Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Birthday Wishlist

IT"S MY BIRTHDAY! Like every other year, I plan on asking for a bunch of shit I probably will never get (new car, paid off student loans, sex with my girlfriend, etc), but it doesn't hurt to ask. This time around, I'm aiming my wishlist towards the game developers. I take a list of my favorite games, and I say what I want to be added, deleted, or changed. See if you agree.


GHOSTBUSTERS:

Let me drive the fuckin Ecto-1
Give me partners that don't need reviving every 5 minutes
Stop making me do all the work


UFC 2009: UNDISPUTED:
Limit the Flash KOs
Give people who disconnect the loss. Don't make the match invalid.


GEARS OF WAR 2:
If it takes a thousand bullets to kill someone online, why even bother with a cover system?


SONIC THE HEDGEHOG:

How about a script that doesn't sound like it was written by Sesame Street
Stop with the fuckin game-changing gimmicks
Stop letting Sonic Team develop your games
Stop telling us you have the core fanbase in mind when you clearly don't
Kill half of the cast (We need Sonic, a less pussy version of Tails, and Knuckles)
Concentrate on running AND RUNNING ALONE!
Stop trying to be like Mario
Could you please cover Rogue's cleavage (or better yet, KILL HER)
No more beastiality (that was creepy in the first 360 game)
Get new voice actors
Get music that's actually good
Stop with the cliche stages (how many times must Sonic go into space? Really?)
STOP CALLING HIM EGGMAN!
Maybe keep Shadow (MAAAAYBE)
Get rid of the Lives systems (we don't need them anymore)
Are checkpoints really necessary for stages that take 2 minutes to beat?
Stop being outdone by the handheld versions
In fact, be more like the handheld versions
Stop ending the game with Supersonic (it's old, predictable, and a DBZ ripoff)
Bring back special stages
Stop with the fuckin useless Hub worlds
No more game lengthening ploys (make a 2 - 3 hour budget title instead)
If you can't do any of that, KILL THE FRANCHISE
And stop giving me reasons to makes a long ass list of complaints


SKATE 2:
Make vert ramp skating easier
Improve the camera angle
Let us build our own parks (not just our own spots)



WWE LEGENDS OF WRESTLEMANIA:

Fix the fuckin control scheme
Focus on the greatest matches of Wrestlemania
Don't just stop at 15; Relive all the Wrestlemainas
Add Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker from WM25 (best match ever)
For the long of god, fix the create an entrance mode


GRAND THEFT AUTO 4 / SAINTS ROW 2:
The formula is getting old. Do something different


STREET FIGHTER 4:
Punish spammers in some way



GUITAR HERO:

Stop milking your franchise!


RED FACTION: GUERRILLA:
Give me more buildings to blow up
Make shooting actually fun
Rockets need to do more damage
Mars sucks!


PROTOTYPE:
Make side missions that are worth a damn
Calm down with all the enemies (it can get too much)
I wanna fly, not glide (and I don't mean with a helicopter)
I can't kill innocent people and be a hero. That's a big ass contradiction
Hunters are fuckin annoying early on. Change that
Isn't a disguise compromised if I jump from a building?
Actually, ignore the question above (the game's hard enough as is)


X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE:
There's too much backtracking; it's like they forgot it's not God of War
Stop jumping back and forth between past and present


BIONIC COMMANDO:
You know I'm gonna complain about the story, right?
You swing at the same speed no matter what. Make swinging better
Make shooting better
And give me more ammo!
Get rid of radiation zones
Don't ever hire Steve Blum again


SPIDER-MAN: WEB OF SHADOWS:
Don't make Peter Parker sound like a bitch again
Make a more interesting story
Fix the framerate
Let me swing around the city when I'm done with the game
This may sound dumb, but how about a new city?
Let Spider-Man go to Tokyo or something to chase down a villian
Who the fuck is Moon Knight!?
No more Marvel trivia
Add Deadpool (not the Wolverine movie version). He's funny


MADDEN NFL:
Stop defenders from developing superpowers to intercept the ball


CALL OF DUTY / MODERN WARFARE:
(FYI: Call of Duty and Modern Warfare are now 2 different franchises)
Stop infinitely spawning enemies when I don't advance
Stop spawning me in the middle of airstrikes
[Update: They decided to put Call of Duty back into the Modern Warfare 2 title]


HALO:

Explain who the fuck the Forerunners are
Make a better story
Add boss fights
Add a RedvsBlue side story (that would be awesome)


ROCK BAND:
Stop letting Guitar Hero kick your ass



WWE SMACKDOWN VS RAW:

Make the controls less complicated
It's time to do something drastically different (you guys are due)
Have downloadable characters that are worth a damn
Be able to import guys from Legends to this game (like they did for SVR)


NBA 2K:
Fix the damn glitches
Make disconnects count as losses
Stop making all big men scorers in the paint (you've gotten better at that)
Give me cheat codes in order to stop Kobe
No more 4th quarter rubber banding (everybody is suddenly clutch)


XBOXLIVE ARCADE:
Make me care you still exist



DRAGONBALL Z BURST LIMIT:

Add more people
Get rid of the drama pieces (they break flow)


MORTAL KOMBAT VS DC UNIVERSE:
Let's not make this game again
It's not bad, but still, don't ever do it again


FABLE 2:
Give me good side shit to do
If my guy is gonna have a wife, at least let's watch them fuck
My kid sucks; Let me kill him




Mass Effect:

More action, less talking
More alien lesbian scenes
Stop glitching


JAPANESE RPGs:
Stop existing



TOM CLANCY'S HAWX:

More online modes
More variety in missions
Make a more believable story



HALO WARS:

More interesting story please


And there you have it: my long ass list of what I wanna see done. If you disagree, well......fuck it.


NOTE: Maybe I should leave Sonic alone now. I know the font size on Ghostbusters and UFC is wrong. I can't fix it. It's a fuckin struggle to do remedial shit on this blog system.


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