Brutal Legend

Okay, I don't really know much about Metal. In fact, all I know is what I heard on Rock Band and episodes of Metalocalypse (on adult swim), so I was wondering if Brutal Legend would be something I can get into, especially since the game is so metal up the ass I expect the disc to jump out of my xbox, grab Guitar Hero, and just rip Dragonforce on expert...and 5 star it. Luckily, you don't have to know much about metal, but if you don't know the difference between emo and glam rock, then chances are you're gonna miss some of the references. Remember: one style of rock is filled with a bunch of pussies who's gender and sexuality are constantly in question as they parade around stage, and the other is glam rock......I wonder how many people are going to get that joke. Speaking of jokes, every caption under the pictures in this review will feature a line from the video game (which may or may not be accurate). Observe.

AH HA! I knew it! Big ugly demon!

The game stars Jack Black who plays Jack Black who reprises the role of Jack Black as Eddie Riggs who for the sake of this review, we'll call Jack Black, and it just occurred to me that I kinda ripped off Yahtzee from the escapist. Jack Black is the world's best roadie who's working for the world's worst band, and if you played the demo, you know EXACTLY what I mean. You may also know that an accident causes blood to fall on Jack Black's badass belt buckle and summons the God of Rock to come forth and transport him into a new world that looks like the shoebox of a metal fan filled with album covers. The humans in this world are all slaves to the evil dude you see above, and it's up to Jack Black to save everyone by killing everyone else. Metal. The cool thing about the world is that EVERYTHING is metal related. There's even an animal who's skeleton can be used as a gun. Awesome (too bad you can't use it). It's a cool world to look at and explore....for maybe the first hour. Then you realize that unless you're doing side-quests, the open world is fuckin pointless. Actually, no, it's not pointless, just tedious. In order to find news moves or upgrades, you have to drive around to find them, and that gets real boring real fast.

I do this for the fans

The gameplay is simple enough. A is your melee attack, X is your magic attack, B is your block, and Y is the action button. Wait......where the fuck is the jump button? Oh you got to be shitting me. How can he not jump? Sigh* Okay, so he can't jump, but he can fight and that's what important. After you adjust to not having a fuckin jump button (minus one point, guys), the game is your typical hack and slash. You run to an area, you clear house, you rock on. Simple. After a while, you can recruit people to fight along side you for missions, which is cool because going it alone can lead to having your balls ripped out and fed to......

or one of the many many many things that want you dead. Afterward, you can assemble an army to go against other armies to....see....if......what the fuck? Real time strategy? I thought this was an adventure game. Seriously, you build a stage which is your main base, you set up merchandise stands for supplies which are actually fans, you spawn troops from the stage depending on your fans, and...oh, I guess that's it. It's really light on the whole RTS thing. If Halo Wars is an RTS for beginners, then Brutal Legend is for fuckin babies. All you do is amass a large force and point at anything you didn't create. There's really nothing to it, and it's simple enough so that you don't fuck up real bad, but this isn't what I came for. I wanted to kill legions of emos to the sounds of Motorhead, not this shit. The one thing I do like is that when your army is getting it's ass kicked, you can go down there and handle it yourself; an RTS first, although I'm still not sure if this really is an RTS. If this paragraph is confusing you, now you know how I feel. It's so hard to explain. Ah, fuck it. The story is funny, and that along with the fighting is what is important. Too bad you spend most of the time in the RTS.

ASS - KICKERS UNITE!

Honestly, I don't know what to make of Brutal Legend. It's not bad enough to be Meh, but it's not good enough to be Sweet. Having Jack Black in it was good, but the RTS sections weren't that great. The combat is good, but there's no fuckin jump button. The story is funny, but it gets more serious towards the end. The world looks very imaginative, but there's really nothing fun to do in it. Hmmmm......

Rating: Meh with a dash of Sweet

Yea, that sounds about right.

NOTE: Don't let the picture on top of the site fool you. I'm not doing a Borderlands review. I don't have that kind of time to play it. Yes, I purposely left the pic with the metal spider without a caption. No, I will not response to that guy's comment about Madden vs 2K5. Yes, I really am doing an Uncharted 2 review for no apparent reason. No, the Sonic blog is not over and done with just yet. Yes, I am getting DJ Hero. No, I'm not sure if I'll review it. Yes, I am single ladies. No, you don't have to fight over me.