is the tumor the doctors found in its brain, and it's gonna take a hell of a lot of chemo to get rid of all the sick it left behind. Until I played Sonic R and Sonic the Fighters, I pointed to this game as the worst in the series. I literally cried from the pain of playing this shit. Really. Ask Neil. If someone said to you that you would have to play this or else your child dies....okay, that was going a little too far, but you get my point. I've played a shitload of Sonic games, so when I (and basically the whole gaming community) say a game is awful, you can depend on my word. FYI: the princess name is Elise. I just wanted to point that out just in case someone was thinking I didn't actually know her name. I know some of you were thinking it.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: I blame Fox and it's 4kids block for making Sonic suck. Watch Sonic X and you will agree with me. It would have been better...with ninjas!

Brutal Legend

Okay, I don't really know much about Metal. In fact, all I know is what I heard on Rock Band and episodes of Metalocalypse (on adult swim), so I was wondering if Brutal Legend would be something I can get into, especially since the game is so metal up the ass I expect the disc to jump out of my xbox, grab Guitar Hero, and just rip Dragonforce on expert...and 5 star it. Luckily, you don't have to know much about metal, but if you don't know the difference between emo and glam rock, then chances are you're gonna miss some of the references. Remember: one style of rock is filled with a bunch of pussies who's gender and sexuality are constantly in question as they parade around stage, and the other is glam rock......I wonder how many people are going to get that joke. Speaking of jokes, every caption under the pictures in this review will feature a line from the video game (which may or may not be accurate). Observe.

AH HA! I knew it! Big ugly demon!

The game stars Jack Black who plays Jack Black who reprises the role of Jack Black as Eddie Riggs who for the sake of this review, we'll call Jack Black, and it just occurred to me that I kinda ripped off Yahtzee from the escapist. Jack Black is the world's best roadie who's working for the world's worst band, and if you played the demo, you know EXACTLY what I mean. You may also know that an accident causes blood to fall on Jack Black's badass belt buckle and summons the God of Rock to come forth and transport him into a new world that looks like the shoebox of a metal fan filled with album covers. The humans in this world are all slaves to the evil dude you see above, and it's up to Jack Black to save everyone by killing everyone else. Metal. The cool thing about the world is that EVERYTHING is metal related. There's even an animal who's skeleton can be used as a gun. Awesome (too bad you can't use it). It's a cool world to look at and explore....for maybe the first hour. Then you realize that unless you're doing side-quests, the open world is fuckin pointless. Actually, no, it's not pointless, just tedious. In order to find news moves or upgrades, you have to drive around to find them, and that gets real boring real fast.

I do this for the fans

The gameplay is simple enough. A is your melee attack, X is your magic attack, B is your block, and Y is the action button. Wait......where the fuck is the jump button? Oh you got to be shitting me. How can he not jump? Sigh* Okay, so he can't jump, but he can fight and that's what important. After you adjust to not having a fuckin jump button (minus one point, guys), the game is your typical hack and slash. You run to an area, you clear house, you rock on. Simple. After a while, you can recruit people to fight along side you for missions, which is cool because going it alone can lead to having your balls ripped out and fed to......

or one of the many many many things that want you dead. Afterward, you can assemble an army to go against other armies to....see....if......what the fuck? Real time strategy? I thought this was an adventure game. Seriously, you build a stage which is your main base, you set up merchandise stands for supplies which are actually fans, you spawn troops from the stage depending on your fans, and...oh, I guess that's it. It's really light on the whole RTS thing. If Halo Wars is an RTS for beginners, then Brutal Legend is for fuckin babies. All you do is amass a large force and point at anything you didn't create. There's really nothing to it, and it's simple enough so that you don't fuck up real bad, but this isn't what I came for. I wanted to kill legions of emos to the sounds of Motorhead, not this shit. The one thing I do like is that when your army is getting it's ass kicked, you can go down there and handle it yourself; an RTS first, although I'm still not sure if this really is an RTS. If this paragraph is confusing you, now you know how I feel. It's so hard to explain. Ah, fuck it. The story is funny, and that along with the fighting is what is important. Too bad you spend most of the time in the RTS.

