Challenge Over

Well, I did it. One month; over 31 posts. Now obviously I'm not gonna do this again any time soon because it was just hard as all hell, but it's nice to know I can do it even if some of them are pretty half-assed. For those who been reading and watching every day, I thank you and I hope you continue to log in. Now I'm go take a break because I am video game burnt out.

You Know What Pisses Me Off.....

......People who talk out their asses about topics they know nothing about. My favorite one is  the one where they go "bla bla bla is damaging our kids." Now I can talk about this all day about this, but for now, let me give you my theories as to why they do this in terms of video games. Notice how I say theories and not using speculations to pass off as fuckin facts!

1. The 6 o' clock new
Notice how whenever there's an outbreak of some virus, everybody rushes to the hospital the minute they have so much as a cough. This is in part because the news makes a monstrous deal out of it. Sometimes it's warranted (like the bird and swine flu epidemics), but more times than not it's not that big of a deal, and the news just makes it seem that way. Why? Because you're gonna watch. Same thing with video games. The minute some parent buys a rated M game by accident, the news will fuckin run with it because they know parents are gonna watch. Whether or not it's accurate is irrelevant. Fow News: go fuck yourselves!

2. No one knows the fuckin rating system
This is probably the biggest problem. When people come to me at work asking for a game for their kids and I tell them it's rated M for mature, the first thing they ask is "What does that mean?" or they give this completely dumbfounded look. Point is if they know about the rating system, they will stop wondering why these games are made for kids because they will know these games aren't made for kids, but then again....

3. They don't wanna know
....maybe they don't give a flying fuck. Maybe they just don't wanna learn about them. Maybe they want these violent game gone simply so they can just blindly buy whatever the kid wants. One less thing to worry about right? Listen, we're not getting rid of M games because you're too lazy to do fuckin research.

4. Polititions
I used to think that the people finally caught on to political bullshit, especially after the Bush administration, but after New Jersey voted Chris Christie as governor, I couldn't have been more wrong. People really are sheep.

5. Some people are just downright ass retarded

6. People don't kids credit.
I think people think kids are completely incapable of reasonable thought. Seriously, if you think your kid is dumb enough to copy some of the most dangerous shit in games, it says more about you than him/her. Kids know right from wrong; that's why they lie when they want a certain video game and pause it whenever their parents walk in the room.

VG Exiles

Someone asked me to share these, so I said cool. Not the creator though, which would have been cool.

Retro Review - Deathrow

It's not really a retro review if the game came out last generation, is it? Ah well, let's roll with it. Deathrow is one of those games that...well...no one has ever heard of it. No press release, no commercial, no friend telling you how good or bad it is, nothing. I mention this game and people give me that WTF look. So if it's so unheard of, why the hell is amazon.com charging so much? Fuckers. Anyway, Deathrow is about the made up sport sometime in the future called Blitz, which is a cross of hockey, basketball, ultimate frisbee, and MMA, and it all works quite well depending on which mode you play on. The goal is to score as many points as possible by throwing a disc into the opponents goal. You're free to whoop your opponents ass as you see fit (i.e. all the fuckin time). If rules are on, you can't hit someone when they're down. Sounds like something you want to do, but remember the AI takes full advantage of that rule too. It is possible to beat up on some till they can't get up anymore, and when you take out the whole team, you've won no matter what the score is or how much time is left on the clock. There are 4 quarters, and between each quarter, you can manage players' health, assuming you have enough money for it.


Season mode is really all about beating every team all the way up to the top. Each team has different tactics. Some like to coordinate offensive schemes, some are very defensive, and some are just in it to beat the living shit out of you, and unless your team can match that aggression, you're gonna wish you had rules on. There are two views: one is the sports view and one is the action view. The sports view looks like the camera angle from most hockey video games with the camera hovering over the action. The action cam puts the camera right behind the player you're controlling. For some reason, the arena you play in depends on what view you're in. The sports view plays fine, and get a friend to join and you can some damn good games of Blitz going. This is probably the most fun I ever had playing a fake sport. Then there's the action cam. Tell me if this makes sense. Left stick moves and looks, right stick strafe left and right. Does that make sense? NO! The controls are fuckin horrendous! Okay, Okay, I understand it was 2002, and the whole left stick to move - right stick to look things wasn't that well known or implemented then...actually YES IT WAS! What the fuck were they thinking? Didn't they see that this shit didn't work? I have never played movement controls so bad in my life. Somehow, they brought out the best and worst in me all in one sitting. One minute it's a great game; the next it's a piece of shit. I say if you can find it for cheap, pick it up and stay on sports view.

