Rumble Roses XX (STS)

You know what....I'm done. I can't keep subjecting myself to this torture just to prove a point. Earlier this week, I was suppose to pick up Oneechamba Bikini Zombies or whatever the fuck it was called, but thankful Neil stopped me. I don't think I can go through another X-Blades. Despite this, I still needed a third game in order to make the STS segment credible, so here we are. Admittedly, I was drawn to this game because I just love wrestling games, so surely there would be something I like about this game, but I didn't set my heights up too high (about waist high actually). After a week of gaming and binge drinking (I need a new liver), something strange happened...I was having fun. It shocked me at first, but then I remembered I said the same exact shit for Blitz: The League 2, and that didn't turn out well. Well, it's been a good while, and I have to say....it's still fun. What the fuck? Have I finally found a game that uses sex to sell, but is also fun? Yes and no. See, it may have been fun for me, but I'm nuts about wrestling games, and I know most people aren't. Plus, if your looking for a wrestling game, you can do ahellava lot better than this. I give Konami credit for actually having good gameplay, but let's be real. This is another excuse for polygonal half-naked women to touch each other.

DAMN!

Things start off bad the minute you pick new game. First, you pick the character you want, but it's never explained why you have to. So, you pick a woman and go on to the next menu screen. After that, YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! I see customize, options, change character, view photos....WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PLAY OPTION!? It's not until you press exit do you find out where you need to be. Once you press exit, a map will appear with locations to go.....AND AGAIN YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! You have to learn the map basically by trial and error to make any progress in the game, which is poor on Konami part since they want to lead people into boobies. So, here's how it works. You have your tutorial place, a museum to look at shit, your locker room which displayed the menu that confused you to begin with, the shop to buy all kind of naughty things (no anal toys though...damn rated M limitations), exhibtion to free play, and then you have your venues. See, the reason you picked a wrestler first is because when you pick a venue, you will wrestler with that person. Each match you have with that person will affect your career...I think. Your ultimate goal is to be champ, but just like every other aspect of the game...wait for it....YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! There's no way to tell how close you are to your goal. Everybody has their theories on how to get a title shot, but I proved most of them wrong. The only sure thing is that your popularity has to be 100%. Once you get that, I have no freakin clue. Just keep winning and pray.

Anybody got singles?

I think the characters piss me off more than the incoherency (nice word) of the menus. Where do I begin? Let's start with Dixie, the cowgirl. Good job Japan. Every time an American is in a game, they're a fuckin cowboy/cowgirl. How did you know most of us Americans are like that? Now that's good research. Then there's Aisha, the black chick who dances because apparently that's what negro bitches do. You can't even call her black. She's like a burnt, crispy Korean born in the U.S.....and she dances. There's the punk rocker Candy Cane....why not. There's the teacher Miss Spenser because the punk girl should be in school I guess. There's a nurse name Anesthesia who dances behind an X-Ray in her entrance to show off her sexy outline. It's such a turn on (I say this with my middle finger in the air). I get so bored when she shows up, I wanna fall alseep, so I guess the name fits. There are also 2 girls in this game which I'm sure are underaged, and therefore makes me feel uncomfortable. Then there's.......you know what? Fuck it. I can't go on. It's too much. I can't deal with this shit for too long.

Girl on Bear action is always sexy

All in all, in terms of presentation, this is terrible. Honestly, I thought this was suppose to turn me on. Instead, it pissed me off. So, I went into my first match expecting that this would suck harder than...well...most of the girls featured in this bitch. I was thinking this would be a slapfest with a lot of touching and little actually wrestling. Then, I did my first move. I threw my opponent into the air and caught her into a RKO. WHAT? In match number 2, I did the 619...three times...without leaving the ropes! In my third match, I repeatedly kneed a chick in the head until she tapped out. HOLY SHIT THESE WOMEN CAN ACTUALLY WRESTLE! For the first time in a video game, I actually have respect for female wrestlers, even if the developers don't. The controls are good and simple - almost as good as TNA Impact but not quite up there - and anybody should be able to grasp it within their first play. Each half-naked lady has 3 different kick-ass moves: a killer move, a lethal move, and a H-move (the H stands for humiliation). When your meter fills, you stock 1 finisher opportunity. You can store up to five of these. Your killer move can be done anytime on your opponent. It's not that particularly strong, but against a weak opponent it should be enough. Your lethal move can only be done during a certain situation in a certain way, but it almost always ends a fight. As for H-moves, that's a very interesting thing. See, there's a meter that's measures a person embarrassment level, and doing certain moves on your opponent will fill said meter. You know what happens next. The move is A) almost always a submission, and B) ends the fight. You have to learn your moves in this game, or else matches will last forever. These girls can get up from almost anything, and it can get exhausting beating them into submission. Since I'm complaining, the number of moves wrestlers have are limited, and half of them are submissions.....soooo many submissions. Nothing like women holding each other. Also, if you noticed the moves look familiar, it's because they are. This game using the old Smackdown engine, and therefore looks like a game of Smackdown (except with camel toe).

Sweet chin music on...whatever the hell that is

I didn't expect this game to have any meat to it, but it surprised me. I'm gonna play it again when I'm done here if you can believe that. Don't take that as a ringing endorsement though. This game does not have enough to warrant the 12 dollars to get it, especially with more competent games out there. It's just here you give you a stiffy here or there in between matches (or during), and if it does, you are a sad little man (if you are a woman, holla at your boy).

Rating: Meh

NOTE: I just realized that a woman with a stiffy may not be such a good thing. In fact, I'm pretty confident that's something I wanna avoid.