ASS - KICKERS UNITE!

Honestly, I don't know what to make of Brutal Legend. It's not bad enough to be Meh, but it's not good enough to be Sweet. Having Jack Black in it was good, but the RTS sections weren't that great. The combat is good, but there's no fuckin jump button. The story is funny, but it gets more serious towards the end. The world looks very imaginative, but there's really nothing fun to do in it. Hmmmm......

Rating: Meh with a dash of Sweet

Yea, that sounds about right.

NOTE: Don't let the picture on top of the site fool you. I'm not doing a Borderlands review. I don't have that kind of time to play it. Yes, I purposely left the pic with the metal spider without a caption. No, I will not response to that guy's comment about Madden vs 2K5. Yes, I really am doing an Uncharted 2 review for no apparent reason. No, the Sonic blog is not over and done with just yet. Yes, I am getting DJ Hero. No, I'm not sure if I'll review it. Yes, I am single ladies. No, you don't have to fight over me.

Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust (W)

With the release of Madden 10, the Batman demo which took all fuckin night to download, working on the other blog, and playing other games that'll eventually show up on this blog, you can understand why I couldn't finish this fucker, which is a royal piece of shit. Seriously, it's like they tried to make a piece of shit, and did a shitty job at it. I can't believe it; I really can't believe it, but I finally found a game worse than X-Blades. For some of you who are knowledgeable about the series, you might have noticed something missing in the title. The 'W' is there, but there should be something else. I'll get to that later.

.....Boobs...

Right off the bat, hell even in the batter's box, things go bad when I finally get a chance to move the character around. In the tutorial mission, you're shown how the platforming works, and as I try to get to my goal for maybe a half a fuckin hour, I threw my controller down and turned off my system off. The point I'm trying to make is that THE CONTROLS ARE FUCKIN HORRIBLE! Larry moves like he has a pipe bomb up his ass, and the pipe bomb has a grenade (without the pin) stuck up its ass, and any moment an explosion can cause one hell of an anal evacuation. Not only is his movement awkward and stiff, he's so damn slow, even when he's in full sprint. Now, how am I suppose to jump from platform to platform with bad controls like this? Of course, there are other means to get around. You get to grab vehicles to get around, but dammit they're even worse to control. To top it all off, there was a shooting portion of the game, and it could not be handled any worse. I had to turn it off (again), and put in Call of Duty to remind me what a good shooter is like. I threw my control down so many times in disgust, and right now, I would like to take the time out to apologize to my 360 controller (it's not your fault).

....Boobs...

Here's what you do in the game: go from point A to point B. That's pretty much it. There's some platforming or minigame throw in here and there, but that's mostly what you do. This...is not...fuckin...GAMEPLAY! If I wanted to do nothing but walk around all damn day, I would just play Second Life on my computer. At least in that shit I can have digital sex, although I'm pretty sure the women are actually men. I can hear some of the gears turning in the gamers head about that sex comment. Again, I'll get to that. Anyway, it seems like my sole purpose in this game is to guide Larry to the next cutscene. Although they're nowhere near as long, just the sheer amount of cutscenes can rival any game, even RPGs (maybe even Metal Gear Solid....just kidding). Jesus Christ, I've never been so bored walking in my life. I don't know what the developers were thinking. The funny thing is, the game is very self aware that it sucks, and Larry makes comments based on the suckiness. In one mission, he said "I better hurry up or this may start to feel repetitive." I may have fucked up the quote, but my point is that statement means that this game was designed to be repetitive, which leads me to believe that the developers purposely made a shitty game. I guess the joke's on me for playing it, right? If there's one good thing I can say about this game is that the gaphics look sharp. They're nowhere near the best we've seen for the 360, but it fits the setting. Of course, I'm not that into graphics like that, so it's like complimenting a dog turd on its formation. Who fuckin cares?

