Halo Reach

Bla bla bla...Halo...bla bla bla...jetpack!...bla bla bla...pwning noobz

Rating: The Fuck Do You Think?

NOTE:  Seriously, why am I here?

Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions

When Spider-Man Shattered Dimensions was announced, the first thing people said was "What the fuck is Noir?" The second question was how is having 4 different kind of Spider-Men going to play like. Well, the first step was to ditch the open-world New York setting. About fuckin time Activision. How many times can we swing around New York before you realize that shit was getting old? 5 times apparently, or is it 4? It was 5 games, right? Well, it was at least 4, and it was time for a change. Activision and Beenox did a great job, but some nagging issues kept this from being the Batman Arkham Asylum of Spider-Man. Dude, what the fuck happened to Ultimate Spider-Man's eyes on my box art!?

While fighting the man with the fishbowl for a head Mysterio in a museum, Spider-Man accidentally broke what is called the Tablet of Order, and it's pieces spread throughout the 4 universes: Amazing (classic Spidey), Noir (Spidey in 1933), 2099 (Spidey in 2099...well no shit), and Ultimate (a teenage Spidey). This not only put every single universe in jeopardy, but also made Mysterio into something he's never been before...relevant. Now under the guidance of Madame Web (Yea, I have no idea who that is either), the 4 Spider-Men must put the tablet back together all while trying to avoid Mysterio's 619.


You take control of 4 different Spider-Men in 4 different worlds and if you think the gameplay will be different with each Spider-Men, then shame on you for believing their marketing pitch. Only Noir is different. The rest are combat heavy. Let me quickly describe the gameplay for the Amazing, 2099, and Ultimate universes: punch, kick, punch, kick, web swing, bad joke. In all fairness, Ultimate Spider-Man actually tells funny jokes, but that's not the point. The only 2 real differences is how they fight and their settings. Amazing has the grainy, old comic book/cartoon look to it, and his attacks uses a lot of webbing. Ultimate has a sharper, new comic book/cartoon look to it, and fights with more tentacles than a Japanese rape monster in a all girls high school. 2099 graphics look more realistic, and he fights with his hands because he's a man dammit. Also he's an old white guy. Seriously, why does Miguel O'Hara sound like an old white guy. Yea, I wasn't expecting an accent, but c'mon. Anyway, the stages and combat are set up nicely and the changes in settings do add that little something to make it more interesting. The change in dimensions also brings about changes in bad guys. For example, in the 2099 universe, Doc Oct is a chick....and eerily hot. It's mindless fun, and in the end, isn't that what we came for?

NOPE. Chances are you're buying this game for the one universe that actually does play different: Noir. Spider-Man Noir is dark, gritty, and the most realistic looking of the 4 universes. Noir is as overpowering as the other three, so he has to use stealth to do what he needs to do, which raises an interesting question. Why doesn't any other Spider-Man use stealth before? How come none of them ever said to themselves "Hmm, you know what? I don't like dodging bullets. Maybe I should just sneak around." It would definitely make life easier. Just ask Noir. Okay, 2099's suit is built to take hits like that, but you get my drift. Noir feels like it needed to prove itself to Batman, except Noir has a hellava lot more shadows to hide in. Your Spider sense is even used the same exact way as Batman's detective mode. Basically you try your best to stay in the shadows and pick people off one by one. Knowing this, the game likes to fuck with you from time to time. In one stage, a blimp overhead kept fuckin following me with it's fuckin spotlight. Another stage had fireworks going off, illuminating the whole stage. Just because you're not in the shadows doesn't mean you can't get stealth takedowns, but just remember that light is bad and shadow is good.