NOTE: I was told there was a way to change the controls, but I couldn't figure out how to change the sticks. Apparently, some people have no problem with the controls which I believe is fuckin amazing. Those are some well-trained hands.                                                       

Sonic Shorts

Well, we're 27 days into this and I keep running into the same problem, I don't know what to talk about. So here some more videos.











Yea, I'm being lazy. So what? Fuck you.

Q & A

Q: Did you hear that Sonic 4 is delayed till fall for quality control?
A: If only they did that for Sonic Unleashed. Then again it would be delayed to 2012

Q: Have you figured out how to keep everyone alive in Mass Effect 2?
A: No and it's pissing me off. It's always fuckin Jack dying! STAY ALIVE BITCH!

Q: Where do you get the money for all those games?
A: It's the damnest thing, I don't know. Somehow I always have money for what I need, and then money for all these games. It's un-fuckin-believable. I think when I go to sleep, I sleeppimp. I think that's what I do. Some people sleepwalk or sleepeat. I sleeppimp. It's the only way to explain it. While I'm snoring I'm smacking bitches for asking questions.

Q: What will be your next game?
A: *SMACK* Bitch, don't ask me no question.

Q: Lakers or Suns?
A: What are those, renewable power sources? Suns I understand, although I don't know when you're gonna find another sun, but what the fuck is a laker? Let's see, a lake is a body of water, so a laker would have to do something in a lake. Is it a type of dam? So are talking water energy? Well, you know, both solutions sound like great alternate power sources, but I'm gonna go with the most reliable of them all...Kobe Bryant.

Q: Who is your favorite character?
A: GI Joe with the kung fu grip. Oh, you mean in video games. Well..ummm...it would have to be........GI Joe with the kung fu grip.

Q: How come you don't make any videos?
A: I tried, but the girl won't get naked in front of the camera. Keeps talking about "I don't want my body all over the internet" and I'm like "Don't worry; it'll only be on my laptop," but she still wouldn't play ball. Sigh* Ah well. I guess I can make video game videos in the near future.

Q: Stop baggin on Sonic so much. What's he ever done to you?
A: ......Ahem* Sonic Adventure 2, Sonic Shuffle, Sonic the Fighters, Sonic R, Sonic 3D Blast, Shadow the Hedgehog, Tails Patrol, Knuckles Chaotix..........

Q: Why do parents have such a problem with video games?
A: ....Sonic the Hedgehog for 360, Sonic Riders, Sonic and the Secrets Rings, Sonic and the Black Knight, Sonic Unleashed, Big the Cat in any he's in, Sonic R again!........

Q: When can we expect any Wii reviews?
A: You can expect them when you want to, but the fact of the matter is I don't own a Wii. Funny story: I finally saved up enough money to buy the damn Wii, and the week I decided I wanted to get it, fuckin 360 went on the benz. The shit overheated for no fuckin reason and just cut off randomly. It was my 3rd 360 too, so I was gonna call it quits, but then I remembered I kinda needed it for this blog, so I used the money to buy a brand new 360. The fan is so quiet on the newer models. The old ones sounds like they're about to blast off or some shit.

Q: When are you gonna review No More Heroes 2?
A: Ahem* look up.

Q: Have you ever stopped and think you play too much video games?
A: I tried, but then I got bored and started playing video games.

Q: You know what would make Split/Second better?
A: Ninjas.

Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands

I'm a fan of the Prince of Persia series starting with the Sands of Time. I always said gaming needs more puzzle platformers, and this is as good as it gets. There was a little hiccup with Warrior Within (it sucked), but the ship was righted with The Two Thrones and the book was closed on an epic storyline. 2008 introduced us to a new prince...who for some reason was not a prince (at least not yet; not until he knocks up Elika) and is played by Nolan North, the guy who does the voice of pretty much every single mother fucker in games lately. Jesus, if he keeps this up, he'll put Steve Blum and Cree Summers out of business and that's no easy accomplishment.....and it just occurred to me that you have no idea who I'm talking about. Despite the overused voice and a wardrobe that looks like a runaway ninja crashed into a Skittles factory, 2008's POP was a good game all around and a good launch pad for the next trilogy. I was getting syked about what they would for a sequel, then I finally got to see that the new POP...has nothing...to do....with this contingency.....wait what?

To make as much money as they can off the new movie coming soon, Ubisoft released a game in the Sand of Time storyline, effectively confusing everybody including me who thought they were fuckin done with that storyline and moved on. There's gonna be some trouble when both games are shelved side by side at Gamestop. You play as the Prince, not to be confused with the Prince who is not yet the Prince but probably will be Prince if he hooks up with...ah fuck that shit; let's just give them names. In the Forgotten Sands, you play as the Sands of Time Prince (who we'll call Sandy). Despite popular belief, this is not based on the movie, nor is this a sequel of the 2008 game starring Reject Ninja. The events takes place after the Sands of Time and before Warrior Within where Sandy visits his brother who despite actually having a name we'll call him Spongebob to keep with the theme here. Spongebob's kingdom is under attack and is about to go down like almost every Xbox 360 before 2009, and in order to save it he's releases the legendary Solomon's Army to aid in this fight. Sadly, evil sand pours from the vault...AGAIN...and creatures I'll called Beach Shoes emerge to destroy everything in their path. Now it's up to Sandy to do what he always does and hop, skip, jump, and repeatedly die his way to victory with some help from the woman who helped seal the Beach Shoes centuries ago: Water Hoes. It's a fine story but doesn't add anything to the overall story-arch. Hell, I don't know if it's really relevant at all. In my opinion, you can put Stone Cold Steve Austin in the game and it wouldn't make a difference, and in hindsight that might be for the best. We don't need a side project to fuck up to story here. Ask Metal Gear Solid fans.


As I describe the gameplay, stop me if this sounds familiar. You will run, jump, climb walls, climb poles, jump from pole to pole, wall jump, wall jump repeatedly between 2 walls, run on walls, run up walls, hang from poles, swing from poles, balance on beams, jump from beam to beam, dodge traps, solve puzzles, and inevitably fail a lot at trying to do all of the above. It's a tried and true formula that never gets old despite how many times I do it. It's one of those games where you say to yourself "Okay, I'll stop at the next checkpoint", and you're still playing 7 checkpoints later. Instead of sand, all your powers are given to you by Water Hoes to do what you need to to get from point A to point B. You can also upgrade Sandy like every other action game, making his health and attacks unfairly awesome, which leads to the biggest and probably only worth-noting change: combat. Instead of the stiff combat of Sandy's past games or Reject Ninja's stupid ass one on one move as slowly as possible duels, combat in this game is a little more fluid and a hellava lot more fun once you upgrade yourself to badass proportions. Not only that, but as much as 50 Beach Shoes can be on-screen at once. If you can win that fight without getting hit:
1) send a video of it, and
2) let's see you do that shit on Batman
If there's one thing that Reject Ninja has on Sandy, it's that he has a partner who won't let him die, unlike Sandy who is only as alive as how often you're allowed to do a rewind. Now I know everyone made a big deal about not being able to die in Reject's game, but after playing Sandy's game, I can confidently say that you guys can shut the fuck up about it. In the Forgotten Sands, it's filled with so many save points. It seems like every time I go into another room, the game autosaves. It's funny how everyone likes how you can die in this game, but the effect is still the same. Am I the only one noticing this shit? Yea, in Forgotten Sands, you go back a little further, but a lot of times I don't even use my rewind because I know I'll spawn close by. How is that much different from Reject Ninja getting saved by Floaty Bitch? At the end of the day, Reject Ninja made you feel like you got bailed out, whereas Sandy makes you feel like you can't fail, but it's the same shit.


Rating: Sweet


NOTE: What was that? A closing paragraph? Bitch, I got 2 posts to do today. I don't have time for a closing paragraph.