....Boobs...

So...what's missing? Well, if you know anything about the Leisure Suit Larry series, you know it's famous for its gratuitous sex. A Larry game should get the 'STS' stamp (meaning sex to sell), but this one doesn't. It has sexy women, plenty of innuendo, and even some raunchy scenes, but these seem to be treated as a formality rather than a selling point. It feels like any reference to sex is there simply because it's a Leisure Suit Larry game. Oh, and there's no nudity. Oh, I'm sure that's gonna piss a lot of Larry fans out there. Now, I can understand why they wouldn't want nudity in the game. Home consoles have a strong stance against strong sexually graphic material, and you really can't go too far. Look at what happened to San Andreas. That doesn't mean sex couldn't be in the game, at least I don't think. In 2005, I've played LSL: Magna Cum Laude for the Xbox, PS2, and PC (to see the differences), and the Xbox version had sex scenes in them (censored of course). So, why did they not do it here? I don't know. Now, I could care less if the girls are naked or not (although I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious); I just wanted it to be funny like the last game. Sadly, the comedy is gone too. Comedy is more important to the series than the sex, and if you don't have that, you don't have a LSL game. I'm not saying they ditched the jokes. They tried so hard to be funny, and that's the problem. If you have to try to be funny, then don't! It was like watching a comic crash and burn onstage. It was painful to watch, and even more painful to listen. In the last game, the gameplay was bad too, but the jokes were so funny that you suffered through it to hear some more. There were also tits, but that's besides the point. Without the jokes, there's no reason to plow through this game, which I didn't. I gave up midway through because I think I developed Super Cancer in the process.

I'm noticing a reoccurring theme here

Dude, I can't even give you a decent closing paragraph about this. It's bad; really bad. If you're a fan of the series, you now know what Sonic fans are going through (we feel your pain). That's out of the way, but the torture isn't over yet. We still got plenty of bad games to go through, including a Sonic game that has the nerve of being a downloadable on the Xboxlive marketplace (OH HELL NO!). Mark my words, we will find the worst Xbox 360 game. As for this game...

Rating: Red Rings of Death

NOTE: All the pics were from the PC version. I guess nobody wanted to get screenshots of the 360 because it means they would have to play it.

Sonic Unleashed Re-post (W)

To start off my agonizing search for the worst game of Xbox360, I look at a game I've already reviewed, and sadly, it's a Sonic game. Since my thoughts are the same now as they were then, I decided to re-post the review for the sake of retrospect (and laziness). The original plan was to do Leisure Suit Larry, but I thought it would be best to get the ball rolling with this game before I review Larry. It will be my next entry, assuming I finish it soon. For those wondering, I'll do the other Sonic game, too. Well, let's get to it. Sorry for the lack of pictures. Blogspot is being a dick.


Sigh* Being a Sonic fan, I'm really not looking forward to writing this one. After playing good game after good game I was bound to run into shit eventually; ironic since a 3rd of the game is about running. This was another friend request so I had to do it, but now I'm wondering why I take requests at all. Months ago I played the Wii version and was mildly entertained, so I figured I'd like something about this version. I did find something, but it's not worth all the bullshit you have to go through to get to the good bits, especially since instead of this crap I could be playing Street Fighter 4 (Seth is cheap as hell!) or GTA4: the lost and the Damned. Oh well, let's talk shittiness.

Normally this is where I relay the plot of the game, but this is a Sonic game. It start with Robotnick (I refuse to fuckin call him Eggman) doing something retarded and ends with SuperSonic saving the day. When the beginning and end are always the same, the plot in between becomes redundant. HEY SONIC TEAM! How about giving Robotnick a break and bring out something or someone new for a change? I won't even explain how he became a werehog because it's just not worth going into.