The combat get repetitive after a while. You can only punch kick punch kick web swing bad joke so many times before it grows stale, but luckily the game doesn't last long enough to overstay its welcome too long. Another little annoyance is the task of rescuing people. It breaks the flow of the game, and it's really unnecessary. In Noir's case, the villains always threaten to kill the hostages if you're spotted, but they never do. Maybe it's because I'm playing on normal. Maybe if I play on hard, they'll actually pull the trigger. But the most annoying aspect - something I'd expect them to fix after all this time - is the camera. Apparently, the developers still haven't figured out that when you're climbing on the ceiling, you would like to see WHAT THE FUCK is under you. They had it right way back in the PSX days. Why did they change it, and more importantly, why didn't they change it back knowing full well it's not working. This gets especially annoying when you're playing as Noir and the camera is so fuckin determine to point to you and the wall instead of the people who needs to be taken down.

If you are a Spider-Man fan, you pretty much need to get....yup it was 4. Spider-Man 2, 3, Ultimate, and Web of Shadows. Damn; that's 4 Spider-Man games where you swing around fuckin New York. You know, I've heard people complain about the fact that it's not open-world anymore. If you are one of these people, get the fuck over it. You have 4 (count 'em 4) games where you swing around NY. Why do you need a fifth game where you're doing the exact same thing!? Just play one of the old ones. The rest of us are gonna go play Shattered Dimensions and have fun.

Rating: Sweet

NOTE: I think Madame Web was on the old Spider-man cartoon, the one from 1994.

What 3D Sonic Got Right

Yes, I like to bash on Sonic games...A LOT. It's just so amazing how someone so iconic could crash so easily. Because of this, Sonic has been ripped time and time again, and rightfully so. The games have been outright terrible, so much so that they had to put him back to 2D for Sonic 4. Well, some people have cried foul on this saying people like me only focus on the bad. Yes, they're saying we shouldn't just focus on the bad despite the fact the game overall is bad....true. So today, let's please the fanboys for once and see what 3D Sonic games got right.

Sonic Adventure:
In 1999, this was the 3D Sonic game fans wanted...as long as you only played as Sonic. Sonic ran a good speed, the camera was decent, and the stage layout was great. The story was very well put together.

Sonic Adventure 2:
Once again the running is good, and the new grind ability adds a whole new dimension to the formula. The game also runs faster at 60 fps as oppose to SA's 30 fps. It also introduced Shadow, probably a necessary anti-Sonic.

Sonic Heroes:
Who would have thought team based gameplay would work with Sonic? Also, with the exception of Team Chaotix, it was all about getting from point A to point B. Special stages came back too.

Shadow the Hedgehog:
Sega finally fleshed out his character while also answering some questions left behind from Sonic Adventure 2 and Sonic Heroes.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2006:
Not a god damn thing.

Sonic and the Secret Rings:
They had a good idea; make Sonic control somewhat like a car. It makes sense given his style of movement. Having mission-based gameplay is also a plus as it normally didn't require you to slow down to backtrack (not like you could in this game anyway).

Sonic Unleashed:
Running stages are the most fun you can have with 3D Sonic. In the Wii version, you get a more manageable, streamlined experience compared to the HD versions. It may bore you, but it won't annoy you.

Sonic Riders:
Ummm...reminds me of F-Zero?

Sonic and the Black Knight:
Graphics look great for a Wii game....yup.

Yea, as you can see, there's not a lot of positive, but hey, we tried. Honestly, I don't see why people continue to defend these games. Blind loyalty is a bitch, aint it? Anyway, I'm done, and it'll be a cold day in hell before I start talking about Sonic again.

[Neil]: Sonic 4

.........ah fuck.

Madden 11

In my online franchise, Aaron Rodgers is the only offensive player with a forced fumble. You're about to see why.

JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (Retro)

Heard of this game? Of course you didn't. How could you?  It was one of those games that only hardcore fight and/or anime fans knew about, unless you were one of the few who went out on a limb and actually bought it just to see what it would be like. Now I say anime, but this game is actually based on the manga, which has some key differences. I guess that really doesn't matter since none of that came overseas. The game was released in America in 1999 for Playstation and Dreamcast. The anime didn't show up until 2003 and the manga 2005. So what was the purpose of bringing it over here? Well, the only reason I can think of is that back then Capcom was shooting fighting games out the ass every 5 minutes. It got so crazy, Capcom even created a points club for gamers called the Capcom Edge. Every time you bought a Capcom game, you earned points that could be used for gear like t-shirts and duffel bags and shit like that. So Capcom may have figured that people would buy it simply because of the points and the fact it was a fighting game. Now I don't know if that's true, but it's the only semi-logical reason I can think of. I've only just finished watching the anime and the third arch of the manga, so I decided to pick this up just for shits and giggles. As soon as I popped it in, one thing became quickly apparent....this game is old.

In the Dreamcast version, this is a port of 2 Japanese arcade games: JoJo's Venture and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, with both games in the disc. JoJo's Venture is the orginal game, and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure is the updated version, kinda like Street Fighter 4 and Super Street Fighter 4. Now why on Earth would you need to put the same game twice on one disc? I'm obviously just gonna play Bizarre Adventure since it has more shit. The arcade game was made in 1997, and it shows in the DC version. The made no effect to up the visuals in this game, and the audio sounds so dated. Even the N64 is capable of better sound. That's acceptable for the PS1 version, but not the Dreamcast. There are only 2 modes: story mode and challenge mode which is basically a survival mode. There's also two player, but that's a gimmie for fighting games. The story is just absolute shit. I don't mean the story in general; that's awesome. I mean the way the game handles it. This game doesn't explain shit to you. So many important pieces are missing and plot twist happen for no reason. If you didn't read the manga or watch the anime, which NOBODY FUCKING COULD DO in 1999, you were at a loss most of the time. Why in the ass would you not change it so that the story would be understandable knowing full well nobody has seen any JoJo related media? With shitty sound, aged visual, incomprehensible story, and lacking in feature, it's no wonder why nobody owned this game. Despite that, all is forgiven when you actually play it and realize a very important fact...

It's a 2D fighter....made by Capcom....

You should definitely check out the anime and the manga if you get a chance. As for the game, the fighting is good...well...actually it's fuckin awesome, but everything else doesn't make it worth it unless you find it cheap. If you actually own a copy, do NOT get rid of it. That game might be worth some money.

Mortal Kombat 2 (Retro)

A long time ago, my mom gave me a choice between a Super Nintendo and a Sega Genesis, and I picked the Genesis. After playing MK2 at my cousin's house for SNES, I had to get it for the Genesis. While it was still the hotness, you don't know how important buttons are until you realize you're missing a few. Having less buttons than any other version of the game (not counting handheld systems), the Genesis turned a already hard game into a bitch.

With only 3 buttons, you don't get many moves, especially when you can't figure out how to low punch. Most of my matches broke down into me just using the roundhouse kick or uppercut (TOASTY!). One of my biggest problems was the absence of a block button. I tried holding back like in Street Fighter, but that didn't work. So I got my ass handed to me over and over again. Once I figured out how to actually beat people, I realized I didn't know any fatalities, so I press pause and went to call my cousin to see if he can find some for me. There was no internet back then (damn I feel old) so he had to check his game magazines for them. After I wrote them down, I went back to my game to find out my guy died a long time ago and I'm back at the main menu. After a hissy fit that involved breaking several items, I started over again to see what went wrong, and that's when it hit me.

The start button is block!? THE START BUTTON IS BLOCK!!??

So how to I pause the game? The game laugh at me and said "Pause? Bitch, this is Mortal Kombat; you don't get no pause. Fight to the end pussy." Well the good news was I finally had a block button so fighting was easier. The bad news was I had to use the bathroom. That's the thing about the old MK games. It was one of those game series where you needed friends to play single player. Whenever somebody loss, he passed it to the next person in a vain attempt to get farther up the ladder only to get beat by someone with 4 arms. Good times.

Top Ten Racing Games

Who doesn't want to climb into a ten ton supercharged machine and tear ass on 4 four and sometimes 2 wheels? Nobody, and that's why racing games are awesome! This list celebrates the best of the best.


