Batman: Arkham Asylum

I don't think many people thought this game would be decent, let alone be one of the best games of the year. Batman and video games never really seemed to get along in the past. There have been of couple of good ones in the SNES days, but for the most part, Batman games suck donkey balls. In fact, with the exception of MK vs DC, DC has no good games to its name except the aforementioned SNES Batman. Going into this, it's totally understandable to think this is a waste of time, but then you play it, and you're silenced by its awesomeness. It's been a long ass time since a game has made my jaw drop (Grand Theft Auto 3 I think), but Batman has so many kick-ass moments that about half way in, my jaw was on the floor for the rest of the game (it broke off...call a doctor). Even if you know very little about the bat, you still feel like this game does him justice, which is more than what I can say about Jason Bourne and his game. Dude, imagine Batman and Bourne working together. That would be sweet.

I said make me a balloon animal dammit!

The story begins with Batman bringing Joker back to the asylum in his ultra sleek, badass Batmobile...hey why don't I add that into Club BadAss? Anyway, feeling that Joker gave up too easily, Batman decides to escort the loony into the asylum. Well, the Bat was right. Soon, Joker gets loose and frees the inmates. Now all hell has broken loose, and it's up to Bats to fix everything the only way he knows how: extreme violence. Keep in mind that this is Arkham Asylum: the place where Batman brings all crazies he catches. Normally, I would say a hero is screwed, but this is Batman. There's nothing a punch to the dick can't solve.

There are 3 elements to Arkham Asylum: combat, exploration, and stealth, and each is done very well. Normally, no one really gives a shit about exploration, but here, exploring has its own rewards. The riddler has left trophies and...well riddles...all over Arkham, and finding them unlock challenge rooms. The combat is probably the most satisfying part of the game, as it should be. If kicking ass ain't fun, then what's the point (like oneechingchang...still doing oneechanbara jokes apparently)? The controls are simple enough: X to attack, Y to counter, B to stun, and A to dodge. You think with only one attack button, you can just button mash, but noooooo mister video game man; it's not that simple. You need to balance all of the four buttons (when called for) and time everything right, or else you'll know first hand what a human fist taste like. There's this one glitch in the combat that may be the best glitch ever. One of Batman's move is him jumping on a downed opponent sternum and punching him in the face for the knockout. Sometimes though, he lands on their face and punches them in the dick. I'm pretty sure that wasn't done on purpose, but I'm glad it wasn't fixed. The punch in the dick always results in a knockout, too. Makes sense. The stealth element surprised the hell out of me in the fact that I liked it. My friends know I hate stealth, but I had fun picking people off one by one without being seen. The fact that Batman can hide in the rafters (and the enemies never fuckin look up) makes stealth easy, and him assortment of moves and gadgets are cool to use. The best part is that stealth isn't the main part of the game. It's regulated to certain parts of the game where goons bust out the guns. It doesn't happen as often as you think.

Ah! Bats hate light you douche!

So, you know all this stuff already. It's been over a month already so you should have heard all the praises by now. Question is, is there anything wrong with the game? Sure, I can find something to complain about. First is the run button. Why is their a run button? I thought we ditched that kind of thing when they created the analog stick for the N64. When you're not holding down the button, he does this slow walk like one of his bat gadgets curled up into his ass. Until you get used to it, making a getaway can be problematic. The boss battle are just down right disappointing. Bane was a challenge the first time through, but really, it's like the developers ran out of ideas when it came to boss battles. The most disappointing is the encounter with Killer Kroc. At first, it freaked me right the fuck out, but when I finished it, I was saying "....that's it?" As for the challenge maps, the only way to unlock them is doing the Riddler's challenges. After you beat the game, you can go back and solve the puzzles, but it's so fuckin boring. I understand you want to give people a reason to solve these, but c'mon. I want my damn maps.

So many options at this point

Unless Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 proves me wrong (and it probably will), Batman is the game of 2009. You know it, I know it, Batman knows it, and Rocksteady knows it. It's been said that they are already working on the sequel. Kinda hard to see where this can go from here, but then again, I couldn't imagine a game like this to begin with. Just remember to make the boss battles fun, okay guys?

Rating: Fuckin Awesome

NOTE: ..........I'm Batman!