And don't get me started on the voice acting. Somebody tell sonic team there's a difference between family game and kiddy game. If you want to make a game for the whole family, you don't write dialog that's too kiddy even for seseame street! I swear to God I wanted to kill those fuckin rodents every time they opened their mouths. Tails is supposed to sound like a little boy, but sounds like a very small woman instead. Amy's still a bitch who provides absolutely nothing (which is why Sonic wants nothing to do with her....smart boy). Robotnick is the stereotypical bad guy with the cheezy evil laugh. Chip...well he....ummm....well let me put it this way. Everything about him makes me want to crack the game in half and slit my own throat with the broken pieces. The only tolerable acting is Sonic, and he's not that good to begin with. OH, and you can't skip the cutscenes.

Now, remember when I said running is 1/3 of the game? For those of you who are paying attention, you probably realized that something is wrong since Sonic is known for FUCKIN RUNNING (RIGHT SONIC TEAM?)! Well when you do run, it's the most fun you'll every have with any 3D Sonic game. The controls and camera finally fit a Sonic game, and track design are awesome. My only gripe is that it's almost impossible to complete a stage on the first run. Sonic runs so fast that you won't know you were supposed to move or jump until you fail and die. Which brings up a point: Why do they still have lives? Lives are obselete.

To get to the running though, you have to go through the other 2/3 of shit the developers shoveled in for some reason. First let's start with the hub world. Its soooooo fucking useless, but they make you go through it. I can't even describe all the stuff you have to do, but know this: In order to move on to the next stage, you have to have a certain number of coins to open the door. If you don't, that means backtracking through previously beaten levels. What a lame way to lengthen gameplay (yes, I said lame). Then there are the nighttime werehog levels. Initially you think "well this aint too bad" but then it feels so boring after 2 levels. The level design sucks and the combat (while fun to see what combos Sonic has) is extremely easy. There's no attack patterns to learn, no real change in enemies, or any real reason why not to press the Y button over and over to quickly end the fight. In the end, it's a pointless gimmick there to appeal to........you know what, I have no idea who this appeals to.

So how can I absolutely hate the Xbox360 version but find the Wii version mildly entertaining? Well let's start with the hub world. In the 360 version, you're forced to do stuff and collect coins; on the Wii there is no real hub world and the doors open almost automatically. Basically 1/3 of the game is cut out of the Wii version. Also the nighttime levels are cut into 5 minute stages and have less enemies to fight. On the 360, levels can take up to 30 minutes, you can't save in the level, and you have to look for coins throughout to open doors later. Lastly, the Wii version doesn't take forever to beat. Yea the daytime levels aren't as fast as the 360, but at least they're feasible to beat on the first try (except Eggmanland....Son of a Bitch!).

I'm not suggesting you get either version of this game, but if you're a big Sonic fan, then go for the Wii version if you own one. For the XBOX heads out there, stay away! If someone puts this game in your Xbox360, call the police because you just got raped (or something similar to that).
I'm not ready to end the Sonic franchise; maybe it just needs a new developer because Sonic Team obviously can only create shit.

Rating: Red Rings of Death

We know it's terrible, but is it the worst? No. Like I said, the running stages are very fun, and if it was just that shit, we wouldn't be having this discussion. In fact, I think I would still play this over X-Blades, but maybe that's just my fandom talking. Can there be something worse? I think our next game can be. Leisure Suit Larry, I'm hoping you disappoint.

NOTE: Isn't it funny how the better version was co-develop by Dimps, and Sonic Team fully developed the shitty version? Kinda supports my new developer theory, don't it? Isn't it also funny that I'm entirely too lazy to do another post?

Prototype

Judging from the box art alone, the game looks like it's gonna be badass. When you hear all the press about it and read up on what the gameplay is gonna be like, you would think the game will be badass. Then you get the game, and it turns out it's not as badass as you thought it would be. Don't get me wrong: Prototype is still a good game, but all the press made it seem like it will change the face of sandbox games forever. Instead, it just made improvements on what's already been done. It does do some things different, but not enough to back up a lot of the claims that were made about the game. There are even some elements, just like in Red Faction Guerrilla, that will drive you mad. Prototype is a good example of 'Don't believe the hype'. PENIS! Sorry for that outburst, but I realized my paragraph was too serious.