10. Ridge Racer - PSX
When my friend bought her Playstation, it came with a demo of Ridge Racer. It was one car, one track, and we played for hours. One car! One track! So you can imagine the amount of time we lost we she got the full version. Why were we so addicted? Never had we played a racing game before where the cars drift...THEY DRIFT!



9. DiRT - PS3, PC, and 360
This game did something I never thought was possible: it made me care a rally car racing. It had great tracks, super tight and responsive controls, and an incredible sense of speed. This is one of the few games where doing a time trial was actually fun.



8. San Fransisco Rush - Arcades
As much as I like Rush 2 and Rush 2049, the original holds a special place in my heart. There have been many 3D racers, but this was the first one where you could crash and burn.....as in your car would explode! Burning rubber takes the literal meaning in this bitch. Add crazy shortcuts and you got yourself one kickass arcade racer.



7. Midnight Club 3 Dub Edition Remix - PS2 and Xbox
Remember when The Fast and the Furious came out and street racing became the most popular thing ever? This game represented all that was FUN about it. Midnight Night has always been know for it open world style and create your own route gameplay, but number 3 added real license car that were fully customizable. The Greatest/Platinum hits version called Remix makes the list for adding new cars and the city of Tokyo for MC2.



6. F-Zero -SNES
Besides the colorful graphics, blazing speeds, a cool soundtrack, and great original gameplay, F-Zero can be some up in one simple statement...........this bitch is hard.


5. Burnout Revenge - Xbox 360
Burnout Paradise is fun, but I'm not really feeling the open world Midnight Club style gameplay. Burnout is best played on tracks with laps and lots of shit in your way that can cause a catastrophic amount of damage. Actually, Burnout Paradise can do that too. So what makes Revenge special? Crash mode!


4. Gran Turismo 4 - PS2
Yes fanboys, it's only number 4. Suck it. With that said Gran Turismo is the reason we have racing sims at all, and the 4th installment is the best of them all with what was at the time the most realistic car controls ever and graphics that looked better than anything on the PS2. Seriously, put GT4 in HD (like they did God of War) and you will see it holds up to many PS3 games.


3. Mario Kart 64 - N64
One of the only 2 racing games on the list that doesn't actually use cars, Mario Kart is addictive as all hell. Yes, the racing was faster on Double Dash and Wii, but what puts 64 on the list is its battle mode. No Mario Kart has had a battle mode as fun as the 64 game. Why I don't know, and it's a damn shame.


2. Forza Motorsport 3 - 360
Making the GT fans even angrier, its Forza at number 3. This game has the best career mode of any racing sim out there and has a level of customizable paint job never seen before. The most important aspect is that it's extreme assessable to newbies with all its assists. Take the assists off, and we're looking at Forza 2 difficulty, sliding all over the place...pisses me off....


Gran Turismo, Forza, and Mario Kart not making number 1? Really? Not even Burnout or Midnight Club? What in God's name can be number 1 then? Some of you may already have an idea where I'm going with this since I left out probably the most popular racing series in video games, but the game I have at number one will have everyone wondering what the hell is wrong with me. At the same time, it'll have everyone who played it smiling as they all have fond memories of it.


1. Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit 2 - PS2
This...game...is...the awesome! Your goal was finishing the race in first place while the police were trying to bust your ass, and the police were actually good at their job. We're talking rockblocks, spike strips, and fuckin helicopters dropping exploding barrels from the sky. This game was absolutely fuckin nuts. It's not like other Need For Speed games that feature cops. It's not an open world. You don't have to lose the cops once the race is over. Hell, sometimes the race isn't even over when the cops manage to pull you over. They give you a ticket and send you on your way. This formula is much better than any of the new shit they did (cough cough Most Wanted cough) and even though it's open world, let's hope the new Hot Pursuit can replicate what made number 2 fun. Also keep in mind I'm talking about the PS2 version, not the Xbox and Gamecube version which plays differently for some reason.