Ninja Blade

Video games and ninjas go hand in hand. You're console aint a real console until you have at least 2 ninjas kicking someone's ass. It's against the law not to. Thankfully, the Xbox360 is filled with ninjas who have nothing better to do than murder tons of dudes, but probably the most famous ninja on the brickhouse known as the 360 is none other than Ryu Hayabusa, and rightfully so. I mean, he's number 3 on my badass list for a reason: he quick and agile, he can walk on water, he's a master at many weapon disciplines, knows magic, he breaks the laws of physics more routinely than blinking his eyes, and most importantly he knows how to murder tons of dudes. The chief problem with Ryu's game, Ninja Gaiden, is that it's brutally difficult. Mess up once or look the wrong way, and Ninja Gaiden is quick to make you its bitch and put you on the corner to make it some money. This turned off a lot of casual fans because the frustration of actually being bitchslapped in a game was too much to bear. In comes Ken Ogawa, star of Ninja Blade, to be the ninja that Ryu can't and appease the casual folks. Sadly upon entry, he was caught in the throat by a ninja star and died choking on his blood while Ryu stood over him and shook his head. Ken doesn't have the balls to be anywhere as good as Ryu. Ryu is a man's man of a ninja who loves to fight and don't let quick time events do the work for him.

Ninjas and motocycles: so crazy it just might work

So, some...worm...thingies have taken over the people of Tokyo and is turning them into zombies...or majini...or...whatever. In order to avoid nuking the whole city, a group of kick-ass ninjas are dispatch to the location do deal with the matter. Ken is immune to whatever the hell is crawling inside people, so he's the main man for this mission. That's it. That's all I'm saying. If I say more, then I'll spoil what little story there is. It's not a good one anyway. All you need to know is that there are dudes to kill, and you are a ninja, so go murder tons of dudes....unless you're doing quick time events.

Ninjas and helicopters: also good

If God of War and Ninja Gaiden had a love child, and then dumped the baby in the dumpster to be found by recovering addicts with no home with central heating, I'm pretty sure Ninja Blade would be that screwed little baby. It gives off the impression that it's trying too hard to impress you, and that's never a good thing with games. The game is broken up in two styles: standard button masher and quick time events. There has to be something wrong with a game that relies heavily on QTEs, but I'll beat up on that later. Right now, it's time to give Mr. Repetitive Combat a swift kick in the ass.

Combat is simple: press X until you're bored, then press Y. Lather, rinse, repeat. You could use magic attacks, but why the hell would you want to? They're either incredible weak or ineffective, and if you try to charge an attack, I'll guarantee you'll get hit before you finish. You will need to use magic to unlock ways to go so you can do some platforming, but really that's a gimmie. Saying a ninja game has platforming is like saying a car has wheels. You won't do much platforming anyway so it's irrelevant to this review, so let's go back to combat. I complained about this problem to a friend and he said it's no different than Afro Samurai. From an overall standpoint, Ninja Blade can't touch Afro Samurai, but from a combat standpoint, he has somewhat of a point. I say somewhat because of one important detail. See, you can be a complex fighter like Ninja Gaiden, or a button masher like Afro Samurai, but whatever you do, you better make sure the enemies are worth a damn. There has to be some sort of satisfaction in murdering tons of dudes, and that's what separates the 2. In Afro, you're fighting a collection of dudes at one who can dodge your attacks if they're good enough. When the big guys show up with their huge amount of health and big weapon that can kill in like 3 hits, you have to contend with them while killing whoever else in the room. Also, the perfect slice mechanic is awesome, and seeing dudes get slit in half never gets old. Ninja Blade, on the other hand, is the exact opposite. The enemy just stands there and lets you beat up on it with no defense whatsoever (maybe some counter-attacking, but thats neither hear nor there). There no variety in the type of dudes to murder,and there's no skill in killing. And what really pisses me off is that when you're in mid-combo, Ken won't stop the fucking moves quick enough to block. Fighting stops being fun and becomes something you do in between booss fights and QTEs. Speaking of which, the only good fights are boss fights, and those get annoying quick.

Ninjas and missiles? Now that's just madness!

And then there are the quick time events, the QTEs, or whatever you want to call them. I knew something was wrong when they proudly announced that half the game would be like Simon Says or a very ninja version of Guitar Hero. Is there a fuckin law or something that says Action games must now have QTEs or something? I'm not against QTEs; I'm against QTE abuse, and that's what's happening in the gaming industry right now, and that's what happening in Ninja Blade. I really did want to hate these fuckers in Ninja Blade, but in a weird way, I can't. I hate the fact that I have to constantly do them, but the developers actually did them right. Unlike most games that throw them in randomly (damn you RE5), you're actually warned when a QTE is about to start. Whenever one is about to start, a video plays showing a glint in Ken's eye. Once you see that eye, get ready to press buttons. If you mess up, you're not penalized too much. The scene will just rewind a few seconds back and let you retry. It's definitely not as frustrating as every other game, but it still pisses me off to some degree. First off, it's half the fuckin game! I'm essentially watching a DVD at this point, and I came her to play bitches. Second, and more importantly, it takes away from me the ability to do all the cool stuff I see on the screen. How cool would it be to actually ride a motorcycle in mid-air or steering a missile like a skateboard? We'll never know because that's all done by QTEs. Several years ago, that idea would have be hot, but now it's overdone and I'm tired of it.

Ninjas and...and...what the hell is that?

If you're a really, really, REALLY big fan of QTE's then I heartily recommend Ninja Blade. Other than that, I suggest you quit your bitching, gird your loins, and play Ninja Gaiden (2). Stop playing easy games all your life and open yourself up for something challenging for once. With that said, OH MY FUCKIN GOD NINJA GAIDEN REALLY IS THAT FUCKIN HARD!

Rating: Meh

NOTE: (Ninja what?) If you think you can fuck with me..(ninja who?) recognize bitch Jay to the Z