That's how he eats. I hate to see how he drinks

You play Alex Mercer (not to be confused with Alec Mason from Red Faction...see what I did there?), a man with no memory and inexplicable powers. Now Alex must find out who he is and try to put the pieces of his life back together. Great...another guy who lost his memory. That hasn't been done 700,000 times before. Seriously, can we please stop with the amnesiac angle because it's getting old watching the protagonist trying to remember. At least do something different with it, like every time he remembers something, it adds to his cancer or something. Nobody take that idea; that's mine. HEY YOU! OVER THERE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PEN AND PAD!? GROCERY LIST MY ASS! GET OVER HERE........(*sounds of a struggle*)........(*sound of glass breaking*).......(*guy screaming in pain*)......sigh.* Now that that's over with, I should probably mention that New York is also infected with some virus that turns people into freaks. They're nowhere near as awesome as Mercer, but still dangerous. He doesn't necessarily have to (and I wish he wouldn't) but Mercer decides to try to save New York while getting revenge on the people who made him the way he....HEY!.......(*sounds of a struggle*)........(*bludgeoning sounds*)....DIE BITCH!.....(*slamming sounds*).........(*heavy breathing*) God damn, that guy wouldn't stay down. He's like the giant chicken from Family Guy. (*heavy breathing*) I'm seriously out of breath here, people.

Things got off to a great start when the opening cinematic started fucking lagging and the audio couldn't keep up or got ahead of the video. Well, things seem to be going well so far. Once I started playing, though, I quickly forgot about it and enjoyed my time being a badass. As I was playing the game and having fun killing random....everything, I couldn't help feeling like I've done this before. Then it hit me: This seems ahellava lot like the Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction. Sure you're not green, throwing tanks 700 yards, or using wrecking balls like yo-yos, but this game definitely takes from the Hulk game. Both games are sandbox games. Both have a shitload of upgrades you can make. Both have heroes who don't like the military. Shit, replace Mercer with the Hulk and you can call this The Incredible Hulk: Total Destruction. When I decided to look at what games the developer has made over the years, it didn't surprise me one bit when I saw the Hulk game on that list. Well, Hulk was a badass game, so if you're gonna mimic one of your previous games, it might as well be that game. I would point out other similarities, but I don't want to bore you with my nerdy little tangents.

...I didn't do it

To understand Alex Mercer, you must understand his body (sounds like a sex ed video). Besides the normal superhero stuff (strength, speed, agility, etc.) his body can shape shift. This allows him to transform his body into a weapon of badass destruction, especially when you upgrade to the more powerful stuff. I would tell you, but that would just ruin the surprise (plus I'm too lazy to). The most important feature of Alex is his ability to consume. When you grab a character (could be anyone on the screen) you can absorb them into your body. This acts as your healthpack of sorts. Some of the executions he performs before the consumption are just downright awesome. Just now, I kneed a woman in the face, causing her head to explode. While equipped with one of my weapons, I elbow dropped a dude, splitting him in half. Some people hold valuable information, and upon consumption, you know what they know. Sometimes you will acquire skills needed to operate a military vehicle. Sometimes its important information about what's going on with the infection. These people with info will add to what is called the web of intrigue. Each person added to the web gets you closer to completely understanding what is going on. There's a red icon over a person's head that let's you know that they add to the web of intrigue. It's not necessary, but you can't resist absorbing these people when they pop up on your mini-map. They're like achievements points. After learning what I need to know, I did a few missions, did a couple of side shit, and went on a killing rampage decapitating anyone who looked at me with 2 eyes. Everything started out nice, but around the halfway point, things started going up shits creak.

