People seem to get the wrong idea about me and my fandom of Sonic. Half the people think that I just love to bash the holy shit out of it, so I play them just for providing me ammo, and the other half feel I'm so dedicated to the blue fucker that I just can't let my NON-GAY, NON-FURRY love for him die, so I keep playing. Both sides couldn't be more wrong yet be very close right. Any new Sonic game I play now is because I'm doing it for the blog, or I'm really curious about how they fucked it up this time. For me, I was pretty much done with Sonic the Hedgehog after the game Shadow the Hedgehog, which was undeniably horrible to the point of herpes. After that, I never bought another Sonic game until I was asked to do a review on Sonic Unleashed (my fourth review here). Every other game I've played was either rented, borrowed, or pirated off the internet (which I no longer do and I no longer endorse) because I knew they were shitty, but I was so curious as to how shitty they were I couldn't help it. It's like when your friend is known for doing stupid shit and you just can't help but to watch. The funny thing about Sonic is that when I expect terrible, I normally get something worse, and when you can't live up to low expectations, that is the saddest shit in the world. And if you really want to know whats really sad, they FINALLY made the definitive 3D sonic game....and they had to actually find a way to fuck it up. I mean, they really had to fuckin search deep within their souls to figure it out, and they came up with the werehog. So now that I am thoroughly convinced that Sega is purposely making terrible Sonic games (probably because they like fuckin with fans), I go into this game knowing it will be terrible. Why would anyone believe this kart...racing...game...would....oh shit. This aint a real Sonic game. Whoops. My bad.
Holy hell, the rip-offs just keep coming. It's bad enough Dante's inferno is a straight rip of God of War; now Sega's doing it with Mario Kart Wii. Now, this is by no means the first time someone copied off of Mario Kart (*cough cough* Crash Team Racing cough*). In fact, this isn't the first time SEGA has copied off of Mario Kart (*cough cough Sonic Drift cough*). I guess the question is if all this copying bad. Well, for originality yea, but if can pull it off like Bayonetta and Darksiders did or what Dante's Inferno tried to do, then you have a great game on your hands, which leads to the next question. Are you willing to pay for a game you probably already have and/or played the holy hell out of? In this case, why the hell not? Besides, if you don't own a Wii, what choice do you have? Well...you can...choose...not....to play....at all, but the point is this is an awesome exact copy that should be played. Too bad this isn't really a Sonic game. There would have been joy in my heart.
First off, the average person may not know half the racers in this bitch. The roster isn't so much a 'who's who' of classic characters but more of a 'who's that' kind of thing. You'll know the Sonic characters who make up a good chunk of the roster, but why not just stick to the Sonic class, and why the fuck is Big the Cat here!? Check out the line-up. There's Beat from Jet Grind Radio for the Dreamcast, but the game ignores that and just references Jet Set Radio Future for the Xbox. Why it's called Jet Grind Radio in America when the rest of the world calls it Jet Set Radio is fuckin beyond me. There's Amigo from Samba de Amigo For Dreamcast and Wii. Okay, there's someone people might know. AiAi from Super Monkey Ball is also sorta well known. There's Jacky and Akira from Virtua Fighter and BD Joe from Crazy Taxi. After that.....who the fuck are these guys? There's Ulala from Space Channel 5, a game nobody bought on the fuckin Dreamcast. There's Ryu Hazuki from Shemmue one, two, and thr.....I-I mean one and two. Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg star Billy makes an appearance, but non-Wii owners may not know who he is. Well, he was on Gamecube so maybe. Then we really dip into crazy. The ChuChus from ChuChu Rocket? Robo and Mobo from Bonanza Bros.? What? Opa-Opa from Fantasy Zone? And here's the kicker. Zobio and Zobiko are in this game. Who are they you ask? EXACTLY! They're from House of the Dead EX, a game that was released in Europe and never saw the light of day in America. Aint that a bitch. Oh and there's also Alex Kidd. A lot of people don't know that Sonic wasn't Sega's original mascot. It was this little boy who had a game for the Sega Master System. I don't know why they just stopped with Alex Kidd though. They should bring him back just for the hell of it. Now that's the roster for every version of the game except maybe for DS, but we 360 owners get an exclusive character (YAY!). It's Banjo and Kazooie (BOO!). What? Their N64 games were awesome. Sure Nuts N Bolts fell flat, but still. Some of you are probably wondering about Nights from....well, the Nights series. Well Nights is the flag holder in case you were. Of course, being a rating E game, some people were omitted for obvious reason like people from Golden Axe and House of the Dead, although HOTD is referenced in the game as Curien Mansion (I think that's the name of the game in Germany). Would be interesting to see if any more racers show up as downloadables, but I doubt it. If it does, don't expect Bayonetta.
After defeating Robotnik, Sonic is chilling at a beach side resort where he gets an invitation to participate in a race. After reassuring that this will be nothing like Sonic Riders, Sonic decides to enter the race. The catch is that it's a car race, so Sonic isn't allow to run. After getting hooked up with a car from Tails, he and the rest of the man-animals head towrads the competition where not only do they run into people from different universes who all got the same invite, Robotnik was there too. At first, it seemed like some sort of ploy by the fatman, but Robotnik was able to prove he got the same invite as everyone else and is unaware of what's going on. A figure instantly appears over the contestants and explains to all that they will all be racing for his amusement, and the winner will get a cash prize and be hailed as the best racer alive. What the racers don't know is that this mysterious man, Dio, is actually plotting to fuse all the universes together and rule them all at once. What I really love about this story is that.....I made it up and there is no story. It's a fuckin Kart racing game; of course there's no story. Pick a character and get your monkey ass (no offense AiAi and Amigo) across that finish line.
Well, I'm four paragraphs in, and I barely talked about the game at all besides the roster, but I'm assuming everyone has played Mario Kart or some ripoff so it feels pointless to really get into it. One thing about Sonic & Sega is that you really can't get far without learning how to drift properly, even more-so than Mario Kart. Even on Beginner, you need to drift or you won't win. Almost every weapon in this game has a Mario Kart counterpart except for two: A missile that explodes when you deicde, and the All-Star moves. All-Star moves are specials moves each racer has to help them get to the front of the pack, and each move is different per person. I guess the best way to describe it would be to compare it to the smash ball from Super Smash Bros. Brawl or the star from Mario Kart except more flamboyant. I thank Christ that this game doesn't have a equivalent to the blue shell because that shit pisses me off in Mario Kart. I only have two gripes with the game. When playing online, the game always starts out buggy and laggy as all hell. It eventually catches up, but still annoying. Then there's the fact you can't pick different cars for people. I know that's a small complaint, but fuck you; I want choices.
How should I end this post? Should I go out with a joke? No, not this time. Should I bash Sonic some more? No, I'm tired of doing that. Need to do something different. Reference another commercial like I did for Dark Sector? No. Maybe I should talk more about the gameplay, but what's there to talk about? Hmmm. Okay, I got it. Sonic & Sega All-Star Racing is...what...really....right now? Can't this wait till I finish.....okay fine
Rating: Fuckin Awesome, Sweet, Meh, Ass, Red Ring of Death
NOTE: Bayonetta would have been awesome. Her car would be shaped like a shoe made of hair and her All-Star would be summoning monster to bite other drivers. That would kick ass.
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