Reach out and touch someone

The missions are design to be as action packed as possible. The problem is you'll barely make it out alive in most of the missions past the halfway point. It's not that "Oh, this is challenging. I need a new strategy" kind of hard. It's that "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" kind of hard. Just like in Red Faction, you will be overwhelmed by enemies (or sometimes just one enemy) with no way of reaching any food supply for health. The military gets easy to deal with after a while (just keep stealing tanks and copters), but the more powerful infected creatures are a bitch. In one mission, I had to protect a machine from wave after wave of big mother fuckers while giant tentacles threw shit at me. BULL...FUCKIN...SHIT! Then they wanted me to infiltrate a base filled with machines that can detect me even when I'm disguised (oh, I forgot to mention that when you consume someone, you can use their body as a disguise. Great for sneaking into bases or hiding from pursuers). Once I'm detected, the whole fuckin army collapsed on me. Fuckin A, can I get a break here? Wanna hear something really fucked up? It took me 2 days to reach the final boss. It took me 2 days to finally BEAT the final boss. What...the...fuck. Speaking of bosses, I hate it when games throw minions at you during a boss fight. It seems so pointless unless they're there for health. In one boss fight, the boss sent the most powerful mother fuckas it could find. I said to myself "This is it. This is my own personal hell" as I died over and over and over and over again. A lot of these missions made me throw my controller down and turn off my system. If I wasn't reviewing this, I would have quit a long time ago because I don't play games to raise my blood pressure, dammit. The only saving grace for these bullshitty missions is the fact that the developers were very generous with the checkpoints. I'm better than the average person, so I can only imagine what they're going through. Maybe I'll put up tips like I did for Wolverine. OH, and half of the side missions suck, so don't bother unless you need the XP, or you found one you like.

Lovely nails

Once you look past the insane missions and sometimes laggy cimematics, Prototype is a good game. In fact, I've been playing it while doing this review. I needed to; I'm typing this at 4 in the morning, and I need something to keep me up. Video games are great waker upers. If a video game can hold your attention, you're not going to sleep no matter how tired you are. Anyway, Prototype is worth a look, and if you know someone with the game, bum it off them. This could have been better with more time for the developers to polish it, but as it is it's still a...OH GOD DAMMIT.......(*sounds of a struggle*).......WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?........(*sounds of a struggle*).....(*banging sounds*).....PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN!.......(*struggling sounds*).......

Rating: ...Sweet....OW MY FOOT!.....(*banging sounds*).....

NOTE: ...........(*punching noices*).........AH FUCK.......(*struggling sounds*)..........MY GUN!.........(*click click)......NOW WHAT BITCH!?........(*gunshots*)........(*breathing heavily*).....son of a bitch ain't coming back from that. Damn; he made me miss my NOTE portion.

Red Faction: Guerrilla

Well, Halo Wars and Hawx were fun, but it's time to go back to the realm of actions games. Of course, I didn't necessarily want to come back to action games this way (as I told some of you through e-mail), but I kept hearing how good it is, how original it is, and how different it is. I figured I wouldn't like it because I played the demo, and the demo failed to impressed me. Once I got the game however, I realized I had no idea what I was doing in the demo, and that clouded my judgment. After learning how to do things in the game, I quickly discovered that this is more fun than the demo let on. Despite this, there are plenty of moments where Red Faction took my enthusiasm and flushed it down the toilet, only to clog up my pipes and required me to call a plumber.

That car looks like shit

You play Alec Mason (not to be confused with Alex Mercer from Prototype...like I was) as he moves to the shittiest planet in the solar system: Mars. After meeting his brother and learning the fine art of swinging a sledgehammer that is for some reason strong enough to take out a wall and support beams in one swing, he learns that brother Mason is a part of the Red Faction: a group of guerrillas (as you probably figured out from the fuckin title) trying to chase out the oppressive EDF Force controlling Mars. After breaking shit, brother Mason gets shot down, and now the EDF assumes you are part of the Red Faction, so you pretty much have no choice but to BE a part of the Red Faction. After that stuff happens in the beginning of the game, the story dissappears. Apparently, the developers felt that after a certain point, a very involved story would get in the way, and frankly, I agree with them. Shut the fuck up, and let me blow shit up.

As you might have guessed by now, Red Faction is all about blowing shit up, tearing shit down, and breaking shit apart, and it's that element that makes this game. Almost everything you see can be destroyed, and how you destroy it depends on you. You can use remote charges to take out support beams to bring a building down. You can fire rockets at buildings, punching holes in the side. You can ram vehicles into buildings and (if it's strong enough) drive out through the other side. If all else fails (and it damn well shouldn't), you can always use your sledgehammer. Not only is property damage fun to do, it's also realistic. When you damage something, it ALMOST always reacts like it's suppose to. Because objects crumble like in real life, it makes you want to destroy more, just to see it come down. It's also fun to strip a building down to just a few support beams to see it stay up for a while, and then crumble under its own weight. Awesome.

Boom Boom Booooom (Gotta get that)

The reason I said "ALMOST always reacts like it's suppose to" is because sometimes buildings do some funny stuff. One time, I took out the entire first floor of a building, and it was still standing. The only thing that was holding it up was a little ass ladder? Really? There must have some awesome ladders in Mars. Also, explosion don't do as much damage as you think they would. I shot 4 rockets into a building, and (all things considering) the building was fine. Things will probably get uncomfortable when it rains (if it rains), but still, not too much damage. There's also not that much to destroy, at least to me. Now, I completely understand the limitations of today's technology, and what I'm about to complain about is really unreasonable, but Mars seems so empty. Geez, it seems like someone just plopped a few buildings here or there on a barren wasteland and called it a game world. There's no real metropolis area where you can just go nuts. There is the residential area, Eos, but that place is so heavily guarded you'll be dead before you finish booming your second building. Once the initial 'WHOA' factor wears off, you'll eventually get bored of the boom boom boom (gotta get that) and just try to get through the game as soon as possible.

Correction: THIS car looks like shit

By far the worst aspect of the game is the shooting. I don't care what the main focus is, it's a third person shooter first and foremost, and Volition fuck it up. The funny thing is that it's not the actually shooting mechanics that's the problem. Whenever you destroy an important building (which you should be doing all the time), the EDF will respond. Their numbers will range from 15 soldiers to....maybe...57,000. That all sounds fun, but then you find out that Mason isn't made to fight that large of a number. This leads to unnecessary frustration and controller chucking as you die from being overwhelmed numerous times. The game says you need to use hit and run tactics, but there are plenty of missions where you have to stay in the fuckin area or you fail. In that case, shouldn't I be able to fuckin defend myself against this insanely large horde of soldier who are pissed off at me because I just destroyed their favorite Starbucks? I find myself hoppong in and out of vehicles just to stay alive, and that's not fun. Did I mention they too have vehicles, some of which can fly? I could have put the game on easy and called it a day, but somehow I would feel like less of a man if I did.

BLOW ME!

If they had made the gunplay fun, I would have heartly recommended Red Faction, but as it is, it's just generic. The missions lack variety, destroying shit will get old, and shooting sucks balls. Therefore this game is going right back to Gamestop. I don't see where all this high praise for it came from. Maybe they were all just so fasinated with the level of destruction. I bet after a few weeks of playing, most of them will feel like I feel. At first, any game can seem like 'the shit' (except X-Blades, oh God no!), but give it time to marinate, and you see the game for what it really is. If you still like it, then good for you; it was money well spent. If not, well then...I FUCKIN CALLED IT!

Rating: Meh

NOTE: Notice how I totally neglected online play. My credibility just went down a few notches.

X-Blades (STS) (W)

Hooray. Another action chick wearing next to nothing for the purpose of wearing next to nothing. I know this will sound weird coming from a guy, but how about a female protagonist that dresses sensibly. While other games like to focus on unfeasible boobage, this game decides to enter through the back door. Yes, it is all about the ass as our starlet walks around in buttfloss so thin it's not enough to deem worthy to wear on a nude beach. I actually wouldn't be surprised is that wasn't a thong at all, but instead a really pale tan line from leaving that area unexposed to any form of light. I was pretty confident by looking at the box art that half way through the game I would have to solve a puzzle by doing a pole dance or suck off a statue, but the point I'm trying to make is how am I gonna respect the girl if she looks like she should be dancing on my lap for tips? Just because you wear less clothing than Lara Croft doesn't mean you're better, but it's time to stop ragging on her getup and concentrate on the 'game' aspect of the game...which is downright horrible (I cried twice).

Please Jump

The story starts off with the bitch Ayumi touching something she had no business touching in the first place. After killing everything in the room that spanwed, a map appeared showing her the location of an artifact that again she has no business touching, and she accidentally released a darkness in the world and inside herself. Afterwards, the story kinda disappears. You won't know, nor will you care why you're doing any of this. Shit, even Ayumi doesn't remember why.

This game looks like shit; plain and simple. Apparently Southpeak can't do cell shading, but they decided to try anyway. The characters look crappy which is funny because if you're trying to sell a game based on the sexiness of the heroin (or in this case, the dumb bitch who can't keep her hands off shit) then you should at least make sure the graphics on her are tight...I mean solid. When they're a large number of enemies onscreen, the action lags sooo badly, and they're always a large number of enemies onscreen.

MINIONS! ATTACK THE G-STRING!

How would I best describe the gameplay? Honestly, I don't know. Clearly, this game is rpping off some established series; I just can't decide which. The knee-jerk response would be God of War because, well let's face it; almost every action adventure game tries to be God of War. Despite that, I can't help but to think I'm playing a very shitty version of Devil May Cry. Maybe it's because her swords are also pistols, and Devil May Cry is known for it's sword/gun play. That's right: her swords are also pistols. That should have been fuckin awesome. Like Devil May Cry there's only one attack button, but unlike DMC there's no skill involve. It's just the same fuckin combo the whole game. You have guns, but the game is real picky as to who needs to be shot at. There's a lock-on, but like all games with camera issues, it's more of a hinderance than help. Speaking of camera issues, the camera seems to always position itself right around the ass to get a real nice look at her really pale tan line they called a g-string. And then there are the enemies. The enemy design sucks. Seriously, you will not feel threaten by any of the enemies apearances at all. That may be for the best because you are always fighting a million billion of them. That sounds cool at first, but when you realize there's no block button, suddenly large numbers are a real pain in the ass, especially since some attacks stun you, and when you're surrounded by 2 legged dogs trying to bite your arms off, I guarantee that you will throw your controller in disgust. Boss Battles are worse. Not only are you fighting a boss who health takes forever to wither down and likes to use cheap attacks, but normal enemies spawn in your way. So now you're surrounded by enemies while a big guy is chucking fireballs at you. Fun. You have spell and now that I think about it... THAT's your offense. Really, all the hacky slashy is good for is building up your rage meter to do a special. Do your spell, kill the monsters, wait for new ones to show up. That's X-Blades gameplay in a nutshell.

The ghosts of her past boyfriends

To the folks at Southpeak Games, YOU SUCK! If you played any of their games before, you know they are only good at making shit. This is porbably the best they'll ever do, and really, who would want to fund another one of their projects? Anyway, Ayumi is best described as the girl who wants to fit in with the rest. Every day, she pasts by the cafe and watches as Lara Croft, Kratos, and Dante drink coffee and talk about their successful careers wishing one day they will allow her to sit at the big kids table. X-Blades: proof that America should not do anime.

[Update]: If you're wondering why I have both covers up, it's because this game is also part of my worst Xbox360 game segment.

Note: If I had to rank this game, it would be number 1 on my Hall of Shame. Second is Sonic Unleashed. Also, alot of people told me they like my shorter reviews better than the long ones, so I guess I can keep them about as long as this review is. Less work for me. Now put on some pants young lady.